He could feel Gabriel’s assessing gaze on him. “Sure.” A moment later he heard the sound of a stone landing in the water, the gentle plop making him smile.
“Do you want to do something?” Gabriel asked a few moments later, his voice following another stone hitting the water.
“No, I’m content right here.” He truly was. It was crazy how it calmed him. The one link to his old life and now, his present. He’d always loved the water. Loved swimming in it. Loved being in the boat on it, and he just loved being by it. He’d always thought he’d end up with a house right by it someday, him and Avery and…
The thought stopped in his head like it had hit a brick wall. He lifted his gaze, blinking as the darkness he’d barricaded himself in met the bright sunshine. He rubbed his eyes with the palm of his hand, waiting for Gabriel to come into focus. Moments later he did, his white shirt hanging loose and open as he sat a few feet away, head tipped back in the sunshine, a relaxed smile on his face as he watched another stone arch its way through the air to meet the water.
Gabriel’s smile grew as he realized Josh was watching him. “I’m starting to understand why you enjoy this. It lets the mind…wander.”
“Yeah.” Sometimes it caused the mind to wander a little too much, Josh realized as he reached for another pebble. It was smooth in his hand, comforting and warm from the sun’s rays.
Gabriel studied him for a moment. “You want to tell me about everyone? You never said a lot about how you met Avery, how the two of you got together.”
Josh tensed at the mention of her name, his hand closing tightly over the tiny pebble in his hand. “How long has it been?” he asked as he slowly opened his hand and rubbed the stone between his fingers.
“Since you said your goodbyes?”
Josh nodded, blinking back a rush of emotion. Maybe he shouldn’t have asked. If it was just a few days, it would be hell knowing that it already felt like an eternity, and if it were months…then what had he already missed? Would one of these days Gabriel walk toward him and say his son had been born?
Gabriel copied Josh’s pose, resting his elbows on his bent knees. A wind began to pick up off the water, sending the spray of the gentle waves higher. “A few weeks, possibly longer,” he answered vaguely. “I told you time moves quickly up here.”
“Looks that way.” Josh’s voice came out deeper than he’d meant it to. He didn’t want to think what he’d missed in those few weeks, if that was indeed how long it had been. Things changed rapidly, he knew that now, how things could go so wrong in the blink of an eye.
All he had to console him was that she was with his family, and his brothers were taking as good care of her as they could.
Gabriel turned to face him. “Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“No, no, it’s not that—”
“You’re not ready to talk, I get that. I know how hard this is on you, Josh, I see it every day.”
Every day.
He leaned back, cocked his arm and threw the stone in his hand, all his emotions powering the move. It went further than any of the others had. He barely saw where it landed in the water. Maybe the beach wasn’t the place to be anymore. Maybe Gabriel could find him a new hangout somewhere. Some place that didn’t feel like home, didn’t lull him into thinking about things that were no longer possible. That someday he’d look up and see a little blond, blue eyed toddler making his way toward him with the girl who’d stolen his heart walking behind that toddler.
“You okay?”
“Fine.” His voice was gruff, and he bowed his head, taking a moment to blink away his tears.
“You never talk a lot about them.” Gabriel’s voice was soft.
“Guess I was busy concentrating on finding a way back to them,” Josh answered. He shifted his position on the rocks slightly, lowering his legs a bit and resting his elbows back on his knees. “Now that there’s no chance of that…” He tried to shake off that feeling of hopelessness that surfaced every time he thought that way. “I only have my memories to go on with.”
Gabriel looked sheepish, reaching for another stone between them. “How did you two meet?”
Josh knew what Gabriel was up to, thinking that letting him ramble on would make him feel closer to them somehow. Take away the great divide. He tilted his head back, his gaze locked on the horizon. The corner of his mouth twitched up into half a smile and he shook his head at the memory of her standing there, surrounded by a small sea of six, seven and eight year olds, trying to read the location map and keep an eye on everyone, including the few that were trying to break free from the crowd. “She was on an after school field trip to the baseball game, just her and a couple other teachers in charge of forty elementary school kids. She was waiting for one of her co-workers to come over with her group’s tickets but she was lost. She hadn’t been to a game in Tampa before.” He glanced over to see Gabriel smile at him. “I went over to help her out when a couple of the kids tried to break free. It was crazy, but I think I loved her the moment I saw her. I don’t think it was mutual though.” He laughed, remembering the look she’d shot him the moment he’d walked over, like he was just one more headache and didn’t she have enough to handle already? But he’d helped her calm the kids down and called one of the marketing guys to bring out some signed player cards for the kids while they waited for the tickets and the gates to open. He’d helped her get the kids to the seats and gave her his phone number before he walked off to join his brothers. He shook his head as he thought back, not wanting the images to be so vivid in front of him. “She was so different from every other girl I’d met, she just seemed so…”
“So?” Gabriel prompted when he trailed off and stayed silent a moment too long.
“Perfect…for me, anyway.” Josh ducked his head bashfully. He’d never told anyone that. “She was just right, there’s no other way to explain it. I was lucky I saw her first, because if any of the other guys had met her before me…” He played with his fingernail, tracing the edge with his thumb. “I always said I was the lucky one of the two of us.”
“She loves you. Deeply.”
Josh smiled. “Yeah, well, I think I love her more. She changed everything for me. She grounded me. The family thinks she’s good for me, but she was more than good. Suddenly with her everything made sense. Life made sense. Love made sense. Those stupid love songs on the radio? They started making sense.”
Gabriel smiled. “Really?”
“Yeah. All of them started to. I thought I’d loved someone before, but not like this.” He put his hands down. “Never like this.”
***
Alec sat on the bed next to her while Avery played with the television remote. The channel changed every few seconds. He’d barely get a glimpse of something on the screen before the image changed again. He had a feeling she was more than restless.
“Nothing but reruns,” she commented, hitting mute on the remote.
“Ah, well.” He stretched his legs out and crossed his ankles.
“You really want to stay over?” she asked, and he caught the edge of something in her voice.
“Course. When was the last time the two of us just hung out like this?”
She looked thoughtful. “Before he…” She stopped. “It’s been a while,” she said finally, looking past him to a spot on the wall.
“See, so of course I’m staying over tonight.” He settled back on the bed, adjusting the pillows behind him and making himself more comfortable. The fact she was on his brother’s side of the bed wasn’t lost on him. Or that the t-shirt she was wearing was one of Josh’s. It was as if she needed to keep him close, as close as she could. They all did.
She sat there for a moment, studying the remote. “Having fun yet?”
“Oh, tons.”
“Hey, this is what my life’s come down to, you know. Trying to convince everyone I’m fine, which, coincidentally, no one believes.”
Fine wasn’t going to have the same meaning anymore
for any of them, and even by its new definition, she wasn’t anywhere close to it.
“Hey, do you know how much trouble we’d all be in if Josh found out we weren’t taking care of you? Tons. More than you can imagine.” He reached out and rubbed the top of her hand. He could see her fighting back the tears. He hadn’t meant to make her cry with his words. He wanted to distract her, to make her smile a little. His mom said she’d seemed down on the phone, that the conversation had seemed distant, and she just wanted to know Avery was okay. That she wasn’t lying when she said nothing was wrong.
Everyone knew that was a lie. How could anything be right in the situation she was in?
Chapter 11
She sat at the outdoor patio table in Linda’s backyard, holding her barely touched water as she listened to everyone around her talk, telling stories and laughing at old memories because of Blake’s birthday. The “Happy Birthday” banner hanging from the back rail seemed to make everyone festive, like it managed to erase the past, albeit temporarily, from everyone’s minds. Whenever it seemed appropriate, she’d give a little smile or nod, but basically she was opting to stay silent, not even paying much attention to what was being said. Right now, she preferred to stay in her own little world, not caring about much of anything outside of herself. All her focus was on getting through the pregnancy, on trying to live without Josh. He would have loved the party that day. The sun was out, making it hot, but the breeze every once in a while helped cool it down. The guys had spent the better part of the afternoon huddled around the barbecue, making a mess of things while trying to grill burgers and steaks. Linda had doted on her almost too much, barely letting her up to get her own plate of food. She’d managed to nibble her way through a burger under the close scrutiny. She pushed the plate further back from the edge and reached for her cell phone, checking it to see if she had any texts, anything to claim a way out of the family togetherness she wasn’t sure she felt up to being a part of at the moment. Not a single text, but what could she expect with practically all her babysitters sitting around the same table? She nudged her phone back and finished her water. She needed an excuse to get up, to stretch her legs and get a little distance from the party.
Blake laughed at one of Alec’s stories, trying to ignore the fact that the empty chair across from him was where Josh should have been sitting, that the birthday card Avery had brought over had been missing a very important name on it. He’d kept an eye on her all through the barbecue, trying to gauge when enough was enough and he should take her home. He hadn’t expected her to really spend the afternoon at his parents’ house. He could tell she was trying to make a point, to them and probably to herself, that she was doing fine, that she could handle things. She could, she was handling things with a lot more grace than he figured anyone expected.
Seeing her get up and walk toward the house, something made him push his chair back, his gaze more intense on her. The second he saw the color drain from her face he was on his feet and hurrying toward her. “Avery?”
She shook her head, refusing to look at him, like she was afraid of showing him how upset she truly was, that her façade wasn’t as perfect as she wanted them all to believe.
“Let’s go in for a minute, huh?” He took her hand and pulled her toward the house. He swung open one of the French doors and motioned her inside. As soon as the doors were closed behind them and they were out of the view of everyone on the deck, he pulled her into a tight hug. “I know what’s going on. I saw the same things.” The empty chair, the empty space that Josh used to inhabit. The way everyone seemed to try and fill it up, being just a little louder.
“I hate this,” she mumbled into his chest, her fingers fisting in the back of his t-shirt. “I hate this so much.”
“We all do.”
“I caught myself looking for him, Blake. I forgot he was gone.” She pulled free of his embrace and backed up, walking away. “Then there are days I’m almost used to being alone now. Those scare me the most. It’s like he didn’t exist.”
“Avery…”
She was at the fridge, putting a fresh glass under the ice dispenser. There was silence for a moment between them then the sound of the ice hitting the glass. “What?” she asked softly.
“You’re going to be okay, we’re all going to get through this.”
“I hope so.”
His heart broke as he really looked at her. She looked pale beneath the slight tan she’d gotten from being out in the sun for most of the afternoon. As she stood there, he realized how hard this little get together had to be for her. For the family, it was their way of being together, but for her…it was a sharp reminder of the loss of Josh.
“How about I take you home?”
“What?” she turned. “The party—”
“Isn’t much of a party anymore. We had the food, we had the cake…it’s just a bunch of people talking now.” He scooped his car keys from where he’d left them by his cell phone on the kitchen table. “Mom will understand. You should be taking it easy anyway, right?”
“Blake—”
“Hush.”
“It’s your birthday.”
“Yeah? Well, see, that means you need to listen to me. And I think it’s time for the little mama to go home and relax.” He kissed her cheek. “Come on, I’ll go tell Mom I’m taking you home, and that’s that.”
“Blake?”
He was halfway to the door when he turned. “What sweetheart?”
She smiled weakly. “Thank you.”
He nodded, relief filling him that he’d read her right. He hadn’t wanted to be pushy and make her feel that she couldn’t make decisions for herself, that she wasn’t capable, but being there much longer…she didn’t need that. And honestly, he didn’t either.
***
It was the middle of the night by the glowing numbers on the alarm clock. She watched the numbers change for a few minutes, but still sleep didn’t come. Nothing but restlessness plagued her. She pushed herself out of bed and grabbed her robe from behind the door before tiptoeing out into the hallway. The nightlight glowed a soft pale bluish white light as she made her way quietly down the carpeted stairs. The whole first floor was dark and it took a moment for her eyes to adjust.
Blake lay on the couch, an afghan covering him, his arm draped over his eyes. A rush of guilt hit her. She didn’t want to wake him if he was sleeping. She knew how rare sleep was lately. She should just go back upstairs for some more lying in bed, counting sheep or whatever else she could come up with to pass the time till it was daylight and perfectly okay for her to be wide awake.
She’d been about to turn around when the figure on the couch moved. She froze as she heard him reach for his watch he must have taken off and laid on the end table. “Avery?” His voice was hoarse from sleep. “What are you doing up?”
“Might ask you that, along with why you’re still on my couch at three in the morning.”
They all had keys. He could have simply locked the door up after him and gone home to his own bed.
He sat up and rubbed his eyes. She played with the tie on her robe as she waited for an answer. She knew he was trying to come up with something plausible that didn’t sound like he didn’t quite trust her to be on her own. “Never mind, I’m glad you’re here.”
“You are?”
“Yeah, I could use the company. I can’t sleep.”
“Neither could I.”
“Liar, you were almost snoring when I came down.”
“Almost being the operative word.” He rose to his feet and yawned. “What are you thinking?”
“Ice cream.”
“Rocky road?”
“Quite possible there’s some of that in the freezer. I was thinking more along the lines of peppermint.”
They headed into the kitchen, and Avery flicked on the light over the stove, blinking at the sudden intrusion of brightness. She switched it to low while Blake got out two bowls and spoons. She checked the freezer and found it ful
ly stocked. Some little elves must have been busy in the last few days. Last time she’d checked, she’d simply had a bag of fries and two small containers of ice cream. She handed him the Rocky Road with a knowing look and grabbed the Fudge Ripple for herself. “Your work?” she asked, motioning to the fridge.
“I tend to grocery shop.”
“For other people?”
“Thinking about becoming a personal shopper.” He opened the fridge door and took out a container of whipped cream. “So, why couldn’t you sleep?”
She looked down at the ice cream as she pulled the lid off hers and scooped some into the bowl. Blake reached over and dropped a big glob of whipped cream on it. She shot him a questioning look.
“Calcium,” he answered with an easy smile. “So?”
She sighed and added another scoop of ice cream to her bowl before putting the lid back on. Blake finished filling his bowl with his Rocky Road before he grabbed both containers and set them back in the freezer door.
She put a spoonful of the sweet concoction in her mouth and studied him in the low light. “It’s just…too much at times. I’ve even tried sleeping in the guest room, but I still think he’ll walk in sometimes. It’s been two months, and I still can’t believe it.” Every morning she waited to somehow accept it, to feel like she was ready, capable of moving on her with her life. And every morning that ache was as raw as it was the day she found out.
“We all have the same feeling, hon.” He swirled his spoon around his bowl. “But you know, we all have each other, and that’s gotta mean something, right?”
She nodded. “Yeah, it does.”
He moved beside her, leaning against the counter. He nudged her with his elbow until she smiled. “It’s all going to be okay.”
She looked into his blue eyes. “Gotta be, doesn’t it?”
Chapter 12
Another day, someone new to entertain, Avery thought as she watched Blake make dinner in her kitchen. She put a relaxed smile on her face and wished someone would text him with something urgent that he’d have to leave to take care of. Not that she hated his company, but she didn’t like being hovered over. And it seemed that lately, everyone was hovering.
If Tomorrow Never Comes Page 14