“Blake, I’m at the hospital.” Even saying the words made his legs go weak.
“No…” He heard his brother swear under his breath, followed by the muffled sound of movement then the unmistakable sound of car keys.
“It’s Avery.” He took a slow deep breath, risking a glance back to the door. “There might be some uh, complications. I need you to let everyone know.”
“Complications? How? She’s…the baby…they’re fine, right?
“I got here five minutes ago and was shoved out while three people came in to examine her. I’m praying, Blake, but no one’s come out to tell me anything yet.” He wrapped the shiny silver cord of the payphone around his wrist. He just wanted someone to come out of that damn room and tell him something, something that would take the pressure off the vise that was currently locked around his heart.
“I’ll make a couple calls. I’m on my way right now.”
“Taylor…” he rasped, his mind suddenly clearing from the fog of worry. “Taylor’s going to be headed to the house. The girls were going to do some maternity clothes shopping. You gotta get hold of her. She’ll worry if she gets to the house and Avery isn’t answering.”
“She’ll be my first call.”
“Thanks.”
“You okay?”
Alec looked at the door. “Scared shitless, man.”
“Me, too.”
***
Avery wished the fog she was in would go away. It was like she was outside of herself as the doctor examined her and the nurse checked her vitals. The itchiness of the hospital gown was the only thing she was aware of, and her mind kept drifting to the irony of the snowflakes on a hospital gown in Florida. She kept her eyes on the ceiling, counting the tiles in their neat little rows as she forced herself to concentrate on anything except the murmurs between Doctor Matthews and the nurse. If the exam went any longer, she’d have to start on the number of blinds on the window. She just couldn’t handle it, she needed to be away from it all, didn’t want to hear any more bad news in her life.
The only lifeline she had was the baby, her only real and true connection to Josh and because of her stupidity, of thinking she was what—invincible?—she might have put everything she had left of him in danger.
“Avery,” Doctor Matthews’ voice finally brought her out of her fog and she blinked, letting her tired eyes come into focus. Then she realized the fog wasn’t just a fog, she was swimming in tears.
He held out a couple tissues and she took them gratefully, wiping her eyes quickly, getting a way too close view of the IV hook-up in the back of her hand. “Sorry.”
“It’s fine. I know the tremendous stress you’ve been under the last while.” He perched on the visitor’s chair near her. “I don’t want to sugar coat things with you, Avery, but I need you to stay here in the hospital for a few days.”
“Why?” She went to push herself up in bed again and sighed as she looked at the IV.
“You have some spotting. You’re still very early in this pregnancy, and it’s a time when anything can happen, with or without the stress you’ve been under, but that may have aggravated things. Your blood pressure’s a little high for one. And lifting anything more than five pounds wasn’t the best thing for you to do in your condition.”
She bowed her head, looking at the tissues in her hand. “Right.”
“That’s why you need to be on bed rest and I want you here where I can keep an eye on the two of you. And you’re just in time for tonight’s dinner special, I hear the lime jello is especially good tonight.”
She cracked a smile. “Lime, huh?”
He rose to his feet. “Do you want me to tell your friend to come in?”
She nodded. “Please. He’s my…he would have been my brother in law.”
“I’ll go get him.”
She picked up the television remote, needing something to fidget with, and slid down deeper in the small hospital bed. She looked up at the IV bag beside her, her gaze tracing the path of each drip down the tubing. She squeezed her eyes shut and took a shaky breath. This wasn’t what she’d imagined her pregnancy being like. This wasn’t what she’d ever imagined her life being like.
***
Alec paced the area in front of her hospital room. Every little noise made him jump. The pages overhead. The footsteps of someone coming down the hall. Every time a door opened somewhere around him, he spun around expecting to come face to face with her doctor. He kept his hands stuffed deep in his pockets. He didn’t want to see how much he was shaking. His cell phone was like his safety blanket, tucked securely in his right pocket, his fingers toying with the fabric cover. It was going to be frayed through by the end of the day if someone didn’t come through that door soon and tell him all was okay, that it wasn’t as bad as he thought.
How long could this take, he wondered as he eyed the door anxiously. Another doctor had left the room a few doors down, and he’d been in there less time than Avery’s doctor had been in with her. That had to mean something, right? If things were okay, it shouldn’t take this long. He swallowed back a rush of fear and stopped opposite her door.
He leaned against the wall, making himself comfortable and out of the way of the nurses and staff who kept passing by. A few shot him curious looks, one even going so far as to mutter something about a waiting room. Like he was going any further away from her than he already was? Nothing could tear him away from that spot at the moment. He risked a glance at his watch. They’d been there over forty minutes already. Had it really only been an hour since he’d heard her calling for him outside? Could his whole world have changed that quickly? His mind flashed back to just how quick everything could change and that feeling of a vise around his heart came back.
He rubbed his forehead, wishing again for someone to come out and tell him something.
Think positively, Alec. A long time means they’re doing their job. Or it could mean they’re trying to calm her down. He scratched his arm absently, suddenly wishing for a shot of something to relax himself. His nerves were ramped up so high, he could barely think.
This was torture. This was…
“Mr. Collins?” A voice broke into his thoughts and he jumped, startled.
“Yeah?” He swallowed nervously, trying to read the expression of the young doctor in front of him. He looked very calm standing there in his white coat, a stethoscope hanging casually around his neck like he didn’t have a care in the world. “Is she…I mean,” he stammered, his gaze drifting toward the closed door across the hall from where they stood.
“Why don’t you go in and see her?” The doctor gave him a warm smile, apparently trying to ease the marathon his heart was running. “She’s asking for you.”
“Thanks.” He took a moment to take a deep breath, and as the doctor walked off, he slowly approached her room, mentally preparing himself for whatever it was he was about to face. He wasn’t sure what the doctor had meant by her asking for him. Why him? Because she needed a strong shoulder to cry on or a familiar face?
He walked into her room, swallowing the lump in his throat that seemed permanently lodged there. Her bed was elevated to a reclining position, an IV attached to her arm. There was a light on near her bed and she was sitting there, her expression a little embarrassed as she met his gaze. “Avery?”
“Hi, Alec.”
“Everything, uh, okay?”
“They really didn’t say a lot. They’re monitoring the baby, though.” She motioned to the machines on the other side of the bed. “Not that I understand what any of these do.”
He listened to the steady beep of one machine, trying to figure out what it was doing. “You okay, though?” His voice was low, like he was afraid to put the question out there.
She shook her head. “I’m scared to death.”
He sat down gingerly on the bed beside her and reached for her hand. “Hey, I’m here for you.” He tried for what he hoped was his most reassuring smile. “Not going to let anything hap
pen to you, okay? Either of you.”
She nodded and managed a weak smile in his direction. “Okay.”
They sat in silence for a while, just listening to the machines and lost in their own thoughts. Footsteps passed by the door every once in a while, and he noticed she’d tense when she thought someone was coming in. He was just about to suggest turning on the television to find an old rerun of something to take their minds off where they were when there was a knock on the door. He gave her hand a reassuring squeeze.
“Come in,” she called.
The doctor walked into the small room, and she squeezed Alec’s hand tighter as she instantly sat up straighter. One of the machines she was attached to beeped a little louder, and she took a deep breath, trying to relax.
The doctor must have realized she was getting anxious because he smiled reassuringly at her. “Avery…”
Alec looked up, giving her a quick glance before focusing on the doctor. “I’ll, uh, go and leave you alone.”
She tightened her grip on his hand, trying to keep him from leaving her. “No, Alec. Stay. Please.”
“Okay.” He squeezed her hand before he slid off the bed and took a seat on the chair next to the bed, and she felt a little more comfortable. She didn’t want to face any more bad news alone.
The doctor examined the machines before making a couple notations on the chart in his hand. “How are you feeling?”
“Anxious.”
“That’s understandable.”
“What happened?” Alec held tightly to her hand. She was so thankful he was there with her. She couldn’t imagine having to go through all of this alone.
“You can tell him, he’s family,” Avery assured the doctor and closed her eyes, trying to block out the rehash. He talked about running a couple more tests later in the day and said he’d be back again to check on her later, then left the two alone again.
She caught Alec’s frown from the corner of her eye. “Avery…”
She didn’t want to face her friend’s words of caution. “Maybe Josh wants the baby with him,” she said quietly, staring up at the ceiling, anywhere but at Alec. She didn’t want to feel as embarrassed as she was, that she’d done this somehow, brought it all on herself. Didn’t want anyone thinking she was treating herself horribly to deliberately risk this pregnancy. “I want to be with him so bad, Alec. I want him with us again.” She took a deep breath, the doctor’s voice of moments before ringing in her head. She couldn’t keep this level of stress and anxiety up. It was going to put her into labor, and the baby’s chances of survival weren’t high if she kept on this path.
“Why did he leave me, Alec? Why didn’t he know that if he left that morning something bad was going to happen? Why?” Everything she thought about was coming out. She knew she couldn’t keep things inside anymore. She needed to let it pour out. To say the words she never wanted to say. “I hate him, I hate him for going that morning, I hate him for dying, I hate him for leaving me alone…I hate him!”
Before she knew it, he was up on the bed beside her, pulling her into his arms, letting her sob into his shoulder. He stroked her hair, shushing her as he rocked her gently back and forth, trying to calm her down. “You know if Josh had any inkling what was going to happen, he never ever would have left. You know how much you and this baby meant to him.” He ran his fingers through her hair. “You know what he told me once?”
“What?” She couldn’t bring herself to pull back and look at him.
“That he’d never been happier before, with you and the baby coming. He said his life was complete.”
For some reason, those words that were likely meant to soothe did anything but. It was like a fresh wave of pain hitting her all over again. Josh had never told her, she’d never told him she felt the same way. Her fingers fisted tightly in his t-shirt, and she squeezed her eyes shut, letting the tears fall unabashed.
She heard Alec rise from the chair and she glanced over, expecting to see him leave, but he was headed for the small bathroom attached to her room. She sighed softly to herself and put her hand on her abdomen, blinking away the latest round of tears. “Okay, baby, let’s make a deal, you and Mommy, okay? You give me a sign, just a little movement to tell me you’re okay and I’ll do everything they tell me to do. Even if that means staying here for a week.” She kept her voice low, not wanting Alec to hear. She closed her eyes as she heard the door open back up. It just wasn’t fair to be this scared. To feel the last piece of Josh could be slipping away from her. She blinked her eyes open, watching the monitors, trying to understand what they meant. Please, baby, please, for Mommy. Show me you’re as tough as your daddy.
***
Alec met his brother in the hallway, relieved to see someone else there. The doctor needed to do another “routine” examination of Avery and had told him to go grab a coffee or some fresh air or both. He’d been sitting there with her for who knew how long, just holding her, letting her know she was loved, that someone was there with her.
“You look like hell,” Blake said as he held out a coffee from the cafeteria.
“Feel like it. She just dozed off fifteen minutes before the doctor came in.”
Blake nodded. “Anything?”
“Silence. Machines beep. She jumps. They get louder. It’s a vicious cycle. We talk, she tries to relax. She’s putting up a good front, but she’s going to crumble.” He turned to lean against the wall. “God, Blake, if anything happens, anything, we’re gonna lose her. You know that.”
Blake shook his head. “She’s going to be fine. You know Josh is watching out for her now. He’d never let anything happen to her or the baby.”
“But what if this is one thing big brother can’t control?” Alec took a long sip of the coffee. He swore he could feel it surge through him. He’d drained himself waiting with Avery.
Blake patted his shoulder. “I’ll go sit with her for a while. You go get some air. Mom and Taylor are both on their way.”
Alec was about to argue, but he saw the concern in his brother’s eyes and he didn’t want to make him worry about someone else when Avery needed all their attention. “Maybe I will. Soon as the doctor comes out you can go in. Avery told him we can all see her. Just tell her I went for a little air. I’ll be back in a bit.”
***
Avery lay on her side in the uncomfortable hospital bed like the doctor had instructed her to while she did her best to ignore the assorted monitors she was hooked up to. She concentrated on the window beside her. The blinds were partially open, letting her mind escape the confining room. Outside the sky was darkening. The pretty blue it had been earlier was now as dark and depressing as she felt. She knew Blake sat just a few feet away in an equally uncomfortable chair, watching her, waiting for her to say something, but she didn’t want to talk. There was nothing to say. “You can go home if you want,” she offered at last, studying the monitor attached to her index finger. She turned her head to glance at him shyly. Five o’clock shadow dotted his jaw line.
“Nope, staying right here. In fact I’m thinking about getting a cot and sleeping in here. Our own private slumber party.” He grinned cheekily at her as he leaned forward, his arms resting on his elbows.
She sighed. “Okay.”
“Avery, you know Josh would have never left your side if he was here, and trust me, honey, I’m not going anywhere.”
“You can’t promise that, no one can.” She’d learned that the hard way. She twirled her engagement ring around her finger. “Josh used to say he wasn’t ever going anywhere.”
Blake reached out and put his hand over the top of hers. It felt warm and heavy. He smoothed his fingers over her knuckles. “Avery, if Josh had had a choice, there was no way he would have left you. Doesn’t that ring on your finger tell you that?”
She nodded and sank deeper in bed. “I wasted so much time with him.”
“You didn’t.”
“I did.” Didn’t they get it? All she saw were the missed opportuniti
es to be together. Things she’d never had a chance to say that she’d wanted to. She’d thought they’d have forever together. What a delusional thought that had been.
Her shoulders shook as she fought to control her emotions, to focus on something positive. Like not impacting the baby’s health any more than she already had.
“Shhh…calm down, sweetheart. Think of the baby.”
“That’s all I do, think of me and the baby and what we’ve lost.” She shook her head. “I’m a damn pity party.”
“No, you’re not. You’re allowed to feel the way you do. Out of everyone, you and this baby lost the most. He wanted so much for the two of you…the three of you…”
She pressed her lips together. The scene on the other side of the window was so calm, so contradictory to what she was feeling. Her emotions were like a tornado, swirling around and around, picking up more power as they destroyed everything in their path. “I hate feeling like this, Blake. It’s like I’m lost. I’ll never feel right again.”
“You will.”
“I only felt that way around him.” She tore her gaze away from the window to find him watching. The worry line on his forehead had returned. She hated being the one who caused it, but she was so glad to have him there to listen to her. She needed to get things out and right now it was like she couldn’t stop it if she had to. “You know what I miss the most? Just having him hold me. God, Blake, I’ll never have him hold me again.” Her body began to shake, and she rolled onto her side, away from him, hiding her face in her pillow.
Blake sat there stunned, unsure what to do. What could he say to that? He’d have given anything at that moment to make Josh appear for her. His heart broke as her shoulders shook with the force of her pain, and he knew if he hugged her again, it might just make things worse. He couldn’t be a poorer stand in for his brother if he tried. “Avery, honey, in time…” He stumbled over his words, wishing there was a book somewhere that told him what to say in a situation like this.
“In time I’ll forget?” He heard her gasp for air before she turned back over to face him, her face streaked with tears. “I’m already forgetting. Do you know how scary it is to start to forget him?”
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