“Know what?” He watched her in the darkness. He’d give anything just to hold her again, to be able to touch her. He had almost forgetten how she felt in his arms, and that scared him more than he wanted to admit.
She sighed, moving around to get more comfortable. Her hand rubbed her stomach. “Shhh, baby, sleep. You’re just like your daddy.” Her gaze went back to the pillow, completely unaware he was lying against it.
Josh chuckled. “Keeping you up at night, huh? But, Aves, what are you saying?”
“You never knew how much I loved you, did you, Josh?” She closed her eyes. “There was so much we should have done, things I should have said.”
“I know, sweetheart.” He paused, reaching his hand out to cover hers, mere millimeters separating the two. “I wanted us to be planning our wedding and doing things for the baby.” His body started to shake as he spoke, trying so hard to keep back the tears and the emotion that threatened to overwhelm him at times. “The hardest thing is knowing that someday you’re going to move on. You’re going to find someone to love who’s going to love you back just as much. God, how do I deal with that? How do I let go of the only woman I ever really loved?”
As he lay there and watched her drift off to sleep, he wondered if he ever really could.
Chapter 24
Alec sat on the beach, his fingers trailing through the sand on either side of him. He picked up a handful and watched it slip through his fingers in a steady stream. He couldn’t figure out what Josh saw in the beach and the water. It was almost too quiet to him, unnerving somehow.
Although too quiet was something they were getting more than used to. Resting his elbows on his knees, he moved his gaze from the sand to the water crashing against the shore. In the far off distance a boat bobbed on the water, and he smiled, thinking back to the first time Josh had brought everyone out on his new boat. He’d never seen him that happy until Avery came into his life.
He cleared his throat and glanced around at the nearly deserted beach. He wanted a place he could actually talk to Josh. A place where maybe there was a chance his best friend would hear him. Where he might get a sign, something that said Josh was really around them. How he really wanted to believe it, but there was a side of him that truly wondered. Wouldn’t he be trying to help Avery somehow if he was? Sometimes she seemed so sad, so hopeless, that Alec’s heart broke just looking at her.
“All right, big bro. I figured I’d be more in tune with you here than…” He trailed off, not wanting to say the words. Not even wanting to think about the cemetery. The place made him feel like they’d abandoned his brother and left him all alone. He cleared his throat, trying to refocus his thoughts. “You know…” He dragged his fingers through the sand once more, making a random squiggle pattern. “I need to ask you a favor. Ask some of your newfound friends up there to keep an eye on Avery for me, okay? For you, anyway. She’s nervous, and I want her to calm down a little. I don’t like seeing her the way she is. You wouldn’t, either. It’d tear you up more than it tears me up, and that’s saying something.”
Blake blinked, not believing his eyes. Up ahead on the stretch of sand sat Alec, his head bowed, lips moving as he played with the sand beside him. He hurried his pace, wondering what brought his brother there of all places. “Whatcha doing here?” he called as he cut across a stretch of sand toward him.
Alec jumped at his voice, turning to face him. A slow smile crossed his face, taking away the loneliness that had been etched there seconds before. “Sitting around. Why are you here?”
Blake dropped onto the sand a few feet away, feeling a little sheepish. “I feel closer to Josh here sometimes.”
Alec nodded, his gaze drifting toward the water. “I was trying to figure out why he liked this place so much.”
“His mind could wander. Think the waves soothed him.”
“He told you that?”
Blake shook his head. His brother didn’t talk about things like that much. “Just a feeling I have.”
They stayed silent a few minutes, each lost in their own thoughts. Blake started to think he’d intruded on Alec’s quiet time as he got to his feet. He was ready to apologize and excuse himself for a jog down the beach when Alec turned to him, brushing the sand off his denim covered legs. “I’m going crazy just sitting here.”
“Heading home?”
He shrugged and adjusted his sunglasses. Blake caught a glimpse of the redness around his eyes and knew he’d been crying before he got there. “I think I may just drive around for a while.”
Blake nodded in understanding. Some days they all just needed a little time to themselves to try and process things. It still didn’t feel real no matter how much time passed. He still kept waiting for a text message that never came. He still had to stop himself from sending Josh messages that he’d never get. “Sorry about crashing here.”
“Don’t worry about it. You came at a good time. I don’t like to wallow long.” His gaze went back to the water. He lifted a hand in salute then dug his car keys out of his pocket. “You talk to her later, say hey for me, will you?”
He didn’t even have to ask who her was. “Absolutely.”
***
Josh walked alongside Blake, watching his brother with his head down. The sadness coming from him ratcheted up again. No doubt Blake was thinking back to all the times they’d spent at the beach, tossing the football around, hanging out on the boat. “You’re thinking hard, Blake.”
Blake kicked at the sand as he walked, stuffing his hands in his pockets. He had his sunglasses on, but they didn’t mask the tear that slipped beneath the edge. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. About Avery. She’s…”
“She’s what?” Josh asked, almost as though Blake would answer him.
“I swear, Josh, she was the best thing that ever happened to you.”
“She was. The baby would have been, too,” Josh said quietly, trying to imagine his son. A perfect blend of the two of them. He couldn’t imagine what it would have been like to hold his son for the first time.
“She’s lost, Josh. Without you, she’s just there. The light in her eyes is gone, and that isn’t right. I want to get through to her, but how can I? She’s trying her best to keep it together because of the scare with the baby, but she’s trying to isolate herself again.” Blake stopped and took a seat in the sand. He rubbed the back of his neck and let out a deep breath. “We can’t lose someone else, Josh. None of us are strong enough to go through that again.”
***
“Do you think it’s too early to pack a bag for the hospital?” Avery asked Alec as they sat outside on the back deck. The sky for once was a clear blue with only a few hazy white clouds dotting the azure. Much better weather than it had been all week with the rain and thunderstorms that had kept her inside the house. She relaxed more when the weather was nice.
Alec shrugged beside her. “It’s like what, two months?”
“Around.” Give or take. She knew that the due date was really just an estimate. She could be earlier or she could be later.
“Why not?”
“Okay.” She smiled and unwrapped the sandwich Alec had picked up on his way over. A nice, loaded pizza sub, something she’d been craving the last few days. And even better, something she didn’t make herself was heaven. She was growing tired of her own meager cooking skills. Macaroni and cheese, while it satisfied her cravings, was getting repetitive.
Alec looked up from his own sandwich. “You all right?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
He raised an eyebrow. “Because I know you.”
She tore off a piece of her sandwich, eating it slowly. Everyone claimed to know her. Know her thoughts. Know what was best for her. So hard to believe when she wasn’t even sure she knew that for herself. “You know what it’s like. I don’t want to be alone anymore.”
“You’ve got me and everyone else.”
“I just want Josh. I’d do anything for him to be here.”
He wrapped his arm around her shoulders. He was like his big brother that way, always ready to give her a hug when she needed it, even when she acted like that was the last thing she wanted. “We all feel the same way.”
“I know you do.” She put her head on his shoulder. “Alec, would…” She licked her dry lips, trying to find a way to put the question.
“What? Talk to me, Aves.”
She let out a deep breath. She’d given this a lot of thought. About whom she wanted around her when the time came. She’d pretty much considered everyone, but she thought about who had the most calming influence on her. When she realized that, it seemed like the logical choice.
“Would you be there with me when…?”
“In the hospital?” he finished for her.
“Yeah.”
“Hell, yeah.”
She laughed at the exuberance of his answer.
“How’s this going to work?” he asked, suddenly perplexed as he looked down at her. “Do you want me to stay here when you get close to your due date or…?”
She smiled. “We can talk about it later. We do have time you know.”
“Right.” He smiled down at her, and for a minute she realized how much his smile was like Josh’s. Her heart thudded for a moment, and she forced a smile, not wanting him to see the change in her. Not wanting to be asked what was the matter. Maybe that was why she wanted him there. Personality wise, he was closest to Josh. “Wow.”
She laughed at him and gave him a tight hug. “I’m glad you want to be there.”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“I don’t know, just me being stupid, I guess.”
“Just me and you going to be there?”
“And the doctor, of course.”
“Good, because I’d hate to have to try and deliver my nephew myself,” he teased as he let her go.
“You and me both.”
***
Josh found himself in their bedroom, Gabriel right beside him. His friend nudged him, and he stepped forward cautiously. She lay in the middle of the bed on her side, hugging his pillow against her chest. “She’s so tired. She needs sleep.” His fingers skimmed over her hair. She shuddered as if she’d felt his touch.
“Indeed she is,” Gabriel agreed solemnly.
Josh sighed, dropping his hand down. All he wanted was right there beside him, completely unreachable, untouchable. He rocked back on his heels. He was so frustrated he wanted to throw something against the wall. Even in the dark he saw the trail of tears. He hated seeing her like that. Hated what was going on, happening to her without him. “She shouldn’t be. There’s so much going on that shouldn’t be. Why don’t they realize that? Don’t they give a damn about her, about my son?”
“Josh…”
“What? Don’t try and defend them.”
“I wasn’t. I was actually going to agree with you, but they see things differently than you and I do. That’s the way they’re set up. It’s what they’re meant to do. See the big picture.”
Josh snorted. The big picture? They didn’t see what this was doing to her? “How can they not realize the pain she’s in?” he questioned. Everyone saw it. He saw the worry in his family’s faces, heard it in their voices when they talked about her.
Gabriel shrugged. “It’s not that they can’t—”
“Just that they don’t believe it? Avery is acting? Wow, great performance considering she almost lost our baby.”
Gabriel’s hand on his shoulder was meant to be comforting, a source of peace, but to Josh at that moment it was just a reminder he wasn’t in control of anything. A prisoner, trapped in eternity, waiting for something to give. “Calm down, please, Josh. Don’t let this affect you this way.”
How could he not? He was supposed to do what? Ignore the pain he saw in her, the lost expression on her face, the sadness etched in her eyes. The way he literally felt the pain radiating off her, begging him to come back to her. Didn’t he deserve one more chance to make things right? To erase all these mistakes that were being made without him around?
“I don’t want her to hurt like this, Gabriel. I wanted her…” He bowed his head. “This was supposed to be one of the happiest times in our lives, and the great Josh Collins managed to screw things up yet again.”
“I’m not going to let you do this to yourself.”
“Why not? I deserve it. You said I had a premonition, right?”
Gabriel closed his eyes, and Josh knew he was trying to calm him down by whatever method he had used before with his mind tricks, but it wasn’t working. This was just too big to shrug off like it was nothing.
“You’re taking all my energy,” Gabriel noted, eyes still closed.
“And it’s not helping. Don’t bother, G. Unless you can miraculously turn the clock back, nothing’s going to help.”
“You need to relax.”
“I can’t relax. I’ll never relax when she’s like this. Scared. In danger. Was any of this planned? Tell me, Gabriel, is this how it’s supposed to be?” He got right in Gabriel’s face, suddenly realizing he towered over his friend by a couple inches. He hadn’t noticed before. “Make this right.”
“I can’t.”
“Bullshit. Rules are breakable.”
Chapter 25
She sat at the edge of the bed, the tangled mess of bedding behind her. The darkness outside the curtains mocked her. An entire world seemingly asleep and she couldn’t keep her eyes closed. Sleep brought dreams, painful, mocking dreams where he appeared, and then she’d wake up and he was gone, the realization of her new reality hitting her full force.
Another sleepless night.
Avery was sadly growing used to them. She didn’t want to count how many she’d had in the last while. She’d spent more time wandering around the house in the dark than trying to lie in that bed and sleep. Every time she closed her eyes, it would be less than a minute before they’d fly open again, the feeling of her heart being squeezed overwhelming her. She couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. She hated to admit she was scared of the nightmares that plagued her now, the same ones over and over again, that caused her to sit up in bed, fear filling her as she screamed out his name over and over again.
They were so terrible, she’d deliberately stay up all night so she wouldn’t have to sleep in the dark. Somehow the darkness just made them seem worse. More real. More plausible. She almost wished one of the guys was there to talk to, to tell her they were nothing more than dreams. Not a glimpse of the future.
She padded into the dark kitchen, picking her cell phone up from the charger on the counter. She debated hitting speed dial and hearing Alec’s voice on the other end. The clock on the stove told her it wasn’t even three in the morning. She couldn’t keep relying on them. They had their own lives to live. She didn’t need to intrude any more than she already had. She’d been glad when they’d started to give her a little more distance, a little more space. The last thing she wanted was to give all that up again because of a few sleepless nights. She took her jacket out of the back closet and went outside on the deck, propping open the back door. With her cell phone in hand, she headed to the lounger she seemed to be spending an awful lot of time in.
She stretched her legs out in front of her, draping the jacket over them, and looked up at the night sky. It was fairly clear, and she sighed to herself. She scrolled through the messages, seeing a few from Alec sent a little while before. Another night owl, or had his Avery radar kicked in and he knew she needed a friend?
She texted back a quick reply. It seemed no sooner than she’d hit send, there was a reply back. She laughed softly to herself at the simple call me.
She hit his number and heard his voice a second later. “Hello, Alec.”
“What are you doing up?”
“I could ask you that same question.”
“I asked it first.”
“I can’t sleep.” She was at least honest on that point. “What about you?”
&nbs
p; “Same. Feel like some company? I can pick up breakfast on the way.”
“Breakfast at this hour?”
“Believe it or not, some people do eat before nine in the morning.”
“Funny.”
There was silence between them, and she had the feeling he was trying to get a read on her. She didn’t sound sleepy, so he’d know she hadn’t just woken up. He probably figured out easily she hadn’t slept yet. “You want hash browns?”
“Alec…”
“I’m already heading for the door. Better tell me or I’ll just get one of everything.”
In spite of herself she laughed. “Hash browns sound really good right now.”
“See you in about an hour.”
She clicked the phone off and set it on the deck beside her. She leaned her head back against the soft cushions and stared up at the night sky. She wondered if Josh was around there somewhere, watching her. He’d probably think she was pitiful. But she was trying as best as she could to figure things out on her own.
She held the pillow against her, her chin resting on top. Alec had shown up early that morning as promised with breakfast of hash browns, eggs, pancakes and whatever else he’d thought sounded good. She’d managed to have her hash browns and chocolate milk, the only thing that had sounded good to her, while he had the two breakfast sandwiches and pancakes. It amazed her he stayed so thin when he could eat like that.
She almost wondered how good Alec’s Avery radar was that he’d known she’d needed someone to be there with her. He’d been sitting on the couch nursing that same coffee for at least an hour already. He’d made quick work of the breakfast. “What’s the point?” she asked.
“Of what?”
“Anything.”
He leaned forward and set the coffee down. His lips thinned, and she watched the worry lines appear beside his eyes. “Hmmm…”
“Don’t give me that hmmm. Alec, I’m trying to find a reason.”
“For what?”
“To make myself go on.” The words tumbled out before she was able to censor them. She’d had that thought a lot lately, the one that had her questioning what she had to live for. She didn’t have a beautiful future ahead of her anymore. It was like she was facing the thickest fog imaginable, all alone with only the promise that she’d come through to the other side okay.
If Tomorrow Never Comes Page 26