“Josh, you’re dead to everyone down there. There’s no way to bring you back.”
Josh’s shoulders fell as the realization that Gabriel was right sank in. “She’s right.”
Gabriel shook his head. But the more he thought about it, the more something was pulling him to the conclusion it wasn’t. He was about to risk everything to change the panel’s mind. “I think you should go to her.”
“No way, not right now.”
Gabriel pressed his lips together, trying to keep his own temper in check. He’d never imagined the day when Josh wouldn’t leap at the chance to be with Avery. Something was definitely off in the grand scheme of things. “You’re being stubborn and hardheaded.”
“No, stubborn and hardheaded is that damn panel. Stubborn was me bugging Avery to move in with me. This is me, hurt that she’s…” He bit his lip, unable to vocalize the rest of his thoughts, but Gabriel knew. He could sense what was on his friend’s mind and, to be honest, he didn’t like the thoughts that were there lately. That someday, somehow, things were getting too out of hand. “I need to be mature, G. If this is what Avery thinks is best, if this is what is truly in her heart, then I need to let her do it.”
Gabriel sat down beside him. “She’s doing what she thinks is best for her and your son. She has no idea that you’re up here fighting to get back to her, to reverse time, to set things right. For her, life goes on, Josh, there’s no holding pattern. No pause button that stopped things until a decision is made one way or the other.”
“How would she know? I wasn’t allowed to tell her there was a chance when we were together.”
Gabriel sighed, wishing he could knock some sense into his friend. “Just go to her, Josh. Please.”
Josh growled in frustration, as if he thought Gabriel couldn’t understand what he was going through, being separated from everything, from his life, without the real chance of being listened to. “I can’t, Gabriel. If she’s putting my things away, I don’t want to watch her do that. Watch her trying to get rid of me.”
“That isn’t what she’s trying to do. You know that in your heart. All she’s trying to do is keep her sanity. To keep from being reminded every waking moment of what she lost.”
“By letting me go.” Josh shook his head, eyes brimming with tears. He reached up and wiped his eyes, a determined set to his jaw. “If she moves on, what do I have to try and go back for? What if what she finds is better than what we had?”
“You can’t think like that. You don’t know the future.”
“No, but I know the past and I know the present.”
“You don’t know the present until you go down there and witness it for yourself. If you love her like you say you do, like you’ve always claimed, you’ll go there right now.”
Josh’s eyes lifted in surprise as if he hadn’t expected Gabriel to challenge his words. “What are you saying, that you doubt I love her?”
Gabriel shook his head. “That’s not what I’m saying, but you need to go.”
***
Josh reached up to the top of the bookshelf. He pulled down one of the hats, an old Marlins one she’d bought him when they’d first started dating. He wasn’t amazed anymore that he was able to pick it up. He looked back at her sleeping in the bed, her tear stained face visible to him even in the darkness of the room. He went to his side of the bed and sat on the edge, listening as she mumbled softly in her sleep. His chest tightened as he recognized his name in her murmurings.
As much as it killed him inside, if he had to let her go for her own sake, if she had to let him go in order to go on, he’d find a way to deal with it. He just wasn’t ready to let go yet. He couldn’t. He was afraid of what would happen if he started to let go. What if one day he didn’t care anymore? What if he forgot the way she looked, how her smile could change his entire day? Or that making her laugh was one of his favorite things in the world.
“You do what you have to do, baby,” he whispered as he laid his hat on his pillow. “Whatever, okay? I understand.” He kissed his fingertips and pressed them against her lips before he faded away.
Chapter 28
Alec handed her the bottle of chilled water as they sat outside on his deck. He was thrilled to have been able to talk her out of that mausoleum she called a house. He slid his sunglasses off to study her more clearly. The circles around her eyes that had seemed to have faded were coming back. “Munchkin keeping you up?”
She set the bottle beside her on the oversized chair before running a hand over the baby, a small smile playing on her lips before she looked up at him. “Off and on. When I do sleep lately it just…well, sleep doesn’t do much for me anymore.”
“You know you need your rest.”
She shifted at his admonishment. He hadn’t meant for it to come out that way, more a suggestion, meant with love.
“I know that. It’s just…well, you know I’ve had nightmares lately about Josh.” She took a moment to open her water and take a small sip. She kept one hand protectively over the baby, her other firmly around the water bottle. “I’m afraid of life without him, with just me and Austin.”
He moved his chair closer and pulled her in his arms, not sure what else to do but let her know someone was there for her. “I know you are, but you’re so strong. You’ve gotten through all of this so far, and besides, you have this little one right here who wants his mommy.”
“Yeah, I know,” she admitted, but to him her voice sounded deflated and flat.
He smoothed her hair back. “What is it?”
“I think I need to let him go.” She pulled back and looked at him with tear filled eyes for a moment before tearing her gaze away, staring off across the backyard as if it pained her too much to admit it. “How do I do that, Alec? He was supposed to…” She chewed her bottom lip, unable to go on.
“Sweetheart, I can understand why you’d say that.” He kissed the top of her head, fighting back his tears. He knew he needed to be strong for her. To be someone she could lean on. “But you know part of this is because your hormones are all out of whack right now.”
“It’s not fair, Alec. He had so much to live for. Why him? Why us? Why couldn’t he have seen our baby?” She started to shake, and he pulled her back against him, trying to take her pain away. She buried her face in his shoulder, her warm tears seeping through his shirt.
“Shhh, sweetheart, come on now.” He rubbed her back soothingly. “Why do you have to let him go right now?”
She sniffled and lifted her head. He frowned at the sudden puffiness of her eyes. “Look at me. I lose it just talking about him. How can I be any sort of mother? I haven’t moved a single thing of his since he left.”
She didn’t mention that she’d tried. If she said how it had been like something had been holding everything of his in place, she was certain Alec would think she’d lost her mind. There were times when she wondered that herself. How much could a person take?
“It’s natural.” He wiped her tears away. “But I don’t think you need to rush through things. You need to do them in your own time, whenever that is. Five days from now or three years from now. You’ll know in your heart when it’s right, and then it will be.”
She nodded, keeping her head down so he couldn’t see how much she was crying. She had the urge to run away, run from absolutely all that was going on, but she couldn’t. That was impossible in her condition, and she couldn’t see leaving her life behind anyway. She just…she just needed to find a way to get through this without her heart aching every single moment.
Alec squeezed her hands. “Look, sweetheart, it’ll be all right. I promise you, okay?”
She forced a smile as she nodded. If only things were that easy. But she’d learned to believe that promises, no matter how well intentioned, weren’t guaranteed. Josh had promised her the world.
***
Blake helped Avery into the car and shut the door after her. He glanced at her through the glass. She’d been unnaturally qu
iet since he’d arrived half an hour before. It worried him deep in his gut. There was a feeling that he couldn’t explain, but whatever it was, he didn’t like it at all. Something just didn’t feel right, but the more he tried to pinpoint it, the more elusive it became. It was just a vague sense of unease, that something, somewhere wasn’t right. Maybe he’d feel better when he got Avery home. She was closing in on her due date. That was probably it. Everyone was growing on edge about it, the surprise factor of not knowing when it would happen or who she would be with. They all agreed on one thing though, they didn’t want her alone when it did.
He turned to see Alec standing a few feet away, his concern mirrored on his face. He too was looking at her inside the car. “Thanks for calling me.”
“Hey, no problem. She’s really in no condition to drive. I’ll take her car back over to her place in a while, and you can drive me back here later, okay?”
“Course.” Blake pulled out his car keys. “She wants to go to Josh first, so I’ll take her by…” He paused, staring at a point on the garage door. Would it ever be real enough for him to say cemetery? That from now on going to see Josh wouldn’t involve a house or a basketball court or a restaurant somewhere, just a place on a hill with a bench and a couple of small trees that someday would give a whole lot of shade over those who went to visit. He cleared his throat, trying to stop the wall of emotion from hitting him as he gave his head a shake. “I’ll take her to visit him.”
“Just watch her. She’s pretty out of it today.”
Blake nodded his agreement. “We won’t stay there long. I still can’t be there for that much time anyway. I see his name, and, well, you know.”
Alec nodded, kicking at a stone on the driveway. “I still can’t believe he’s gone.”
“Doesn’t seem right,” Blake said. His little brother should be there with Avery, getting excited and anxious about the birth of his son only a few short weeks away. He turned back to the car and saw Avery fiddling with the radio. “I’ll call you once we’re on the way home. I don’t want her there too long.”
Alec nodded his agreement. “Sounds good. Maybe I’ll bring over dinner.”
“Perfect. See you in a few hours.”
An hour later after stopping at a drive-thru for a couple of drinks and a small snack, Blake helped her sit on the bench at the cemetery. He glanced at the headstone from the corner of his eye, the sadness washing over him as fresh and as painful as when he’d first heard the news about his brother. He put a small smile on his face for her benefit, not wanting to make her feel guilty about wanting to be there. “I’ll give you a couple minutes alone, then we’ll head home.” He looked up at the sky. The beautiful blue that had been there when they’d left Alec’s had been quickly replaced by gloomy grey clouds that seemed to threaten rain at any moment. The slight breeze was picking up steam, too. He didn’t want her out in a storm in her condition. Didn’t want to risk her catching a cold. “Looks like it’s going to rain soon.”
She nodded her agreement as she glanced skyward. “Thank you, Blake.”
He squeezed her hand. “No need to thank me.” He took one last look at the headstone then started to walk away, leaving her to her time alone with his brother.
She waited till Blake was well out of earshot. She couldn’t shake that unsettled feeling that had appeared out of nowhere the last couple nights and had triggered her sudden bout of wanting to move on, an effort she thought would lessen it. It hadn’t. Most people probably would pass that feeling off as nerves over her impending due date, that there was nothing to be worried about. Women had babies all the time. Things weren’t any different for her than they were for millions of other women.
She pulled at a loose thread on her jacket, anything to keep from seeing his name emblazoned on that cold stone. “Hi, Josh. This is probably going to be the last time I’m here for a while. You probably know he’s due soon.” She paused, resting a hand on her side. Austin kicked right at her hand, making it jump. He was getting so active lately. “Alec’s planning on spending the weekend. I think he’s afraid I’ll go into labor and forget to call him. He’s so much like you sometimes. Maybe that’s why I asked him to be there.”
She took a shaky breath as she slid her sunglasses off, resting them on top of her head. “I broke down at Alec’s today. Probably scared him half to death, but, you know, I can’t help myself sometimes. He played it off as pregnancy hormones, but I don’t know. All I do know is that without you all I have is…” Her gaze drifted to where she could see Blake still walking down the path away from her. She still had some time to get things off her chest, to say the things to him that she felt she needed to. Things she hoped that somehow he could hear, no matter where he was.
“I got the hat, Josh. I guess that was your way of telling me it was okay to let you go. As much as I think that I should, that I need to, no matter how much this morning I desperately wanted to, I can’t. Not right now. Not yet.”
Blake walked down the gravel path, his hands shoved into his pockets. What he needed most was a heart to heart with his best friend, his brother, to hear his voice again. “You should be here, man. You had so much to look forward to. The baby. Proposing to Avery. Getting married. If I could, I’d trade places with you in a heartbeat. I’m not just saying that either. I would, you know. I miss you.” He stopped and leaned against an old tree, its bark rough and coarse, but he didn’t care. He watched Avery off in the distance. Her sadness was visible even from his vantage point so far away. It tore him up inside. There was nothing any of them could do for her. No one could ever bring him back. No one could fill that hole in her heart, in her life. “I wish this wouldn’t have happened. If I would have had a feeling, a single inkling, I would have stopped you from coming to meet up with us, but there was nothing. I didn’t even realize anything was wrong until I saw the cop car coming down the street. I’m sorry, Josh. I’m so sorry.” He tried to hold back his tears. His body shook with the emotion, with the guilt he’d carried for so long. Shouldn’t he have felt something was wrong with his little brother? That something could happen so he could have warned him not to come. He hugged his arms around himself, closing his eyes tightly. “I’m so sorry.”
***
Avery played with the radio as Blake drove. Peacefulness had descended around her since they’d left the cemetery. Maybe going there and spending some time alone with Josh, having the conversation she wasn’t sure she’d ever have with him, had actually done some good. She scanned through the satellite radio stations, trying to find something to fit her mood, but nothing seemed to match up. She was close to turning it off and giving up. “Blake?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you…when we’re there talking to him, do you think he’s there? Or that he can hear us, at least?” She finally settled on an old eighties station, the music lively enough to not send her back into her sadness. She lowered the volume so they could talk without shouting to one another. She leaned back in her seat, watching the city pass by through the tinted windows. She saw Blake glance at her.
“Honestly, I’m not sure. I think he would be there, though. I think he’s probably wherever we are, tagging along like some unseen protector.”
She played with the engagement ring on her finger. “I just didn’t feel him.”
It had felt like that the last few weeks. She could no longer feel him at all. No cool brushes against her, no distant murmurs, no more sketches in the sketchbook. It was like he’d up and left her alone.
Blake took his right hand off the steering wheel and gave hers a reassuring squeeze, risking a glance at her before putting his full attention back on the road. “Well, maybe he had some place he had to be.”
“Or maybe he’s really gone.” She closed her eyes, squeezing them tightly shut. That feeling was back, her peacefulness was abating, and something else was taking its place, something she didn’t like.
“Josh will never be gone, sweetheart.”
Chapter 29
Gabriel knew he had to get to Josh and fast before he somehow found out on his own. The connection between him and Avery was something Gabriel hadn’t witnessed before. He had a feeling Josh would know it the moment she was conscious, their connection so strong, so unbreakable that the realization of the loss would hit him that quickly.
He stretched out his senses, going from location to location, the house, the beach, the boat, the cemetery, all trying to find a glimpse of Josh. He even stopped at the hospital, afraid he’d been right and Josh had somehow found out before he had a chance to break the news to him himself. Thankfully he wasn’t there.
He concentrated harder on his friend, his form vanishing. A moment later the sea breeze brushed his face, and he found himself on an unfamiliar stretch of beach. Somehow he knew they weren’t in Florida anymore. Josh had actually taken his words to heart and stretched his wings, so to speak. But this wasn’t the time for a fleeting moment of pride. This was when Gabriel needed all his nerve to break the news to the man who had become a close friend. He swallowed the lump in his throat as he saw Josh poised at the edge of the water, staring out at the waves.
“Josh…”
Gabriel’s voice carried on the wind. He raised his head to look down the stretch of deserted beach. His friend hurried toward him, leaving footsteps in the sand behind him. Josh frowned at the realization he wasn’t masking himself. He wasn’t trying to hide as Gabriel had been so intent on lecturing him to do, to not leave a trace behind. The fact that they were supposed to stay “veiled” clearly was the last thing on his friend’s mind.
The first thing Josh noticed when Gabriel appeared in front of him was that he looked stressed, something Josh hadn’t seen before. His eyes were wide and there was fear in them, clear as day. Suddenly Josh stepped back as his friend reached for him. “What?” There were so many questions in the lone word, so many worries and fears.
“We have to go.”
Josh couldn’t comprehend what was going on. In the next instant, Gabriel clutched his arm and the beach faded away. He had his eyes open the whole time, seeing the zooming black tunnel on either side of him. Suddenly they were in the middle of a bright hallway. Josh blinked, looking around in confusion. A hospital? “Where are we, Gabriel?” he asked, a hollowness appearing in his gut, a feeling he detested on first realization.
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