He rocked her slowly, back and forth, never lessening his grip on her. She clung to him, murmuring all the thoughts in her head. The worries. The fact she couldn’t face their room anymore. How could she look at another baby again? How she’d let everyone down. It was all her fault, she should have taken better care of herself from the beginning.
She had no one else to blame.
She’d done this herself.
Chapter 31
Gabriel hated to intrude on the two of them, but he had someone in his arms whom, no doubt, they’d both want to see. He walked over to the bassinet in the corner and gently laid a serene Austin down inside. “Now listen, young man,” he said quietly, veiling himself and the baby for the moment so Josh didn’t realize they were there yet. “You behave, no crying, all right?”
The baby gurgled.
Gabriel smiled. “Good boy.” He attached the label that said Baby Collins to the front and slowly wheeled it beside Josh’s chair. The wheel squeaked slightly, and Josh turned his head, his puffy eyes widening as he saw Gabriel. The older man put a finger to his lips and motioned to the baby. Josh gave a small nod in response
Josh blinked, staring at the baby in the bassinet beside him who was gazing around in wonder. He looked so alive, so happy. Could he do this to her? She was still clutching his shirt. “Sweetheart…” His voice was gentle. “There’s someone here I want you to meet.” He pulled the bassinet closer with one hand, leaving the other tight around her. “Aves…”
She pulled back, shaking her head. “No.” The lone word was a plea, her voice hoarse. “This is our son.” He leaned over and picked him up carefully out of the bassinet. “They wanted you to see him at least once.”
She drew further back. “I can’t.” She kept her gaze locked solely on his, like nothing else existed. Her stubbornness was award winning and now was no exception. He knew she was trying to protect herself from any more pain. She was shielding her heart the only way she knew how. “Avery, he’s beautiful.”
“I don’t want to see what I’ve lost.”
He carefully maneuvered himself onto the bed beside her. She kept her eyes away from them, focusing on the blanket draped over her. She twisted the ID bracelet around her wrist, anything but look at him and the baby in his arms. “I know how you feel. I’ve watched you almost every single day since the accident. It’s been the most painful experience I’ve ever gone through, but, Avery, seeing him might help you in time.”
She dared a small glance, but just at him, not the bundled baby in his arms.
“Say hi to your mommy, handsome.” He moved the blankets so their son peeked out over the edge. She didn’t even blink, her eyes locked on Josh until Austin gurgled almost as if he was demanding her attention, his way of saying Mommy, look at me.
A small sob escaped her and she looked down at him, her face crumpling with emotion. “Oh, God.” She covered her mouth with her hand. “Why did I lose him?”
Josh shook his head. He didn’t know what answer to give her when he didn’t know or understand himself. “I don’t know, honey.”
She reached a tentative hand out, resting it on the blanket around him. “I’ve lost everything.” She whispered the words so softly he almost didn’t hear her.
Josh turned and placed the baby in her arms, watching her expression go from sad to startled to full of love. For a moment he wondered if their son was able to give her the feeling of peace that Gabriel tried so often to impart to him. She needed it. She needed something to help her through this.
He put an arm around her, pulling her close and resting his head against hers. “I’m so sorry.” He didn’t know what else to say. There weren’t any other words he could come up with that would do anything more. He had no magic words to take away her pain.
They sat like that for a while, just the three of them, all silent with their own thoughts. He watched her hold their son’s hand and smile when he yawned. He wanted to give her Austin, wanted her to never know this pain she was going through right now.
Couldn’t Gabriel tell them what this was doing to her? Couldn’t they take one moment and look for themselves, one moment to see the shakiness in her hands, the lost look in her eyes. He’d watched the fear appear in them the moment she saw him. The moment she realized she’d lost Austin. It was as if all hope had been taken away from her and she had nothing left to go on for. All her reasons for hanging on had been taken away from her.
A flash of light caught his attention in the far corner, and his heart sank. This was going to be too hard. Why couldn’t she have simply fallen asleep so he and the baby could have faded away? He didn’t want to be the one to tell her and then rip the baby out of her arms. How could he do this? How could they expect him to? This was too much, too cruel.
“I don’t know how much time we have left together.” He ran his fingers through her hair, tucking it behind her ear like he’d always loved to do in the mornings.
“I just want to hold him a little while longer.” She ran her fingers gently over her son’s tiny face, tracing every feature. “He has your eyes.” The corner of her mouth lifted up into a partial smile at the realization.
Josh smiled. “And your nose. Did you see his hair?”
She moved the blanket back a smidge, her smile growing wider as she saw the light wisps of hair covering his head. “Blonde.” She laughed softly as she carefully pulled the blanket back in place, keeping the baby warm.
“You haven’t laughed in a long time.”
“Not much to laugh about lately.” She glanced at him shyly. It was like she knew. She shifted the baby closer to her, nestling herself closer to Josh too with the movement. “I don’t want to let you two leave.”
Josh rested his hand over hers on the blanket. “We’ll always be around. Just like I’ve been. You’re never alone, sweetheart.”
At his father’s voice, the baby opened his eyes again and gazed straight at her. Her mouth fell open. “He’s perfect.” She smiled through her tears as Austin reached out and latched tightly onto her finger, his whole hand wrapped securely around her, like he didn’t want to let her go either. “Does he know?”
“I’m not sure. He might.”
She stayed silent a moment, just looking lovingly down at her son. “I’m sorry, baby. Mommy’s so sorry.”
Josh buried his face against her shoulder, hating the pain in her voice. Hating that she felt she needed to apologize for something that wasn’t her fault. “It’s not your fault. You never did anything wrong.” He wanted her to know that. To take the guilt away. He didn’t want that thought in her head all the time. He knew the way guilt ate away at a person’s heart, their very soul, and that was the last thing he wanted for her.
“I must have. First you, now him.”
“No, you didn’t. It’s me. It’s my fault.” He lifted his head, looking at her and his son. “Blame me.” It was true. He was the one who’d failed. Failed her. Failed Austin. Failed himself. Somehow he hadn’t done the right thing. It had eluded him for months and now, because of it, he’d brought all this about.
Gabriel stood in the corner, his heart breaking at the scene in front of him. The last thing he wanted to do was interrupt, but their time together was almost up. He needed to give Josh some sort of signal, but he didn’t want to startle Avery. She’d been through enough. They deserved their privacy, a chance to grieve their loss together. He made himself completely invisible and waited. He wished she’d simply drift off to sleep and he could slip Josh and the baby out quietly, spare her the pain of watching them leave.
As quietly as possible, he moved toward the bed. Josh whispered soothing words in her ear, never looking away from the baby. “Josh, please don’t make a movement or sound to let her know someone else is here.”
Josh tensed for the briefest moment then gave a slight nod.
Gabriel saw her desperately trying to blink her sleepiness away. He could sense her struggle to hang on, to make these moments last. She was tryi
ng so desperately to stay strong in front of Josh, but he could feel her will to go on fading with every passing second. “She’ll fall asleep soon, within half an hour. You’ll leave then, not a minute before.”
“Thanks, G,” he whispered, only loud enough for him to hear.
The heartache radiated from his friend. “Why don’t the three of us lie together, huh?” Josh whispered, brushing her hair back. “Put munchkin between us?”
Avery nodded. “That’d be nice.”
Josh knew how reluctant she was to hand him back their son, almost as if she were terrified the second he was back in Josh’s arms the two of them would vanish. “Here, I’ll lie on my side like this.” He inched down in the small bed, rolling on his side to face her. “And he can lie right here like that.” He gently maneuvered the baby from her, setting him right between them.
Austin looked up at them both intently, as if he too were trying to soak up the moment. The second he locked eyes with his mother, her breath hitched. “Take care of him.”
“Always.” He reached up and brushed her tears away. “You’ll be okay, sweetheart.” He wanted to hold her so tightly she’d know he’d never let her go, that his arms would always be around her even if she couldn’t feel them.
“Not without you, not without him.” She looked down at her son. “I was so close, just a few weeks away, and he would have been mine.”
As careful as he could so as not to squeeze the baby, he wrapped his arms around her. “Don’t think that, come on.”
“I don’t want to think, I don’t even want to feel anymore.” She took a shaky breath. “I just want…”
Her eyes said so much, she didn’t need to finish the sentence.
He put his finger over her lips. “Don’t say it.”
She leaned back against her pillow and reached out, holding tightly to her son’s tiny hand. “I want what I’ll never have. What we’ll never have.”
His fingers went through her hair, trying to soothe her. “So do I, baby, so do I.” He watched her eyelids flutter and he knew Gabriel was right. It wouldn’t be much longer till she finally fell asleep on them.
She looked at him sleepily and reached up, touching his face. “I know what you’re going to tell me. Don’t fight it.”
He kissed her palm. “I almost wish you would.”
She smiled weakly. “I love you,” she whispered.
The baby looked up at her and smiled just before her eyes fell closed. Josh watched her, his heart breaking. She almost seemed peaceful, like somehow the baby really had done what Gabriel did for him. He just wished that peace would stay with her, would be enough to carry her through.
“We love you too, angel,” he whispered. “So much, so very, very much.”
There was a small noise behind him, and he didn’t need to look to know Gabriel stood there. “It’ll be all right.”
“Yeah.” He nodded as his son stared up at him in wonder, and he smiled. It might not be just yet, but he was going to do everything in his power to make it right.
Chapter 32
Josh held his son in his arms, aware of every little movement the infant made. Of the way he turned toward Josh’s body as if seeking his presence as much as Josh needed to see him, to hold him, like they were somehow validating each other’s existence.
He tore his gaze away from the sleeping infant’s face to confront the panel. He still didn’t understand why they’d called him there. He’d just left Avery a few minutes before when she’d finally completely dozed off, her hand still resting on the baby, her tears dusting her eyelashes.
The infant in his arms stirred, a slight wiggle followed by a stretch. Josh smiled down at him. “Hey, little guy. You’re wondering why we’re here, huh? Me, too. Bet you probably wanted to spend more time with your beautiful mommy.” He shifted the baby in his arms. “Me, too, but we’re—”
“Josh.” The woman on the panel interrupted him.
He raised his eyes away from his son. “I’m guessing you want me to hand him over to you?” He didn’t know how he’d be able to simply hand his son over, not knowing if or when he’d ever see him again or what would happen to him from that moment on.
The man to her left shook his head. “No, not yet.”
“Then what? Gabriel said I wouldn’t be able to keep him with me so…” He trailed off as the door opened and Gabriel slipped into the room, quickly taking a seat in the back. He gave his friend a questioning look, but Gabriel didn’t so much as crack a small smile or nod in his direction. “What’s going on?” He turned back to the panel. Something was up, he could feel it.
“We’ve reviewed some things in light of certain events. There are certain things that have been going on that shouldn’t have ever happened. Avery’s accident and the loss of the child, for one. Your death sent a lot of things spiraling out of control. Probably more than we know about.”
Josh stood there, trying to comprehend what they’d just said. It was like they’d finally heard every single argument he’d made since he’d arrived. That there was so much wrong with their decision, with what was transpiring without him. He didn’t know what to say, didn’t want to upset the panel in any way when they were finally starting to see things his way. In his arms, his son looked up at him and gurgled slightly. Out of instinct, he swayed gently, trying to get his son to sleep. “This isn’t fair, you know,” he said at last as he stared at each member of the panel, trying to get a read on them. “You won’t give me an appeal. You won’t let him have one either. What about Avery? Do you even care about her? What this has done to her? What it will do?” Austin deserved so much more than this bare existence. To know what it was like to live. To be loved.
Josh shifted him in his arms. “What if I make a deal? His life for mine. I won’t ever ask about me again. At least that way if Avery can’t have me, she can have our son.” Sharp pain filled him as he tried to fight back his stinging tears, but he didn’t want to appear weak in front of the panel. “I swear I won’t break the rules. I’ll only visit her when Gabriel’s with me. I’ll never touch her. I won’t even get close enough to think about it.”
The woman on the panel actually showed some emotion for once as she pressed her lips together, her attention on the infant in his arms. “About the child…”
Instinctively, Josh held his son closer to him. “He deserves a chance to know his mother and his family. He should be able to go back and live a full, happy life.” A tear fell and landed on the blanket around his son. Josh blinked, trying to get the tears to go away. He didn’t want to do this in front of them. He didn’t want to appear weak, as if he couldn’t handle the promises he was making. He truly meant every word from his heart, the very depths of his soul. He’d give up everything in a heartbeat for a chance for his son.
What else could he say? He had no idea what more to say on behalf of his son. “Please? I had a chance but he…” His voice broke and he looked at the sleeping infant again. “He deserves one. Avery deserves one. She’s been through so much. She doesn’t need any more heartache. My family deserves a chance to know him, to love him.”
A few whispered comments were exchanged between the panel before the woman nodded and turned toward him. Her voice was the kindest he’d ever heard it. “Give us a few moments, would you, Josh?”
He nodded as they stood up and left the room. He was amazed that they hadn’t ordered him out instead. Gabriel moved toward him, smiling kindly at the little boy still in Josh’s arms. “Why don’t we go out there?” he asked as he motioned to the door.
“Sure.” He didn’t want to just wait around in that room. “Do you think I got through?” he asked his friend anxiously as they walked toward the large door. “I just kept hoping I wasn’t repeating what I’d already said.”
Gabriel pushed the door open and let Josh out first. The door shut silently behind them. “You didn’t. This time everything you said came straight from your heart.”
Josh was confused. “What do you mean
? The other times—”
Gabriel shrugged. “They came from there too but they tended to be selfish, concentrating on your loss. Now that you were fighting for Austin, you put him and Avery’s loss ahead of your own.”
He couldn’t believe it, but in a way, maybe his friend was right. Before it had been all about him, what he wanted, what he said he needed. He’d thought he’d been talking about what everyone else needed, but really, it had been all for him. “I mean it, though. It’ll kill me not to go back, but at least she’ll have him. You were there, you saw her.” Josh hated thinking back, the pain etched so clear on her face, the way she clung to him, to the baby. She was desperate to go with him. Desperate enough to maybe someday do something foolish just so she could. He hated that. She had a full life ahead of her, one that, even though it didn’t include him, she had every right to live. To enjoy. To…
“She was in bad shape,” Gabriel agreed, interrupting his thoughts.
“But if he…if he goes back,” Josh said, “it should change things, shouldn’t it? No more stress like that on her? No…”
Gabriel sighed as they walked along. “There will still be the accident, of course, time can be rewound but we can’t rewrite the entire history. There was a reason for it to happen. She’ll learn how close she came to losing him, and she’ll hopefully change.”
“Hopefully?” Josh didn’t like that word. Hopefully wasn’t part of the bargain he’d agreed to. Hopefully meant a whole other realm of possibilities he didn’t like.
***
She moved around the table, her expression sad as she went to reach for the infant. “It’s time to give us the baby, Josh.”
He held his son tighter, trying to control himself. He didn’t want to show how much this hurt him. “Not until you tell me.” He wasn’t going to hand him over with the chance of never seeing him again hanging overhead. He might not have been able to do things for himself, but he was going to do everything in his power to protect his son from the same pain he endured.
If Tomorrow Never Comes Page 31