by Kara Hart
In the distance, Casablanca is playing, though we’ve missed about half of the movie. The gesture is still the same though and I’m happy he’s gone out of his way so much for me. It’s a bittersweet feeling when I really think about it. Soon I’d be headed back home. Though, there has to be a way to remain in contact. There has to be.
“Here’s looking at you, kid,” he says. I snort and shake my head. He’s kissing me all over like I’m his treasure. We’re both just so god damn happy to be together.
There’s a faint glimmer in his eye that tells me something is up. I’m not exactly sure what it is, but I can see it. It’s the way he looks away from me, looking down in swift thought. In a matter of moments, however, he lifts that handsome jaw of his and smiles, and everything is suddenly better again.
“You know,” I begin, massaging around his massive back muscles. “You might just be my hero.”
“Your hero?” he laughs. “Oh, hell no. I’m no one’s role model.”
“No, I’m serious,” I say, pressing my thumb and forefinger against a tough knot. He’s carrying a lot of stress in his shoulders. Duh. “You’ve sort of saved me.”
“From that guy who tried taking your shit? Yeah, well, he’s an asshole. Any guy would have set him in his place.”
“No,” I say, “I’m not talking about him. I’m just saying, in general. You’ve made me value being home. You’ve taught me that family is a good thing. You know, you’re under fire and everything, and now you have this new respect for life. It’s really rubbed off on me.”
“You’re welcome,” he winks. “Still, I wouldn’t call me a hero.”
“Maybe I’ll take the semester off,” I tell him. I bite my lip, waiting for him to reply. I said it on a whim, but it’s a definite possibility. “I mean, why not? I have my whole life to finish school. One semester won’t kill me.”
“Bianca,” he groans. “I don’t think that’s such a great idea.”
“What? Why?” I ask him. “Don’t you want to see me more?”
“You have to go to school, darling. Your whole family is depending on you,” he says. The way he’s looking out the window tells me everything has changed. At first, I thought it was for the better. Now I’m thinking it’s for the worse.
On the screen Humphrey Bogart looks downtrodden. His woman has left him. The one he was willing to give everything to has disappeared. I turn to Hunter and say, “I don’t want to leave you. I don’t want this to disappear.”
“All good things disappear in the end,” he says, whispering into the empty cab. He rolls down the window and lights up a cigarette. “Including me.”
“That’s a cop out,” I try to tell him. “That doesn’t mean anything. They don’t have to disappear if you don’t want it to. You’re letting me leave. That’s a whole different thing.” I open the cab door. I need some air. I need some time to think. I put on my clothes and run my hands through my hair. What the fuck has happened? Does he really not want to see me again after this?
“At least tell me what’s going on,” I say. “Don’t keep me in the dark. I’m much smarter than you think, you know.”
“I know. You’re the smartest girl I’ve ever met,” he ashes his cigarette outside and looks toward me. “But it’s time for all of this to end. It’s time for me to be on my way.”
“That’s exactly what I’m talking about, Hunter. What does ‘on my way’ mean?” I ask, nearly losing it. “Are you going to turn yourself in or something?”
“That’s exactly what I’m going to do,” he says with a straight face. I’m in complete disbelief. How the hell does he think that’s a sound idea? He’s ruining everything for no reason.
“Who put you up to this?” I ask him. “Tell me, dammit!”
“Nobody,” he sighs, taking another drag in deep. “I’m doing it because I don’t need to drag you into this anymore than you already are, okay? I’ve endangered you enough. Besides, I can’t keep running forever. I’m getting tired.”
“Tired?” I scream. “Tired? Since when was tired ever a good excuse?”
“I sleep outside, Bianca. I’m a homeless derelict at this point. I have nowhere to go, nowhere to run to. I only have you and that doesn’t mean much when you have a real life to go back to,” he says, face turning helpless. He looks as if he’s about to cry, but he holds his tears back. “I want the best for you. And for that, I’ll lay my life down. You mean too much to me, Bianca. I love you.”
“But I love you too,” I start crying. I can’t help it. I don’t give a shit if that makes me weak. It’s just how I feel. I love him too much now. “Don’t leave me like this.”
“You’re strong, Bianca. You’re going to have a great life,” he says. “It’ll just have to be without me. You have no idea how fucking sorry I am. I’ve been beating myself up over this decision all day. I just…”
“You just what?” I start pacing in the dirt. “You just needed to be an asshole?”
“No,” he carefully chooses his word. “I just needed to have one last good night with you. A night I could cherish. If there is an afterlife, and I’m hoping there is, I’ll remember this night forever.”
“Yeah? Well, I won’t,” I say it without thinking. “I’ll forget you and everything we’ve done. I’ll make sure to have that happy life you wanted for me.”
Me saying this just makes me angrier because I know it’s what he wants. I know he wants to give up. How can I let him though? Hunter is looking at me like he has no more words left inside of him. We both know the truth. We know what’s going to happen in the end. His death. My leaving. But I’m younger than him and I still have some hope left in me.
The cab driver comes back to find us sitting against the outside of his cab. We’re staring idly at the movie screen, which has now shut off. He’s holding an Italian sub and he takes a bite eagerly and stares at us. “What happened to you guys?” he asks.
“Nothing,” I say. “We’re done here. You can take us back now.”
“Sure thing,” he smiles awkwardly and starts his cab.
All of the lights in Detroit are shining bright. Well, all except the one in my heart. I know better than to turn mine on anymore. The cab comes to a halt in front of my house and I get out in a hurry. Hunter does too. Even though I’m angry, I can’t help but feel that I need him near me still.
He grabs my hand as the car takes off. “What you and I had could have been forever. We just got the wrong shuffle of the deck.”
“You saying that is still a cop out,” I say, choking up. My throat starts to swell and I know if I stay too long here, I’ll start bawling like a baby.
“Maybe,” he sighs. “Then again, maybe not. I love you, Bianca. Thank you for gracing me with your presence.”
“I love you, Hunter,” I say, feeling the tears push past my eyes. “I’ll never forget you.”
His warm body wraps around mine and I start crying into his shirt. His scent, the one I’ve been yearning for since I met him fills my senses and I start to remember all that we’ve done together. That first hideout of his, the fun we had on the front lawn, the picnic and wild sex on the roof… All of those times were special to me because of how he made me feel.
But now, those times meant something more. Now that he was on his way out, I knew there wasn’t any chance of getting more of those memories. And that made it all the more tough to say goodbye.
He kisses my lips tenderly and disappears into the night. “I’ll always be near you in some way or another,” he whispers as he walks into the darkness. I’m crying and wiping the snot away from my nose. I don’t care how gross I am right now. I feel like I lost a part of me and I don’t know how to replace that feeling.
I climb into my window and fall onto my bed, grabbing around my pillow. His scent is still on it and I feel the knife twist in deeper. This just never ends, does it? I know someday I’ll move on. As for now, I’m just full of sadness.
There’s nothing I can do and that’s reall
y the worst part about everything. As a girl, you always grow up thinking that love will be easy. I always thought that I’d meet Mr. Right and he’d charm me, take me out to dinner, and then we’d get married and have kids and everything would be perfect. Of course, that’s not how it works.
It takes effort. It takes strength. It takes pushing through your weaknesses until you come out a new person. I was okay with doing that with Hunter. I knew we were perfect for one another, even if I did reject him a few times. But now, it’s like he’s already gone. I’ll never see him again. Just like that, the flame is blown out and I’m left standing in the darkness.
Hunter
I’m losing my damn mind. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Am I really going to turn myself in like this? Who in their right mind would do such a thing? I’m a fucking fool. There’s no doubt about that. The shit a man will do for pussy.
I can’t stop pretending. I love the damn woman. But this, this is too much. I sit in my corner and hold my pistol. I’m drinking heavily too because there’s nothing else left for me. I just want to feel something, dammit. Anything. Just give me the feeling she gave me. Make me whole again.
I hold my gun and point it at my face. Of course, I immediately turn away and drop it. “Fuck!” I scream, trying my hardest not to sob. I hit the bottle over and over again, until I’m crawling around on the cold rubble around me. I’m a loser. A fucking loser. I’ve ruined my life and I deserve all I can get.
Ricky. That motherfucker Ricky Luccioti. How the hell did he ever become the boss? It’s no wonder why this family is so fucked up. They’ve got this guy in charge of everything. The crew is falling apart anyway. Pretty soon, there will be no one left. A new generation of assholes will grow up to run it back into the ground.
I remember one guy I shot dead. Thirty-two bullets in the back and head. It was Tommy Lacarto and me, back in those golden days, the heyday of our escapades. We used to call him “Tommy the Cart,” on account of his last name. But he was fucking ruthless too. He wouldn’t take any shit from anyone. And when someone mouthed off, boy, you better believe they’d be leaving in a body bag. He could fill a cart of bodies every month. That’s why he was called The Cart.
Those days always seemed so fun. We were young. We had no idea what we were really doing. We just copied the guys before us. Only, we knew we had to be a little crazier than those guys. Those guys died. Those guys ended up in prison.
We took over the whole city, of course, and everything changed for the better. Or, so I thought. In reality, we were all digging our own graves.
So when Tommy and me shot that bastard thirty-two times in the back, we just laughed. We actually thought it was funny. Can anyone believe that? That’s how fucked up in the head we were.
But, I remember what the guy said before we shot him. I remember how he acted. He wasn’t scared. He didn’t even try to run away or put up a fight. Instead, he just knew his time was up. The bastard just knew it in his bones. I remember him saying “It all ends like this, you know.”
That confused me so I asked him what the hell he was talking about. Tommy just laughed, drunk off his power. It scared me, though. I wanted to know what he meant by that.
“It all ends like this. Either you end up in a jail cell, rotting like a corpse. Or you end up dead, betrayed by your own kind,” he said to me. “The thing I don’t get though, does it all turn black?”
That’s when Tommy blasted him. Shot him right in the spine and watched him bleed out. I grabbed my gun and shot a few times without looking. I didn’t know what else to do. I had to end the guy’s suffering. Not that I was a good guy or anything. I was a piece of shit and that’s why I am where I am today. Still, it sends chills down my spine thinking about it.
Does it all turn black? Maybe. I sure hope not. I hope it all comes back around. Only, maybe I can make it better next time. Shit, I keep repeating my thoughts over and over in my head. The plight of a prisoner is going crazy. You don’t learn anything. Nothing gets solved. You just lose who you are. You turn into a monster, probably worse than before.
I grab the gun and put it in my mouth. I do it so fast I don’t have time to think. I pull the trigger, feeling the weight of the barrel scratch against my teeth. Shit. It’s the only word that comes to mind when I pull the trigger. Shit.
I hear that clicking noise and it’s heavy as, well, shit. There’s no spark though, no loud bang, or the feeling of hot fire racing through my brain. No blood pours out. It’s just me and my broken gun. Figures.
I toss the gun away and feel the tears falling down from my eyes. “I can’t even die right,” I say to myself, shaking my head. That’s how much of a fucking failure I am. Well, I take another swig of my drink and pick myself up off the ground. I start walking.
This is the end for me. That much I know. But first, I need to make a pit stop.
Chapter: 19: Bianca
Giovanni comes into my room like a thundercloud crashing at dawn. He slams my door and stands against the hallway. He doesn’t say a word. All he does is stare.
“What do you want?” I ask him. “Come on. I’m trying to sleep.”
“I don’t care about your sleeping habits,” he says. Finally, he walks toward my old computer desk and sits down. He gives a deep exhale and opens his mouth slightly, choosing his words carefully.
“Look, there’s something I should tell you,” he says. “It’s about your situation and it involves some members of the family business.”
“Stop talking in code,” I tell him, sitting up from my comfy bed. My heart starts to pound and I get the feeling that this isn’t going to be one of those nice heart to heart talks other brothers and sisters have together. “Tell me what’s going on. What’s happened to Hunter?”
He takes another deep breath and tells me everything. “He’s going to Ricky. I shouldn’t even be telling you this. He’s giving himself up,” he says. My body seems to float away from me. My soul is crushed and my heart is currently deflating. “He thought it was about time.”
“About time?” I repeat my brother’s words. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” My voice goes shrill and I don’t care any longer. I stand up out of bed, wearing my pajamas, and scream at him. “Where is Hunter?”
“He can’t keep running. It’ll catch up to him eventually,” he says.
I can’t help but mutter, “Bullshit. He could have stayed the course. He could have been fine. They’d give up searching for him eventually. They’re not the FBI.”
“No we’re not the FBI. We’re more powerful than them,” he says. “But that doesn’t matter to me. He needed to do this, Bianca. If he didn’t, you could have gotten hurt. Ricky is crazy enough to kill a family member. He doesn’t give two shits if you’re male or female. He barely respects the code as it is.”
“I don’t know what to say, other than demand you tell me where exactly he’s meeting him,” I say, tears welling up against my eyes. I feel one fall across my cheek, landing onto my bed.
“I can’t do that,” he says, getting up from my desk. He turns to walk from my room to the hallway. “I just thought… I just thought you should know. Sorry.”
“Tell me where he is!” I scream, throwing a pillow at the door. It’s too late. It’s already shut and a few seconds later, I can hear the crunching of leaves against his shoes outside.
It’s over. I fall against my bed and start bawling. I can’t fucking help it. I can’t just bottle these emotions up. An hour later, I think about searching for him, but when I walk outside, the task is daunting. I could go to where he’s been staying, but I have a feeling he’s not there anymore. I could go to Ricky and try my best, but that won’t work out well for me either.
So, before I know it, I’m asleep. I give up because everything just seems so… daunting. The whole night I dream of Hunter. I dream of us getting married, us having children and buying a nice simple house on the coast. I dream about it all, but when I wake up, I know everything will be o
ver.
Hunter
I do what I have to do and that makes me more of a hero than any of these other motherfuckers on the streets. I’m an outlaw, a wanted man. But in the past, I was made. I was set to become one of the heads of my gang. They should make me a fucking saint for my act of martyrdom. Instead, I’ll most likely just be forgotten.
“Here goes nothing,” I laugh, shaking my head, as I walk through the cool summer wind towards Ricky’s place. I’ve done this walk many times before. I’ve cut through these streets. Back when I was part of the gang, I would come to his mansion to discuss business on a weekly basis. Now I’m coming to discuss the terms of my death. Funny how that happens to us mafia guys. We really have it made, don’t we?
Though it’s kind of a death march of sorts, I don’t feel as heavy as before. A certain weight has been lifted. No, instead, I feel comforted. I’m comforted by the thought that not everything has to go black. Not yet, at least. There’s more to my story.
I come to the gates of the mansion and I press the button on the black box. A voice comes out of the intercom: “State your business.”
“Get me Ricky,” I say without, flinching.
“Who’s speaking?” the man says.
“You know damn well who’s speaking,” I say, grinding my teeth with anger. “Now, get me Ricky or you just might find your head on a stick.”
The whole damn time I’m talking, I’m thinking about Bianca. Her smooth legs, those thick lips, her pussy wrapping around my cock perfectly… I need one last fuck. Why didn’t I fuck her twice? That’s the question I’ll be asking myself on the day of my execution. We’re born in this life because of sex and we die dreaming about sex. At least, I will.
“Very well,” the voice says back. The gates slowly open and I walk steadily on the gravel in front of me. Breathe slowly. Just breathe. I have to tell myself to do the most basic of all tasks because, the truth is, I’m starting to regret this decision of mine. I’m starting to think I should turn right back around and get Bianca. If we’re quick enough, we could make it to Montana. We could start a new life, on a ranch or something. I could wrangle horses and cows and she could tend to the farm. Everything would be perfect and we could raise eight beautiful children.