Always You

by Lizzie Morton

  They all relocated from Manhattan to Brooklyn together to start families. It was dead set their children would be friends from the get-go, and that’s exactly what happened. We grew up together, vacationed together, went to school together. Even when I moved away at eighteen to pursue my freelance photography career, they followed me wherever they could, and when we spend time apart, it means nothing. All we do is fall back into old ways.

  I smile to myself, as I look in the rearview mirror. Sophie is slumped against the window with her mouth open and Zoe has fallen forward with her head on her lap, a large spot of drool beginning to form. They may be a pain in the ass, but they’re mine and I wouldn’t change them.

  I spend the rest of the journey trying to clear up my plans for the summer in my mind. Keep my head down. Work while I stay in Brooklyn for a couple of months with my parents, rent free to save some cash. At the end of the summer decide which of the two career making positions I will choose. As it stands, I’m confused as fuck about everything. It’s going to take time to decide what path I want my future to take.

  There is one thing that’s clear as day. If I’m going to get through the coming months unscathed and with my sanity still intact, then I need to stay the hell away from Jake. Having him back in my life just for ten minutes has resulted in him occupying my mind far more than I would like to admit.

  Zoe grunts in the back, bringing me out of my train of thought. For now, it’s best to put the confusion to the back of my mind. Tonight, has been an emotional rollercoaster, and even though they both drive me insane, the two friends in the back of the car are the ones that have stuck with me no matter what; they are what matters. They’re the ones who didn’t leave or choose sides when Jake and I broke up like some did, and I need to remember that.

  ***

  After what feels like an eternity, I manage to drag Sophie and Zoe out of my parents’ car and up the two flights of stairs to my room. Somehow, we haven’t woken my parents in the process. Even if we had, it wouldn’t have been anything out of the ordinary for them; growing up this was a regular occurrence.

  When we’re finally settled, all I find myself doing is tossing and turning rather than giving in to sleep like my body craves. Exhaustion finally begins to take over, as the early morning rays of sunlight begin filtering through my blinds. As I finally feel my eyelids drooping and lulling me towards sleep, my cell buzzes again.

  ‘Seriously? You’ve got to be kidding me,’ I hiss at it. I’m aware it’s an inanimate object I’m talking to, and really all I need to do is turn it off completely if I stand any hope of getting sleep. But when I look at the screen, I see Michael’s name flashing at me relentlessly. Michael is my long-term boyfriend from back in Florida, who I somehow neglected to inform I arrived safely in Brooklyn. Really, he has every right to call, and I know he isn’t going to give up anytime soon.

  Letting out a sigh of defeat, I reach for my cell, answering reluctantly. ‘Hey you,’ I whisper. A pointless effort to be quiet and not wake the girls, as Michael’s voice returns, wailing down the line, ‘Abbbbbbyyyy beeee beeee beeee. Baby. I miss you, baby.’

  What is it with everyone getting wasted tonight? Getting wasted and preventing me from sleep, which is beginning to make me extremely grouchy.

  ‘Have you been drinking?’ I question, trying not to sound too fed up.

  ‘Only one, baby.’

  ‘Michael, it’s five am. Why would you still be up at this time if you only had one drink?’

  ‘I miss you so much, baby.’ I picture him in my mind, in our home back in Florida. Sat in our living area alone, running his hands through his hair in frustration, like he usually does when he’s drunk after a night out with the guys when we usually wind up having one of these conversations.

  ‘We’ve barely been apart twenty-four hours, get it together. It’s early, I’ve had no sleep, I’m tired and would like to get some rest.’ I hope he takes the hint and wraps the call up, but instead he chooses to focus on one of the minor details.

  ‘Why’ve you had no sleep? Is there another guy? Already, Abby?’ Surprise, surprise, we’re back going over one of Michael’s favorite conversations when he’s drunk. His insecurities regarding our relationship always rear their ugly head when alcohol is involved. Reluctantly I end up having the same conversations with him over and over, which frankly, is getting tiring.

  ‘You’re joking, right? I’m not having this conversation with you. It’s too early and I’m tired of telling you there isn’t anyone else. When are you going to trust me?’

  ‘Baby, you’re just so distant sometimes. I love you and it’s like you’re not all in like I am. Why do you think I’m wasted after you left?’

  ‘You’re going to blame your decision to get wasted, on me?’

  ‘Baby, I love you, I’m sorry.’

  ‘You need to stop calling me baby or I’m going to hang up on you.’

  ‘I miss you and I don’t understand why we need to spend the summer apart. Why wouldn’t you want to stay down here with me in our home, where we’ve made a life?’

  ‘You know why. There’s no work for me down there and there’s more opportunities here over the summer. We’ve had this conversation so many times.’

  ‘Will I be coming with you at the end?’

  I don’t hide my sigh. Harsh, but he won’t remember.

  ‘I don’t know if I’m taking either of the jobs yet. Even if I did, what would be the point in you coming? You’re going to leave your career behind, everything you’ve worked for your whole life, while I follow my dreams?’

  ‘Yeah, I would, Abby. That’s what couples who are in love do. They support each other in their decisions, and they make sacrifices for each other. I should go, I just wanted to hear your voice. I’ll try not to bother you while you’re away again,’ he mutters, disgruntled at my response.

  ‘I’m sorry. I’m just tired. I got a late call from Sophie and Zoe, hence the no sleep.’ I hope the small explanation as to my whereabouts this evening appeases his worries when he wakes up later. ‘I’ll speak to you soon when things have settled down.’ I know it’s a poor excuse to avoid speaking with him, especially when he’s so obviously hurting. But judging by how wasted he sounds; he won’t remember much of the conversation when he wakes up anyway.

  ‘I love you, Abby. Speak soon,’ His voice sounds hurt as he hangs up. Really as his long-term girlfriend I should feel guilty for making him feel this way, but instead I feel nothing and have yet to admit to myself why that is, even though deep down I know.

  Four

  6 years earlier

  I can’t believe he’s here, with me. I was sure he wouldn’t come and that this was all a big joke to show up poor, shy Abby who daren’t talk to anyone. Instead it’s the opposite, he’s here and he’s friendlier and more attentive than he was before.

  Over the past couple of months, we’ve only ever really chatted online or through our cells. Sophie introduced us on a chat site, as he goes to a different high school like some of the others in our group, but she met him through Sam. Even though we’ve met within the group before, I’ve always been a nervous wreck and never worked up the courage to properly say hi.

  It’s incredible, but in the short space of time we’ve been talking, I feel like I know him better than anyone, even though I’ve never had the confidence to be open with him in person. Most nights we chat online, laugh over video camera, and talk for hours. Those moments are everything and I feel like he knows and understands me, even more than Sophie and Zoe.

  I was sure when we first met, he liked Zoe; with her openly flirty and confident ways she always outshines everyone around her. Why would he prefer me, when I could barely open my mouth, barely look at him because I was so nervous?

  But now…he’s looking at me. It feels like I’ve overcome a hurdle, one I was too scared to jump over. Now that I’ve finally found the confidence to be with him in person, we’re moving forward. I’m not sure whether it’s as frie
nds or something more, but it feels amazing.

  We ran as quickly as we could to the nearest subway, but, typical of a fall downpour in New York, it only takes seconds for us to get soaked to the skin. Water droplets run down my face, clinging to my eyelashes, and smudging my makeup. I don’t care though; nothing could ruin this moment.

  As the subway sways steadily from side to side I tilt my head upwards to try and look at his face without him noticing. Instead I catch his eye and I can’t look away. I’ve wanted to know what it would be like to stare into those deep brown eyes for so long, but never thought I’d get the chance. And now, he’s here, just a few inches away and looking me directly in the eyes with a genuine smile on his face. It’s just like I imagined all those nights at home, dreaming what it would be like to be the center of his attention not just on the phone, but in person. Except now it’s real.

  He surprises me by leaning in slowly, our faces are millimeters apart and I swear my heart stops. Just for a moment I hold my breath waiting and hoping. But instead he moves closer to my ear and whispers, ‘This is our stop, Abby.’ Pulling away and moving quickly off the subway, he drags me with him.

  As we’re walking away, cutting through the crowds, he glances back over his shoulder at me with a knowing smirk on his face; a smirk that reveals he knew exactly how much I wanted him to kiss me.

  ***

  Present Day

  ‘Abby. Wake up, it’s lunch time.’ Somewhere in the distance, someone is talking and keeps shaking me. They keep doing it. Eventually it registers vaguely that it’s Sophie’s voice I can hear.

  I feel incredibly groggy, like I have the hangover from hell. Then it hits me where I am, and the hangover I’m feeling is in fact the exhaustion of dealing with Sophie, Zoe and Michael the night, (maybe I should say morning) before.

  Then I remember the dream I had, and a wave of nausea creeps over me. It’s been years since I’ve dreamt of Jake. This is not a good sign.

  ‘Hey, Abs, you ok? Your face is doing this weird scrunched up look, like you’re in pain, or taking a giant dump, or something.’ I choose to ignore Sophie’s indelicate comment. It’s her roundabout way of showing concern.

  ‘I had a dream about Jake…’

  ‘Oh? That would explain it. So, like a sexy one?’

  ‘Can we not focus on sex for a minute? I had a dream about Jake, Soph. It’s been six years since I had one, not that I was counting or anything. We see him last night and boom, off they go again. I’ve not even been back for twenty-four hours and already I’m on a downward, Jake-driven, spiral.’ Throwing myself back dramatically against my pillow, I look up at the ceiling trying to blink away the tears of frustration that are making my eyes burn.

  ‘You ok?’ Sophie asks meekly, knowing I’m anything but.

  ‘Not really. Why did you ask me to come and get you if there was a chance he would be there? I know you guys are all still friendly. Did you know he was gonna be there?’

  ‘No, I didn’t. You know I wouldn’t do that to you. I’m sorry I called. Zoe was wasted and needed help, and then I got wasted too. I didn’t mean for any of that to happen, I swear.’

  Without realizing our voices have raised, and Zoe, who was dead to the world moments ago begins to stir. Without opening her eyes, she mutters, ‘What the hell? Where am I? Why do I smell so bad? Please tell me I didn’t hook up with some randomer again. Please God when I open my eyes let me be alone.’

  One eye opens slightly into a slit, peering around the room until her gaze settles on Sophie and myself. She lets out a huge sigh of relief

  ‘Dramatic much?’ I say grumpily.

  ‘Thank you, God. Abby? You’re back? When?’

  ‘You don’t remember anything from last night, do you? You were absolutely wasted…again. I had to come and get you.’

  ‘So, I didn’t hook up with anyone?’ She asks hesitantly.

  ‘The only people you slept with are in this room.’

  Sophie snickers, ‘It was an eventful night. You outdid yourself, babe.’

  Groaning, Zoe rolls over, so her face is pressed down into the pillow, ‘What did I do?’

  I quickly summarize the events of the night, being extra careful not to leave out any of the drama and placing emphasis on how embarrassing the whole thing was. Particularly for me.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Abby. I swear I don’t mean to do these things to you.’ She’s visibly pale and puts her head in her hands. It’s clear she’s feeling guilty but I’m still raging inside. ‘Anyway, Jake’s back?’

  ‘Apparently so.’ Sophie responds. ‘And he chose last night to make his grand reappearance. So typical.’

  ‘Back?’ I ask, looking between them both, confused. ‘What do you mean back? Where has he been?’

  They seem reluctant to give me any more information, but I give them a pointed stare, making it clear I’m not amused they’re keeping something from me.

  ‘Are you sure you want to know this?’ Sophie asks. We’ve had an unspoken rule over the past six years, that anything related to Jake doesn’t get mentioned. Ever. Rather than sticking with my guns, I nod my confirmation, unable to find the ability to say yes. Shuffling back down the bed, Sophie gets herself comfy next to Zoe before beginning. ‘He’s been on tour… He formed a group with some of the guys a few years back. They started doing small gigs here and there and got a rep in the underground music scene. When they got some money behind them, they invested it in recording an album.’

  She pauses for a moment, trying to gauge my reaction, but I chose to give nothing away that would make her stop, so she continues. ‘They made a music video that Jake’s girlfriend helped put together, and it went viral on YouTube with like twenty million viewers or something ridiculous like that. With all the hype, they were approached by a bigger band and asked to support their tour along the West Coast, which is what they’ve been doing for the past three months.’

  Zoe chips in, ‘It finished this week, and they obviously hopped it straight back home. Word is a record company is interested. Like really interested. Abby are you listening?’

  I guess I look like I’ve zoned out, but that’s because all I can focus on is the one snippet of information, they gave away without realizing. My heart is racing and a distant ringing in my ears begins, as I feel the pressure of a migraine forming. ‘Jake has a girlfriend?’

  It’s completely irrational to feel this way. It’s been six years since we were together, and we were teenagers in high school; it was never going to go anywhere even if we had lasted longer. But still I feel physically sick at the thought of him with someone else. Jake was my first love, or maybe truer words would be that he was ‘the’ love. He was the first one to capture my heart and when he broke it, I never quite got it back. Well, I did, but some broken, mangled version of it, that’s been incapable of sharing those feelings with anyone else.

  I’ve put up many walls over the years, after the train wreck that was our breakup. Mainly to block out the memories of being with him and how he made me feel. A therapist would say I’ve been sticking my head in the sand and delaying the inevitable feelings of hurt that will come when I finally face up to what happened. Basically, it’s all going to come back and bite me in the ass.

  ‘I’m gonna sound like a bitch here,’ says Zoe, ‘but you can’t act shocked. He has a life, and with that comes a girlfriend. We’re all different to what we were in high school, even you. We’ve grown up.’ Sophie snorts at the irony of Zoe’s last statement, which she chooses to ignore and continues. ‘People change. You have. And what about Michael? It’s been four years since you met him, I thought you guys were doing great?’

  The mention of Michael grounds me enough, that I’m able to respond. ‘They were…I mean are. I don’t know. I thought I was doing great and finally moving on, but then I bump into Jake and bam! All those memories come flooding back.’

  Sophie leans over and rubs my arm reassuringly. ‘We get it. I mean I bump into exes and it’s always ha
rd. There are some that get under your skin and you can’t get rid of them. It feels like sometimes there’s no closure…’ Sophie trails off looking distant, as if she’s being drawn into her own memories of heartbreak. She quickly snaps out of it and snaps at Zoe, ‘Seriously, stop rolling your eyes at me. Just because you’re a cold-hearted bitch towards anything with a penis.’

  ‘I’m not cold-hearted. I just see them in a practical light, and I’m capable of having good sex without all the emotional attachment crap.’

  The truth is Sophie and Zoe are opposites when it comes to guys. Sophie has always been a big softie who wears her heart on her sleeve. Then there’s Zoe. Sophie pretty much summed it up, she’s hard as nails and uses guys for one thing, sex. Anything else she claims is a waste of time and energy. Sometimes I think she has a point.

  ‘Which is also not healthy,’ Sophie retorts. ‘There’s just something about your first…’

  ‘Not that I would know with Jake…’ I say. ‘We never even got that far and still look at the state of me. Imagine if we had...’ I face plant the duvet in frustration.

  Sophie chuckles, ‘Stop imagining Jake naked. And things aren’t gonna get any easier talking about him constantly. I vote we get more rest because I could sleep for years. Let’s properly catch up in a few more hours, when we don’t feel like part of a train wreck.’

  Zoe needs little persuasion, ‘I’m down for that,’ and she snuggles back down to sleep.

  ‘I guess more sleep sounds good.’ I agree, realizing how tired I still am. ‘Although you are the one that woke me up in the first place.’

  ‘Things will seem better when we wake up later. I promise,’ Sophie rolls over to her side of the bed, dropping off instantly.

  I doubt things will feel miraculously better just from sleep. That’s not how my brain works when it comes to anything Jake related. There’s a reason I’ve stayed away for so long, but I don’t say this out loud.