Always You

by Lizzie Morton

  My cell starts buzzing with Sam’s name on the screen and a ridiculous picture he must have taken when he saved his number. Even though I’m running late getting ready, I quickly answer.

  I’m greeted with his warm voice, ‘Hey, Abs, you coming tonight?’

  ‘Of course.’ Halfway through drawing on eyeliner with my cell balanced between my shoulder and ear, my response sounds blunt and off, but I’m too busy concentrating at the task in hand.

  Sam picks up on my tone, misreading it, ‘We good?’

  ‘Why wouldn’t we be?’ Placing my eyeliner down so I can focus on the conversation, I lighten my tone.

  ‘I dunno. The other day was a bit weird, seeing you and Shaun so close.’

  Letting out a sigh, I respond. ‘We work together, Sam.’

  ‘I know, but it looked like more.’ He sounds more than unhappy.

  ‘Believe me it wasn’t. I have a boyfriend.’ I don’t know why I keep having to remind everyone of this.

  ‘Yeah?’ If he sounded unhappy before, he sounds pained now, but I’ve no idea why. Sam and I have a small bit of history, but it was tiny and insignificant. Especially to him.

  ‘Like four years yeah. Soph and Zoe never mentioned it?’

  ‘Shit, that’s a long time,’ he sounds resigned, but I don’t understand why. I would have expected my friend to be happy for me, but it’s seemingly the opposite.

  Choosing not to leave another question unanswered and another thing to dwell on, I ask, ‘Is that a bad thing?’

  ‘For some yes…’

  ‘What do you mean for some? Who would it be bad for?’ I’m getting snappy as I become agitated by his cryptic answers.

  ‘Never mind. It’s me being weird. So, can we hang out tonight without any drama? I’ve missed you, Abs.’ Any suspicions I have regarding his answer, I choose to ignore; it could all be in my head.

  ‘Yes, to hanging out. Is it enough if I say I’ll try my best with the no drama?’

  ‘I guess it will do,’ I can hear his smile down the line, and I involuntarily smile back. Sam has that effect on people, his positive attitude and love of life can be infectious.

  We agree to meet at Riffs in the next hour and hanging up I realize I barely have time to finish getting ready. Luckily, I’m not one for high maintenance routines; as I’ve gotten older, I’ve begun to care less about what people think, so I often go for looking acceptable over making too much effort.

  I avoid washing my hair and instead add some gentle waves with a quiff at the front to keep it out of my face. The copper highlights in my dark brown hair catch the light perfectly. I opt for some cut-off denim shorts, a black tank top and my converse. The past few days have been sweltering, and I refuse to be uncomfortable for the sake of fashion. Luckily, Riffs isn’t that sort of place.

  When I’m happy with what I see in the mirror, I make a move to leave, but when I catch my dad’s reflection it stops me in my tracks.

  ‘Hey, everything ok?’ I ask.

  ‘I just thought I’d catch you quickly. We’ve not seen much of you this week. Has work been good?’

  ‘Yep, great. I’ve had positive feedback with the photos, and the bar is great. Besides that, I’ve, just been catching up with people, the usual. I’m actually off to Riffs now with the group to see a new band.’

  ‘Ok… just be careful.’

  I forgot that living under your parents’ roof also came with their constant worry over what you’re doing and where you are. Not that it ever goes away no matter where you are but it’s usually less obvious.

  ‘Come on, Dad. I’ve lived on my own for six years. I’ll be perfectly safe at a small gig.’ I state the obvious, but know what he’s getting at, the hidden meaning behind his words. I’m merely choosing to not acknowledge it.

  He frowns, ‘That’s not what I’m talking about and you know it.’

  ‘Why don’t you clear it up for me, because I’m not a mind reader,’ I hate the tone I’ve taken with him and that it’s verging on rude, but I know we’re about to have a conversation about Jake, and it’s bringing out the worst in me.

  ‘Watch your tone. You might be older but that doesn’t mean you get to speak to your father like that.’ His eyes look hurt. It’s not often we have disagreements but any we have had, are always Jake related.

  ‘Sorry. I’m taking things out on you. Everyone keeps making these cryptic comments and I don’t really know what’s going on. It’s frustrating.’ I look away, taking deep breaths.

  ‘I don’t suppose they’re trying to warn you off Jake?’

  ‘Sometimes it feels like the opposite. Anyway, I have a boyfriend, and it’s been six years, all that stuff between us is in the past.’ I want the last part to sound convincing, but if I can’t convince myself my feelings for Jake are in the past, how am I supposed to convince anyone else?

  ‘Does Jake know that you have a boyfriend?’

  ‘What does it matter? We’ve both moved on. Yes, I might bump into him but it’s fine, we’ll just get on with it and hopefully get through the summer without any major drama.’ My little speech isn’t just to convince dad, it’s to keep reminding myself what the game plan is.

  ‘Just be careful, I don’t want to see you getting hurt again.’ He looks almost sad and I know he’s remembering the first time.

  ‘Honestly, I’ll be fine. We pretty much hate each other.’

  ‘Jake could never hate you.’

  ‘Funny, it seemed like he did when we broke up. His face looks like he can’t even stand to be in the same room as me, so I’d say otherwise.’

  ‘Maybe he’s had his reasons?’

  Again, with the mixed messages.

  I narrow my eyes suspiciously. ‘Are you trying to make me stay away from him, or fight his corner right now?’

  ‘It doesn’t matter. I know you’re in a rush, but I did want to talk to you about Jake, before we even got onto that topic. I needed you to hear it from me before anyone else says anything. The label has decided to sign his band, imminently.’

  As hard as it is, I manage to contain my emotions and rather than getting agitated, I focus on putting his mind at ease. He obviously feels guilty for his connection to Jake, but it’s also important for the band and their success, that I don’t let the past become a problem. ‘Don’t worry, it’s ok. I’m glad you told me though. Like I keep saying, you don’t have anything to worry about. When it comes to me and Jake, the past is in the past.’ I paste on the most convincing smile I can muster.

  ‘I don’t want to keep going on. Just remember, you’re here for one summer, so trust your gut. You’re both going places, don’t let things get in the way of that.’

  ‘I won’t, Daddy, I promise. It’s good being home again.’ I avoid saying anything else and stand on my tiptoes to place a kiss on his cheek.

  He kisses me on the head in return. ‘It’s good having you home, we’ve missed you. Have fun tonight. Let your hair down, you’ve been working too hard.’

  Alone again in my room, there are far too many questions floating in my mind. I glance at the clock on my bedside table, cursing. I’m going to have to run in this heat to make sure I get to the gig on time. Basically, I’m going to be a sweaty mess.

  Just as I’m sprinting down the stairs, I fly past my mom, who like dad I’ve barely seen.

  ‘You look nice, honey.’

  ‘Thanks, Mom. Sorry, I’m already running late to meet everyone. Can I catch you later?’

  ‘Sure, don’t worry about it. Have a great night.’

  ‘Thanks, I’ll try,’ I say, letting out a deep breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous at the thought of bumping into Jake again. Really, we need to get over it and find a way to be around each other amicably. Maybe tonight can be the start of that.

  Pulling on my big girl panties and making my way to Riffs like I don’t have a care in the world, I decide that maybe in the process of convincing everyone else I’m f
ine, I can convince myself.

  Nine

  The sun is beginning to set, and dusk setting in when I arrive at Riffs, adding a blue hue to the city, and the light pouring from the bars seems to pop more than usual making them appear even more inviting. The heat of the day has yet to subside and there’s a buzz in the air igniting my senses. The smells, the light, the atmosphere; tonight, everything feels alive and different.

  Stepping inside, I scan the room for the group, but don’t have to look far despite it being busy, as I can clearly see Sophie and Zoe standing at the main bar with Sam.

  ‘Abby, over here!’ Sophie shouts excitedly at the top of her voice, attracting attention from a few people surrounding her.

  ‘I do have eyes that work, you don’t need to screech at the top of your voice.’ I snap when I eventually manage to maneuver my way through the tightly packed crowd.

  ‘I can’t help it. I’m so excited we’re all back together again. This is the group’s first night out in like forever.’ Her voice gets gradually louder as she speaks. Even though she’s only pint sized, she can reach unexpected volumes. As she bounces up and down on her feet, it’s like watching a pixie that’s high.

  I roll my eyes and look back to Sam asking, ‘What are we drinking?’

  ‘Shots,’ shouts Zoe in my ear.

  I wince, rubbing it and flash her an annoyed look. ‘Thanks for that. I’m not having shots I haven’t started drinking yet.’

  ‘Which is exactly why shots are a good idea.’

  ‘Seriously. I’m not playing babysitter again tonight. How much have you had already?’ Casting a judgmental eye over her, it’s clear she hasn’t had anywhere near her usual intake, but after the puking incident last week, I’d rather stay vigilant.

  ‘Not enough, you bore. You need to get drinking like now.’

  ‘Laaaaydeeees,’ interrupts Sam hooking an arm around each of our shoulders. ‘No drama. Abby, you need to get a drink down you and chill the fuck out. Zoe you need water. We’re here to see a band, not go home in the next half hour.’

  Grumbling Zoe turns away, ignoring Sam’s comment and instead choosing to chat with Sophie. They both throw me a look that says I’m shitting on their parade. Whatever, they’ll forget about it after the next drink.

  As we go to order Sam asks, ‘Beer? Tell me you haven’t become a wine bitch while you’ve been away?’

  ‘I’ll take the biggest beer they’ve got,’ I reply with a smug smile.

  ‘That’s my girl.’ With the arm that’s still looped round my shoulders, he pulls me in close, murmuring into my hair, ‘Good to have you back, Abs.’

  ‘It’s good to be back, Sammy.’ I smile up at him with the familiarity only old friends have, and then Sam rings my order in at the bar. It’s getting busier but thanks to working the bar and being the owners’ friend and brother, we don’t have to wait long, then we make our way outside for the gig, meeting with everyone else.

  The outdoor area has undergone a complete transformation. The tables which are usually scattered around, have been moved to the perimeter, providing room for standing in front of the stage. Overhead are thousands of fairy lights which create an ambient glow against the dusky sky, and lush greenery that decorates the area. Despite the area being large and full of people, it feels intimate, and chills run down my spine with excitement for the evening to come.

  There are a few people I don’t recognize when we join the group, and I gather they must have joined ranks whilst I’ve been gone over the years. I do recognize Zach though, Jake’s best friend who I met during my first visit to the bar. I expect some sort of animosity, but like the first time I met him, he offers me a friendly smile instead. I smile back, mouthing ‘Hi’ at him, concluding he’s a genuinely nice guy.

  Taking a large swig of the beer Sam ordered, I choke as the taste fills my mouth. ‘Shit, Sam, how strong is this?’ I splutter. Rather than the refreshing beer I wanted; he’s handed me the strongest one he could buy.

  ‘We told you to catch up,’ he laughs with no remorse. ‘Plus, it saves you having to go back for a while. Don’t want to miss the band.’

  ‘With this I don’t think I’ll need to go back for the rest of the night.’ I wince as I take another small sip and it burns going down my throat.

  Zoe chips in, ‘Seriously? What’ve you been doing while you’ve been away? You’re out of practice and no fun, you need to let your hair down for once.’

  ‘She’s right you know,’ agrees Sam. He looks slightly apprehensive as though my reaction might be to fly off the wall at him. Normally his instinct would serve him correct, but there’s already a buzz in my system from the small amount I’ve drank, and any fight in me has gone.

  ‘I guess I have been working a lot,’ a deflated feeling takes over. They may be on to something. It’s been a long time since I really let myself go and enjoyed life without worrying about the consequences it would have on my future. There’s a small part of me wanting to let go and not care about everything so much; just be carefree.

  ‘Let’s change that while you’re here,’ says Sophie drawing me in for a hug happily. ‘We need to make sure we have the best summer yet.’ Like my first night in Brooklyn, she’s bouncing around, and raises her drink in the air causing some of it to slosh over the sides of the glass. ‘Come on, guys, let’s do a toast to the best summer!’ Everyone joins in and starts downing their drinks. Not wanting to be a party pooper, I join in the best I can, downing as much as possible, despite how strong it is.

  Sam points out my poor attempt. ‘You can do better than that, Abs.’

  I playfully punch him in the arm. ‘If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were trying to get me drunk.’

  He leans in, whispering in my ear, ‘That’s because I am.’

  ‘Haha very funny, you can stop now.’ Tuning away, I catch Sophie and Zoe watching us with amused expressions. ‘What?’

  ‘Are you two going to stop flirting so we can watch the gig?’ Grabbing my arm, Zoe laughs and leads the way towards the stage, maneuvering us swiftly through the crowd. We spend the rest of the time before the band comes on stage laughing and joking, buzzing with excitement. At one point the guys move away to grab more drinks, quickly returning before the gig begins. Thankfully my second drink isn’t anywhere near as strong as the first.

  The crowd roars in appreciation, as the opening notes from the band ring through the air. They’re modern rock, the same genre we used to listen to when we were younger. Being here tonight is both refreshing and nostalgic; it feels good to be back to my old ways, letting go and enjoying life.

  As the tracks go on, the night gets darker but warmer. As the crowd presses in around us I can feel my hair beginning to stick to the back of my neck, so I gather it up, sweeping it over one shoulder. The band plays one of their popular songs and the crowd sways from side to side to the opening riffs. I can’t help getting caught up in the moment, swaying with them, closing my eyes and completely engaging with the song.

  The words ring out for everyone to hear. A story about a girl captivating a guy, giving him everything she has, following him and trying to help him be the best version of himself. The story reaches to me, draws me in, and leaves me feeling breathless, as it hits a nerve. I stay standing with my eyes closed, listening to the words, and a sudden feeling of awareness washes over me, as goosebumps cover my body.

  Reacting to the signal my body is giving, I open my eyes, turning to speak to Sophie, but instead bumping straight into a broad, firm chest. I look up, straight into Jake’s eyes. It takes a few moments to gather my bearings, thanks to a mixture of the strong alcohol Sam has been ploughing me with, and Jakes’ sudden proximity. Blinking a few times, I realize I’m still staring straight into his eyes, as he stares back down at me with an intensity that takes my breath away.

  Feeling disorientated, I stumble back, but Jake catches me quickly, steadying me with his hands firmly on my hips. His eyes never leave my face, and as hard as I tr
y to fight the urge to look at him, mine betray me. Despite his serious expression, with the soft glow from the lights above and the slight sheen of sweat from the heat, all I can think is how beautiful he looks; the masculine beauty that makes every woman give him a second, longing glance.

  As I allow my eyes to meet with his, my body trembles ever so slightly. I’m sure he can feel it, thanks to his hands still planted firmly on my hips, his fingers digging in. I will myself to move, or at the very least look away, but I can’t. I’m desperate to take in more of the face staring back at me, in some ways so familiar, but in others, that of a stranger. He’s older and manlier. The scruff on his jaw is new and draws my attention to his mouth, where my gaze lingers. Licking my lips in anticipation, I’ve never wanted to kiss anyone as much as I do right now, but the thought of losing complete control with Jake terrifies me.

  I’m not sure how long we stand staring at each other, but the moment is broken when Zach taps abruptly on Jake’s shoulder. Looking between the two of us he seems wary, and it’s the first time he’s been anything but open and friendly towards me. He murmurs something in Jake’s ear, which gauges a reaction, causing Jake to pull away suddenly.

  The sudden absence leaves me feeling embarrassed, but the rest of the group are too engrossed with the band. No one apart from Zach has noticed the moment that Jake and I just shared. There is a riot of emotions coursing through me, but mainly frustration. Frustration that despite telling everyone, as well as myself, that this summer would be fine and there was no need to worry, it’s only taken us seeing each other twice, for my willpower to suffer.

  A war is waging internally as I try to rationalize the situation. Maybe I misread the moment, and maybe thanks to the mix of alcohol and heat, my imagination is running away with itself. Really, Jake was only helping to steady me, thanks to the crowd around us making me almost fall. And that look I mistook for lust, was obviously confusion. I was after all rooted to the spot, staring at him like a lunatic. A simple explanation. One that makes me look like a fool.

  My cell buzzes in my pocket, snapping me out of my spiraling thoughts. Michael’s name flashes on the screen, and the realization I haven’t given my boyfriend a second thought for the past week causes guilt to hit me in the gut. Even though I’ve been avoiding contact with him, all I want now is to hear his voice, to have something familiar and solid both ground and comfort me, after Jake has caused things to feel suddenly so unsettled.