‘Fuck, Zoe, what the hell did you buy?’ I barely manage to wheeze out, as the burn in my throat is strong.
‘Teeeeeqqqquuuuuilllllaaa,’ she shouts with a grin, proud of herself.
‘We need girls’ night more often,’ giggles Sophie. ‘That woman’s face every time you said vagina.’ She begins howling with laughter, as Zoe chants, ‘vagina, vagina, vagina,’ getting louder each time. If I thought we wouldn’t draw attention here, I was wrong. I can feel the alcohol kicking in though, and rather than telling them to shut the hell up, I join in, giggling and forgetting how immature they’re being.
‘How did we even get onto the conversation of why I need to wax my vagina?’ Amidst the slight alcohol fog, I remember there was something Zoe wanted to speak about.
‘Oh, I forgot to tell you,’ says Zoe excitedly, then screeches the last part. ‘Group road trip!’
‘Group road trip? When? I can’t just drop everything. I have to work you know.’
‘No, you don’t. It’s three nights and it’s two weeks before the 4th July. Shaun said the bar is ridiculously quiet as everyone saves their energy for the big day. He said you can have the time off and even he’s coming. Plus, we checked with your parents and they said your diary is free, so just don’t book anything else in.’
‘My parents knew about this, but I didn’t?’
‘We wanted to keep it a surprise and tell you closer to the time. We knew you would say no otherwise and find a way out of it,’ murmurs Sophie into her drink, refusing to look me in the eye.
‘So, when do we go?’ I’ve resigned to going already as there’s no way I’m getting out of it. ‘Also, where are we going?’
‘Day after tomorrow, three nights, bright and early, leaving at 5. We’re tag teaming the carpool as it’s a long drive to Lake Placid.’ Sophie’s the one to clear up the minor details as Zoe is beginning to lose interest now the surprise is over with.
‘So, we’re basically going to Canada?’ I ask, raising my eyebrows.
‘Not really. We’re still in New York the state, just not the city. Come on, Abby, it’s so beautiful. The group’s been doing it the past few years, and we knew we had to take you there this year.’
It’s completely unreasonable, as I’m the one that’s been working away all these years refusing to come home, but I feel rather dejected at the news. I guess I feel sad I’ve missed out on so many memories with the group, but I reason with myself there is one way to fix that. I’m going on the trip and making sure I don’t miss out on this year’s memories.
One thing bugs me. They haven’t clarified who exactly is going on the trip, and really, it’s an important detail. ‘Who’s we by the way?’
‘Well...’ Zoe, quickly reels off a list of names. ‘There’s me, you and Soph obviously. Shaun, Sam, Zach, Jake and Amanda.’ The last two names come particularly fast. Clearly, she’s hoping to get them by, without me realizing. The effort is pointless though, as my Jake radar is in full force. I dislike that his name has been tagged on the end with Amanda. It’s a name I don’t recognize, and it makes me feel uneasy.
‘Who’s Amanda?’ I follow the question with a large gulp of my drink. I’m not sure why I asked when deep down I know the answer.
‘Erm…’ Sophie volunteers herself as the one to give me the answer. ‘She’s Jake’s girlfriend. She’s been coming for the past couple of years they’ve been together. We weren’t sure if she would this year as she’s been away with work, but she got back last night and said she’s game. I think you’d really like her if you let yourself. She’s nice, and you’re both similar in ways and totally have stuff in common.’
‘Things like Jake.’ I say bitterly, wondering how on earth they expect me to make friends with the person who has everything I ever wanted. The person who got what I couldn’t have.
‘Come on, Abs,’ urges Zoe. ‘You have Michael. You’ve been telling us all you’ve moved on, so what’s the big deal?’
It’s possible the alcohol is taking over, as I didn’t plan on anyone knowing this, (anyone apart from Zach) but I find myself saying, ‘Jake and I had a weird sort of moment.’
‘What sort of weird moment?’ Zoe snaps, not a fan of the news.
‘The night we went to the gig. I sort of bumped into him and we had a moment.’
‘How did we miss this? Did you kiss?’ Sophie asks also not looking impressed.
I’m beginning to get agitated at their reaction, and trying to keep my anger in check, but I struggle to keep my tone neutral. ‘Of course, we didn’t. I’m with Michael. I would never do that to him. You guys know I would never cheat.’
‘With anyone else, this is Jake though.’ Sophie’s face is full of concern, making me feel worse than I did before. ‘We remember how bad it was. We were there, remember? He’s changed, Abby, and he’s not the same guy. He’s grown up and it’d be easy to get drawn back in.’
‘I’m not getting drawn back into anything, I promise. It was just a look. A slightly heated, get your panties wet kind of look, but that’s all.’
Another sigh comes from Zoe, and it feels like our roles have been reversed. ‘We get it. We just don’t want to see you get hurt. He was your everything, and when all that went down, you were broken. You’ve never been the same since and I can’t see you go through that again. Even I agree with Sophie though. He’s changed, and I don’t think he would do that to you again.’
‘He wouldn’t do anything because he has a girlfriend and I have a boyfriend. He’s not interested. He broke up with me remember….’ Zoe’s answer is confusing things. Between them, they seem to be forgetting what happened between Jake and me, even though they’re saying otherwise.
‘You’re both attached. Yes,’ says Sophie. ‘But the history between you guys is massive. Stuff like that just doesn’t go away. Plus, Zach’s been asking things since you’ve been back. He’s definitely been digging.’
‘What do you think he’s digging for?’
‘I’m not sure. He’s just been asking whether you’ve mentioned Jake much. Maybe they’ve been speaking about you. Fuck. I don’t know. Seriously, this is stressing me out. I need another drink.’ She stands up abruptly and walks to the bar. Seeing Sophie stressed is concerning as it’s completely out of character. Her and Zoe don’t get stressed about anything.
As I watch Sophie stomp off, Zoe rubs my shoulder reassuringly. ‘Don’t feel bad. She always gets emotional about the, you and Jake stuff. She hates seeing you hurting.’
‘Who said I was hurting?’
‘Maybe you’re not hurting, but this is going to affect you somehow. If you guys had a moment, it means something is still there.’
I get what she’s saying, and there’s truth there, but I’m in no place to begin acknowledging what it might mean, so instead I go for my favorite thing. Denial. ‘Nothing’s there. We hate each other like we have for years, so everything’s fine. Let’s forget I mentioned anything.’
‘If you’re sure?’ She seems uncertain, and really there is so much left unsaid about how I really feel seeing Jake again. Then there’s the state of mine and Michael’s relationship and even my career.
Rather than facing up to any of these things, returning to Brooklyn has become an excellent way to ignore my problems and the decisions I need to make. ‘I’m sure.’ I end the conversation, with perfect timing as Sophie returns from the bar carrying another round of drinks for us all.
‘I’m better now.’ She’s relaxed considerably since going to the bar, and I wonder whether she managed to sneak in an extra drink to chill her out, before coming back. ‘So, we leave early Tuesday morning. Have your game face on because we are going to have so much fun. You will be nice to Amanda, even if it kills you.’ The last part is a little aggressive, but I’m proud of her for standing her ground instead of it being Zoe.
‘Great.’ I take my drink and knock the whole thing back in one. ‘Can’t wait. Wooo, Lake Placid!’ The cheering motion may have been a bit over
enthusiastic, as they both roll their eyes. The rest of the night passes without any mention of Jake.
Twelve
Not that I’d ever mention it to Sophie and Zoe, but I’ve always wanted to go to Lake Placid. Knowing they’ve been doing it these past few years without me brings out some jealousy, but I stomp it down quickly as it’s completely irrational. Instead, I focus on being excited about a break away with the group.
After girls’ night, and a full day of work, there’s been no time to pack, but hopefully it won’t take too long later. I’ve managed to bag a later shift at the bar, the positive being that time passes quickly, leaving me with less opportunities to dwell on the potential disaster this trip could be.
Ploughing my way through my end of shift jobs, I place my cell on one of the shelves in the stockroom with a random playlist ringing out. I get to work on the final job, restocking the bar. Quickly zoning out with the music playing in the background, I end up getting lost in the task at hand. There’s no one around to laugh, so I dance around, grabbing bottles off the shelves and placing them into the crates, ready to be carried out front.
A throat clears behind me. Spinning around in shock, I trip over one of the crates, falling back into the shelves, causing multiple bottles to tumble down. One hits me in the head. Others rain down on various body parts and, believe me, it seriously fucking hurts. By some miracle none of them smash but I’ve taken the full brunt and am going to have a few bruises to show tomorrow. Great.
‘Shit. Abby, are you ok?’
My humiliation is complete. Jake!
Internally I groan. Scrap that, externally I groan, and bang my already banged up head back against a shelf. I close my eyes and pray that when I open them again Jake will have disappeared, his appearance merely a figment of my near-death experience. Luck is not on my side. When I open them, he’s still there looking at me and I’m nowhere near death.
He looks even more gorgeous. Shit. A pair of tight-fitting black jeans, a white t-shirt and leather jacket. Without his tattoos showing, he looks more like the Jake I remember, and my heart flutters. As I’ve been ogling, I’ve completely ignored him speaking to me.
‘Did you hit your head that hard? Can you hear me? Should I call for help?’
Three questions in a row. Is he for real? ‘Jake, just shush for a second.’
I try to gather my bearings. Maybe the bottles did more damage than I care to admit, or maybe it’s being alone in a storeroom with Jake. I don’t know where to look, but I can’t keep sitting on the floor like an idiot, not saying anything, as it’s making the whole situation worse.
‘Shaun isn’t here. When I finally find my voice, this is all I can come up with.
‘I know, I’ve already seen him.’ Jake replies with a look of amusement on his face.
‘Right. So why are you back here?’
‘I came to see you,’ he shrugs, shoving his hands into his jean pockets as if he’s suddenly uncertain about what he came to say.
‘Why?’
‘Sophie and Zoe mentioned that you’d agreed to come on the trip. I figured things haven’t exactly been friendly between us and thought maybe we could clear the air?’
‘Right.’ I wonder if he’s noticed that one-word answers have become my forte.
‘Erm. Yeah, right. So, how’ve you been?’ Never, in the time I’ve known Jake have I seen him nervous, but as he’s talking, he rubs the back of his neck with one of his hands in a nervous gesture. Why, after all this time, would he be nervous around me, and what does he have to be nervous about? He’s not the one constantly making a fool of himself,
‘I’ve been fine, just the usual, working…’
‘Yeah, the girls mentioned you’re working a lot. Your Dad too.’
‘I’ve had some good projects since I’ve been back. A lot of work locally. It’s been good.’ I wonder if he thinks I’m being rude that I haven’t asked how he’s getting on himself, but why should I care what he thinks.
When I finally look up at him properly, he’s smiling. ‘Yeah, so. I’m still sat on the floor like an idiot. It seems to be my favorite place when I see you.’ It’s my turn to be nervous and I’m rambling.
‘Don’t be an idiot, both times haven’t even been your fault. It’s great that you’re doing so well. Seriously, Abs, finding your feet here again straight away, you’re doing amazing.’ He extends his hand to help me to my feet. He’s staring at me intensely, like he did when we were at the gig, and my heart begins pounding hard at his use of ‘Abs’, but this time I won’t get caught up in the moment. I don’t have alcohol clouding my judgement, so it’s easy to put up the walls needed, but with that comes my inner bitch in full force. I ignore his hand and struggle to my feet.
‘Thank you very much for the compliment, but in case you haven’t noticed, you’re not my favorite person. You didn’t need to bother coming all this way to say all that.’
His expression instantly changes from intense, to aggravated by what I’ve said. There’s some sadness there too, which is maybe why he tries one last time asking, ‘Can we not just be friends, Abby?’
‘Now you want to be friends. That would have been great six years ago. You know when you broke my heart and left me alone. You even isolated me from some of my friends, but it seems like you’ve forgotten all that.’
‘I’m sorry,’ he says exasperated. ‘There were things going on at the time that we both had no control of. I didn’t mean to hurt you like I did, but it’s been a long time and we’ve both changed.’
‘Yeah, we have. I don’t accept bullshit as easily as I used to, Jake.’
‘It’s not bullshit. I’m trying to clear the air between us. You’re here for a couple of months and we’re all going away on this trip together. The group is tighter than when you left, so we’re gonna be around each other a lot, and I thought it would be unfair to put everyone through our old crap...again.’
‘Are you kidding me? The last few times we’ve bumped into each other, I’m not the one who’s had a chip on my shoulder.’ I’m beginning to get seriously riled up. Even though I keep telling myself to calm down, I can’t help the reaction I’m having; it’s always been completely irrational and out of my control when it comes to him.
His stance softens slightly. Maybe he realizes I’m right, and the animosity between us isn’t just one sided. He’s had his own part to play in why things are so awkward. ‘It’s my bad. I knew you were coming back, and I tried to get my head around the fact that we’d see each other. I didn’t realize how difficult it would be. It’s not easy being around you again, Abs.’
‘Why? I’m hardly a gremlin. I’ve barely said a word to you,’ I snap.
‘That’s not it…’ He sighs.
‘Then what is?’
‘I’m not quite sure what the answer is.’ He looks vulnerable, but the torment he put me through is still there and I refuse to back down.
‘Then neither am I. I’m not a mind reader, Jake.’
‘Can we start again? Pretend the last few meetings haven’t happened? Or press pause and skip forward to the bit where we finally get along. If it doesn’t work, then we go back to ignoring each other.’ He rubs his neck again nervously, causing his shirt to rise slightly, revealing toned abs that weren’t there six years ago. My eyes do a quick perusal, taking in how much he’s filled out since we were together, his arms are muscular, and his chest has broadened. It’s mesmerizing watching it rise and fall rapidly as he watches me take him all in. Frustratingly, I can’t take my eyes off him, and would happily stand staring at his body for the rest of the night, but he awkwardly clears his throat.
He sounds slightly breathless as if he’s equally as affected by the moment as I am, ‘You ok?’
My cheeks burn red hot as I snap myself away from gawking at his body. ‘Yep! Zoned out for a moment there. I must be concussed from those bottles to the head.’ Internally, I cringe at how loud and chipper I’m being.
‘Okay.’ He has his kno
wing smirk on his face, and this time it’s his eyes that trail down my body. This is getting seriously out of hand. We’re both in relationships. He has a girlfriend I’m about to spend two days in proximity with, and here we are taking our fill of each other. What the fuck is wrong with me?
‘I should probably get back out there. Shaun will be wondering where I’ve got to, and I need to finish up and get home to pack.’
‘Are we at least a little bit cool? Cool enough to try and get along for the benefit of the group?’
‘I guess so.’ Shrugging I step to the side, trying to create some much-needed distance between us. I pick up a crate and make my way to leave the storeroom.
‘Thanks.’ He says quietly to my retreating form.
‘Oh, and, Jake…’ I look back, over my shoulder at him when I reach the door. There’s something from this encounter that’s unsettling me.
‘Yeah?’
‘Don’t call me, Abs. You don’t get to call me that.’ I turn and walk out the door quickly, hearing him sigh behind me. There are a lot of things muddled in my mind right now, but what’s very clear is Jake and I cannot be alone together again.
Thirteen
‘Road trip, baby!’ Zoe bangs her palms against the steering wheel in a drum roll. ‘Seriously guys, this is going to be the best Placid trip yet!’
‘I know!’ Squeals Sophie from the back, leaning over the passenger seat where I’m sat and grasping me in a bear hug from behind. ‘I can’t believe we’re finally getting to do this with you. You’re going to love it out there. Have you brought your camera?’
I laugh at the stupidity of her question. ‘Do you even know me?’
‘Of course. Silly me.’ She rolls her eyes, settling back into her seat.
‘Let’s get going. We’ve got a long ass trip ahead of us.’ Zoe hits the gas, pulling onto my parents’ street, which is deserted at 4.30am. My body is protesting at being up at this hour after so little sleep. There was also the conversation with Jake replaying over in my mind. I spent the night going over every detail, trying to understand why he said it was hard to be around me. Am I really such awful company? Am I repulsive to him on some level? Or am I misinterpreting things again?
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