‘Get a room!’ Sam shouts from further down the boat, and the rest of the group begin hollering.
Letting out a frustrated sigh, my head is hanging forward as I shake it. Jake leans forward too, covering my body even more with his, as he says into my ear, ‘I’m tired of waiting, Abs. I’m warning you now, I’m gonna kiss you soon and nothing is going to stop me.’
Nineteen
The following afternoon I’m walking along one of the Manhattan sidewalks. The sun is high and beating down, so I take my pace steady, not wanting to sweat any more than I already am. Saying I’m nervous would be an understatement, but it’s not just nerves that are racing through my system. It’s guilt that’s causing my stomach to twist and ache. Guilt that Michael is back in Florida excited for our future together, when I am anything but.
As if he has a radar that alerts him when I’m thinking about him, my cell rings with an incoming call from him. It’s like the universe telling me, as I’m on my way to meet Jake, that what we’re doing is wrong. The guilt gnaws away, and although I’d normally divert the call to a time when I’m less busy, I find myself answering.
‘Hey, you ok?’
‘I’m fine, are you busy?’ We’ve spoken so little since I left Florida that his voice is beginning to sound unfamiliar.
‘I’m just meeting with a friend for coffee.’
‘Oh? Which friend?’
‘One of the guys from our old group back in high school. We’re having a quick catch up,’ I feel sick at the lie, but there’s no point telling the truth. Telling the truth would cause him to worry unnecessarily, and he’s going to be here soon for the 4th July celebrations when it will be a better time to broach the subject of Jake. He knows about our history and it’s one of the reasons he was so unhappy with me returning to Brooklyn. It caused many an argument before I left, which always ended with me telling him he was being ridiculous. Maybe he wasn’t too far off the mark after all.
‘I guess I’ll leave you to it then.’
‘Thanks, I’m almost where we’re meeting anyway.’ At least this bit isn’t a lie.
‘Ok, well, have fun. I just rang to say that my flight’s the day after tomorrow, I can’t wait to see you.’
Is it bad that I don’t even care why he rang? I don’t have time to over think it, so I wind up the call. ‘Me neither, speak to you later.’
‘Love you, Abby. Bye.’
I don’t have it in me for another lie. Saying the words, I love you to him right now doesn’t feel right, especially when I’m unsure how I really feel, and when I’m also on my way to meet my ex-boyfriend. Instead I hang up without another word.
To begin with, I was twenty minutes early to meet Jake, but now as I stand by Central Park, staring at the coffee shop where we’re supposed to meet, I’m suddenly ten minutes late. Even though we’re at the center of everything and not far from Times Square, there’s no hustle and bustle to be seen. Everything is typical Jake, understated and cool.
I’m standing just off the corner of the block so I’m not in direct sight. I can see Jake in the distance, standing with his hands in his pockets, looking around as he stubs his toe into the sidewalk, another nervous habit. I’m perfectly aware what I’m doing is ridiculous, but I can’t find it in me to take the steps towards him. It isn’t helping that even from this distance I can see how gorgeous he is; tall and towering above anyone that passes him. His dark hair is brushed back in its usual style, which he keeps running his hands through in frustration. The more time that goes by, the later I become.
My cell buzzes in my pocket, and when I pull it out, it shows a message from the number I saved as Jake’s when we agreed to meet. I expect the message to say something along the lines of ‘where are you?’ or ‘are you still coming?’ but instead it reads, ‘Are you going to stand there staring all day?’
Looking up, I can see he’s leaning against one of the cars parked in front of the coffee shop, with his arms resting on the roof. He’s looking directly at me, with an amused expression on his face, and my heart skips a beat. Any hope of getting away unseen and running back to Brooklyn with my tail between my legs has disappeared, so instead I suck in a deep breath and make my way over towards him.
‘Glad you could finally make it…’ he’s wearing that stupid smirk and he knows he’s got me.
‘Sorry, I was just cooling off.’ Not a full lie as today it’s hot as hell.
‘Nervous?’ another smirk.
‘A little,’ I hate the honesty slipping from my lips, but I never could lie to him.
‘Then I’m not the only one.’ It’s surprising to hear him being so open, and it takes me aback. I’m not sure what to say, so instead move the conversation along.
‘Shall we go inside?’
‘Yeah. I guess that’s what we’re here for, coffee.’
As we make our way in, I drink in all the quirky details of the shop. Small mismatched tables are scattered around, with random ornaments and decorative features complimenting the dark walls and curtains. It works and adds to the cute atmosphere.
We head straight for the coffee bar to place our orders, and end up standing next to a display full of cakes that has my mouth watering. This place could rival my favorite coffee shop in Brooklyn, which I’ve been a diehard fan of since my teens.
‘Nice, isn’t it. Mouth watering yet?’ Jake’s eyes follow mine to the display of cakes. ‘Would you like one?’
‘I don’t think I could choose just one,’ I chuckle.
‘We could always, maybe, you know, share a couple. That way you don’t have to pick just one.’ He looks uncertain, as what he’s offering isn’t really what casual friends grabbing a quick coffee do. It’s giving off major date vibes and making me feel rather uncomfortable.
‘Jake, I don’t think that’s a good idea.’
‘It’s just cake, Abby.’
Thinking about it for a second, I decide he’s right. If we don’t over think it, it’s just cake. ‘Fine, you choose, and I’ll tell you if you’ve passed the test.’
‘Deal.’
We’re next in line, and as I go to put my order in with the barista, Jake jumps in first ordering my favorite drink. ‘She’ll have a caramel, cinnamon latte, with an extra shot.’ He looks down at me with a twinkle in his eye, waiting for my confirmation that he’s got it right.
I give a small nod to the barista, then ask, ‘You remember what I like to drink?’
He doesn’t answer, just gives a small smile and places his own order, ordering the cakes as well. I don’t hear anything else he’s saying, as my heart is beating so loud at the fact that after all these years, Jake still remembers my favorite drink. I walk away and take a seat by the window. The big squashy armchairs have been calling to me, but I also like the idea of being able to stare out the window and people watch, rather than being the sole focus of Jake’s attention.
He walks over with everything we’ve ordered, carefully arranging them on the table, and then settles into the armchair opposite. ‘So….’
‘So…’ My palms are sweating as I clench them in my lap, and I’m sure Jake can tell how wound up I am. I can’t think of anything to say. It’s like we’ve gone back to the early days when I could barely find the courage to speak around him.
‘I’m glad you came. For a while there I thought you were definitely going back around that corner.’ He chuckles trying to lighten the mood.
‘So did I.’
‘Well, I’m glad you didn’t. Now, how about some cake?’
‘What have we got then?’ I feel like I can breathe again as I move the conversation on to something more trivial.
‘I went for: Death by chocolate – my favorite, pecan crunch – our favorite, birthday cake – your favorite.’ He leans back with a cocky smile, knowing he’s done good. Again, I’m surprised he remembers a small detail like what cake I like. I search his eyes trying to find some reason behind it but get nothing. Jake is back to a blank canvas, refusing to give
anything away.
Instead he offers me a fork and saying nothing, we both tuck in. The next ten minutes are consumed with us moaning over the cake, which takes away the need for awkward conversation. When the sugar and caffeine hit my system, I relax back into the armchair and enjoy this small bit of time with Jake. It’s been harmless so far, just what I would do with any of my other friends. I let out a contented sigh.
‘Better?’
‘Yeah. I was really hungry,’ I say looking at him sheepishly.
He nods, ‘I remember what you’re like when you haven’t eaten.’
‘Ha de ha,’ Smiling, I realize this doesn’t have to be awkward like I’ve been making it. Maybe we really can do the whole just friends thing. ‘So how have things been? Really, I want to know.’
His eyebrows shoot up in surprise, another sign I’ve been a bitch every time we’ve seen each other. ‘You do? Well, the band has taken off. We’ve just got back from touring along the West coast. It was amazing, Abby. I never figured I’d get the chance to do what I love. I was sure I was going to end up at some Ivy League followed by pushing numbers on Wall Street like grandpa wanted me to.’
‘How is he?’
‘He passed away two years ago.’ He glances away out through the window, his face torn with emotion. To say they had a complicated relationship would be an understatement.
‘Shit, I’m sorry. I had no idea.’
‘You don’t need to apologize. We’ve not spoken in years, so how would you know? Anyway, this might sound awful, but things have been better since he’s been gone. Sure, I miss him, he was my grandpa and I loved him in my own way but fuck me if he wasn’t overbearing. This past couple of years is when we’ve been able to pursue everything and I guess it’s because I haven’t had him breathing down my neck, being negative and constantly making me question everything I’m doing. I mean we never would’ve split if it hadn’t been for all his shit back then-’ He stops abruptly, visibly paling as he realizes what he’s said.
I instantly jump on the last part, ‘What are you talking about?’
‘Nothing, forget I said anything.’ He picks up a napkin and begins wiping at his hands, agitated.
‘That wasn’t nothing, Jake. Is there something I don’t know about why we split up?’
‘You know everything you need to, Abby. Can we just leave it? Please?’ His eyes plead for me to listen and not push any further, and the part of me that knows Jake better than I know myself recognizes when to back down.
‘Fine. What else is new?’ I narrow my eyes, letting him know that I’m not happy leaving the subject, but he’s not going to budge, so there’s no point pushing it further.
‘You know the rest. There’s Amanda. And I live with the group, which helps us grab practice time together between all our other jobs.’
‘I bet you’re all burnt out.’
‘Nah, it’s fine, we’re just doing what we have to. Now I want to hear about you,’ he leans forward in his seat, resting his elbows on his knees. My eyes fall to his biceps, which are bulging as he puts his weight on his arms. He’s wearing a fitted white band shirt that hugs his chest and stomach, showing off every inch of muscle. My mouth begins to water as my gaze trails over him again and again, drinking him in. God, why does my body have this reaction to him? I have no control over it, and it’s becoming incredibly embarrassing.
It eventually registers that I’ve zoned out of the conversation and that he was expecting me to respond. When I glance at his face, all the blood rushes to mine, and I pray he hasn’t noticed the reaction I’ve been having to him. It’s very evident he has but instead of pulling me up on it, he allows his own eyes to travel down my body. When he reaches my bare, tanned legs, he licks his lips slowly and swallows hard. Letting out a barely audible groan, he leans back and rubs a hand over his face in frustration.
We could argue that we’re only looking, that there’s no harm in it, but that would be a lie because with the two of us, it’s always been so much more than that. If we were only looking, my heart wouldn’t beat faster than it does for anyone else; my thoughts and dreams wouldn’t be consumed by memories of the first guy I fell in love with.
Years ago, I put up walls around my heart to protect myself from getting hurt again, the way Jake hurt me. He gave up on me when he said he never would. Those walls were put there to stop anyone else from getting in. It’s worked with everyone but him, as there’s no wall strong enough to keep him out. Really, he took a big place in my heart a long time ago and never left.
Breathlessly I ask, ‘What are we doing, Jake?’
‘I’m just catching up. It was you who started checking me out,’ he chuckles, but really he’s right, I’m the one that started this.
‘I’m being serious. I’m sorry, I don’t think I can do this, it’s too hard.’ It feels overwhelming and too much to cope with. Everyone was right, this was a bad idea.
‘Abby, I was kidding,’ he says, exasperated.
I ignore him and stand, throwing down some cash to cover my food.
‘Really. You’re not going to say anything? You’re just going to up and leave?’
I should do just that and leave without a word, but I feel I should at least point out the obvious. I lean over the table to have my final say, hoping the rest of the coffee shop doesn’t hear as well. ‘I’m walking away, Jake, because what we’re doing isn’t right. We’re both in relationships. If you love Amanda as much as everyone says you do, maybe you should start acting like it.’
He doesn’t respond, just stares at me in shock. Okay I was harsh, but one of us has to face up to the reality of what we’re doing. Judging by the look on his face, it isn’t going to be him. Typical guy.
Swinging my satchel over my shoulder, I march out of the coffee shop without saying another word. I stalk down the street, heading towards the one place I know will calm me down. The fresh air helps to clear some of the tightness in my chest. But right now, there are only two things that can help ease my anxiety: running or taking photos. I can’t do either as I don’t have the gear, so I opt for the next best thing, and head towards Central Park in a power walk, hoping that any sort of endorphins will help to lift my mood.
I’m there before I know it and I’m pleasantly surprised to discover a music festival in full swing. It’s one of those free outdoor events that are perfect for local bands, and of course the tourists love them too. Right now, it’s just the sort of thing I need to take my mind off what’s just happened.
When I find a spot in the crowd, I catch my breath, willing myself to stop thinking about Jake, which is easier said than done when he grabs my arm from behind. Clearly, he followed me from the coffee shop without making himself known, which wouldn’t have been difficult as I was so focused on getting as far away from him as I could.
The music, the laughter and the chatter of people are all background noise compared to the ringing in my ears as Jake spins me around to face him. I tilt my head back slightly to look up at his face. People are dancing together around us, so we don’t look out of place when he pulls my body tightly against his, looking into my eyes and swaying slightly to the music coming from the stage.
My chest is heaving, this time not from physical exertion, but from being so close to Jake. It would be embarrassing if his wasn’t doing the same, a sign our feelings are mutual. His thumbs begin tracing small circles where his hands grip my arms. He’s attempting to help me relax, but instead he’s firing me up, as his touch leaves goosebumps in its place. My eyes fall to his lips, mesmerized by how full they look, and the need to kiss them is all consuming.
I don’t need to worry about my self-control because his appears to have gone completely. He leans down, closing the distance between us. My eyes involuntarily close and he almost reaches my lips when it dawns on me what we we’re about to do.
‘Shit!’ I jerk away, glancing back at him in horror. He groans, looking up at the sky, as if that will give him answers to the fucked-up situ
ation we’ve found ourselves in. His shoulders sag, and I know this is the moment he realizes that he was about to cheat on the girlfriend he is loves. Apparently.
‘Fuck, Amanda. What was I thinking?’
‘It’s fine. Well, it’s not, but we both have a part to play in this,’ I try to reassure him and myself at the same time. ‘Let’s forget about it, write it off as being caught up in old times. Easily done right?’
‘Erm, yeah. This isn’t what I had in mind for today. You have to know I’d never cheat on anyone.’ He looks distraught, and that’s putting it mildly.
‘I know, Jake, let’s just leave it ok?’ Nodding he takes a step back, turning to face the band, who thankfully have decided to play a more upbeat song. It feels like forever as we stand watching, neither of us sure how to move on from the awkward situation.
There are a lot of things that could happen next but it’s one of the worst that does, bringing us crashing back down to reality.
We hear the voice at the same time, and glance at each other quickly. Jake’s expression mirrors mine, full of fear, as Amanda’s voice gets closer. Did she witness the almost kiss?
‘Jake. Jake, here.’ We hear her before we see her, and Jake scans the crowd frantically. I know he’s not just trying to find her. He’s trying to figure out if she could have seen us from her position. Finally, he spots her and hurries to meet her. Stupidly I follow behind.
‘Baby, hi.’ He pulls her into a gentle hug, while I hover in the background trying not to vomit at his use of the word baby. Ironic really, as it’s the same pet name I used with Michael during our call a few weeks back to get the same reaction from Jake. If I thought it was painful seeing them together at Lake Placid, it’s nothing compared to what I feel now, after being in his arms. After our almost kiss.
I must be staring because Amanda breaks their embrace, looking over at me, confused. ‘Abby, hi?’ A question, rather than a friendly welcome. I can see the cogs visibly turning in her mind, trying to process why we’re here together. The only relief is, if she’s so confused then she didn’t witness the almost kiss.
Always You Page 14