‘Stop pushing me, Michael.’ I can see heads turning when our voices become raised as the conversation continues.
‘How the hell am I pushing you? You’ve known about these jobs for six months and you’ve had five weeks in Brooklyn on your own to think about it. We’ve been together for four years, Abby. This is a normal thing to expect from my girlfriend, that she would know where our relationship stands.’
‘What if I’m not ready for everything you want?’ There it is, out in the open, my biggest doubt.
‘Then we’re not on the same page. This is the normal path a relationship takes and progresses to. Living together, marriage, kids. I want it all and I want it with you. You know that. But for us to get there, you need to make a choice about work and where you’re going to be. I won’t keep waiting around.’
‘I need more time.’ I didn’t think it’d be this hard to let go. I’m not sure why I’m asking for more time, knowing what the end conclusion is. I don’t have romantic feelings towards Michael anymore, but it doesn’t change that he’s one of my best friends. A part of me isn’t ready to let go of him and if I end our romantic relationship, that’s what I’ll have to do; it would be too hard for him to remain friends and unfair of me to expect him to do that.
‘We don’t have more time. We’ve been avoiding this for months, and I’ve been constantly wondering why you won’t decide, but I get it now. Maybe you’re not as into us as I thought you were, because this decision should be really fucking easy, Abby. It should be me you choose every time, because I would choose you in a heartbeat, no questions asked.’
‘Michael…’ A small part of my heart is breaking, and I know this is it for us. This is the pivotal point in our relationship where we realize, that we’re not meant to be. Even though it’s been coming for a while, it really hurts. Tears are beginning to burn at the backs of my eyes, and I don’t try to fight them, I don’t want to. I don’t want him to think I don’t care, because I do. Just not in the way he wants me to.
Resigned he says, ‘You know what, have your space. I’m out of here. I can’t pretend things are ok anymore when they’re very clearly not.’
‘Are we breaking up?’ I mumble the words, looking down at the sand. I’m ashamed of myself, that I’ve pushed him to this point, rather than having the courage myself to speak out and admit something was wrong. Instead I’ve been a coward, pushing him into a corner, so he’s the one who must do it, even though it’s the last thing he wants.
‘I’m not strong enough to do that: I love you too much. It’s your decision to make, because a part of me still hopes that what we have isn’t lost and you’ll come to your senses. But I can’t stand here and watch while you make love eyes at Jake. I won’t. I’m better than that.’ We both turn, looking over to where the group is sat. Jake’s staring straight at us and doesn’t look away. It’s as if he’s trying to prove a point to Michael himself.
‘Have your space, Abby. Do whatever you need to do. I’m not going anywhere. I have no choice over that because I can’t not love you. But just remember, I’m the one who has stood by you all this time and loved you despite all this shit. I’m not the one who walked away and broke your heart. He was.’
***
After our argument, Michael left, booking an early plane ticket to get out of New York asap. Shortest trip ever, but he always said he hates it here anyway. Maybe I should have saved him the effort and had the conversation on the phone, but after so long together it didn’t feel right. Not that how things went down was any better. The better option would have been to act like a normal human, and end things a long time ago.
It takes an hour or so for the dust to settle after Michael’s departure. I think about leaving too and going home to lick my wounds, but it is the 4th of July and with both him and Amanda gone, the group begins to relax. Typically, they all feel the need to offer their own advice whether I want it or not. Sam says I’m better off without and that he would ‘do me’ anytime, to which he receives a disapproving look. Shaun tells me the best way to get over a breakup is to work extra shifts to keep myself busy. I laugh, telling him I work enough. Zach simply says he’s sorry it’s ruined my day, but I let him know it’s nothing a strong drink won’t solve. And then there’s Sophie and Zoe. They’re like little kids at Christmas, excited over the fact Michael and I have broken up. I try to let Zoe know that we’re not one hundred percent broken up as he said he would wait a while, but she dismisses them as small details, carrying on doing her happy dance.
‘Seriously, I mean you have to be happy. He was such a douche last night,’ she says with more happy dancing on her towel. After all the drama, we decided the best plan was to relax for the rest of the day. We’re currently soaking up the late afternoon rays before the heavy drinking and fireworks begin.
‘Well, maybe he wouldn’t have been, if he hadn’t been so nervous. You guys did make the whole thing rather intimidating.’ Even though I know he can be an ass at times, I still want to defend him. Deep down he’s a great guy and would have given me the world.
‘But you weren’t feeling it anyway, we just helped things along. Your mom and dad will be so relieved.’ Sophie smiles. She isn’t one to voice her opinion, but Michael brings out a different side to her.
Rather than biting and causing any more drama, I shrug, place my headphones in my ears and ignore their post-mortem of my doomed relationship. I lie back on my towel and close my eyes. The day has felt like the longest ever, and we’re only into the early evening. After a while, Sophie taps me on the shoulder, waking me from a shallow slumber. The group is off on a food and beer run and I’m on bag duty, meaning I can’t sleep anymore. I tell her to bring me back some goodies as a tradeoff for waking me up.
It’s nice having some space from the group for a while. I wind up daydreaming, watching a young family muck about in the water, while listening to an old playlist I created on my cell. A hand taps me lightly on my side and I freeze in shock. Squinting against the sun, I look around to find Jake sat next to me with his arms resting against his knees, looking out at the water also.
Clearing his throat, he asks, ‘Are you ok?’
‘Fine. I guess it’s been a long time coming,’ I reply honestly. ‘He’s put up with a lot, and my indecisiveness recently has pushed him over the edge.’
‘About your relationship?’
‘Everything.’ I didn’t expect to have to tell Jake anything to do with my career, or the choices I need to make. I never thought it would be an issue as he wasn’t supposed to be part of the equation, but now I guess he is. Even though there’s nothing between us, it feels like I owe him an explanation.
‘Like what?’
I turn and look him directly in the eye. ‘You know I’m only here for one summer, right?’
‘I knew, but figured maybe once you got back here, you’d change your mind.’
‘It’s never been about what I want to do, it’s what I need to do. I came back to save some cash and get a bit of space to clear my head, so I could make the right choice.’
‘You’re being pretty vague right now, Abby. I’m not really following.’
‘Six months ago, I went for two separate job interviews. I got both. They both want me so much; they’ve given me till September to make a choice. They’re photography positions, obviously. One’s in South Africa and one’s in Australia. They’re permanent.’
He looks back with a blank expression on his face. Once again, I can’t tell what’s going on in his head, but if he could read mine, he’d run in the opposite direction because I’m a mess. Even though nothing has happened, this is the moment it should become clear to the both of us that nothing can happen. I have two jobs waiting for me on the other side of the world. I’m about to completely uproot my life, move away from my family and friends, permanently.
It won’t be like my freelance work, where I could hop on planes here and there, coming and going as I pleased, seeing people when I chose. I will be a long-ha
ul flight away that will have to be scheduled around vacation time; mine and other peoples. It’s a permanent, grown up, adult decision to make, and I’m scared as hell that whichever I choose, it’s going to be wrong. I thought coming back here would help clear my mind and make the choice easier, but it’s only made it harder. Being back with my family and friends, who I love unconditionally, I can’t imagine having to leave them again. The part of my heart that I closed off, so as not to get to close to anyone, to make moving around easy, has been opened again by the bunch of idiots surrounding me, and I don’t think I can close it again.
Then there’s Jake, who takes over every thought I have. I can’t even sleep without him creeping into my dreams. If anything happened between us, game over. My heart would be absolutely screwed. I don’t say any of this to him. The last thing we need is for me to open up, for us to get closer. We’re treading a fine line as it is and if we crossed over into that unknown territory, there would be no coming back. It’s easier to keep him at a distance.
He smiles weakly, rubbing his hand over his face, the way he always does when he’s overwhelmed or frustrated. ‘Shit. I mean shit in a good way, that’s amazing. Have you decided which you’re going to go for? If any…’
‘What do you mean if any?’
‘I know your dad would love you to be back here working with him. The other day at the photo shoot, you could see how happy he was.’
‘Since when have you and my dad become best buddies?’ This is the last thing I need. Them becoming close complicates things and blurs lines.
‘It’s not like that, Abby and you know it. We’ve been working together for the record deal. We got talking when he was trying to book a photographer and mentioned you. He said in the bigger picture he’d love for you to work with them. I guessed maybe that wouldn’t be what you wanted, being back here.’
‘Right.’ I’m unconvinced. There’s more to dad and Jake’s relationship than either of them is letting on. Ironic considering how anti Abby/Jake my dad was when we were younger. ‘Anyway, no.’ I continue, ‘I don’t have a clue what I’ll do. They’re both amazing opportunities, but they’re so far away. Michael wants me to stay with him in Florida, for us to officially move in together and start planning our future, have a family.’
‘But that’s not what you want?’ His eyes bore into mine, begging me to give him the answer I know he wants.
‘No. That’s why we broke up, sort of.’
‘Man, I didn’t realize you’d broken up. I just figured you had a big argument and he needed time to cool off.’ The shine has come back to his eyes at the news and my first thought is that he’s an ass. How dare he be happy that we’ve broken up when he has a girlfriend?
I continue though and play the game. It’s nice that we’re not arguing for once. ‘Yeah, we broke up. I’ve been indecisive over all this for too long and it wasn’t fair to keep it going. It eliminates one scenario from the equation at least, but there are still other factors.’
‘Factors?’
‘Other people making the decision harder.’
He stares intensely at me. ‘People?’ Swallowing hard, his eyes move down my body and I’m aware of how little I’m wearing. Every part of my body, every limb, feels like it’s on fire as his eyes move over them. My heart is racing, and my palms are beginning to sweat. As he looks back up, I can see in his eyes how much he wants me. Raising one arm he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear, murmuring ‘Abby…’ He leans in slowly towards me, as if he’s afraid I’ll scare suddenly and run. Nothing could make me run right now. I need him to kiss me more than I need to breathe and I’m tired of waiting.
Just as he’s about to remove the final bit of space between us, we hear the group hollering from close behind as they return with the drinks and food. Just like that, Jake and I are back to how we always were; chasing moments, only for something to always get in the way. He pulls away quickly and guiltily shoves his hands into the pockets of his shorts, looking down at the ground. I can’t look at him either. I won’t be able to hide my disappointment. It dawns on me that it’s so wrong because one of us is still in a relationship.
‘Beer truck has arrived. Toot toot!’ shouts Zoe at the top of her voice, tumbling towards us with beers in her arms. She passes one each to me and Jake, plonking herself in the sand in front of us, shooting me an amused look. I raise an eyebrow at her questioningly, but she shakes her head and looks away. I know she knows they interrupted something between us.
We stay sat, as the sun begins to set, drinking and laughing and enjoying every moment. I can feel the drinks going to my head, but it feels great to let loose after the turmoil of the past few weeks. I feel like I can enjoy myself without the guilt of Michael looming over my head I can just be me and do what I want.
After a while Zoe clears her throat. ‘So,’ she looks between me and Jake. In an innocent tone, meaning she’s up to no good, she states, ‘Michael isn’t here, Amanda isn’t here…’ as she trails off, she keeps looking back and forth between us.
‘What are you getting at?’ Jake asks, with a touch of annoyance.
‘What I’m saying is, you’re both here for the rest of the summer, alone. I’m declaring game on.’
My heart skips a beat as I realize how true her words are.
***
It’s much later when the darkness has set in and the fireworks are due to begin. We’ve been at Coney Island all day and consumed more than our fair share of alcohol. Sam and Shaun are in good spirits, being all brotherly lovey, trying to get Zach to engage in a bromance, but he’s having none of it. Sophie and Zoe are skipping around, loving life like always.
Jake comes over and stands closely behind me. Sophie looks over briefly, giving me a knowing look that I quickly dismiss with a small shake of my head. The fireworks start and music fills the air. It’s one of those moments you wish you could never forget. Stick it in a bottle so you can remember it perfectly and preserve it. With my friends close by and Jake even closer, I allow myself to love this moment and how perfect it feels.
As I look up at the sky, taking in the different colors flashing and merging, I feel Jake’s hand brush over mine. It’s only a small movement, but it’s there. He moves in closer behind me, slowly so as not to draw attention to us, and his thumb begins drawing small circles on the back of my hand. I take a deep breath, scared that if I move even slightly, he’ll stop.
Every circle he makes sends a rush of heat up and down my body. By the time the fireworks are finished, I feel like I’m about to combust. Turning around to face him, he smiles down, with a cheesy, goofy, genuine smile that I haven’t seen in a long time.
‘Enjoy the fireworks?’ I ask.
Looking smug he replies, ‘I certainly did. Did you?’
‘You know I did.’
‘Come on you guys, stop flirting. We have to get out of here before the rush so we can get to the bars,’ slurs Zoe, as the group begins walking away. I bend over and grab my bag, following them with Jake trailing closely behind. Every nerve is on edge and I can feel him everywhere. A rush of anticipation runs through me for the rest of the night to come.
Twenty-Three
It takes over an hour for us to find our way out of Coney Island and back to Brooklyn. We stop off at Riffs so we can freshen up in the living space Shaun has above. Sophie and Zoe both opt for short black dresses that don’t leave much to the imagination. I go for black skinny jeans, with a black lace cami; it’s revealing but the lace is designed tastefully so I’m completely covered.
Once we’re ready, we leave Shaun’s room to whistles of approval from the guys. My body instantly erupts in goosebumps, despite the heat, as I feel Jake’s eyes on me again. Shooting him a small, unsure smile, I follow everyone down into the bar, where we have a round of shots before making our way to a club.
It’s not where we would normally go, as we tend to go lower key, less New York social scene, but we’re all amped and in the mood for dancing. We wind up at
a small club that has a mix of music, different to the rock and indie bars/clubs we like. We stick out a bit, of course we do. We’re a group of rock heads, the guys all covered in tattoos, in a mainstream club. Thankfully, Brooklyn is known for its eclectic mix of trends, so we’re not the only group that looks like they’ve rolled up to the wrong joint.
After what feels like forever, the drinks begin flowing again once we’re settled at a table. My buzz from earlier had started to fade and a hangover was about to hit. I know I’m not the only one that was beginning to suffer from withdrawal, as between us all we knock back shots and bottles of beer like water. I’m laughing with Zach over some silly story he’s telling me when Zoe bounds over.
‘We’re dancing. You can’t say no.’ She pulls me up, and I don’t fight. A true sign I’ve had more than enough to drink as everyone knows Abby never dances. Dragging me to the dance floor, Zoe weaves through the crowds just as an electric mix of one of our favorite songs rings out around us. Out of nowhere Sophie appears beside us and all three of us get lost in the music, dancing like we’re the only ones in the room.
Wankelmut blares out from the speakers, and as the tempo slows right down, a couple of guys wander over. The beat is steady and the tune mellow, making the atmosphere go from buzzed, to slow and hot, and the dance floor pairs off on auto drive. The guys who wandered over, close in on Sophie and Zoe, but I stay on my own. It’s amusing as I look around, some people look plain awful as they make out like their lives depend on it. I continue looking around while still dancing and a guy tries to catch my attention; he’s attractive but not my type, far too preppy. I shake my head to signal I’m not interested, but he ignores it and moves towards me anyway.
A pair of hands firmly grab my hips from behind, pulling me back into their body. I feel disorientated from the forcefulness, but incredibly turned on, and there’s only one body that can draw that reaction from me. I don’t need to turn around to know it’s Jake behind me, staking his claim and making sure no other guy can get their hands on me. My other potential dance partner stalks off, peeved that he missed out. I couldn’t care less as I begin dancing back against Jake. We begin grinding together, my back flush to his front, and I can feel how much he wants me.
Always You Page 17