Always You

by Lizzie Morton

‘Please expand on potentially, Sam and fast, because my patience is running pretty thin right now, and I’m about to go nuclear. Tell me exactly what happened.’

  He sighs, ‘Everyone liked you, all the guys. God you’d have to be blind not to, look at you. But like I said, you’re marriage material. But yeah, they thought you were sound. It was like five months later when you finally got the courage to talk to that guy Dan, you remember him?’

  Remember him I do. The memory becomes clear as Sam is speaking. We had gotten close, but that hadn’t been my original intention. My plan had been to get in his good books, so he’d speak to Jake about me, but then things changed, and feelings began to change. I’ve always wondered where things could have gone, but one day he simply turned around and said he didn’t care about hanging out anymore. Said he wasn’t really feeling it with a girl like me. The memory stung and there are more to go with it. All similar scenarios that wound up with me being pushed to the gutter when I thought things were going somewhere.

  ‘There was a rumor that you guys had hooked up or were going to. I knew you wouldn’t you were still too raw after Jake, but anyway.’

  ‘What happened?’ I ask, swallowing a lump in my throat.

  ‘Jake saw it all going down and realized what he was missing. To be fair, I think he did straight away, but didn’t have the balls to come back. I don’t think he ever didn’t want to be with you, Abby; there was something else that happened, I just don’t know what. Then the guys were ripping him for spending so much time with you and it all got a bit out of control.’

  ‘You’re still not being clear on what happened.’ I’m trying not to get annoyed with him, as I know it’s hard him being the one to tell me all these things, but still, I wish he would speed it up.

  ‘Sorry. When he saw you guys in front of him, saw you getting close to someone else, I guess he got jealous. He’d never admit it to us, so he called dibs and initiated the bro code.’

  ‘Excuse me?’

  ‘You know what I mean. He warned us all off you and said if we went near you, we were violating the guy code of trust, et cetera. Either we followed, or he’d smash anyone who went near you to pieces, that sort of thing. Why do you think I always pulled away? I wanted you, Abby, but like I couldn’t do that to my best friend who was, and still is very much in love with you.’

  Hearing Sam say Jake has always been in love with me and still is, hits a nerve. I feel like I’m about to detonate. All the feelings of hurt and confusion are still so raw. How dare he feel that way and put me through all that misery, leaving me wondering what was wrong with me… pushing me away from my family.

  Something in me snaps as I think of my family and friends, and everything I’ve missed out on over the years, all because of the shit that went down between us. It’s time to finally get some closure, and there’s only one person I can get that from.

  Sam looks at me nervously. ‘You ok?’

  I smile back, brushing some of the hair that’s fallen into his eyes away from his face, then in the sweetest, most sinister tone I can muster, say, ‘I will be. Where is he?’

  He gulps nervously as he looks over towards the stage, where Jake has been stood watching us intently. ‘Abby, maybe you shouldn’t do this here.’

  Climbing down from my stool, I spin back round abruptly and simply say, ‘I’m a big girl, Sam. I can do what the hell I want when I want.’ Storming off in Jake’s direction, all I see is red.

  *crack*

  ‘Abby! What the fuck?’ Jake looks back at me in complete and utter shock. I could have gone for the stereotypical bitch slap, but that wouldn’t do what I’m feeling any justice. I’m not like most girls, so I went straight in with a sucker punch to the face. Whatever. He deserved it and seeing him rub his jaw back and forth, trying to ease the pain, is incredibly satisfying.

  ‘What did you do?’ I shout in his face angrily, not caring that I’m creating a scene and people are beginning to stare.

  ‘Have you lost your mind? What are you talking about?’ We’re stood to the side of the bar now. I’m not sure when that happened, but Jake must have dragged me over without me realizing. It’s a quieter spot to have this conversation, not that we need a quieter spot. My voice is raised in anger and the whole bar can probably hear us.

  My hands keep clenching and unclenching at my side, in an unsuccessful bid to keep my temper under control. ‘I’ll ask you one more time, Jake. I want the truth and if you don’t give me everything, I’ll walk away, and we won’t speak again. I promise.’

  ‘I don’t know what you’re asking me though.’ Part of me wants to believe him and hope Sam was lying, but I know Sam, I know he wouldn’t. I also know Jake’s tells better than most and over the years they haven’t changed. As he rubs the back of his neck nervously, I know that it’s beginning to register what I’m talking about.

  ‘Tell me what you did after we split. Why was I alone for so long? Why did guys always back away whenever we started to get close, even just as friends. What. Did. You. Do?’

  He looks past me, and I know he’s looking to Sam for confirmation of what I’m referring to. Finally, he closes his eyes and sighs. We’re having this conversation whether he likes it or not. ‘I told them to stay away from you.’

  ‘You’re an asshole,’ I practically spit.

  ‘I know,’ he looks pained, but he deserves it.

  My voice softens as I ask, ‘Why did you do it?’

  ‘Because I was an idiot. I’m sorry, it was a long time ago.’ If he thinks the excuse of us being younger is going to get him out of this, he’s got another thing coming.

  ‘That’s not good enough, Jake. I want answers.’

  ‘What do you want me to say?’ He throws his arms in the air in exasperation.

  ‘The truth, please. I need it. After all these years and all the shit, you owe me this.’ He looks away and when he looks back, it’s straight into my eyes. His are filled with so many emotions, I don’t know how the conversation is going to go. I can’t read him at all.

  ‘I missed you. I realized I’d screwed up and didn’t want anyone else to have you if I couldn’t, so I told them to stay away from you.’ Even though I already knew the answer, hearing the words come from his mouth, is like having a bucket of iced water poured over my head. It takes my breath away.

  ‘You had no right.’ I say angrily.

  ‘I know. I was an ass and I didn’t know what I wanted.’

  ‘You gave up on us. You told me you loved me and then made me feel worthless, like nothing.’

  ‘Abby, we were only seventeen, what the hell do you want me to say, that I was ready for marriage and kids? Because I wasn’t. But I shouldn’t have given up on us. I should have grown a pair and fought for what I wanted, instead of doing what everyone else wanted me to do.’

  ‘You’re a coward.’ As I say the words, I can feel how harsh they sound after he’s given me the truth. He flinches and I wish I could take them back.

  ‘You think I don’t know that?’ He surprises me by hitting the wall to his side with his fist. ‘We shouldn’t be having this conversation right now. I have a girlfriend. You and Michael are up in the air. What we’re doing is as bad as cheating.’

  ‘Grow up. It’s not at all.’ I hate the way the lie sounds coming out of my mouth. It’s all I’ve thought since Jake and I bumped into each other my first night in Brooklyn, that what we’ve been doing is wrong. But still, the words pour out of my mouth and I have no control over what I’m saying. ‘We’re just two adults rehashing some old memories, so that we can move on with our lives.’

  Taking a step towards me, his hands wrap around my arms and he lowers himself to my eye level. ‘Us even being near each other is bad. We might not be together, but my feelings for you never changed. You were everything, Abby, you still are.’

  This is everything I’ve ever wanted. For months, hell if I’m being honest, years, this is what I’ve longed to hear from him. I dreamed sometimes about him r
unning through the crowds, admitting he’d made a mistake and he still loved me. The reality though, after years of shit and built up resentment is much harder to swallow. I don’t know what to do with this new piece of information he’s thrown at me.

  I take a step back to shake him off. ‘I can’t listen to this right now.’

  ‘Now who’s being the coward?’ He squares up to me. This time towering and intimidating, forcing me to press my back up against the wall. I’m terrified he’s going to kiss me, because if he does, all rationality will go out the window.

  I turn my head away, to break some of the intensity firing between us. ‘Shut up, Jake. I thought we couldn’t have this conversation. Amanda, remember?’

  ‘Tell me one thing.’ He places his hand under my chin, lifting it so I look back at him. My stomach swirls with nerves at what else we’re about to reveal to each other. How much more can there be?

  ‘What?’ I swallow hard, waiting.

  ‘Why does all this old crap matter so much to you?’

  ‘I’m not telling you that.’ My palms begin sweating at the thought of telling him how I’ve really been feeling being around him again.

  ‘Come on, Abby, if we’re being so fucking honest with each other. I had to open up and tell you my feelings and everything that happened. So, you need to tell me yours. What’s so bad about hearing how I feel about you after all this time? It shouldn’t matter if you’re over me.’ He narrows those huge brown eyes, staring straight into mine, challenging me.

  ‘Because, it’s all I’ve ever wanted to hear,’ I reply in a small voice. At first, I’m not quite sure he’s heard, but his stance relaxes, so I continue talking. ‘Because my feelings for you have never, ever changed, Jake.’

  There, it’s done. The floodgates have been opened. After weeks of built up tension and frustration, snappy comments, hidden moments where we both wanted more, everything has been laid out on the table. Jake was right. Everything about this is so wrong, because whenever we’re around each other, all I can think is how much I want him and no one else. Knowing he’s been feeling the same really is as bad as cheating. We might not have been together physically, but emotionally, the things we’re both feeling for each other is so much worse.

  He begins stroking my cheek gently, willing me to look in his eyes. Every part of me wants to just get it over with and kiss him. Why prolong the inevitable? In this dark corner of the bar, nobody would notice, and we could hide here without a care in the world. But there’s still a small shred of dignity left inside me. If Jake and I are going to be together, I want him to be mine and only mine.

  So, with every ounce of strength I have inside of me, I push his hand to the side, shaking my head. This time, I’m the one to walk away.

  Twenty-Seven

  The following days are quiet on the Jake front. I avoid seeing anyone where I can. I’m not ready to talk about what went down between us and I’m trying to get my own head around it. Instead I’ve done what I always do when things aren’t going my way, absorbed myself in work. Between the piles my dad has for me at the record label and extra shifts at the bar, my time and mind are occupied. The extra cash is nice too.

  I’m finishing up an early shift at the bar. Shaun was adamant I take it, rather than a double late one, making it clear there was no arguing about it. ‘You’re working yourself into the ground. You need some time off. I know what you’re doing and it’s only going to make things worse.’

  I didn’t have it in me to fight with him, so instead, I have an afternoon free of work. Zoe and Sophie come bounding in, conveniently five minutes before the shift ends. I narrow my eyes at Shaun, and he shrugs in amusement then walks away.

  ‘Why have you been ignoring us, bitch?’ Zoe’s face is serious, as serious as she gets. I know she’s pissed I’ve been avoiding them. She’s let me know as much in the message she left on my cell.

  ‘I haven’t been ignoring you.’

  ‘Yes. You have.’ Sophie looks equally as pissed as Zoe. ‘We’ve barely seen you since 4th July and when we have, you’ve had some excuse to run off. What’s up?’

  ‘I’ve got five minutes till my shift ends, then we can talk.’ I walk away and go about finishing up. I’m dawdling in one of the back rooms when I hear Zoe calling my name, refusing to let me get away without facing up to the music.

  ‘New turf is needed for this,’ says Zoe. I laugh, shaking my head at how dramatic she’s being. ‘I’m being serious. The guys have eyes and ears everywhere in here.’

  ‘There’s a place a few blocks away that does great cocktails and fries,’ says Sophie, so we head out. Before I know it, we’re chilling at a table on the sidewalk in the sun, mammoth cocktails in hand while we wait for our order of fries.

  ‘So. Spill.’ Too busy playing with my cocktail and replaying the other night in my head, I’m not sure who it comes from; not that it really matters.

  Taking a deep breath, I begin speaking rapidly, wanting to get it all out as fast as I can. ‘Jake told me he never stopped loving me, and that he still does. Oh, and admitted to singlehandedly destroying any potential relationships I had before I left Brooklyn.’

  ‘Fuck.’ Zoe and Sophie both say in unison. The expression on their faces is comical. I’ve never seen them so shocked.

  ‘Exactly.’ Taking a big swig of my margarita, I relish at how cool and refreshing it is, as it slides down my throat. ‘Needless to say, it’s messed my head up, and I’m not really sure what to do.’

  ‘How did you leave things?’ asks Sophie.

  ‘I walked away. What else was there to do? He has a girlfriend and I refuse to be a cheat; you know that isn’t me.’ It makes me feel sick just thinking about how hurt Amanda would be if she knew what’s been going on between us.

  ‘There have been a few close calls…’ Zoe isn’t really one to talk. She’s not exactly the queen of being faithful, so I narrow my eyes at her, making it clear I don’t appreciate her stating the obvious.

  ‘Unlike some, I’ve always come to my senses.’

  ‘I suppose.’ We sit looking at each other for a few moments, but finally I let my guard down. This situation isn’t their fault and they’re only pointing out the obvious.

  ‘I know what we’ve been doing is wrong.’

  ‘Mhmmm,’ they murmur, again in unison.

  ‘Nothing has actually happened or will happen. Especially not whilst he’s in a relationship and things are still up in the air with Michael.’

  ‘Speak of the devil,’ states Sophie. We all look down at the table where my cell has started buzzing and Michael’s name flashes on the screen. ‘Maybe now is the time to clear things up with him? You at least owe him that. Hell, Abby, you’ve enough on your plate right now, you owe it to yourself.’ It feels nice that she’s empathizing with me, rather than telling me off for doing things I shouldn’t. Really, all I’ve been doing is trying to keep everyone happy. I’ve let that affect my judgement rather than following what my heart really wants.

  ‘We’ll get another round of drinks while you take it.’ Zoe stands and Sophie follows her inside to the bar, urging me to answer as they go. I down the rest of my margarita. I’m going to need it for this conversation. I quickly answer my cell before it rings off and I have a reason to avoid the conversation again.

  It feels awkward answering. It’s been over a week since we last spoke at the 4th July celebrations. The longest we’ve been without speaking in four years. ’Hey you…’

  ‘Abby. I’m so sorry, baby. I miss you like crazy.’ This wasn’t what I was expecting.

  ‘Michael-’

  He cuts me off speaking rapidly, ‘I’ve been wanting to speak to you since the moment I left, but I’m stubborn, you know me. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I did, and I was just being jealous. I made assumptions I shouldn’t. I love you and just want us back together. I’m sorry, baby.’ I hate this. I hate hearing him so hurt and desperate. It’s going to make it so much harder. I wish he were sc
reaming and angry, at least then I would feel justified doing what I’m about to do.

  ‘You were right.’ I interrupt his rambling.

  ‘I know you don’t care about him any- what do you mean I was right?’ He stops abruptly and the tone in his voice changes instantly.

  ‘You were right about Jake. I’m still in love with him.’ It’s like ripping off a band-aid. I hold my breath anticipating what will come next.

  All I get is silence that goes on so long I begin to wonder whether we’ve been disconnected. That’s until I hear something in the background smash. It’s so loud and sudden I flinch, then ask, ‘Michael, are you ok?’

  ‘How can you ask me that when you’ve just ripped out my heart? I thought we had something. I thought we were going to get married, kids, the works.’

  ‘I don’t love you, Michael. I love you as a friend, but that’s all. I’m not in love with you. I don’t know when it happened, or if I ever really was in love with you. Maybe you were just someone there to catch me when I was falling.’ It’s harsh being so blunt and some of the things I said aren’t even true, but Michael is the hopeful, forgiving type. The only way to clearly end things, is to make sure he won’t pine over us and try give the relationship a second chance. To end things properly, I have to squash any positive memory he has of us into the ground.

  His voice wobbles, ‘You don’t mean that.’

  I try not to picture in my mind what he looks like right now, how broken he will be. I never thought I would have to put someone through the same pain that Jake did with me. I never thought I would be capable of that.

  ‘I do. Look…’ I need to wrap the conversation up quickly before we get into anything else, dragging it out longer than necessary. ‘I’m out with Sophie and Zoe and they should be back any second. I should probably get going.’

  All the fight in him is gone as he simply replies, ‘Ok. And, Abby…,’

  ‘Yeah?’ A part of me hopes maybe he gets it. That he understands why I’ve said what I did, and we can leave things on relatively good terms.