The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy skips lightly over this tangle of academic abstraction, pausing only to note that the term ‘Future Perfect’ has been abandoned since it will have been discovered not to be.
EXT. – LORD’S CRICKET GROUND, AUGUST 1978
FX: Panicking crowd, robots flying about batting people.
FX: Robot vocalizations heard distantly.
ROBOTS: (Continuing under following) Howzat. LBW. Full and bye. Your toss. Googly. Bodyline stroke, two legs, please . . .
FX: Screams and explosions.
HENRY BLOFELD: (Distort, on a radio) Well, Fred, the supernatural brigade are certainly out in force here at Lord’s today.
FRED TRUEMAN: I don’t know what is going off. You never got lethal white robots setting fire to the stands at a Yorkshire match, Henry. Not in my day. And certainly not without a stiff argument from the groundsmen.
HENRY BLOFELD: Too true, too true . . . The pitch here is blackened, lightly smoking towards square leg and two men have just materialized on the pitch! Good Lord, I think I’m having a déjà vu . . .
FRED TRUEMAN: Then I’ll have a pint, if you’re buying.
HENRY BLOFELD: Er . . . And, for listeners just joining us for today’s play, ten bat-wielding robots have returned to their spaceship leaving a scene of unutterable chaos . . .
EXT. – PITCH
FX: Krikkit ship disappears with a noise like a hundred thousand people saying ‘foop’.
Post-havoc reactions in background.
ARTHUR: (Running on, yelling) Hallo? Excuse me? There’s nothing to worry about. I have the Ashes! They’re safe in this bag!
FORD PREFECT: I don’t think you have their attention.
ARTHUR: (Yells) I have also helped save the Universe. (To Ford) You’d think that’d be a crowd-pleaser.
FORD PREFECT: Not any more.
ARTHUR: Excuse me – officer—
POLICEMAN: (Passing, impatiently) What seems to be the problem?
ARTHUR: The Ashes. I’ve got them. They were stolen by the white robots a moment ago. They were part of the Key to the Slo-Time envelope, you see, and, well, you can guess the rest, the point is I’ve got them and where should I put them? Hmm?
POLICEMAN: I could tell you where to put them, son . . . but I’m on duty. (Moves off) Pillock . . .
ARTHUR: Is no one interested?
FORD PREFECT: Shall we go now?
ARTHUR: I suppose. No – hang on. This is Lord’s Cricket Ground, yes?
FORD PREFECT: What’s left of it.
ARTHUR: When I was a boy I loved cricket—
FORD PREFECT: (More emphatic) Can we go now?
ARTHUR: And I always dreamed, stupidly I know, that one day I would bowl at Lord’s. And as I still have the ball I caught last time we were here . . . and one of the batsmen is still standing at the crease, would anyone mind if I . . .
FORD PREFECT: (Wearily) OK. Get on with it. (Moves off) I’ll be over there. The bored-looking one.
ARTHUR: You’re a pal. (Shouts to batsman) OK if I bowl you one?
KRIKKIT ROBOT: (For it is the night watchman) Yes.
FORD PREFECT: (Off, calls idly) Arthur, what are you doing? (Polishing cloth (?) noises)
ARTHUR: (Calls) Polishing.
FORD PREFECT: (Calls) Shiny enough, surely? The trousers, I mean.
ARTHUR: (Calls) Quiet, Ford, I’m going into my run-up. (To self) Right.
FX: Arthur running up to bowl.
From this point the sound FX slow down. We are in Slo-Time FX-wise. The voices echo strangely over it, as the true situation becomes clear:
FORD PREFECT: (Calls) Arthur—?
ARTHUR: (Running, breathless – to himself) Pitch down the leg side . . .
FORD PREFECT: (Now frantic) Arthur! That’s not an England batsman! It’s a Krikkit robot!
ARTHUR: (Running, breathless) Line and length . . .
FORD PREFECT: That’s not a cricket ball! It’s a Supernova Bomb, and I bet it’s not a dud, either!
Hactar’s voice ripples back through his memory.
HACTAR: (Reverb, under:) I have made . . . a few things . . . What’s done is done . . . it takes enormous effort . . . I have fulfilled my function . . .
ARTHUR: (Horror) Hactar—!
FORD PREFECT: (Calls) Arthur, stop!
ARTHUR: (Distorted) I can’t – something’s making me run – I have to bowl at the robot—
FORD PREFECT: (Calls) How good were you at cricket?
ARTHUR: Dreadful! Right arm over and – (Releases it)
FX: No return to ‘normal’ speed:
FX: Ball swoosh-past.
ARTHUR: (Calls) – too late –
FX: Robot swipe at ball.
KRIKKIT ROBOT: Wide!
ARTHUR: All yours, Ford!
FX: Ball caught by Ford.
FORD PREFECT: (Leaps, catches) Yes!
FX: Arthur collides with robot, under:
ARTHUR: Well held! (To robot) Excuse me. Your bat. May I?
KRIKKIT ROBOT: Uh, oh.
FX: Massive swipe and dank! as robot head is knocked off.
ARTHUR: (Effort, panting) Ugh! And Dent breaks his duck as the robot’s head soars over the boundary for six.
FX: Robot body collapse. The head bounces away into the distance.
KRIKKIT ROBOT: (With the bounces) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
FORD PREFECT: (Moving in, applauding) Nice stroke.
ARTHUR: Not bad off the back foot. Right, do we have time for tea?
FORD PREFECT: That rather depends what you mean.
ARTHUR: Hot brown liquidy stuff?
FORD PREFECT: On what you mean by ‘time’. (As they walk away) If you mean time as in linear units yet to elapse before our inevitable mortality, that’s one thing. But if you meant time as in the metaphysical bond between space and reality, (Now fading) say, ‘here’ and ‘the Vogons’ imminent arrival’ – that’s several other things altogether . . .
INT. – THE BOOK AMBIENCE
THE VOICE: What – apart from a refreshing drink and a hot bath – does the future hold for Arthur Dent? Will his budding relationship with Trillian bear fruit? Can he ever return to the life he left behind on Earth? And who will attempt to assassinate him when he visits Stavromula Beta? All these questions must be answered in the free upgrade which forms the next series of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
ARTHUR: Suppose it also depends what we mean by ‘tea’ . . .
FORD PREFECT: Precisely; you know what caterers are . . . There’s an interesting entry under ‘tannin’ in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy . . . (Carries on explaining into distance)
Music: Closing sig. Up.
ANNOUNCER: In the last part of this series of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams, William Franklyn was the Book; Simon Jones played Arthur Dent; Geoffrey McGivern, Ford Prefect; Mark Wing-Davey, Zaphod Beeblebrox; Susan Sheridan, Trillian; Stephen Moore, Marvin; Dominic Hawksley, the Elder of Krikkit; and Richard Griffiths was Slartibartfast. Roger Gregg played Eddie; Bob Golding, the Krikkit civilian; Toby Longworth, Wowbagger; and Henry Blofeld and Fred Trueman were themselves. Chris Langham played Prak, and Leslie Phillips was Hactar. The announcer was John Marsh. The surround mix was by Paul Deeley; and the live FX by Ken Humphrey. The script editor was John Langdon; and the music was by Paul ‘Wix’ Wickens. The production assistants were Laura Harris and Jo Wheeler. The programme was adapted, directed and co-produced by Dirk Maggs. The producers were Helen Chattwell and Bruce Hyman; and it was an Above the Title production for BBC Radio 4.
Music: Out.
Atmos: Recognizable as continuation of preceding scene – but fairly neutral.
FX: Wowbagger ship touchdown, legs unfolding. The airlock door on the ship opens with a hiss and a metal ramp extends itself.
FX: A pair of boots descends the ramp. Riffling of pages on a clipboard.
WOWBAGGER: (Moving in, imperiously) Wait a minute.
ARTHUR: Oh, what
now?
FORD PREFECT: (Weary) Suffering Zarquon. And what planet are you from?
WOWBAGGER: Shut up, mortal. I’ll get to you later. (To Arthur, faltering) Arthur Dent? Arthur Philip Dent?
ARTHUR: Yes.
WOWBAGGER: You are a . . .
ARTHUR: (Testily) Yes?
WOWBAGGER: You’re a . . . I’ve done you before, haven’t I?
ARTHUR: Yes.
WOWBAGGER: (As he retreats) Oh, well, that’s my afternoon knackered.
FX: Booted feet back up ramp. Hatch shuts. Ship leaves.
ANNOUNCER: The preceding programme contains violent scenes of a graphic nature which may cause offence. Time travellers of a nervous disposition may like to consider listening to something else for the past half-hour.
FOOTNOTES
Krikkit (with a ‘K’) This is a point at which it would have been possible to dispense with an opening narration and launch straight into the action in any other series. But for this first Phase of the ‘new’ Hitchhiker’s I felt bound to the traditions laid down in the original series, in which all episodes began with some kind of scene-setter from the Voice. It was necessary also to bring new listeners up to speed with what had by this point become a very complicated plot.
Globbering (extended version only) This was a different kind of narrative-voice problem – a piece of classic Douglas linguistic whimsy I was desperate to find a home for. In fact it has been transposed across almost the entire story, from its starting point in the novel in the swamps of Squornshellous Zeta. The annoying thing was that it could only be included in the extended version due to limits on time. This would become increasingly a problem in the Quandary and Quintessential Phases, where only four episodes per book meant having to – very painfully – leave out certain passages altogether.
Trillian confounds the Elders This, if nothing else, clearly indicates the origins of this story, originally written by Douglas as a Doctor Who adventure. Trillian here is clearly arguing with her adversaries in terms familiar to fans of the Doctor. Except of course Trillian is a lot more fanciable.
Hactar Leslie Phillips phoned me about a week before the recordings to discuss his part as Hactar. I had worked with him on a couple of previous occasions and he is among the most thoroughly prepared actors I know, meticulous on points of detail and always looking to improve on the piece. In the case of Hactar he was anxious that, in playing a machine, he would not be able to imbue the character with any human points of reference, so important for the listener to identify with. It seemed to me that Hactar was so sophisticated in construction (see Episode Five) that he would, to all intents and purposes, have a personality, not a vapid Sirius Cybernetics ‘Genuine People Personality’ but a very real and – at the crunch – a quite unambiguously scary one. At the same time he was not the computer he once was – having been effectively reduced to particles, his voice would not be a commanding roar, as given by Geoff McGivern in his reading of the part (see Episode Five again). Leslie asked what sort of voice could encompass both Hactar’s discorporate condition and the threat beneath. I thought that the late actor Reginald Goolden might provide inspiration. Around fifty years ago or so he annually played the Mole in Toad of Toad Hall, the stage version of Kenneth Grahame’s The Wind in the Willows. Goolden had a very soft, sweet vocal tone which Leslie recalled very well. I suggested it could be combined with a sort of threatening edge, rather like Leslie’s performance as the Sorting Hat in the Harry Potter films, and the overall result would give us a memorable Hactar. Leslie came back with exactly the right blend of sugar-coated menace. Leslie is best remembered for his louche ‘Helloooo . . .’ character from British comedy films of the 50s and 60s, as well as his memorable contribution to BBC radio comedy, particularly The Navy Lark, but the fact is that he is one of our greatest all-round actors and it would be a disaster for us all if he retired; he just gets better and better.
Chris Langham and Prak Chris is a terrific and very individual vocal presence, and alongside Martin Freeman is one of the few actors who could adequately portray Arthur Dent, apart, of course, from the original inspiration for the role, the one and only Colonel S. Jones (of the Kentucky Volunteers – it’s a long story, you’ll have to ask him). Chris played Arthur in the May 1979 stage version of Hitchhiker’s directed by Ken Campbell at the ICA in London – the legendary one where an audience of eighty were seated on a sort of hovercraft podium which was noisily ‘floated’ to different points in the performance area where the action was to take place. (Our own Kevin J. Davies was there too, making props rather than operating a video camera on that occasion.) In the Tertiary Phase, Chris gave Prak just the right puzzled, manic energy – possibly helped by the fact that for reasons beyond my control he was kept sitting around waiting to perform the role from 9 a.m. till 3 p.m., which could only have helped his feelings of frustration and annoyance.
One of the many problems encountered with time travel . . . Originally the opening speech in an early draft of Episode Two, this made a much more suitable bridging speech before Arthur and Ford time-travel back to Earth to return the Ashes to Lord’s Cricket Ground.
Despite my effort transplanting this establishing speech to – metaphorically – underline in bold capital type the fact that our heroes are here time-travelling back to the Earth which will shortly afterwards be destroyed (whereas at the start of the next book Arthur actually travels to a new Earth that has popped back into existence, replacing the old), there seemed to be some confusion among certain contributors to the BBC Message Board (attached to the superb BBC Website run by the estimable Roger Philbrick and his colleagues). Why, they complained, did we leave Arthur on Earth when in the novel he returns to Krikkit?
I will try and explain: Arthur and Ford are about to leave for Krikkit at the end of this episode, momentarily being waylaid by Wowbagger for comic effect. After the ensuing setback for Wowbagger, they do leave for Krikkit (rather than get destroyed with the Earth). The Prak story (which comes later in the novel) was folded back into the Heart of Gold sequence before this because the logical and most dramatically satisfying point to leave the story was at the moment Arthur and Ford defeat Hactar’s ‘function’ on the pitch at Lord’s.
THE QUANDARY PHASE
Hiatus between phases: December 2003 to January 2005
Although the first episode of the Quandary Phase (So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish) was drafted before we had actually recorded the Tertiary Phase, it would have to be revised in the practical experience of recording and mixing the new series and gauging reaction to it. In the event, there was a lot of useful comment on fan sites and message boards which informed the new series. Encouragingly, people were listening to the programme direct from the BBC website as well as on air, and with the posting up of the original text-based Hitchhiker’s game devised by Douglas and Infocom, we ended up with over a million hits, a record for the BBC site and a real tribute to Douglas.
On the whole listeners understood that with a twenty-five-year gap there had to be some changes in the casting, or, where the casting could be the same, in the voices of the actors. Some were puzzled at what appeared to be the wholesale ‘dumping’ of the plot of Series Two (Secondary Phase), but its sidelining was temporary, as the Quintessential Phase would reveal. There was also a hard core who were not going to be happy with anything we did, which was tough for them, as this was the third series as Douglas wanted it, for better or worse. I myself was willing to give the Tertiary Phase 7 out of 10 on the grounds that I was a little too reverential to the text and the pace suffered as a result. But Douglas had asked for utter fidelity and the promise had to be honoured.
The last two novels would be a different bowl of Babel fish altogether. Douglas and I had not discussed them in great detail. Pretty much all he said was, ‘They don’t need more than four episodes each.’ This was something of an underestimate, for So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish and Mostly Harmless, being more lyrical and less conversational than Life, the Universe
and Everything, turned out to require more adventurous dramatization. From here on I was Off the Map.
A note about the 5.1 Surround mixes
Douglas liked my attempts to make the audio medium as visual an experience as possible, layering speech with more sound effects, ambiences and music than was customary. The next logical step was to make programmes in surround sound, and he leapt on the idea. There was a studio in west London – the Soundhouse – where Paul Deeley and Phil Horne had experience of working in Dolby Pro-Logic Surround (then the latest domestically friendly format), but the BBC were unwilling to adopt any process which might degrade the quality of the audio signal received in people’s homes and cars. Despite assurances from Dolby that this would not occur, BBC engineering supervisors were very reluctant to sit down and discuss this during the six months or so that the Tertiary Phase seemed to be ‘about to happen’ in 1993.
In the end, with the new series on indefinite ‘hold’ and no one willing to discuss surround, I took a Superman series to the Soundhouse and made it in Dolby Pro-Logic anyway. It worked fine and was a clever process, but the encoding trick at that time meant the rear left and right channels shared a single, rather thin-sounding channel. Only with the advent of Dolby Digital 5.1 and similar systems has it become possible to send a sound to a particular point in the room and know it will be reproduced faithfully both in audio and geographic terms.
This encoding process was developed for film, but it’s a huge gift to storytelling in a medium which is not tied to that screen at one end of the room. The sound stage is the entire 360-degree area. You are literally at the centre of the action, and, consequently, don’t need to sit religiously facing front to appreciate it and feel involved. What you must do, however, is to dig the rear-channel speakers out from behind the sofa or under the cat so you can hear them clearly.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Further Radio Scripts Page 17