Loving Neil

by Ronald Bagliere

  He rolled over, and she felt his eyes on her. “I trusted you. You, most of all!”

  She twirled the engagement ring on her finger. “Do you still love me?” She held her breath.

  He didn’t say anything for a moment. Then finally, “Yes.”

  Janet bit back tears. “You want to push the wedding back?”

  He rolled back onto his side away from her. “We’ll talk about it in the morning, okay? We should get some sleep.”

  She felt tears gather in her eyes, and she buried her face in her pillow as her body quaked in fear of losing everything.

  14

  A terrible silence enveloped Janet. Neil had barely spoken to her since that night three days ago. She felt isolated and abandoned and began to entertain giving him back the ring. She shuffled into the den. Pulled out the album of photos she’d put together of them. It was supposed to be her gift to him on their wedding day. Shots of places they had gone. Things they had done. She looked at them. It seemed years had passed in a span of days.

  She could hear Neil moving around in the upstairs room he’d converted into an office. The last two days, he had spent all evening up there after getting home from work. Said it was because he had a large proposal due. She didn’t believe him. He was avoiding her.

  A knock on the front door brought her out of her dark musing. She got up and went to answer it. Found her father standing outside. “Dad, what’re you doing here?”

  A boyish expression was on his face. “I’ve come to collect your fiancé for a round of golf.”

  Janet knitted her brow. “Golf? Neil’s never played golf.”

  Her father came in and took off his hat. “Then it’s high time he started. Consider this his bachelor party. Besides, I’m tired of playing alone.”

  “Well, I’m afraid now’s not a good time. He’s working.”

  “His car’s here.”

  She pointed toward the ceiling. “Upstairs.”

  “It’s a Saturday for crying out loud.” He pushed by her and marched to the landing. “Hey Neil, get away from that crap and come down here.”

  A door opened and a moment later Neil was at the top of the stairs. “Oh, Will. What’s up?”

  “I came to rescue you from my daughter, but it seems it’s work you need rescuing from.”

  Neil eyed Janet. When he looked back at her father, he said, “Now’s not a good time.”

  Her father glanced back and forth at them. It didn’t take a genius to see he knew something was wrong. He said, “It’s never a bad time to get out in the sun. You can take an hour or two off. Work’ll still be here when you get back.”

  Neil shot Janet another sidelong glance, as if accusing her of setting something up. “I really don’t have time, Will.”

  But her father pulled him aside. Whispered something into his ear. Neil’s tight expression faded. “Okay, okay … you shamed me into it.”

  Janet felt a stab of fear. Dad, please don’t get in the middle of this. It’ll only make things worse. “Shall I set another plate at the table when you get back?”

  “We’ll be home when we get home,” her father said, escorting Neil toward the door.

  It was near dusk when they returned. Her father didn’t come in, though. She watched them say goodbye through the front porch window then skated into the kitchen. The last thing she wanted to be accused of was spying. After the front door opened, she heard Neil take his jacket off. She waited for the familiar sound of footsteps heading up the stairs, but instead, turned around to find him standing in the doorway.

  “Hi.”

  “Hey.”

  “You have a good time?”

  He shrugged. “It was different.”

  “My father can be a little much sometimes.”

  Neil sucked his lower lip and shuffled into the room. “That he is. He’s pretty smart, too. We had a long chat.”

  “About what?”

  He took her hand. “I know you didn’t mean it, reading my letters; it just caught me off guard. I’ve been a real bear to live around lately, haven’t I?”

  “It’s okay,” she said.

  “No, it’s not. We need to talk.”

  He led her into the living room, motioned her to sit on the couch as he strode to the window. Looking out at the large Gary oak, he said, “I know this sounds like I’m holding onto the past, but part of me feels guilty for the way I feel about you, as if I’m betraying her somehow. I know it’s foolish, but I can’t help it. Guess I didn’t realize what was really bothering me until I saw you with my letters.”

  “I didn’t know you were feeling bothered,” Janet said, fighting to keep her heart from going into free-fall.

  “Neither did I.” He turned around and looked at her with despairing eyes. “She lives inside me. You know that. You can’t change it. When she died, she took a piece of me with her.”

  Janet pressed her lips together. Her chest felt as if it might collapse at any moment. “You miss her?”

  “Yes.” He turned around. “But she’s gone. And I need you to accept that.”

  “I’m trying. I love you.” Please say you love me back.

  “I know,” he replied.

  “I’m not going anywhere, unless…” Suddenly, her heart stopped, petrified of what she was about to offer.

  “Unless what?” he said quietly.

  She saw him gasp and felt the palpable fear in his voice. “Unless you want me to.”

  “Of course not!” He came to her. “I just don’t know what to do right now. I mean, how do I deal with the memories? How do I love you the way you should be loved? I don’t know anything anymore, except that the thought of losing you scares the hell out of me.”

  “So don’t,” Janet said, standing up. She put her arms around him, molding her body around his broad thick chest.

  His arms enfolded her. “Okay,” he whispered.

  Janet pulled her head back and studied his large round face. He was fighting so many demons, yet she couldn’t imagine any other man she’d ever want to be with. We’ll fight them together. She smiled, then reached up and kissed him. “You take your time. You have my heart.” When he nodded, she continued, “Can I ask you a question? Is that why you’ve been single all these years?”

  He shrugged. “After she died, I tried to … date … you know. But my heart wasn’t in it. And after a while, I just forgot about it. Besides, I had Meg to think about. I didn’t need complications in my life.”

  “And then I came along,” she said.

  “And then you came along. And for the first time, I felt alive again. You made me smile.”

  Janet grinned. “You made me smile, too.” She patted his shoulders, and said, “Look, there’s no rush. We can hold off on getting married.”

  He shook his head. “No. I want to marry ‘you’. I just need to find a place for her to live inside of me that won’t get in the way of us.”

  September 20, 1983 –

  Well, today’s the day, Janet thought. She sat on the porch lounge, looking out over the fields across the road. A dome of blue sky kissed the tall pine and hazelnut on a distant hillside. In less than six hours, she’d be exchanging vows with Neil on the beach. He was staying with her father right now. Left the night before. They both had a lot of things to do apart from each other. She sipped her breakfast tea and stroked Barney’s head. The dog looked up. “It’s been a rough couple of days, hasn’t it little man?” she said into the quiet, still morning. He bent his head forward and lay down on his outstretched paws.

  Am I doing the right thing? She wondered. He’s still in love with her. I can’t compete with a ghost. Will she always be there? Like a shadow over me? Over us? I wish I knew. The only thing I do know; is that I love him. And now, in a little while, we’ll be married. And there’re so many plans we’ve made.

  She took a deep breath. The war of ‘what ifs’ raged in her heart. But it was the thought of being alone again, of not feeling him by her side at night when she sle
pt, that scared her more. At last, she summoned her courage. I love him. I want him. I’m just blowing this all out of proportion. Get a grip, girl. You’re getting married today and you’ve got a million things to do.

  Lilies and daisies decorated the windswept beach right up to Janet’s beloved grotto. Gulls swooped under thin, white braided clouds above. Janet stood at the far end of the flowered path that would take her to meet her husband and clasped her father’s hand. He squeezed it and eyed her. A proud and adoring expression beamed on his face. Ahead, Neil stood in his brown suit looking back. Their family and friends tightened at the edge of the sandy aisle. Cameras clicked.

  As she took the first step, she smoothed down the sides of her cream satin dress. A guitar played in the background. Neil’s favorite song: ‘And I Love You,’ by the Beatles. This day was as she had imagined it for the last year. She passed faces as her father led her down the sandy aisle. She knew them all, but they were a blur. Her gaze was pointed in one direction. At Neil.

  Suddenly, she stood beside him. Everything around them disappeared. Neil held her in a tender gaze. His face rimmed in sunshine, radiated into a beautiful smile. Janet studied him a long time and turned to her father. His eyes sparkled as she smiled back. “I love you, Daddy,” she whispered.

  He took her into his arms, kissed her cheek tenderly, then pulled back and placed her hand in Neil’s.

  From that point on, she was in a dream, watching Neil as he repeated the words the minister said. His rich, deep voice filling her soul, and in between his words she felt the magic of his love.

  “Do you promise to love and cherish this woman, forsaking all others?” the minister said.

  “I do,” Neil said.

  “In sickness and in health?”

  “I do.”

  “For better or worse?”

  “I do.”

  The minister turned to Janet. Repeated the vows. She gazed at Neil. Studied his beautiful, round face. There was a depth in it that she’d never seen before. At last, she answered with a faltering voice to each question the minister asked. “I do.”

  She took Neil’s ring out from a small hidden pocket inside the sleeve of her gown. Placed it on his finger. Heard herself say, “With this ring, I thee wed.” There were more words, but she didn’t hear them. The only thing that mattered stood right in front of her.

  Finally, the minister presented them to the gathered friends and family and proclaimed them, ‘Man and Wife.’ Neil brushed her veil aside and pulled her gently into him. Kissed her like he’d never kissed her before. Tender and sweet, it lingered on her lips like morning dew on the grass. A wave of euphoria rushed through her. There were no words to describe the emotions welling up inside her heart. She knew this moment would live in her for the rest of her life. No one could ever take it away.

  15

  Janet and Neil left two months later for Alaska. They had planned to go the following year for their honeymoon, but the baby changed all that. Neil managed to get an earlier flight and also arranged it so they had a week to recover after they got home.

  Janet watched Neil as he looked out the window of the plane. He was like a kid going to Disneyland. He had always wanted to go to Alaska, and she had no objection. Her camera would get a good work out. She pulled a magazine out of her carryon bag and flipped through the pages.

  “Look at that,” he said, nudging her. “Incredible!”

  She leaned over and took in the vast dun landscape studded with snow-covered peaks, deep crevices, and sprawling glaciers. “It’s beautiful.”

  “Awesome,” he said. He looked at his watch. “Another forty-five minutes and we’ll be down.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  He pulled his self-made itinerary out of his vest pocket and studied it for the hundredth time. “We’ll grab a bite to eat when we get to the hotel then get to bed early. Long day tomorrow.”

  “You’re cute.”

  “What?” he said, shooting her a perplexed look.

  “The way you think and plan things.”

  “I just like being prepared.” He looked at her and smiled. “Okay, I go a little overboard sometimes.”

  “A little?” Janet said, creating a tiny space between thumb and forefinger. “You want something to drink? The flight attendant is coming around again.”

  He shook his head. “I’m caffeined out.” He turned back to his itinerary.

  They dove into their own musings. Janet turned back to her magazine and was halfway through an article when her stomach fluttered. Hi baby. She took a deep breath, enjoyed feeling the infant moving in her womb, and decided tonight would be the night she’d share her little secret with him.

  “It’s okay,” Janet said.

  Neil rolled off of her and lay on his back. The sunset was in its final throes outside their hotel room. They lay there quietly as the clock ticked on the nightstand edging toward 10:00 PM.

  At last, he said, “I’m sorry.”

  She turned on her side toward him. Draped a leg over his knee and put her head in the crook of his arm. “For what?”

  He sighed. “You know.”

  “It’s been a long day. Don’t worry about it.” But it’s more than that. He hasn’t been able to finish in a week. She worried. With each failed attempt, Neil seemed to withdraw a little further away from her.

  “Yeah, right,” he said.

  She tapped his chest with her finger, debating whether she should tell him his baby had started moving in her like she had planned on doing earlier.

  “What?”

  “Umm … just wondered what the cruise director had in mind for tomorrow.”

  He brushed her shoulder with his finger. “Cruise director?” His dark tone lifted a little.

  “Yeah, you’re the cruise director. So what’s the plan?” She tickled him.

  He squirmed. “Stop that!” He shifted his arm, and she felt his fingers burrowing into her ribs.

  “Don’t you dare,” she said, reaching back and seizing his hand. “Now come on, tell me. Where’re we going?”

  He pulled his hand away, and she felt it move up under her shoulder. “Well, if you must know. Once we get the camper, we’ll be heading to Denali. I was talking to the bartender in the hotel. He said, on a clear day, you could see the mountain all the way from Palmer. A hundred and thirty miles away.”

  “Wow.”

  “Yeah. Thought we’d stop in Talkeetna, too. There’s a pretty lake there. Lots of nice views. Your camera will love it.”

  “I’m sure it will.”

  He grew quiet and a moment later said, “I’m sorry. I thought I was dealing with it. I thought once we got married and were up here, things would return to the way they were.” He sighed. “I just don’t know. Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I see her on the hospital bed. Her eyes shut as if she were just sleeping.”

  Janet’s heart sank. She didn’t know what to do for him. She sighed. “It’s all my fault. If I never–”

  “No. Things happen. We’ll get past it.”

  “Right.” Should I say this? Should I tell him about me? Would it help him? She took a deep breath and lifted her head so she could see his face. “We all have things in our past that hang with us, honey. Sometimes they’re nice, and sometimes not so nice, and we wish they’d never happened. Like me reading your letters.”

  He opened his mouth to say something, but she put her finger to his lips. “I want to tell you something that happened to me a long time ago. It’s not anything like what happened to you and Sharon, but it might help you understand that I know a little of what you’re going through.”

  “Okay.”

  Janet steeled herself. “When I was thirteen, we used to go down to my uncle’s farm on the weekends. He had a big place down near Uniontown. Anyway, I used to love going into the barn, watching the cows and playing with the kittens. There was always a ton of them. One day–it was a week after my brother’s birthday–I was out around back alone feeding the chickens when su
ddenly my uncle shows up. He watched me with this really weird look on his face. It felt strange, but he was my uncle so I figured it was just his being a grown-up, and grown-ups did and said odd things.

  “Anyway, he asked me to come into the barn. Said he had something to show me.” She paused and looked away into the darkness. “He led me to his shop and shut the door behind us…”

  She heard Neil’s audible gasp. He reached up and touched her face. “Oh, Janet.”

  “Yeah.” She paused. “Like I said, it’s not the same, but there it is.”

  He was quiet a long time. Finally, he said. “I guess you’re thinking that sharing painful memories can draw us closer.”

  “I was hoping so, if that makes sense.”

  “Maybe you’re right. I wish I’d known, I’m sorry.”

  She peered up at him through the murky shadows. “Know what? That he forced himself on me? And if you had known, would it have made a difference with us?”

  She lifted her head up and looked down at him. “No, I’d still have fallen in love with you.” Should I say this? Careful Janet, this is thin ice. But I need to say it. She put her fingers over his hand caressing her cheek, and said, “Are you sure?”

  He was quiet a minute. “Yes, I would’ve still fallen in love with you.” He cleared his throat. “So you never said anything?”

  “No. I was thirteen. My parents were fighting like cats and dogs. They never would’ve heard me. Besides, there was enough going on without me making things worse.”

  Neil sighed and she sensed a shift in his mood, but she wasn’t sure what it was. “Does it bother you when I–”

  “No,” she said emphatically. “Making love with you is bliss.” She paused, letting him absorb her words. “But it’s not the end-all. I love you, for you. You don’t have to perform for me to be happy. Okay?” He nodded. Did he believe her? But it was out of her hands.

  “Let’s go to sleep,” she said at last, laying her head back down and nuzzling his chest. “You are so beautiful; do you know that? You make my life so much better than I ever thought it could be. And I love you to pieces for it.”