Janet shook her head. “It’s not all right, Neil. It’s Thanksgiving in three days, and he’s over there with all those crazy nuts blowing themselves up. What’s wrong with people?”
“I don’t know. It’s a different world over there.” He touched her face with a trembling finger. “He’s going to be all right. You have to believe that.”
“I wish I could,” she said, staring out the window at the hazelnut climbing the hill amongst the Douglas fir and hemlock. Her heart felt stripped, like the spiny branches poking through the shroud of evergreen.
They fell silent for some time, until Neil said, “Why don’t we step out for awhile?”
Janet shrugged and turned around. “Like where?”
“I don’t know, just take a ride?” he said. He stood and motioned her toward him. “Come on, it’s too nice to stay inside.”
She let herself be led out of the room, and an hour and a half later they were walking down a flower-lined street of one of the tiny hamlets peppering the Willamette valley.
Neil grabbed them a coffee and a bagel from a café, and they sat quietly looking out through the curtained window at the people passing by. “How about we pick up something for the house?” he said.
Janet sipped her coffee and set it down. “Such as?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe something to brighten the dining room or the mantle.”
She nodded, but her thoughts were still on Nate. “We could do that.”
“Are you feeling any better?”
“Some. Thanks for getting me out.”
“You’re welcome.” He sipped his coffee. “I’ve been thinking and I’ve decided to turn in my license. I don’t drive anymore, so I really don’t see a need for it.”
Where did that come from? Janet thought. She looked at him. “I see. This is sort of out of the blue.”
“I know, but it’s been on my mind awhile.” He set his cup down carefully on the table. “‘Sides, I haven’t driven since the little trip I had up to the hospital, so I don’t see what difference it makes.”
“Are you all right?”
He eyed her and looked out the window. “Yeah. And you? I mean … you’ll be my taxi from here on out.”
She reached across the table and laid her hand over his wrist. “Of course I’ll be okay with it.”
They sat in their own thoughts a few more minutes until he said, “Let’s go shopping.”
They walked hand-in-hand down the street, peering in shop windows and occasionally going into them. Janet found a vase she liked and a trivet. On the way back to their car, she saw a dress shop, and in the shop window she spotted a blouse. “I think I’d like to go in and take a look. You mind?”
Neil shrugged and sat on one of the benches dotting the street’s sidewalk. “Sure, I’m gonna stay here if you don’t mind.”
“Okay. I won’t be long.” She left him to enjoy the sunshine and stepped inside the store. As she walked past the racks, she smiled at the approaching clerk. “Just looking,” she said. The blouse she was interested in hung near the rear of the store, and after a thorough search discovered it was out of stock in her size. After another fifteen minutes of looking for something else, she gave up and headed for the front door. When she opened it, she saw an empty bench. Knotting her brow, she looked up and down the street.
Where is he, she wondered? Maybe he went to find a bathroom or something. She sat, assuming he’d be along shortly. When ten minutes passed, the uneasy feeling turned into a bad one. Something definitely wasn’t right. She got up and struck off toward the car, thinking maybe he’d decided to wait there. But the car was empty. Maybe he went down to the café where they’d shared coffee together earlier? He wasn’t there, either. Her heart raced. Don’t panic, she cautioned herself as she left the café. The village wasn’t all that big. Surely, he couldn’t have gone far. After another five minutes her heart thundered. Where is he?
She reached into her purse, her hand shaking, groping for her cell phone. She pulled it out and, just as she started to punch in 911, saw him walking across the street the next block up. She picked up her stride and broke into a trot. “Neil?” she called. “Neil!”
His head jerked in her direction, and he stopped. When she reached him, she saw an expression of fear and relief on his face. He shot her a smile. “There you are,” he said. “I waited a while and I thought I’d missed you coming out of the store, so I thought maybe you went somewhere else.”
Janet could tell he was making an excuse. She collected herself and took a deep breath. Better call the doctor when I get home and make an appointment.
Janet sat and watched as Dr. Childe ran through the checklist of cognitive abilities with Neil. With each answer Neil gave, the doctor acted fine until the memory test at the end. When Neil failed to repeat the words he had been asked to remember, Dr. Childe cocked his brow.
“Don’t worry about it, Neil,” the doctor said, patting him on the shoulder. “We forget little things all the time.”
Neil frowned. “I can’t believe I forgot ‘em.”
“It’s nothing more than being put on the spot,” Dr. Childe said, and his glance strayed to Janet. He scribbled out a couple of prescriptions and handed them to Neil. “I’m increasing your Madopar dosage, and while we’re at it, let’s help assist your memory a little. This is for Exelon, two milligrams, twice daily. I’d like to see you in two weeks.”
As Dr. Childe excused himself from the room, Janet felt her heart sink and told Neil to get the appointment scheduled while she made a visit to the Ladies Room. When Neil was out of sight, she discreetly made her way back to the doctor’s office and knocked on the open door.
Dr. Childe clicked his recorder off and looked up. “Yes, Janet?”
She came in and pulled the door shut behind her. “Can we talk?”
“Sure.”
“I didn’t want to say anything in front of Neil, but there’s something you should know.” She told him about the shopping incident, how Neil had disappeared and seemingly covered his actions up.
Dr. Childe paused, leaned back in his chair and steepled his fingers over his lips. After a moment of thought, he eyed her and said, “Neil’s cognitive abilities are degrading, but it’s hard to tell how far it will go. Let’s see how he does with the Exelon, and if there’s no improvement, I’ll schedule more blood work and another CAT scan. In the meantime, watch him for the following things.”
He leaned over and pulled out a sheet from his filing cabinet beside him. “Now, I want you to know it doesn’t mean anything is actually wrong if he exhibits any of these behaviors, but it can be an indicator things aren’t right. I’d also like you to start keeping a daily journal of his activities and any incidents.”
Janet read the list; mentally checking off things that didn’t apply, such as change in hygiene, and felt a little better seeing most didn’t apply. She looked up and said, “If Neil is getting worse, is there anything that can be done?”
“There are various other medications that can help stem the progression of dementia, if that’s what you’re referring to. But I don’t want to jump to conclusions just yet, and neither should you. He is seventy-five and it isn’t uncommon for someone of his age to exhibit certain amounts of memory loss.”
Janet nodded, and a question that had been in her mind since the shopping incident reared up, demanding an answer. She took a deep breath. “If he is heading for … dementia,” she said, forcing the word out, “does he have to know?”
Dr. Childe looked at her hard. “He has the legal right, Janet, and as his physician I’m bound by law to tell him.”
“But if nobody can do anything about it,” Janet said, “I just don’t see how it does any good telling him. You know how he feels about what happened to his mother. It would be like a death sentence.”
Dr. Childe eyed her then glanced to the picture of his family on the shelf beside him. Finally, he pressed his lips together. “I have to tell him if I diagnose it.�
� And after he had said it, gave her a knowing glance, as if he’d just given her an option.
“I see,” Janet replied, studying him. What’s he trying to tell me? Suddenly, the answer clicked, and she said, “Forget the tests then.”
“Okay, for the time being I can, but eventually Neil will start asking questions and when that happens, I’ll have to diagnose him.” He leaned back in his chair and held her with a consoling expression.
“How long?” Janet said.
“Depends,” he said. He got up and came around his desk. “I’ll do my best to spare him any anxiety. Go home. Enjoy your time with him, and I’ll see you in two weeks.”
Janet slipped out of bed, leaving Neil to his dreams, and showered. It was just after seven in the morning and she, Megan and Kyle’s girlfriend, Debbie were going Christmas shopping in Salem. When she pulled back the shower door, she saw Neil leaning over the vanity running his hand over the side of his wobbling face.
“You’re up early,” he said.
“I’m sorry, did I wake you?” She pulled a towel off the bar and wrapped it around her hair, flipping it back into a turban.
He shot her a passing glance. “No, I was awake anyway. Coffee?”
“Yes, please.”
He yawned and pulled his robe on. “So, what time do you need to be up to Megan’s?”
“Around ten.”
He nodded. “And will you be having breakfast with me?”
She wrapped a bath sheet around her and smiled. “Of course.” She gave him a kiss on his cheek. “Be there as soon as I’m done.”
After she got dressed, she scampered into her studio to check e-mail. When she woke her computer up, a message from Nate awaited her.
Hi Mom. All’s well here and I have good news. I put in for leave and there’s a chance I might be able to get home for x-mas. As soon as I know, I’ll send a message along. Keep your fingers crossed. Hugs to you and Dad.
Janet’s heart danced as she typed off a quick reply. Excited, she ran out to the kitchen to tell Neil, only to smell something burning. A moment later, the smoke detector went off. She rounded the corner to find Neil washing dishes, oblivious to the smoke pouring off the skillet.
“Neil!” she cried, running over to shut the burner off. Turning back to him, she said, “The bacon was burning. Didn’t you smell it?”
Neil turned around surprised. “Oh, shit, I thought I’d shut that off.” He opened a patio door and hurried over as she picked up the skillet billowing with smoke. Rushing out onto the patio, she set the pan down on the ground and doused it with their garden hose. When she came back in, he said. “I don’t know what to say. I swear I turned it off.”
Taking a deep breath, Janet struggled to remain calm.
Neil ran his hand erratically through his thinning hair and looked away. In a quavering voice, he said, “I’ll clean it up. Why don’t you check and see if the paper’s here and I’ll get us some coffee and toast.”
But Janet shook her head. “No, that’s all right, I’ll grab a bite out.” Suddenly, she felt very reluctant to leave him alone. She spied her cell phone on the island countertop and wondered if she should call Megan and cancel their shopping trip. She pulled a hunk of paper towels off the roll and started wiping the grease splatter off the stove. As she did so, a thought occurred. She turned around, and fixing him with a smile, hoped her growing panic wouldn’t betray her. “Hey, I have an idea. Why don’t I call my dad and see if he’s around? If he is, I’ll drop you off over to his place on my way into town and the two of can have breakfast out. You two can hang out all day. Sound like fun?”
He knotted his brow. “You don’t trust me here alone, do you?”
“I didn’t say that,” she replied adamantly. “I just thought you might enjoy some company.”
“I know what you said. I don’t need a baby sitter. It was just an accident.”
“I know,” Janet said, scrambling for a convincing reason Neil would accept. Drawing breath, she said, “The truth is I’m worried about my dad. He’s not himself these days.”
“Really? First I’ve heard of it,” Neil said, eyeing her dubiously. “He seemed all right on Thanksgiving.”
“He puts up a good front,” Janet lied, knowing the path this conversation was suddenly going down could easily turn into a slippery slope. She gathered her thoughts as her heart raced. “You know how I’ve been trying to convince him to come live with us lately? I think if he heard it from you, he might take it more seriously.”
Neil looked back at her pointedly and was quiet a moment. Finally, he said, “Why do I feel like I’m being managed?”
“Neil,” Janet said, fighting to keep her composure, “have I ever lied to you?”
He fixed her with a discerning gaze. “No.”
“Well then,” Janet said, “why would I start now?”
He shrugged. “You tell me. It just seems a little odd that I’m hearing about this now, especially right after what just happened.”
“I know. And I’ve been meaning to tell you, but with everything going on, I keep forgetting.”
“Hmmm … Okay, but he knows about the room and that he’s welcome here anytime. What makes you think he’d listen to me? Besides, what’d’ya expect me to say: ‘Will, you’re losing it. You better come live with us?’ He’d throw me out of the house.”
“Don’t be silly. Just mention you could use some help around here. You know how he is. He likes to feel needed. Besides, you’ve told me yourself, you could use an extra pair of hands a lot of times.”
Neil rubbed his chin. “Yeah, I have said that.” He narrowed a hawk-like gaze on her. “Why do I still think I’m being managed though?”
Janet stared him down.
“Right. You’re sure there’s nothing more to this?”
“Yeah. Really that’s all there is,” Janet replied.
“Hmm.” He shot her another dubious glance. “Very well, give him a call.”
“Thanks. I really appreciate it.” She resisted the urge to kiss him, lest he think otherwise and grabbed her cell phone. As she punched the numbers in, she drifted down the hall. As it rang on the other end she felt her stomach knot. She had to get Neil out of the house otherwise she’d have to call Megan and cancel. That, in turn would lead to questions from his daughter that Janet wasn’t ready to answer. Finally, her father picked up.
“Hi, Dad. How are ya?”
“I’m good. What’s up?”
“I have a favor I need to ask. What’re you doing today?”
“Planned on heading down to the local bookshop for coffee. Met a nice young lady there. Why?”
Janet edged toward the kitchen and peeked around the corner. Neil had gone back to washing dishes. In a low voice, she said, “I need someone to be with Neil today. He almost set the house on fire this morning.”
“What?”
“He left a burner on and almost started a grease fire. I’m going to Salem for the day, and the thought of leaving him here alone scares the hell out of me.”
“Umm … yeah, okay I guess. Is he all right?”
“Yeah.” She steeled herself. “Look, I told him you were feeling a little down and could use some company.”
There was a long pause.
“Dad?”
“Yeah, I’m here,” he said. “Janet, I know you’re worried, but–”
“But I don’t have a choice, Dad,” she interjected. “If I tell him the truth, he’ll dig his heels in. I know you wanted to wait a while before moving in with us, but I need you here now. Please? I’m scared.”
“Is he that bad?”
“No, but he’s getting worse.” She told him about Neil’s disappearing act when they went shopping a few weeks ago and his increasing forgetfulness. “I’m so afraid I’m losing him, Dad,” she said as her voice caught in her throat.
“Hey, hey there, Skeeter, don’t worry. Look, if you need me there, I’m there. What time shall I expect you guys?”
She c
leared her tightened throat. “I have to be in Salem by ten, so it’ll be in the next forty-five minutes.”
24
Christmas – 2004
Janet saw Nate striding down the terminal of Portland’s International airport with his duffle bag slung over his shoulder. He knifed his way through the crowded concourse to where she anxiously awaited behind the security checkpoint. When he crossed into the public waiting area, she ran up and threw her arms around him. I can’t believe you’re home. Good Lord, look at you. You’re a man. When did this happen?
“Hey Mom,” he said, dropping his bag and lifting her halfway off her feet.
She pulled back, looking at him. His face was the same, but the closer she looked, she saw a grim edge to his smile and a subtle dull sheen to what had once been shining eyes.
“It’s so good to have you home,” she said, touching his face, his hair, and his neck. She wanted to cradle his whole body in her arms.
“Where’s Dad?”
She let go of him and cleared her throat. The thought of telling him the truth was tearing her heart out. “He decided to stay home. It’s a long drive, and you know he’s not much on being a passenger on long hauls.”
Nate pressed his lips together. “Yeah, but it’s only seventy miles. Everything all right, I mean, he hasn’t been sick or had another you know…?”
“No, he’s fine.” Janet looked at him and gathered her courage. “He’s just … well, he’s changed, Nate.”
“How?”
She looked away, not wanting to have this conversation with her son, not now, not this way. “Your father’s memory is fading. He forgets things easily.”
Nate shook his head, and the rigid muscles in his neck tightened.
Janet gazed at her son, tracing the crease burrowing deep into his brow, kidnapping his beautiful smile. “We’ll talk more later, okay?” She reached for his bag, grabbed the strap, felt its daunting weight.
“I got it,” he said, picking it up with ease.
As they started for the exit, Janet cleared her throat. “By the way, I saw Jess the other day?”
Loving Neil Page 21