by Auden Dar
“Sweetheart, I’m just a call away. I love you, and I’m so damn proud of you.” And when he hangs up, I know I did the right thing.
I’m proud of myself, too.
The Lyft car finally makes it to LAX, and I rush to the Virgin Airlines counter, hoping to catch the next available flight to JFK. The flight is scheduled to depart in a little over an hour. I rush through security, and I’m grateful that I packed light. After grabbing a drink, I head straight to the boarding gate. While waiting, my phone vibrates, and Marcel’s name appears on the screen.
“Good afternoon, dear. Am I catching you at a bad time?” His voice is soothing.
“Hello, Marcel. I’m actually getting ready to catch a flight to New York. I have a few minutes before I have to board.”
“New York? Does Julian know you’re on your way?”
“No, I haven’t told him.”
“He’s also traveling to New York today. What airline are you traveling with?” he inquires.
“Virgin.” I scan the airport and realize I am filled with disappointment when I don’t see his son.
“Lina, dear, are you still there?”
“Yes. I’m sorry, I just have a lot on my mind. Marcel, I also owe you an apology for leaving abruptly.”
“Lina, dear, no need at all. I’m just grateful you came. However, I was actually going to fly out to Los Angeles to see you. There is an important matter I need to discuss with you in person. We didn’t get a chance to talk while you were here. How long will you be in the city?”
I don’t know the answer and try to be as honest as possible. “Indefinitely.”
“Well then, I’ll make arrangements to join you. Would you like to stay at 740? You still have your bedroom there.”
“That’s very generous of you but I kept my loft.”
“Once my affairs are in order, I’ll call you.”
“Marcel, is everything all right?”
“Yes, but there is a matter that needs to be discussed in person. I’ll see you in a couple of weeks, my dear. Godspeed.”
“Thank you.” What does he need to discuss with me? Suddenly, I am really anxious. Is it about Julian? Is it Marcel’s health?
Once I am seated, I order a gin and tonic and immediately gulp it down. There’s nothing like a cocktail during a flight. I was smart to pay for first class. Something Andrew would frown upon. The white leather seats are roomy and comfortable. Peering out the window, I see the sun shining brightly although it doesn’t feel sunny at all. I feel defeated. The verbal boxing match I participated in was a letdown. And although my opponent didn’t fight back, I still lost. I view my phone before turning it off and notice Andrew hasn’t called. Sliding to turn it off, I drop it on the floor from my trembling hands. I pick it up, and a few feet from my phone is a pair of huge, black leather Hogan shoes. Could it possibly be? My eyes slowly gaze up, stupefied.
Thirty-Two
“Julian?” I peek up, squinting. The gin and tonic must have hit me really hard because standing in front of me looks like Julian ‘so fucking hot’ Caine.
“Well, hello there,” he greets me. I can’t believe that even in the state I am in, I am still turned on by this man.
Snap out of it!
“Lina, are you okay? You look …”
“What?” I lazily ask.
“Umm, not quite yourself. I think this is my seat.” He plants himself only a few inches from me.
“Now it is,” I reply as I take a sip of my second gin and tonic. “Julian, how the hell? What are you doing on this flight? Are you stalking me?”
“Well, a change of plans. I have to be in New York tomorrow. The jet is having some issues, so I decided to fly commercial. I was already at the airport when Father called to tell me that you were on the same flight. Cecelia called the airlines requesting that one of the flight attendants keep an eye on you. Cecelia was smart enough to purchase the remaining seats in first class.” He pauses before admitting, “I guess that was a bit of stalking on my part then.” He chuckles and somehow the darkness that had clouded over me a few minutes ago has disappeared. His gray-blue eyes are piercing and I swear I feel like a schoolgirl.
A schoolgirl with her first crush.
“That’s one beautiful and smart Cecelia.” I gulp my gin and tonic like water, unconcerned that I might get sick. A few minutes of silence ensue until I stop the flight attendant. “Another gin and tonic, please.”
“What are you doing? Please slow down. You don’t want to get sick on a flight.” He admonishes me about my drinking.
“I’m a big girl, Julian. In fact, I am older than ya.” Yes, I am indeed slurring my words. Massaging my right temple, I realize the two gin and tonics have hit me hard. My body feels tight. I roll my head in a circular motion, hoping that doing so will relieve some tension.
It doesn’t work.
Turning his imposing body to face me, his concerned face searches mine. “What’s wrong? When I stopped by to see you yesterday, you were angry. I apologize for my honesty. I thought if anyone could accept the truth, it would be you.”
I look him straight in the eye, and my next words surprise me. “You don’t know me … anymore.”
“I beg to differ.” With his forefinger, he slightly tilts my chin. “I know you better than the man you have shared your life with for the past decade.”
Laughing with a bit of sarcasm, I throw it in his face. “Says the guy who left me without a word.”
Clearing his throat, Julian hesitates before moving so close to my ear I can feel his breath. “I know that when you’re sad, you try to hide it with a weak smile. However, you’ve always bawled your eyes out every time the ASPCA commercial comes on. I know that you would always put everyone’s needs ahead of your own because that’s what you do. Not playing the piano daily makes you crazy. By the way, why didn’t you have a piano in your house? Don’t answer that. Cinema Paradiso propelled your dreams of becoming a composer. I know there’s this strong, passionate woman inside dying to come out,” he says, trying to fight a smile.
Oh. My. God.
Does he know I’ve masturbated to thoughts of him?
Biting the side of my bottom lip, I offer no words, allowing Julian to continue. “And your passion includes music. I’ve heard everything you’ve written, and although they are all beautiful, the passion has yet to surface.”
I exhale.
“I know you get excited at the mention of cupcakes.”
My eyes widen.
“Ah.” Julian proceeds with a wink. “Your beautiful emerald eyes just lit up. Your birthday is approaching, and you’ll refuse to celebrate it for fear of disrespecting your parents’ memory. I know you love to read Russian literature because it reminds you of your father. I know you would prefer to fall asleep to the sound of Bach’s ‘Prelude in C Major.’ Most of all, I know that when I needed someone, you were always there for me. And,” he stops himself, closing his eyes briefly, “I’m going to work hard at gaining your trust again.”
Although I am quite taken by Julian’s honesty, I remain mute.
“Now I need to know why haven’t you returned any of my calls, texts, and emails from today?” There’s no mistaking the concern etched in his voice.
“Julian, you’re asking me why?” Suddenly, I’m raising my voice a decimal or two higher than needed. My hands are slightly shaking. My head’s fuzzy from the cocktails I stupidly gulped down like water.
With both of his hands on top of mine, he nods as a way to indicate that I should lower my voice.
“Oh.” Softening my voice, I crook one of my fingers, motioning for him to move closer. “I’ve left Andrew.” I take a deep breath. “I’ve left my house in Santa Monica and I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t even have work right now.” I purse my lips tightly, willing myself not to fall apart. To my surprise, not even a pool moistens my eyes. I turn away from him and stare out the window. White clouds greet me. I wonder what it would feel like to lay on one of them
; floating in the sky without a care in the world. Tina Arena’s “Both Sides Now” suddenly plays in my head.
I really don’t know love, do I?
Julian remains quiet, his hand now resting on mine. For such a small gesture, it comforts me. A few more minutes of silence hangs over us before he taps me on the shoulder. Moving away from the window, I sit back staring directly at the white leather seat in front of me.
“Lina, are you okay?” His tone is tender, and it takes everything in me not to fall apart.
Why couldn’t Andrew have just asked me if I was okay?
“I … I don’t know ... I don’t think it has hit me yet. You know when you told me that I needed to do something about my state of unhappiness, I felt angry. I always thought I was content with my life with Andrew. God knows, I knew deep down inside that I wanted more … I need more. The past few years have been difficult. We stopped talking.”
I pause, and my next words surprise me. “Andrew forgot he was in a relationship.”
The flight attendant stops by with a cup of tea. I didn’t ask for one but then realized Julian must have asked for her to bring it over while I stared out the window. “Thank you. After I left San Francisco, I spent the past few days pretending I could lead my life the same way it had been led the past few years. You coming over unannounced didn’t help. Your candor woke me up. And I finally had the courage to confront Andrew. I don’t know if I want to get married. I … I just wanted him to fight for me.”
I continue to eye the seat in front of me and then finally look at my hands that are still shaking. I am nervous as hell. “Well, joke’s on me.” I turn and notice Julian hasn’t taken his eyes off me the entire time. “He didn’t even fight. Not an ounce of him believed I was worth fighting for.” My eyes moisten again. Damn tears, don’t come now. “When I told Andrew I was leaving him, he didn’t even bother to try to stop me. He accepted my departure like I was a student leaving for the next class. I was that forgettable.”
Sipping the tea helps calm me. My breathing slows down. I rest my cup on the tray in front of me. There, there, Lina, I quietly tell myself. Without any hesitation, Julian takes both of my hands, holding them in his. “He’s a fucking fool, do you hear me?” Without responding, I decide to rest my head on his shoulder. It feels right to be here with him. Stroking my hair gently, he kisses the top of my head. “I can’t say I’m devastated that you’ve left him. He wasn’t good enough for you. I don’t know if anyone will ever be good enough for you. Lina, you deserve to be fearlessly loved.”
I don’t know what fearlessly loved means, but exhaustion comes over me and I fall asleep.
By the time we reach JFK, it is almost midnight. I wake up and realize I have a little drool on the side of my mouth. Julian’s shoulder is still holding my head and he’s gazing down at me. An irresistible smile greets me. “You slept through the flight, and you used me as a pillow.”
I raise my head and meet his compassionate eyes, kissable lips, and strong jaw. Damn, he’s beautiful. He’s also attentive, and he’s shown me that even after all this time, he still cares about me. Grabbing a handkerchief from his jeans pocket, he affectionately wipes the drool off my face. The gesture is sweet and I realize I can’t remember the last time Andrew did something so thoughtful. Although I’m slightly embarrassed, I say, “Thank you, Julian.”
Upon departing the aircraft, he insists on handling my carry-on bag. I notice the only things with him are his Hogan laptop bag and a carry-on. As we take the escalator down, I notice a man holding a sign with the name “JC” written on it. We make our way over to the gentleman and Julian never lets go of my hand.
“If you need a place to stay, you’re more than welcome to stay with me,” he offers while nodding to the driver. “I have a guest room.”
“Oh no, no, thank you. I’m going to take a cab and head downtown. I still have the place on LaGuardia,” I add, just now remembering that Roger is away on business.
“I insist that you let me drop you off. Are you sure you want to be alone right now?” He squeezes my hand, waiting for an answer. I swear I could drown in those gray-blue eyes. What the hell is wrong with me? I just left my fiancé and I’m already salivating over another man. He turns his head, and I lose myself staring at his perfect profile. A five o’clock shadow has appeared, and it makes him even sexier. I long to touch the scar near his eye. At some point, I’ll ask him about that sexy scar. Lowering his head, he faces me. We stand here amidst all these travelers, with Julian’s hand still holding mine, gazing at each other without a word. The driver snaps us out of our moment. “Excuse me, sir, do you have additional baggage?”
“No,” he answers, his eyes never leaving mine.
The weather is perfect. Spring in New York City is hands down the best time of the year. As evidenced by the misty dew, it had rained earlier. The drive to downtown is a smooth one. Entering the city from Queens is one of the best ways to marvel at my hometown. The buildings are larger than life, and the city is so mesmerizing at night. Lambent lighting surrounds us, and I wonder what the inhabitants of this exciting city are doing. Are they partying? Are they making love? Are they fighting? Are they planning their next merger?
Downtown, specifically Bleecker Street, is as rambunctious as ever. Patrons stumble out of The Bitter End and some of the restaurants continue to serve while the rest of the country is sound asleep. When the car turns left on LaGuardia Place, my heart starts to beat faster. Placing his hand on top of mine, he says, “Lina, you don’t have to be alone tonight. Why don’t you stay with me?”
“Thank you, but I really want to be in my own home.”
“I understand.” Julian pauses for a second before turning his entire body to face me. “Do you want me to stay with you?” he asks with concern. “I can sleep on the couch.”
Although I laugh out of nervousness, I know I don’t want to be alone right now. “Yes.”
“Yes, what?” he asks unsure of the answer I had just given him.
“Yes, please stay with me.”
Thirty-Three
The strong aroma of coffee brewing is one of the best ways to wake up. Last night was a blur. I recall the soothing sound of Bach’s “Prelude in C Major” in the background. I faintly remember Julian bending down to kiss my forehead. His heady scent surrounding me as he whispered, “I’ll be on your couch if you need me. Sweet dreams, darling.” It was the first time he’s ever called me darling and the thought warms me. The last image I have is of my childhood friend, standing by the door for a few minutes before gently closing it behind him.
Laying in the comfort of my king-size bed in my downtown loft, I take it all in. My bed. My room. My home. My city. And although a part of me aches from leaving Andrew, the other part of me feels revived. As I wipe the sleep away from my eyes, a slight knock startles me, and the door slowly opens. Peering in, a deep voice greets me. “Good morning, sleepyhead. I’m coming in.”
With a large white coffee mug in his hand, Julian looks gloriously delicious. His hair is messy and adorable. And he’s wearing glasses. Sexy, black rimmed glasses that accentuate his beautiful eyes. Clark Kent has nothing on this man. Dressed in only a pair of dark jeans, I need to do a double take and wonder if I am dreaming. He’s shirtless and so clueless as to how he’s affecting me. Walking toward me, he sits on the side of my bed, placing the white mug on the nightstand.
Leaning over, he wipes the hair away from my face before studying me. “How are you feeling? You were pretty gone last night.”
I scoot over to make more room for him on the bed. He touches my forehead and then my cheeks. “Darling, you feel warm. I think you might have caught a cold.” He hands me the coffee while I shamelessly peruse his body. A rush of heat rises to my cheeks.
“Oh, I usually feel hot in the morning because I cover myself with a million comforters.” I gesture to the three comforters on my body. Liar.
It’s all you, Julian. It’s all you.
He laughs. “
Yeah, that’s a lot of comforters. It’s not winter anymore. I don’t remember you sleeping with so many layers when we were younger. Do you really need all these covers?”
I reach for the covers and place them all on top of my body. “Yes.” I admire him from head to toe as he remains seated next to me on my bed. Dirty thoughts come over me. With only jeans on, there’s not much left to the imagination. Julian is HOT. His muscular arms are not too big. His six-pack abdomen reveals not an ounce of fat and his thighs, which are planted on my bed, are strong and firm. There’s just the right amount of hair on his chest. The tips of my fingers wiggle a little. I would love to run my fingers … Oh, for Christ’s sake, just fuck me, please!
“Excuse me?”
I really need to stop this. Lina, get a grip. This is embarrassing. “Oh, I said fuck me. I … I completely forgot to do something.” I bite my lower lip.
Just a few minutes ago, I was despondent over my former fiancé, and now, the man before me has me blurting out things I’ve been fantasizing about for the past few weeks.
“Well, then, what is it that you forgot to do?” Julian inquires although he has figured me out already. He knows I’m nervous. He knows I have no filter. He knows me.
Period.
“Oh, some things I need to do for a friend of mine, but it can wait.” When I reach to grab the coffee mug next to my bed, my breast brushes his arm, and another volt of electricity runs through me. This really needs to stop. When did I become so unbelievably horny? Julian Caine. Yes, Julian is quite pleasing to the eyes. Well, more than pleasing. His smile alone can make any straight woman drop her panties. If I’m not careful, I might be included. But it is so much more.
Something about Julian … mysterious, slightly dangerous, attentive, and sexy … makes me a bit crazy. But this is more than crazy. It is definitely more than crazy when I’ve spent too many sleepless nights obsessing over him while my fiancé slept next to me.