by Tj Hannah
“But he didn’t suck?”
“No, as far as dance music goes, it was solid, I guess. I don’t know. I don’t listen to that shit.” Irritation builds inside my chest, and I don’t know where it’s coming from. I’m pissed at her for suddenly playing the jealous girlfriend card when she’s the one who adamantly kept us non-committal.
“You’re such a guy. I’ll see you at Tobie’s.” She clicks off the line, and I toss my phone onto the passenger seat.
The whole way to Tobie’s little place on the outskirts of town I wrestle my thoughts about Sophia and every now and again Kayla sneaks in there just to confuse me. I’m no further ahead in making sense of it by the time I pull into the driveway, so I decide to say fuck it. I’ll just see what happens, even though I know I should probably just say to hell with all women and take up God or something.
Tobie and Tosh’s little split level bungalow is already busy with people as I walk through the door and realize I didn’t pick up beer or anything. As soon as I walk into the living room I see Garett sitting on the couch next to Tosh, ramming their shoulders into each other as they try to throw the other off. Mario Kart is splitting the large screen, and I make my way over.
“Knock me off one more time, dude.” Garett says gritting his teeth and Tosh bumps him.
“Or what?” Tosh laughs and tosses his hair from his face.
“Or he’ll sue you for defamation of character or whatever you pussy lawyers do.” I shove my way between them and sit, forcing them both to shift over. Tosh high fives me and Garett punches me, which makes his character fall off the edge of the track.
Tosh lets out a huge yell and throws his hands in the air. “Still the God of the Kart.”
Garett rolls his eyes and hands me a beer. “It doesn’t count. Rematch after food.”
Arms slide around my neck, hands down my chest. Kayla leans over me, and I’m momentarily stunned. She’s never affectionate in public. Not like this.
“Hey, babe,” she says and my eyebrows raise.
I lean my head back to look at her, and she bends over to kiss me.
Oh, fuck. My stomach swirls nervously. This is bad. Especially after my day with Sophia. More so, the way Garett and Tosh both look as confused as I feel, embarrasses me. I pry her hands from my body holding her wrists.
“Uh, hey. I didn’t see you come in,” I mumble.
I slip out from under her arms and crack my beer, standing up and pretending to stretch. I scan the room, looking anywhere but at Kayla. Jackson’s here with Becca and her little sister, Jenny, who seems pretty attached to Riley, who seems not interested. As usual. I’ve given up trying to figure out his deal. He’s still in his teacher outfit of khaki’s and sweater vest over button-down, which just looks stupid. Even to someone like me, who thinks fashion is the ultimate waste of time and effort. Tosh’s sister, Kira, and some of the younger girls that I don’t remember from school are around the small table. I didn’t even realize Kira was back from college, and I wonder why I haven’t seen her around as I pass her and ruffle her hair.
“Fuck off, Corb.” She laughs and swats my hand away. Tobie and Brenda are in the kitchen, dancing around each other as they fill chip bowls, pull apart frozen beef patties, and shovel ice into a cooler. There is my way out of this. My clueless cousin. Tobie’s dreads swing around her shoulders, and that Tobie smile is plastered on her face. I’ve never known anyone as accepting and ultimately oblivious to character flaws as Tobie. She was our best bartender until she got pregnant and decided to retire from beer slinging.
Tobie sees me and comes skipping into the living room. “My favorite, big cousin. You made it.” She wraps her arms around me and her belly presses against me. It reminds me of Gaby, strangely, and I miss my sister and nephew, so I hug Tobie tighter.
“It’s been awhile since there’s been a Tn’T rager.” I laugh, and she pushes my chest. The parties here used to be epic. And dangerous. A party here three years ago led to a broken leg which then led to the discovery of swimming as a form of physical therapy to strengthen it back up.
“I’m all responsible and domestic now, haven’t you heard?” She laughs and pulls me into the kitchen. Brenda nods to me, and I notice Riley’s moved out back with Jenny and a few other people we hang out with, watching the flames in the backyard fire pit.
“Well that’s no fun.” I wink at her and grab a handful of chips. “So where’s the guest of honor?”
Tobie rolls her eyes. “Hiding. Most likely. She does that a lot, but today she seemed especially flustered when she came in. Said she needed to shower before anything else.”
“Well, she was hanging out with me, you know.”
“Yeah, true. Women usually need to sit in the shower and cry after spending time with you,” Tobie says and screams as I put her in a light headlock that she easily wiggles out of.
"Hey, hands off the pregnant lady." Brenda snaps me with the dish towel. "If you're in here, make yourself useful." She hands me a bag of tomatoes and I raise my hands, backing away.
"Just passing through." I protest, backing toward the sliding patio doors.
Brenda glares. "That's what I thought. Get."
Outside I light a smoke and lean my forearms on the rail of the deck. Not even three seconds pass before Kayla leans up against me.
“We should get out of here,” she whispers in my ear and slides her hands around my waist.
I catch a brief glance from Riley, whose face reflects the earlier baffled expression of my other friends. No one is used to this from Kayla. There seems to be unanimous confusion at her public affection. I spin in her arms to face her, and she presses against me harder.
“Kayla, what are you doing?” I peel her hands from me and gently push her to arms-length. Her thick bottom lip sticks out in a playful pout.
“What? Are you embarrassed by me?” she asks, taking my hands in hers.
“I always thought it was the other way around.” I try to play it off as a joke, but honestly, I have no fucking clue what’s happening. I’m stuck against the deck rail with my hands still in Kayla’s and I just stare at her like an idiot until I see Sophia standing in the middle of the kitchen. She’s watching me, and I instantly pull my hands away from Kayla and cross them in front of my chest.
Sophia’s cheeks redden, and she looks away but not before Kayla’s mouth turns into a satisfied smile.
“What are you doing?” I ask, acutely aware that Sophia saw everything and that Kayla planned it that way.
This is why I don’t get involved. These girl games spin my mind into a tangled mess and put me in awe of how they can keep it all straight. They’re like criminal masterminds or something.
“I’m proving a point, Corbin.” Kayla’s smirk turns sinister, and she spins quickly on her heel.
“Sophia!” Kayla says, pulling Sophia in for a hug. “Sweetie, come with me. I need to talk to you.” Her voice is sickeningly kind and my gut sinks so low that I feel like I need to look for it under the deck.
Sophia and I lock eyes. She’s silently asking me what’s happening. I wish I knew.
Don’t follow, Corbin, I think. Kayla’s just being a bitch. Don’t follow.
Ah, fuck it.
I have to follow.
Chapter Ten
Sophia
Pulling into Tobie’s driveway, I finally get my heart to slow to a normal beat. My fingers shake, and the only reason I am not having a complete flip out is because the pill I took as soon as I got in my car is still circulating through me. It keeps my hazy confusion just far enough away that I don’t have to deal with it yet. I should have known that today was too good. That it couldn’t have been real.
I lean my head back, but if I close my eyes, I see Corbin, sitting in his truck saying that I’m nothing more than a charity case to the girl he’s fucking. This is too much.
Small, manageable pieces my ass. Corbin is causing more of an upheaval inside me than I need, or want, or can handle. Things are too c
lose to the surface with him, and it has to stop. Before it starts, it has to stop.
I finally get out of the car after the third time Tobie peeks through the living room window. I know there are people here already; judging by the cars lining the street but there’s so much in my head right now I just need to be alone.
I grab my purse and head for the door, flinging it open and making a straight line to my room. It doesn’t take long for Tobie’s smiling face to pop into view.
“Hey,” she says, and I reciprocate while pulling my shirt over my head and grabbing my towel from the pile of maybe-clean clothes on the floor.
“We’re just about ready to start with food. Will you be long?” she asks, but her usually loud voice is softer and more concerned. I must look really pathetic to her.
“I need to shower.” I push past her, worried that my stinging eyes might start forming tears.
I barely make it to the bathroom before the first tears fall, and like always, once the first one gets loose, they shower down like waterfalls. Tears roll down my cheeks and spill off my nose and chin while my shoulders shake vehemently. I slide down the wall and bury my head in the towel, using it as a gag to stop the ragged sounds of my breath. I should know better. I should know better than to open up my life to someone. Outside the bathroom, I hear voices and music. Laughter and happiness seep through the cracks in the door, and I hate it. I hate happiness. I hate when it’s out there, all around me, and all I can think about is that day at the lake. Corbin standing next to me with his hands shoved in his pockets, his head down, exuding pity for me. The dreams, and Lance, and my parents. It’s just all too much.
I can’t believe I told him. Another reason Corbin is too dangerous for me. I almost told him about Lance. So many times since the lake I’ve wanted to tell him about Lance. My throat thickens and I struggle to breathe even at the thought of him. He has haunted my every move for two years and finally, when I thought I found a way to get away from it all, Corbin pulls him to the surface again.
Slowly, I collect myself as well as I can and turn on the cold water. I was never going to shower; I just needed to be alone. I splash my face and the cold calms me. I wet the edge of the towel and hold it against my eyes, my forehead, my nose, to help the swelling in my skin go down. It helps but I wish the swelling of my mind would go down too. Right now is one of those times where I feel legitimately crazy. Like, lock me up for-fucking-ever because I’ll never be like I used to be. I’ll never be normal.
A knock at the door scares me, and I jump.
“Just a minute!” I yell and suck in a deep breath before pulling open the door.
Garett’s tall frame fills the doorway, and he awkwardly takes a step back to let me by.
“Oh, sorry,” he says, his eyes traveling downward... “I didn’t know it was you in here.”
I glance down and realize that I’m just in my bra, forgetting to grab a new shirt from my room. I’m so turned around inside my head; I can’t even be bothered to care. “No worries. It’s all yours.”
His eyebrow rises suspiciously, and I worry that he can see through me, but after a second he smiles and closes the door.
I change quickly in my room before going back downstairs to an almost crowded house. I am sure all these people are not here for me. As soon as I get downstairs I feel Kayla watching me from across the room. I hate that she’s the only girl I know besides Tobie but the fact that I’m pretty sure I want her guy will always keep me at a distance.
Kayla smiles wide and winks at me before turning and walking into the kitchen. My stomach jumps and I swallow hard. Her smile was a knowing one. A smile that says Move in on my man, bitch and see what happens.
I follow her through the tangle of people and watch her disappear through the patio doors. One step further brings Corbin into view, leaning on the railing. Kayla slides her hands around him, and he spins to face her, pushing her back.
It might make me a terrible person, but my heart jumps at the look of confusion mixed with anger on his face.
No, Sophia. This is the shit you have to avoid. He’s no good for you. This is no good for you.
Kayla takes Corbin’s hands and laces her fingers through his. He lets her until his head lifts and he notices I’m watching. I have to force myself not to jump back out of sight but the way he throws her hands from his and crosses his arms tight across his chest slams my lifted heart into my gut.
Kayla turns and looks at me, calling my name. I don’t register anything as she hugs me, then pulls me alongside her back toward the stairs. I shoot one desperate look back to Corbin, but all I get is a blank stare.
Of all the things I’ve endured in my life, this moment might be the one that undoes me.
xxx
Kayla ushers me up the stairs and into the bathroom. Suddenly I’m wishing Garett was still in here, but there wouldn’t be room for anyone else with all the tension that fills every bit of space around us.
“What’s this about?” I pull out from under her arm and back away. Her full lips are stretched thin in a smile, and she shakes her head but doesn’t say anything.
A knock at the door makes her laugh. “Right on cue. They’re so predictable, Sophia. It’s kind of sad.”
“Who is it?” Kayla says cheerfully.
“Kayla, seriously. What the fuck are you doing?” Corbin’s voice sounds muffled through the door.
Kayla pulls open the door and pulls him inside. “So nice of you to join us.”
She’s tough, and I can see it even under the fake sweetness, but there’s something else flashing behind those big eyes. I don’t know what it is. I can’t tell with Kayla.
I do know that the bathroom is big, but not nearly large enough for the three of us. The tension thickens. My breathing speeds up, burning through the oxygen in the room. Claustrophobia takes me over, and I start to shake. I need out. I need air.
I try to step around her. “I need to leave.”
Kayla presses her hand to my collarbone and slams me against the wall.
This is it. I’m going to get my ass kicked in a bathroom by the world’s most psycho non-girlfriend.
Corbin’s eyes get huge. “What the fuck?”
“She needs to stay. That’s the way you want it, isn’t it Corb?” Kayla’s hand slides over my shoulder, down my arm and she grabs my hand. Words cannot express how confused I am, and not because I’m still sort of high from my anxiety meds. I really have no idea what’s happening and my skin prickles as she lightly runs her fingertips over it.
“What are you talking about?” Corbin’s eyes flash with anger. “You’re insane.”
Kayla laughs and pulls me from the wall, spinning me by my waist and pressing my back up against Corbin. He stumbles backward until Kayla has us both against the door. Her fingers dig into my hips as she presses me harder into Corbin’s body.
“So, you don’t want this?” Kayla’s fingers slip under my shirt, but she’s not looking at me. “You clearly want both of us. At the same time. But just not together? I think together might be more fun.”
Kayla’s thumb grazes the bottom of my breast, and I feel Corbin’s body tense.
“Kayla…” Corbin protests but she shoots a glare so fierce that both Corbin and I stop breathing. I now realize I’m being used as a prop in Kayla’s seemingly twisted sex life.
A threesome may or may not be fun, but the fact that I have no choice in any of this doesn’t work for me. This whole fucked up thing that’s happening is not okay with me. Why is Corbin just standing there? Why isn’t he stopping her?
Kayla leans in further and presses her lips to mine. They are unbelievably soft, and shock makes me gasp. My lips part and her tongue slides along them. The sensation is strange. Corbin mutters a string of curses that my hazy brain can’t understand, but it snaps me back into the reality of this whole mess.
“Kayla, don’t.” I grab her hands and pull them from me. Panic at the edge of my mind makes my chest collapse.
> Corbin is still frozen behind me, and I can feel his breath, his chest heaving. I still don’t know why he isn’t doing anything. The bubbling anger that flows beneath my skin is taking me over. I’m vibrating with anger but not just at Kayla. At Corbin now too.
“Oh come on, Sophia. Have a little fun, will ya? Corbin loves this kind of shit. You have to loosen up a bit if you want to keep his attention. Trust me.”
“She said don’t.” Corbin finally comes to life, pushing me to the side and putting himself between us. One hand is protectively stretched across my body, his other is holding Kayla out at arms-length. The sudden protective stance doesn’t help ease my anger toward him.
“You have a problem, Kayla, you talk to me. Don’t pull this shit.” His voice is as serious as I’ve ever heard and it stuns me to silence. Even though I’d like to scratch her eyes out, I can’t help but feel embarrassed.
“I thought this is what you’d want.” Kayla crosses her arms looking pissed that we aren’t feeding into her game. Corbin scoffs, but his arm’s still held out to the side, blocking me.
“What about what Sophia wants?” he asks, and Kayla rolls her eyes.
“Wow, Corbin. Okay, what do you want Sophia?” Kayla asks. The bored and unconcerned expression that forms on her face makes my anger spike. Corbin’s right. What about what I want? What about what’s good for me?
What I want is to be left alone. To stop being pushed around between people. To stop being the reason why everything around me crumbles. I’m a devastation. A typhoon that rips through people’s lives and destroys them.
Corbin and Kayla were perfectly happy together before I came.
I take a deep breath.
“I want you to leave,” I say, and Kayla’s eyes widen at my tone. Corbin looks over his shoulder at me, and my gaze burns into his. This is too big for me. Too much for me.
I step aside and pull the bathroom door open. Music and voices fill the air, and for the first time ever, I’m glad there’s a crowd here. I can’t wait to disappear into it. Without Kayla. Or Corbin.