by Tj Hannah
Maybe it’s not that he always knows what to say, maybe it’s just that he knows what I need to hear. Maybe it’s not women he gets, but just me.
“Ready?” I ask and he nods, taking my hand.
He opens the door, and I glance over my shoulder, the tiny cabin now burned into my memory forever.
xxx
Once we’re outside reality swarms me in its harshness. The sun is bright, the noise of the Bash loud, the wind whips my hair, and we get looks from almost everyone we pass like we’re wearing a big neon sign that says we had sex. But the reality I really avoid doesn’t hit until we meet up with Gaby and Parker. Corbin’s words flood me with one look from his sister. The weight of his tie to my past pulls me down into myself. His mom is Officer Charbenet. I don’t know why he’d think I would be angry. He wouldn’t have known. He couldn’t.
"Are you okay?" Corbin squeezes my hand and I take a deep breath glancing at Gaby.
"I'll be fine. It's just confusing. How we’re tied together. The coincidence of us being us." I gesture to him and then me.
"We'll talk more tomorrow. You can ask me anything. I promise. I just want today to be fun." He says in a way that makes me feel like today is all we have. I force a smile at him.
"We're off to a decent start," I say.
We reach Gaby leaning against a game booth eating a slush cup and her eyes take in her brother with pure concern.
"Corbin," she begins and he waves his hand at her.
"I told her." Corbin's words are flat and Gaby twists to look at me. My heart stammers as I try to decipher the look on her freckled face.
“Mom just called,” Gaby says and Corbin almost crushes my hand with how fast he gets tense. “She told Sophia’s parents what you said. I guess space wasn't in the plan. They're on their way here.”
Every good feeling I have is gone in one instant, and Corbin curses loudly, making everyone around us turn to stare.
“Goddammit Gaby, I asked for one day.” Corbin’s words confuse me, and I look between them.
“I couldn’t exactly give you a big lecture on lying and then turn around and do the same thing to you,” Gaby raises her voice. “You might not have a day. Would you rather I didn’t tell you at all and have Mom show up on your doorstep.”
Corbin bends at the waist, letting go of my hand, but I can’t focus on anything other than my sudden urge to run.
“Mom is coming, too?” Corbin shakes his head. Gaby lets out a long sigh.
“Wow, you two are too perfect for each other.” It’s a harsh statement, and both Corbin and I turn to her with hard stares. “Look at you. You’re both terrified. Have you not realized yet that you’re adults?”
I choke on my breath because I don’t know how to respond.
“What the fuck does that mean?” Corbin glares.
“Corbin, I love you. You’re the best big brother ever, but sometimes you’re a fucking idiot. Just tell Mom you’re mad at her. Tell her you hate her. Tell her whatever you want, but for fuck’s sake just tell her something. She’s your mother.” Gaby doesn’t sound angry, nor is she joking, maybe somewhere in between, but I don’t know her very well, so I don’t know how to take this whole thing. I want to be offended, but something in her words holds me back. She’s right.
“At some point you’re going to have to face this. Both of you. But I’m wondering if it’s really just your parents you’re afraid of…” Gaby continues and my eyes immediately sting with tears, but I fight them back.
“I hate you sometimes,” Corbin pulls his sister into him with one arm and she wraps her arms around him.
“Feeling is mutual.”
“I hate that you’re smarter than me. But I still don’t want to talk to her. I’m still pissed about it.” Corbin pushes away, and Gaby rolls her eyes.
"Whatever, Corb, but you know if you don't this is going to blow up your face. And I’m not smarter than you, I’m a mother. It breaks my heart to think that Parker could ever get to the point where he refused to talk to me. I know you wanted to give Sophia today, and this doesn’t change anything. Have today. Give her today. But tomorrow, step up and face Mom.”
I watch Corbin’s demeanor change instantly. He said after Matt dumped me in the lake that he’d do whatever he had to for his sister. I don’t think until this moment he’d ever thought of it like this. I’m not sure he’s ever truly seen his sister as a mother.
“I’ll talk to her.” His words are quiet and Gaby nods.
“Good. Speaking of mothering, I should probably go save poor Riley from my son." Her eyes scan the big open field crammed with people and sounds and strange mixes of food smells. I do the same until I spot Riley's perfectly disheveled short brown hair and black suit coat. Parker is standing on Riley's foot and holding his arm as Riley talks to someone. He's completely unfazed having a kid hanging off him using him as a swing set. Gaby moves away from us, shaking her head. She calls Parker who looks over at us with the biggest grin.
Corbin turns to me and gives me a sheepish smile. “She’s probably right.”
“Probably. But I’m still mad at them for coming,” I say and Corbin wraps me up in his arms.
“I know. But she’s also right about today. Let’s just say fuck it for one more day.” He dips me low and kisses me as I scramble to throw my arms around his neck. When he pulls back, I smile through the idea of facing my parents. I smile through the fear of telling them the thing I’ve never been able to say. I smile through the memory of Lance.
“Fuck it,” I say and he kisses me again before righting me on my feet.
"Let's go find Tobie and have some fun. I bet you I can beat you at this bean game Parker's been raving about."
I roll my eyes just like Parker did to me. "It's a bean bag game, Corbin. Get your shit together."
He shrugs and winks. "I'll still win."
"We'll see."
xxx
He does win. Every game, against me or anyone else he plays. He lets Parker beat him once, but has no mercy on the rest of us. Garett and Tosh joined us with Becca. Jackson's on duty, and the guys make cat calls at him when he goes by in his uniform. I'm introduced to a ton of people from town that I will never remember. Corbin never lets me go until it’s time for me to meet Kayla and serve drinks. Even Kayla's being nice, distracted by her new toy, Matt.
The sun gets lower in the sky and my cheeks hurt from smiling. It's been a good day other than the looming threat of my parents, but not for any spectacular reason. I only thought of Lance a couple times and mostly because he would have loved this. He would have had so much fun, and as I scrape the foam off the five hundredth beer I pour I decide I'm going to have enough fun for both of us. If he were here he'd be nineteen, and he would charm me into giving him a wrist band saying he was legal. Then he would have found some girl at least four years older than him, and I'd panic, but he'd be so proud of himself.
I tear up at the thought and fill with sorrow, but for the first time in a long time it's almost a happy sort of sadness. I miss my brother in this moment for no other reason than I miss him.
Brenda comes over just after the sun sets and big industrial lights blast their harshness over the field.
"Hey daydreamer, they just closed off the fence to the lake, so now it's party time." She bumps my hip with hers and nods out to the flat patch of grass where people from Mills Lake and all the surrounding towns are dancing to Tosh's mixes.
"What?" I can't hear her well, but mostly I don't know what that means. Caleb walks up behind Brenda and nods at me like he’s really cool for being in here underage. I dont bother to remind him that anyone's allowed in, just can't drink without a wristband. It reminds me of Lance again, and I shake the memory. Focus, Sophia.
"It's eleven. The cops corral us in here kick out the under aged at midnight and stand guard so no drunk idiot thinks it’s a good idea to go swimming. Once that happens, we ditch beer duty and let people fend for themselves. Did you really think we would plan this
thing so that we had to work all night?" She laughs and hands her son a box full of cups, but I just look around. I did think that. I catch a glimpse of the lake, the water rippling into shore, light hitting it in a way that makes it look like it's dancing. Keeping in time with the music. I see Lance’s face, underwater again, and crush my eyes shut. Stop.
"You okay, kid?" Brenda asks, and I force my mind to change Lance's image. I see my brother in a suit before some corporate dinner, and he's teasing me about something. I'm folding his pocket square the way Dad had showed me and Lance's eyes burn into me impatiently. He shifts from one foot to the other before running his thumb across his bottom lip. I had forgotten he did that when he was frustrated. I had forgotten. My eyes fill with tears, and I'm pulled from the memory by an arm around my waist. I think about my parents. I wonder if they remember that about him. I wonder if I’ll have the courage to ask them.
A squeeze of my shoulder makes my head snap up, looking Corbin in the face. His expression filled with concern at my tears. I slowly run my thumb across my bottom lip and let a small laugh bubble up my throat.
Brenda watches me next to Corbin, and I realize I never answered her.
"I'm fine, Brenda. Thank you."
I push up to my toes and kiss Corbin.
"I'm fine." I repeat.
He grabs behind my neck and pulls me in to kiss my forehead. "Dance with me."
He takes my hand and pulls me out from behind the makeshift bar and into the crowd of people. The music becomes so loud I can't hear anything. The people dancing are thick, and I hold onto Corbin tighter as we weave through. The bass thumps from big speakers on tall stands and Tosh nods to us with a big grin as we pass the stage.
We break through the crowd, and Corbin's roommates and friends are all together dancing and jumping to the music. I'm amazed that Parker is still awake dancing with Tobie, who more just sways while he runs circles around her. She winks at me and wiggles her eyebrows and my cheeks heat up. I give her the finger, and she blows me a kiss.
Becca sees me mid jump and screams. She's visibly drunk, and I laugh as she runs at me and pries me from Corbin's grip. She pulls me into the circle and continues to dance while holding my hand. Garett and Riley are bouncing around like only guys can when they dance, half awkward, half joking over-sexualized movements. Gaby keeps a close watch on Parker, dancing for a bit then reprimanding him for a bit.
Garett throws an arm over my shoulder and forces me to dance while Corbin joins Riley and Gaby. It's a random time for self-discovery, but in this second I've never felt more of a sense of belonging in my life from this group who I barely know. I feel like a piece to their puzzle, like I just fit. I move stiffly, and Garett shakes my shoulders yelling at me to loosen up. When Parker grabs my hand and jumps up into my arms with complete trust that I'll catch him, I lose any reservations I have left about my place here. I'm no longer the new girl. I'm no longer the new Sophia, or the old one. In this moment, I feel like it’s good enough to just be Sophia.
That's what I need to tell my parents. It's good enough to just be me.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Corbin
At four in the morning, Tosh finally unplugs the system, and a few school busses we hired come to pick people up and take them home. The bar has rented the little cabin to stay at, so Jackson gives us a stern lecture before he goes to his squad car to patrol the highway between the Lake and town. No one has ever been injured during one of these, and we try to keep it that way.
Sophia shoves a couple trash bags into my drunk and exhausted hands. "Aw, baby can't we clean up tomorrow?" I try to pull her into me, but she wiggles from my grip.
"No, we clean now. If everyone fills a bag, we'll be done." She holds out a bag to Garett and Riley while they groan.
"Have I ever told you how sexy you are when you talk responsible?" I grab at her again, and she smacks me.
But she's right, and it takes all of us minus Tobie, who's been sleeping in the cabin with Parker since midnight when the younger people had to go, a little over an hour to pick up all the plastic cups and garbage from the field. By the time we toss the last bag on the pile, the sun is just peeking over the trees, and warm air is blowing in from the lake.
"Who's up for a swim?" Tosh strips off his jacket and pulls his shirt over his head without unbuttoning it. By the time he's pantsless and sprinting across the grass, everyone else is already half naked.
I don't move. Sophia tenses, gripping my wrist. I curl her into my side.
"I'll stay with you. Do you want to go somewhere else?"
Her face is flat, but her eyes swim with fear.
A scream rings out through the air and Sophia jumps. Garett has Gaby over his head and dumps her in the water. Sophia shakes her head.
"I need to get used to it. Like your sister said, I have to face it at some point. The whole world isn't going to stop going into the water just because I lost my brother." She sighs and takes a shaky step away from me. "But I should grab my purse, just in case."
She runs to the cabin and I make my way to the water, watching my friends. I sit on the beach, and when Sophia gets back, she settles between my legs. I give her my suit jacket and she lays it over her lap, leaning back onto my chest. Every so often I feel her tense when someone goes under, or yells or laughs too loud.
“Have you thought about seeing your parents?” I finally ask, because I can’t stop thinking about what I’m going to say to Mom. She nods her head.
“Almost non-stop since I found out they’re coming.”
“Are you thinking about running?”
She laughs, and I’m glad she takes it as a joke, but I’m almost more afraid of her leaving than I am of Mom coming back.
“To tell you the truth, yes. It was the first thing that crossed my mind. But I do need to talk to them. I wish they weren’t coming. I wish they waited for me to be ready, but I think maybe if they did, I would have just kept running.” She grips my forearms, still wrapped around her shoulders. “Plus we’re still figuring out that thing I do to you, remember? I can’t run until I have the answer.”
"Oh, I think I’ve figured it out." I laugh and kiss her head, but my stomach swirls. She turns her head to look at me, her eyes big and expectant, but I’m not sure she’s expecting this. The truth. Looking at her, I know what that thing is, but I’m overtaken by raw nerves every time I think it. Since the first time I saw her wrestling a sweater through a window, I had to know her story. From the first word I said to her, it’s been easy to let her in on my own story. I've never cared how much I impacted someone's life until Sophia. My actions have never been guided by the reaction of someone else. My actions are mostly to cover up others' actions. Rich's words float through me.
Your every action will be for her and her alone.
I hold in a smile and shake my head. Rich. That bastard was right.
I wrap my arms around Sophia's shoulders and put my lips to her ear.
"I think I'm in love with you," I whisper and her breath catches, her head tilting further to completely absorb me with her eyes, her mouth slightly open in surprise. I was right; that was not what she was expecting. I get lost in her expression and lean down to kiss her parted lips. "No, scratch that. I'm definitely in love with you."
She’s about to speak when her eyes flick over to the side. Tobie comes into view holding one of Parker’s hands as he rubs his eyes with his other. He and Tobie were sleeping by midnight, but it looks like neither of them has slept in days.
My nephew says nothing as he moves to Sophia and reaches out to her. She sits up, lifting my coat and Parker crawls onto her lap, wrapping his arms around her neck. She tucks the coat around him and looks over to Tobie who shrugs.
“He was asking for you,” she says sleepily. “You’re his shiny new person.”
Sophia smiles and leans back against my chest. My arms go around both of them, and within minutes Parker's fast asleep. I sit there, watching my friends, holding my girl and m
y nephew, listening to splashing water broken up with voices and Parker's soft snores. I don’t recall ever feeling this calm before. This centered. I kiss Sophia’s head, and she shifts against me.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” I say, and she shakes her head.
“I wasn’t sleeping. Sorry I didn’t answer you.”
“Answer me?”
She tightens her arms around Parker who still snores against her chest. “I feel weird telling you I love you with a child who looks a little like you sitting in my lap.”
I laugh, resting my chin on her head. “Fair enough.”
“But I do.” She whispers it. “I definitely do.”
Tosh comes out of the water and sits in the sand next to Tobie who’s lying in the sand using his coat as a pillow. Her eyes open and she pushes herself into a sitting position, yawning. Tosh wipes sand from her cheek before pulling her into his side and rubbing her belly.
“What a gorgeous morning. Too bad I’m going to have to be hungover later today.” Tosh laughs and shakes out his hair. Garett comes out next, wiping water from his face and stumbling through the sand. He bats his eyes at me, ruffles my hair and says awww as he passes me. I give him the finger. Garett makes fun of me for everything, but something in his expression says It’s about fucking time. He always hated that I was with Kayla.
“Nothing against her, dude,” he had said just a few weeks before Sophia showed up. “I just think it’s getting old, you know?” He wouldn’t look at me as he took a drink and I remember being pissed, thinking he thought he was somehow superior because he was going to some fancy school.
“Yeah, fuck you too, douchebag.” I laughed, and he shrugged his shoulders.
“We’ve been friends forever, Corb. I’m just sayin’” That was the end of it. The subject was changed.