by Harlow Brown
I sent her a text
Me: I’m home. Where are you? Can you talk?
I waited for an answer and nothing came in the time I found appropriate.
Me: Rumor, I’m sorry you were hurt, but I’m not sorry I did it. You’ve come to mean an awful lot to me and I wasn’t going to put you in harm’s way, or subject you to any situation that could have gone south. The less you knew, the better.
I waited longer, and nothing.
Me: It was good while it lasted, yeah?
I put my cigarette out and looked up to the sky as if answers were going to fall on my head. I took a deep breath and headed back inside.
Mag and Sax dealt with Sully and were out disposing of him at ol’ man Cluck’s farm. I went back to the truck and got Chief’s urn. When Charlie girl saw it, her look took me by surprise. She is usually is so collected, but this was just out of the ordinary for her.
“Fury, is that what I think it is?”
“If you think it is a cremated body, then yes.”
“Oh boy. This is more difficult than I thought.”
“I can put him in my room, that way you don’t have to see it. As soon as the guys get back, we’ll decide what we are going to do with him. I don’t want to make it awkward for you. You’re being so generous to let us crash here til’ we figure out our next move.”
“It’s not a big deal. I just didn’t expect to get hit in the feels as hard as I did. It’s like seeing the urn made it final, ya know?”
I get it. I understood all too well. She wouldn’t understand the bond that we had and how things are never going to be the same again.
“Don’t, don’t look at me like that. Remember, I lost my parents on the same day. I do get how hard this is. Don’t give me that patronizing look. I might not know your story, but you sure as shit know mine. I know it’s not easy, so don’t think I can’t empathize with you.”
“I didn’t say anything,” I said, shocked.
“You didn’t have to. Your face said it all. I understand loss and pain, okay. I could probably give you a lesson or twelve. You need to realize that you aren’t the only one that loved him. Everyone else did, too. I hadn’t known him long at all, but you know what? Because of him, and you too, I got to put an end to a very dark and sad chapter in my life. I will always be grateful and thankful to Chief. He didn’t have to help me out, but he did because of who I was with.”
“I will put him somewhere, so you don’t have to see him.” I said as if the urn was Chief in his physical form. I knew I owed her an apology, but I wasn’t ready to admit that I was being a selfish asshat.
“Thanks. If you want, you can put him in the garage. I’m not using it, so you can have it as a make shift clubhouse. I won’t go out there, so you all can have him with you there. Just a thought.” She said and turned away. She stopped on a dime, turned back and said to me, “Go find her,” and she left.
Like I haven’t been trying to find her since I have been back?
Chapter 21
Rumor
HE WAS BACK. I heard the truck and the bikes as they pulled through the gates of Acres. I wandered out into the vastness of the estate, because I needed to be away from all the drama. I thought about the mystery woman who had been in my house, I wondered who the hell Eric was, and why Fury had this picture of a beautiful girl? Furthermore, why was he eyeballing it as if he lost a friend? Oh, the mysterious Fury. If there was another woman involved, I don’t think my heart could take it. I knew deep down it wasn’t Fury’s fault that I was suddenly jealous, but something about seeing the person who you were planning to spend the rest of your life with have another woman’s clothes at the feet of the bed you shared, made one’s mind wonder. If Fury was hiding something, he had to come clean. I couldn’t take anymore secrets or drama. I needed normalcy. I needed stability. I needed truth.
I got the text messages he sent but didn’t have a clue how to respond. How was I supposed to just say, oh by the way, that whole I don’t care who you were before I met you thing, yeah well it matters now. I understood how it sounded , and I knew he wasn’t ready to tell me anything. I wish I didn’t want to know, but all the shit with Creed, the disappearance and the surprise woman, spurred my curiosity. I had to know. I have the right to know so I can protect my heart from any further heartbreak. I would be totally broken if I found out something that was detrimental later on in the relationship after I had fallen in love.
Fury: I’m not giving up. Reply.
I chuckled because I know in his mind, he thought that was sweet. He wanted me to know he wasn’t giving up, and I admired him for that. It gave me a sense of false hope. I knew for sure that he wanted to see where this went, but what if he couldn’t tell me what I needed to know? Then what happened?
Me: I’m hiding in the woods. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I am wrapping my head around some things.
Fury: Too bad. I’m coming to find you. The place is fenced in, it won’t be difficult. You can either come out here, or I’m coming in after you.
So much for being alone. I headed back because I knew that he would do just that, and I might as well face him now. When I entered the cleared part of the yard, I saw him standing there, all six-foot-ridiculous of him, his back to me. He was wearing his cut and white tee shirt, his arm muscles bulged in the sleeves, and his reddish-brown hair hung down. It was a sight to see.
“What was so important that you had to see me this instant?” I startled him.
He turned around and stopped dead in his tracks.
“What?”, I ask.
“You look…”
“I look what? Pretty, upset, confused, hurt, angry, or is it just exhausted?”
“All of it, but mostly beautiful.”
“No. Uh-uh. No flattery here buddy. I have been more than nice and patient with you, and now I have some things to say. You wanted me, you got me. You might want to sit for this.” I walked past him and made my way to the gazebo.
He followed me at vampire like speed, and when we got to the gazebo, he kissed me like he was trying to tell me how sorry he was. I pulled away and tried to catch my breath. My mind was total mush.
“Ahem.” I cleared my throat and straightened my hair. “It’s good to see you, too. Now listen.”
“Can I…”
“No. It’s my turn. First, I don’t care who you are. You don’t get to decide if I stick things out with you. I knew good and well what the complications were. I knew you could go to jail. That you weren’t exactly on the up and up with this trip. Relationships take work. They are two-sided. The way you left me was lopsided. You took away my voice, and that isn’t fair.”
“I didn’t want you in the crosshairs if something went south. I was protecting you.”
“What happens when you make a shine run? Huh? Are we going to break up every time you have to do that? This is not going to work. If you’re in, you’re all in, or you’re all out.” I stopped and took a deep breath because I was scared of how this was going to end. “Which brings me to my next topic. I thought I could live without knowing things about your past. I overlooked things and thought your past was just that. Then Creed happened, and I found out much more than I ever knew about him. He was my best friend, Fury, the one I wanted to marry. I didn’t know him at all. Then he brought some other girl into the home that we shared shortly after he pledged his love for me.”
“Rumor…”
“When we last spoke, you dropped something.” I reached in my pocket and handed him Eric’s picture. His face became long and ghostly white. His eyes widened, and he stared at it.
“Fury, I have to know. There are so many secrets already that I am not comfortable moving forward with you, until some things are out. It’s not fair. It’s no fault of yours. I know I said it didn’t matter, but my sucky life happened and now I need answers. I’m so sorry. I know you weren’t ready, and I will probably lose you over this, however, I have to know. With everything that happened to me in the last
two years, and specifically in the last two weeks. Who is the girl in this picture? Who is Eric?”
I took a deep breath and felt like a weight had been lifted. Then I saw his face. He was tormented, torn, battling something I couldn’t help him with.
“Rumor, it isn’t that easy. I want to tell you. I can’t tell you.”
“Okay. Why can’t you tell me?”
“I can’t say that either.” He scrubbed his hands up and down his face and started to breathe heavy.
“I can’t be kept in the dark anymore. I deserve to know the whole story, to know all of you. You get all of me. Do you not trust me enough? What else do I have to do to prove myself? Tell me, damn it.” I said as I felt the unwelcome tears start to form.
“It’s not you. This is why I didn’t want to get involved. I’m a secret. My whole life is a goddamned secret that I can’t tell. I have too much at stake and some important people depending on me. There, are you happy?”
I stared at him as the tears flowed freely down my face, leaving stained cheeks in their wakes. Why couldn’t he trust me? What had I done that I didn’t deserve his trust?
“Why did I have to fall in love with you?” I said in a quiet voice, as I shook my head and walked away. I wanted him to stop me, to tell me not to go. I wanted him to pour his heart out to me. I kept wanting. He let me walk. If I couldn’t have all of him, I didn’t want any of him. I knew that was a lie. I wanted what I could get, but I knew I deserved the whole package. I longed for a relationship with no secrets. I wasn’t settling this time. I was honest with him, and it wasn’t too much to ask for the same in return.
I quickly made it to my room and shut the door. The floodgates opened before I could prepare for them. Pained sobs escaped my lungs, and I fell to the floor clutching my chest. Why did it hurt so bad? We weren’t even together. Perhaps I was finally grieving the secrets of my past. Why did Crosby kill himself? Why did Creed not tell me he wanted to be a U.S. Marshall? Why did he leave me with no explanation? Why couldn’t Fury trust me with his secret? What was so big and bad that he wouldn’t share it? It didn’t matter. He couldn’t share his story and I wouldn’t settle anymore.
I managed to get off the floor after a good cry, sat in the window sill and stared down at him. He didn’t move for a long time. He stared at the photo. The photo held secrets to his past, perhaps the one that held the answers to all of my questions. I swore I could hear him talking, but there wasn’t anyone around. I couldn’t bear to look at the sad sight below me. I wanted to help him, but he had to let me. It was all up to him from this point. I was going to see if I was worth the risk, which posed another question, what was the risk? I got in my pajamas and crawled into bed where I continued to weep. The sobs had subsided, but there was a steady stream of silent tears. I cried until it all went black.
Chapter 22
Fury
IT HAPPENED. IT finally happened, the day I knew would come from the minute I first saw her. I knew it wasn’t fair to her, but she said it didn’t matter. I knew better. It always matters.
This was the confirmation that I was serving a life sentence for being stupid. I wasn’t worthy of Rumor. I wasn’t worthy of anyone. I gave that up when I got involved with the Ray brothers. If only I knew then what I know now. I’d have left that shit alone.
I lit a cigarette to try and soothe my nerves, while I stared at Daisy.
“I’m so sorry. I have caused so many lives to be affected from my fuck up. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was making some quick money selling some shit that I had no business messing with. Then the Ray brothers intervened and screwed me over. God, Daisy, I’m so sorry.” I said out loud. No one was around, and I didn’t care at this point. I needed a drink, something stronger than beer.
I went to the kitchen and found some Crown Royal. I didn’t even bother with a chaser. I turned it up and watched the bubbles rise from the fast pace I guzzled it. I welcomed the burn, it was distracting, and I temporarily forgot about the shit storm that was my life. I took another large swig of the whiskey to help drown the memories. It wasn’t helping. The memories of everyone I had loved and lost were swirling in my head. All the reminders of the mistakes I made were running rampant, and the hurt of everything was clawing its way into my throat and had a death grip. I felt like I was suffocating. No matter how hard I tried to forget, no matter how far away I was from the origin of these problems, no matter how deep I got into the bottle, the memories were stronger than the whiskey.
With my head a perfect, fuzzy place of chaos, I made my way, bottle in hand, back to the gazebo. I needed to be where I could smoke myself stupid and drink til’ I could purge everything that had haunted me for the last few years. I put a cigarette to my lips and clicked the lighter until the yellow flame shot up. I stuck the cigarette into the flame and inhaled the heat and smoke from it. It burned but felt so good. I exhaled the warmth and took another swallow of the alcohol.
I leaned my head back and shut my eyes. Everything was starting to spin.
“You still don’t listen I see,” I heard a familiar voice.
“What the”
“Yeah, numb nuts, it’s me. Seems as if you are going to fuck up royally if I don’t come to you once more. I told your stupid ass not to let her go. How much clearer do I have to be?”
“Goood to know the booze is-uh workin’.” I stuttered.
“It ain’t the booze, Fury. It’s your president, your friend, your mother fucking brain, apparently. There is no amount of booze that will make this go away. You see, you have nowhere else to go. You are stuck here, and so is she. Fix it. She deserves to know you, and you deserve to have her. She would give you everything you thought you couldn’t have if you would just tell her. What have you got to lose, huh? A past? Don’t even say you are protecting Daisy and Eric. Wake up. I was the president of an outlaw MC for God’s sakes. You really think those Ray brothers are still a problem? After you proved your loyalty, I handled that. You’re welcome. You have nothing to lose except Rumor. I hope she has mercy on your dumb, drunk ass. You won’t get another chance with her if you don’t make it right, now. I’m telling you to trust your gut, or if you are too chickenshit to do that, at least trust me. I never lied to you or steered you wrong.”
“You took care of them…like forever? Daisy is going to be okay no matter what?”
“Yes. So, you can tell her everything and it won’t matter. She won’t tell anyone and even if she did, there is a paper trail that says you are Legend. Eric is dead, remember? So even if she did, which she won’t, she would look like the crazy one. Face it, Eric is gone, forever. It’s time you buried him just like the whole damn town did when you left.”
I stared at the bottle in my hand and hung my head.
“That’s going to hurt in the morning. I’d watch how you let your head hang and bobble tonight. Man up. You know what you need to do. Trust me.”
The voice was gone. I looked around, turned my head, and the world took a second to catch up. Everything was tilted and moving, only I was sitting still. I tried to get up and walk, but I had no legs. Well, I did, but they were worthless. I manually lifted my foot with my hand and watched it fall to the wooden floor of the gazebo. I felt nothing. After Chief left, I achieved what I set out to do. I drowned the memories. It took a fifth of Crown, but those bastards were under water now. I sat outside with the empty bottle and watched the sun come up over the tree line.
It seemed like just a few seconds then I heard, “Is he dead?” followed by a poke to the arm with a thick finger.
“Fury? Dude wake up. Did you party all alone?”
“Why are you yelling, damn it.” I looked around and tried to blink the fuzzy away.
“I’m not yelling, but I oughta.” Whiskey said.
“Why you gotta be a dick?” I asked as I stood or tried to stand. I fell right back down.
“I went to see what was wrong with Rumor. She woke me crying this morning. I came to find you. By the looks of things,
you are the cause of her tears, and she is the cause of your all-night bender. By the way, from the smell of things, you’re going to need a Gatorade. Trust me.”
“Why do I keep hearing that?”
“What are you talking about?”
I found a moment of clarity in my head full of fog. If I told him I had talked to Chief, he would have me committed.
“Nothing.”
“Come on. Let’s get you inside. You need to sleep this off, but first you need a couple of ibuprofen and a Gatorade. I’m not sure how long you were passed out, but it wasn’t long enough. You’re still fucked up. Up ya go.” He helped me to my feet.
I stood and pushed him away. I walked to the door and pulled it open. Coffee and breakfast filled my nose, and I had an overwhelming urge to puke. I stumbled my way up the stairs and fumbled to the bathroom where I purged the things that needed to be purged last night. Mission accomplished, it just took longer than expected.
Once I was done calling the dinosaurs, I looked in the mirror. Staring back was a decent looking dude, that was slightly wobbly, but it was so clear. I knew what I had to do. I would talk to Rumor. If nothing else came from that epic meltdown, I did remember Chief telling me that I needed to not let her go. It was going to have to wait til’ I got some sleep, because a heavy wave of exhaustion blanketed me, and I had to find my bed. I felt like I was carrying the world on my shoulders.
Chapter 23
Rumor
I HOPED I would feel different this morning, but no such luck. I woke with pain in my chest and sad thoughts on replay in my mind. I missed what could have been. We had to pretend like everything was as normal. I would find an apartment or another place to rent so I didn’t have to stay here with Fury. My heart couldn’t handle being near him.
I went downstairs for coffee. I stopped in the bathroom, and as soon as I opened the door, I instantly shut it. My nose was consumed with the stench of alcohol and vomit. I think the smell had burned in my nostrils. Who the hell was so drunk they threw up? I thought for a second and then it hit me. Fury. Was he upset, too? Did he want to tell me about his past? It didn’t matter. He didn’t and that spoke volumes.