“Be a better man for Sara, Jack! You are my brother. I didn’t understand you when I was younger, but I do now, and I love you for all you did for me. Please, Jack, don’t go down that dark road again, not even for our daughter.”
“I love you, Uncle Jack. You are my hero. I’m asking you to let him go, be happy again, and smile. I’m going to need you when these babies are born. They are going to love you just as much as I do.”
“I’m not leaving you, Jack, but I am taking a break. I need some time to myself to think some things through, and I can’t do that here with you. I’m sorry.”
“If you were so sorry, then you would stay and talk to me.”
“And say what? You are an island, Jack, tucked away somewhere off the coast of nowhere, and I’m not invited to visit. I have tried, but you stopped me at every turn, so I’m going to go to my own island for a while and take a long vacation from our life…or at least what it used to be before Nicolette was raped.”
“Jack! Wake up! Come on, baby. Please come back to me. You need to wake up!”
I was startled and sat up quickly, banging my head against the headboard. I screamed, “Dammit! Fuck! I can’t do this anymore.”
She looked terrified. I couldn’t believe we were here again. I kept hurting my wife over and over again, and her look was always the same.
“I’m sorry, Sara. It was a nightmare.”
What else could I say? It was the truth. It had been all my life.
“Yes, I know. You were thrashing your body all over the bed. I slipped out to bring you breakfast and found you like this. We need some help, Jack. Don’t you think it’s time you talk to someone about these nightmares and terrors? You are choking on them and struggling to breathe. I see it, Jack. I live it with you, and I hurt for you. Please, I want nothing more than to understand you. Will you finally talk to me?”
“Yes, I think I have to.”
I couldn’t eat even if I wanted to. I left her to wait for me in bed while I scolded my skin in the shower. The hot water was nothing compared to the stinging pain of the words forever imprinted on my heart: Nicolette was raped…I need a favor Jack…You did good…The message you sent, he will never forget…Who are you?…My son would be here with me, and not with the likes of him.
Just as I expected, Sara was right where I left her. She looked beautiful. She patted the spot next to her and invited me over. I climbed into our bed and found solace in her arms.
“Sara, I need to tell you something, but before I do, I need to ask you to please hear me out completely before you make any judgments or decisions based on what I’m about to reveal. Can you do that for me?”
“I will do anything for you, Jack. You know that.”
“Does that include to stay with me forever? To not walk out our door? To fight for what we have together? To see the man before you who has loved you since I was a boy who didn’t know any better, but tried to be better for you? This is what I’m asking you, Sara. Can you do that?”
“I will not leave you, Jack, no matter what you tell me.”
“You’ve done it before.”
“That was different, and you know why I left.”
I did know, but I still pushed her to challenge me.
“Michael St. Clair is dead.”
There, I said it. Now I had to wait. She didn’t say a word. Not a blink of her eyes, no tears fell, and she made no move to leave my arms. I moved slightly to touch her, and again, she didn’t pull away and, taking me by surprise, she leaned in to kiss me on my forehead.
“Thank you, Jack, for telling me.”
What?
“You knew? All this time, and you knew about Michael?” I asked.
“I did.”
“And you didn’t talk to me about it. Why? I’ve been in hell over this. My greatest fear in life is to lose you, and I’ve been trying to tell you but I just couldn’t. And then you got sick, and all I wanted to do was take care of you.”
“I know, Jack, and I’m sorry you had to go through that, but it wasn’t my place to confront you with it. It was yours. This has been our problem all along. You close yourself off to everyone around you, including me. You hide behind the walls you put up in the name of protecting me from harm. The only one that can truly hurt me is you, Jack, and it will be by you pushing me away. That reason—and only that reason—is why I left you. That’s why I compared you to an island, because that is exactly who you are and what you are. I can’t be that person anymore who fights for every crumb you decide to throw at me when the mood strikes. Either we are in this together—and I mean all-in with no walls between us—or we part ways, and I will love you forever, just not with you.”
“I’ll never let you go, Sara, so don’t even try. I will tell you anything you want to know if it means keeping you here with me. Please just ask what you’ve been wondering all along.”
“I don’t have to, Jack, because I trust you and believe you.”
“You shouldn’t, Sara. I don’t deserve you. I invited an angel to the devil’s bed a long time ago, and I’ve been trying every day since then to live up to the man you need me to be.”
“You are everything I need. I am not perfect, Jack, and I am far from being an angel. Please don’t break yourself down anymore. You are a good man, the man that I love more than anything else in this world. If you had a choice to believe just one thing I have ever said to you, then please believe that I love you.”
“You still didn’t ask me,” I said.
“Do you need me to say it?”
“I do.”
“Did you murder Michael St. Clair?”
“No.”
“Did you have him killed?”
“No.”
“Did you want to?”
“Yes.”
She exhaled and left our bed, grabbing her robe and tying it tightly around her as if it was a shield to protect her. Sara walked over to our window and stared out to the city we loved so much. I knew better not to go to her. This was Sara working out all that was revealed to her. My fingers were itching to touch her, but I feared I would be rejected. She would be repulsed by me. I didn’t kill him, but I’m just as responsible for his death…his blood was all over me.
I couldn’t wait any longer. Her silence was deafening. I threw on my pajama bottoms and walked over to her.
“Please, Sara, talk to me. Say anything.”
She turned to look at me with her arms crossed over her chest and said, “You’ve been tortured and tormented for so long now, Jack, and I’ve remained by your side doing everything humanly possible to comfort you. I’m not so naïve in believing that I wasn’t aware of your past and who I was marrying. I knew, and I loved you despite of it.”
“Sara, I…”
“No, Jack, let me say this.”
“Can I touch you?”
“No, you may not. Not yet.”
“I wish I could have given you children. You will never know how much it devastated me when I was told I couldn’t.”
“That didn’t matter, Sara, not to me. As long as I had you, then I was okay.”
“Jack! Let me talk. We should have tried harder for children. We could have adopted. We could have gone back to Italy where you were born. Orphanages all over the world have unwanted children for couples like us to love. You chose me, Jack, above your desire to be a father. I knew what that cost you inside, but yet I didn’t do anything to convince you to try. Then you did the most unselfish act of kindness. You gave your brother a chance to have what you desired most: to be a father and have a child with his wife who he loved with all of his heart. Don’t you see, Jack? Nicolette being born saved you in more ways than I ever could. That precious girl broke down your walls and found a place in your heart and forever changed you. It was beautiful to experience that blessing with you.”
She continued, “You never believed you deserved anything for yourself: not love, not peace, and certainly not forgiveness. Your past is your past, and you have owne
d up to every sin you say you have committed. You pray to St. Francis when you don’t think anyone is close enough to hear you. Well, I have, Jack, and even when I was sleeping, I heard you pray for me but never for yourself.”
At that moment of listening to my Sara bare her soul to me, I collapsed to the floor and wept. I just had no strength left to hold onto. I needed to release this pain once and for all. All of it that had been wrapped around my heart like jagged chains, piercing me every time I tried to break free from it.
Sara’s love and honesty had broken through, and I was finally able to come up for air. She kneeled beside me, wrapping her arms around me. I welcomed her touch and felt safe in her arms.
“I didn’t do it, Sara. I didn’t hurt anybody. I won’t sit here and deny that I didn’t wish him dead every single day, because I did. I wanted to be the one. I wanted my revenge. I wanted him to bleed and suffer until he took his last breath. I wanted all of that, Sara. What kind of monster does that make me? I’m no better than him.”
“That’s not true, Jack! Wanting and doing are two very different things. What he did to Nicolette was unimaginable, a brutal act of violence that no woman should ever have to go through. It was never up to you to make him pay for what he did to Nicolette. You must know this, and that fact has been the one constant in your life. It has controlled you all of these years, and it forced you to push all of us away. It is not your fault what happened to her. You are not God, not this invincible force to control every little thing. No one has that power…no one. Your life is unfinished and defined by your past. Change it, Jack. Hold my hand, and walk into the light and free yourself once and for all.”
“Jack, forgive yourself for your parents. For Mason. For me. For Nicolette, and even for Michael St. Clair. He too was someone’s child, and there is someone in the world grieving over him. We are not meant to understand why people do what they do in this short life. All I know is what we have right here now. Forgive yourself, Jack, and together we will handle everything else waiting for us beyond our doors. No more hiding from me. No more running.”
“You just don’t know what you are saying, Sara. There is so much more to my life than what was said here today. You will leave if you know the truth.”
“No, I won’t. Dammit, Jack!”
I didn’t see it coming, but I certainly felt the sting of her slap against my cheek.
“Ow! My hand. Your face is like a brick wall. Dammit, Jack, that hurt.”
And just like that, the black clouds that were above me parted, and there was warmth. The sun was shining down on me, and I allowed myself to feel. Laughter burst from deep inside of me, and the sound of it resonated throughout our entire home.
“Do you think this is funny? I need ice. Ugh! I can’t believe you. Men! Here I am, pouring my heart out to you, and you are laughing at me. Stop that!”
She couldn’t help herself and began laughing along with me. I needed to feel and believe all that Sara had said to me. She had no reason to lie to me. She was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I would make new promises to her today. I did it once, and I would do it again. I would break free of my past and stay in the sun with Sara.
“I love you, Sara.”
“I love you too, Jack. Sorry for slapping you, but you deserved it.”
“I did, and it was just what I needed.”
We went back to our bed and held each other for the rest of the morning. We were both drained and needed sleep. She was still here after I revealed my darkest secrets to her.
“Jack, are you awake?” she asked.
I didn’t answer with my words. I kissed her in return. We couldn’t make love, because she was still recovering. So this was the next best thing, just holding her and keeping her body close to mine.
“Jack, what happens now? Are you in danger?”
That woke me up, and I had to bite my lip before answering.
“How do you want me to answer that? Because no matter what I say will hurt you to some degree.”
“I believe I have proved I can handle it Jack, so please just say it.”
“Very well. As of right now, I’m under investigation by the FBI. The lead agent is someone I have never met but I’m connected to from my past. I’m told he is out for blood and will not rest until I am prosecuted for Michael’s murder and the rest of my sins. Shall I go on?”
“Yes.”
“His partner is not a stranger to me, as we consider him to be family. Simon’s brother, Jacob, is the other agent assigned to the investigation.”
“Oh shit! Shall we contact our lawyer?”
“I don’t think Sal specializes in capital murder cases.”
“That’s not funny, Jack!”
“I wasn’t trying to make light of it, Sara, but I need a defense lawyer on standby in case this gets bad and I get charged.”
“You’re not going to be. You didn’t do it.”
“But I was out in California during the time of his murder.”
“What? When did you go?”
“After you left me.”
“Oh my God! We always end up back there, don’t we? If I hadn’t left, then you wouldn’t have gone to California. This is my fault!”
“The hell it is! Stop it right now with this foolish talk, and don’t you dare cry! We will find a way out of this nightmare, and we will be okay. After everything we’ve been through to get us here, I will not settle for anything less. Please wait here, I have to show you something.”
I threw some clothes on and ran downstairs to my office safe. I found what I needed and went back to our bedroom. This would be hard to relive with Sara, but I vowed to be honest and not hide anything from her. She made some coffee for us and asked me to eat with her. I declined food, but I did accept the coffee.
“What is this?” she asked after I slid the envelope to her.
“It’s an outline, a very descriptive blueprint of Michael St. Clair’s intentions for Nicolette once he was released from prison.”
“No, after all this time he was still obsessing over her?”
“I’m afraid so. I’m sure this isn’t all of it, but it’s what we have been able to obtain from his cell. I don’t know what the FBI has on me, or Michael, for that matter. What this file contains proves beyond a reasonable doubt that it was not over for Michael and his obsession with my daughter. It also can prove that I had the intent to murder him or have him killed.”
I watched Sara shakily open the envelope and begin flipping through the stack of letters, surveillance photos, and newspaper clippings, all of Nicolette. She covered her hand with her mouth and began crying.
“This is sick, Jack. How was he able to get away with this? He never stopped stalking her, even from the confined walls of that prison. He never intended to let her go. He was coming after her, wasn’t he?”
I put my head down and stayed silent.
“Wasn’t he?” she repeated. “Answer me, Jack.”
“Yes. He was coming for her.”
“And you stopped him?”
“Indirectly, yes.”
“Does Nicolette know any of this? Have you told anyone besides me?”
“No, she doesn’t know. This is why I flew out to California. I needed to see her and make sure she was safe. We talked for hours, and like you, she knew I was struggling. She asked me to let him go and move on with my life. I wanted to believe that I could. I came home to Chicago, and then Max told me about Michael, and then where to find you. I left the next morning, and you know the rest.”
“He can’t hurt her anymore, Jack. He can’t hurt anyone. I’m so sorry you ever had to go through this on your own. I’m here now, and I am not going anywhere. Whatever happens, we will face together.”
The next few days, I stayed home with Sara. She finally convinced me to open the bar, which made our customers very happy. The big games would be on this weekend, and it would always be a full house.
Sara’s health was doing better, and although I did
n’t like it, she went back to working in her kitchen. Ramone was the happiest to have his jefa back, which meant boss lady in Spanish. She always laughed when he called her that. I didn’t mind, because I got to hear her beautiful laugh.
I also made a bold move and called my brother. He was guarded at first, and then we were able to talk respectfully with each other. Of course he knew about Michael, and at the time upon hearing the news, Nicolette and Simon were still away. I was never more thankful to hear that. I hadn’t spoken to Nicolette since my trip to California. I expected I would soon. I apologized to him and to his wife, who I asked to listen in when I apologized to my brother. Our disagreements had strained our relationship, and I had to make amends to his wife. Christina and I were always close. She cried happy tears that we were finally able to move past our anger.
Massimo and I didn’t resolve everything. We would need many days to accomplish that feat. He never once asked me about Michael and if I had any involvement. All he said was that he was happy he still had a brother in his life, and he would try very hard to make amends with me. The conversation didn’t go beyond that, and we ended our call.
Max was my liaison with Dominick. It was better to keep our distance from each other and my connection to the Carlucci family. I couldn’t completely cut my ties to them, as it would be almost impossible. I explained all of my reasons to Sara the best way I could. She said she understood, but I knew she was also frightened for us.
Then there was Jacob, and what I now knew about his fiancée’s murder. I could never disclose what I knew fully to him without incriminating the family. Her own father’s actions led to her death. How could Chief LaRocha look himself in the mirror every day and not want to shove a gun down his own throat?
Tommy seemed a bit off today, kind of restless. I noticed as I walked up behind the bar.
“What’s up boss? Can I get the usual for you?”
“You tell me, Tommy. And no thank you to the drink.”
“Boss? I’m not sure what you mean?”
“Sure you do, now spill it. You’ve been cleaning that damn counter for over an hour. It’s clean already. You haven’t taken your eyes off the front windows, and you are dropping more glasses quicker than I can replace. Answer my question. What’s up?”
An Unfinished Life Page 23