“Well, for the cannon, of course!” I said with a “duh” shrug.
“Ah, yes, the cannon.” She just stared at me.
“MOMMY!” a tiny voice screamed. It was a shriek that gave me goosebumps. It sounded like some little girl was getting stabbed to death. I looked at Joan with fear in my eyes. “MOMMY!”
She moved slowly and rolled her eyes. “Here,” she said and detached the infant girl from her breast and handed her to me. She yanked her shirt down and walked into the next room.
And there I was holding a baby. A little tiny beautiful creature that for a second made me want one. But then I heard a noise and looked up at the little dog in the living room. It had been busy chewing on something in the corner when we came in. It was a gray fluffball that stood maybe a foot and a half tall and was about ten pounds. He was bent over funny, coughing and gagging.
“Just as I thought. She needed her Dora movie started over again,” Joan said calmly. I pointed to the dog.
HAK! AUF! HORK! The dog was really fighting to get something out. Joan leaned one arm on the counter and calmly watched. “Should we help him?” I asked, concerned.
“No, the little turd probably ate something he shouldn’t have again. He does this. He’ll get it out … and I’ll have to clean it up,” she said with another eye roll. “Serves you right! Maybe stick to the dog food for once!” she scolded. “This is the part where we make bets on what it is and who it belongs to.”
I kept watching. The dog was still horking. His stomach was pumping hard! “We’re getting close now. I’m going with Victoria’s sock.”
HAR HAR HAAAAACK! Out it came, a pile of … not sure. The little dog ran off, and Joan went in for a closer look. “Shoot! It’s not a sock, it’s a diaper. I lose!”
I had to turn away. I was starting to gag, too. “Honey,” Joan warned. “If you throw up, you’re cleaning up your own mess. I don’t do messes after the age of thirteen.”
I did my best to hold it in. I waited with my back turned until she got it done. I saw a bottle of air freshener on the counter, and I grabbed it and sprayed. The smell was worse than the sight.
After she washed her hands she peeked at the baby. “You may want to tip her up, if she hasn’t burped yet.”
“Oh, okay,” I said and reached under her arms. She was two months old, so she was still very soft and wiggly. I tipped her head up and pulled her close to my face for a closer look. “She is so pretty!” I said. “Oh! She opened her eyes! Hiiii!” I squeaked at her. “Oh, are you going to smile for me?” I asked.
“Nope,” Joan started, “that’s not her smiley—”
At that very moment, that precious, tiny, beautiful baby, that couldn’t have weighed more than ten pounds, spit up. Not just spit up, PROJECTILE vomited at least twelve ounces of breast milk onto my face. Most of which shot into my mouth!
I was frozen with fear! OH, MY GOD! I didn’t know what to do, I had it in my eye, my mouth, down my shirt … I spit out what was in my mouth, and reached out to pass the baby to Joan. She quickly set her on a blanket on the living room floor and rushed back to me.
“Oh, my God! Let me help! I’m so sorry!” She pulled me to the sink and said, “Here, swish and spit!” She turned the water on and grabbed a cup from the closest cupboard. I leaned forward and started washing my mouth out. Meanwhile, she reached behind me, grabbed my shirt and in one swift move un-tucked it, and pulled it up and over my head. It took like a second!
“Drop your arms by your sides!” she demanded.
Still leaned over the sink, swishing a mouth full of water I dropped my arms. She yanked the shirt completely off, rolled it up and threw it in the other sink bowl.
“Here’s a rag, and there’s baby wash by the sink. I’ll be right back with a shirt for you.”
After about fifty swish-and-spits and a wipe-down, I was feeling a little better. I looked down at myself. I still had some milk puddled in the middle of my breasts, caught in the underwire. I turned away from the sink towards the light and reached the rag in there to wipe it out.
“BOOBIES! AHHH! I SEE BOOBIES!” I heard a little boy yell. There, in the corner of the kitchen, stood another little boy. This one was about six years old, and he was staring at me with a huge grin.
I quickly covered myself with the rag, which didn’t cover much at all. “Shoo!” I said and waved my hand at him.
“Boobies, boobies, I see your boobies!” He sang in a teasing tone. And then he started dancing, smiling and pointing.
Joan came back into the room and shot him a stern look. “Charlie! Go outside and play!”
He turned to the door and sang the song all the way out. “Sorry,” Joan said with a giggle. “That one’s still working on manners. And he’s obsessed with boobies, which is funny because out of all my kids, he’s the only who wouldn’t nurse.” She shook her head and shrugged.
“Here,” she said and tossed me a t-shirt. “You can keep that. It’s my husband’s, but he won’t wear it. I looked through my closet, but they’re all maternity clothes.”
I held it up. It said “TEAMSTER” in big blue letters across the front. “Thanks,” I said and quickly threw it over my head. “Sorry about exposing your son.”
“Oh, please! Don’t worry about it. It’s a phase, and anyway, he’s used to seeing me nurse all the time.” She went to the sink and rinsed out my shirt. She offered to machine wash and dry it, but I told her I had to get back.
After she put it in a plastic grocery bag, I grabbed it and the fuses and started towards the door. I stopped by the baby, tickled her tummy and thanked her for the gift.
Just as I was slipping my shoes back on, the door burst open and in came both boys. “I wanna see her boobies too!” the four-year-old demanded. Joan lunged at them, but they took off out the door again.
She winced a smile at me. “Sorry,” she said with a giggle.
I laughed. “We’ll get together soon, and I’ll tell you all about the cannon,” I said with a wink.
“Okay,” she said, holding the door open for me. “Or, you know, I get the newspaper, so I can just watch for you in there,” she teased.
“Good grief, I hope not!” I said and waved goodbye. “Thanks for the fuses!” I walked to my car, opened the door and threw my stuff on the passenger’s seat. To my left I could see the two boys hiding behind the swing set. They were smiling. I waved as I drove by and they ducked back more. She sure has her hands full, I thought as I drove slowly down the winding driveway. I felt something nudge my foot and looked down. HUGE FROG!
I pulled my feet up and swerved a little. Eww! I looked down at it. It was hopping all around trying to find a way out. I was going to have to put my foot down and hit the brake to stop the car. Ahhh! I really didn’t want to but I was running out of driveway. Another fifty feet and I’d be at the county road.
Finally it hopped to the left. I swiftly put one foot down, slammed the Jeep to a stop, threw it in park, whipped open my door and jumped out, all in under two seconds!
Outside the Jeep, I did a little icky dance to shake off the cooties. There was laughing coming from the swing set area. “I see you, and I know what you did!” I yelled. The boys turned around, mooned me and then took off running to the trees. I was speechless. I reached down and grabbed the frog out and set it in the grass. Then I did one more icky dance and climbed back up in the Jeep and drove home.
Back home I quickly got the stuff out to make cherry pies. I started with washing all the cherries and pitting them. I really should have done that before I froze them because now they were all mushy and soft. It was much easier to do when they were fresh and firm.
After about thirty minutes of that, I got bored. My plan was to do two pies and a cheesecake all at once and get it done, but now it seemed like more work than I planned. I really just wanted to curl up on the couch a watch a movie. I got a can of diet Mountain Dew out of the fridge and cranked the radio up. I sauntered back to the kitchen.
I
was making the sauce for the pies when my phone rang. It was Kat, a friend from the Cities. I hadn’t talked to her in forever.
“Hi!” I answered.
“Hello, stranger. How are you?” Kat asked.
“I’m good,” I said. “Busy, but good. Sorry I haven’t been in touch lately.”
“It’s okay, all is good here. Same stuff, different day. I’ve been on a few dates with West, though!”
“Faith’s vet? Really? How’s that going?” I asked. I was excited for her. She hasn’t had much luck in the dating field the last few years. A few months ago she came with to a vet appointment for Faith and met Doctor West Riggers.
“It’s going good! Really good, actually that’s the reason I’m calling. We’re going to be passing through Nisswa on the way to his cabin about a half-hour from your place on Saturday afternoon. I was thinking we should get together.”
“Yes, for sure! That’s so cool that he has a cabin nearby. Why don’t you guys come here for lunch on your way through?”
“Are you sure? We don’t want to impose, but he’d love to see your place, and see Pepper and Faith again.”
“Derek will be here too, it’ll be fun. Let me know when you’re on your way so I know what time to expect you. I’ll plan for a meal,” I told her. We talked a while longer. I didn’t tell her about the strange stuff I was involved in, but I did fill her in on my head and ankle. I just told her I stepped wrong and twisted it. When she came on Saturday maybe I’d tell her. I didn’t want her to think I was any more crazy than I already looked. By the time I disconnected with her I was ready to put the pies in the oven. I set the timer and decided to wait on the cheesecake. I was ready to be done.
After I cleaned up the kitchen, I went and took a quick shower. I swear I could still smell baby puke. Then I threw my jeans back on and went to my closet and got an old t-shirt and sweatshirt of my own. I picked a black one. I must be planning for easy hiding later. I was pretty sure I’d just heard my evil twin giggle.
On my way back to kitchen, I heard a car door. Pepper got up from his spot by the fireplace and proceeded slowly to the door. I opened it to Miss Kitty. Pepper sniffed her and went back to his bed by the fireplace. He was the laziest dog I’d ever known.
“Welcome back!” I said, stepping aside.
“I got ’em!” she said, holding up a bag. We opened up the package and looked at them. “I think we should go try it out right now,” Miss Kitty said with a smile.
“Mmkay!” I said and slipped my shoes on. I went to the bathroom, just in case it got super exciting, and then waited for Miss Kitty to go. It was after two thirty already. The day was flying by. It was nice and sunny out still, slightly chilly but nice for May first.
I carried the fuses, and Miss Kitty grabbed the gun powder packets. “How do you know if we got the right ones?” I asked her.
“The guy at the store helped me. He was a little stunned when I told him I needed it for a cannon.”
“I bet.”
“He looked me up and down twice, stopping at my high heels and breasts for a few seconds. I didn’t know what size cannon I bought, so I used my arms to show him, and he laughed at me. Then he had to talk with two other guys at the store. They thought these should be big enough. He wanted to know what I was shooting at and how far. I said it was really just for show and for fun, and that we’d be shooting into a yard.”
“What did he say?”
“He asked how big the yard was. I told him we’d be starting from on a ship a ways out on water and the yard was huge and far from town. He said that cannons can fire at 1,000 feet per second.”
“Really?”
“I guess. But ours is small, so I don’t think we’ll get more than a few feet.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right,” I agreed. “I remember the one they used in the Sweet Home Alabama movie. That one was way bigger than ours and that didn’t fire very far.”
“Right! I remember that.”
We went out to the pontoon and looked at the directions that came with the cannon. Miss Kitty opened the bag and handed them to me. I read them out loud.
1. Cover the air vent to choke the barrel and suffocate any sparks that may remain from previous firings. Failure to do this may result in the cannon firing when it is not safe for it to do so.
2. Insert a damp sponge rod into the barrel of the cannon to clear out any hot debris that may remain in the barrel from previous firings. This may seem like a waste of time, particularly in a real war situation, but it is another necessary safety measure.
3. Ready a charge by removing the charge from its bag and placing it down the barrel of the cannon.
4. Ram the charge down to the base of the cannon’s barrel using a ramrod.
5. Insert a cannonball into the cannon.
6. Remove cover from the air vent and carefully insert a priming wire (fuse). Be certain to insert the fuse deep enough to make contact with the charge, but not so deep that you cannot light it.
7. Aim the cannon, taking into account distance, trajectory, and wind speed.
8. Light the fuse, and run away.
“Well, that seems easy enough!” Miss Kitty said. I nodded in agreement.
“I forgot to grab a lighter and a scissors for the fuse. I’ll be right back,” I told her.
When I opened the door to the house, I heard my phone ringing. It was Tannya so I answered. “Hi!”
“Hey, girl. Well, I can’t seem to find the guys anywhere. They said they’d call me by two thirty. It’s way past that,” she told me with a whiny voice.
“Well, their raft is still out here, and they’re not, so they can’t be too far.”
“Still, they should’ve called by now.”
“Well, why don’t you come out here? Miss Kitty bought us a new toy. We’re going to break it in right now. If you hurry we’ll wait for you.”
“Oh, boy! Really? Okay, I’ll be right over. I have everything I could possibly need for the day in my car already. I’m on my way!” I could hear the smile in her voice now. Personally, I thought the guys were using her for information and treasure and didn’t need her anymore, but I didn’t want to tell her that and break her heart.
I stuck the phone in my pocket, found a lighter and scissors and limped back out to the pontoon. Miss Kitty was sitting in the driver’s seat with the radio on, bobbing her head to the music. She looked like she was having fun.
“Ready?” she asked me and stood up.
“We have to wait for Tannya,” I told her. “She’s on her way. The guys never called her.”
“Oh, was she mad?”
“It seemed like it, but I told her you’d bought us a new toy and we’d wait to break it in. I didn’t tell her what it was, though.”
“Oh, she’ll be so excited!” Miss Kitty said. “I have one other surprise that should be coming soon, too,” she said as she looked at her smart phone.”
“What is it?” I asked. Miss Kitty had lots of money so I couldn’t imagine what she had up her sleeve now.
“You’ll see. It should be here in the next half-hour.” She smiled at me and looked excited. I was excited too, with this little devil side that had made itself at home in me, I didn’t really care what it was. I was in the mood to break some rules and be naughty.
I set the stuff down on the seat and asked her if she wanted to wait inside for Tannya since it would be about twenty minutes before she got here.
She said yes, amd that she was getting thirsty, so we headed in. Dang it, my ankle was really hurting again. I was limping more and more as the hours passed. I guess my Tylenol had worn off. It was throbbing by that time we got back to the house.
“You’re limping bad. Is your ankle hurting again?”
“Yes, bad.”
“How’s the head?”
“That doesn’t hurt too much unless I bump it, but my stiches are itchy.”
We went inside and Miss Kitty grabbed a glass of water and a “happy pill” from her p
urse and told me to take it.
“Oh, I don’t know. Last time I got pretty crabby when I took one,” I told her, holding the pill in my hand.
“Nonsense, these are happy pills! If you were crabby, it was probably from the pain, or being tired. It wasn’t from the pills. Just take one this time.”
I remembered the pain going away completely last time, and I really liked that. “You’re probably right.” My evil twin agreed, and I swallowed it. Oh, well, if I was crabby, then too bad. It would wear off eventually.
Miss Kitty had me sit in the living room with my foot up and an ice pack on it while she made hot cider with cinnamon Schnapps. She brought me a mugful and joined me on the couch. We both took a sip and sank back in relaxation.
A few moments later I heard a rumble outside. Miss Kitty got up and walked to the window, along with Pepper. Faith was already on the window sill and looked out, too.
“Yay! It’s the Fed Ex truck!” She skipped to the entryway and disappeared through the door.
I waited anxiously on the couch until she finally came back in with a medium-sized box. I could tell by the way she carried it that it wasn’t too heavy.
She smiled and said, “We’ll wait for Tannya.” She set it down by the couch and reached for her cider.
18
Oh man, I’m too excited to wait!” I said. Then my phone rang. I reached in my pocket and pulled it out.
“Hello?” It was my Aunt Val.
“Hey, chicky, just checking in. How are things over there?”
“Things are good. Why?”
“Oh, ya know, I’m in charge of customer service and such, and Captain’s driving me crazy with all his demands. He’s starting to annoy me.”
“Really? Why, what’s he demanding?” I asked her.
“Well, he asked me to call you and see what you were up too. He didn’t say why. He just said to get a feel for your plans for the day.”
“Why does he care what I’m up too?”
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