by Karen Clarke
‘I did call, but you weren’t picking up.’ Elizabeth’s voice was sharp, though her expression was soft as she sat down and bounced Finn on her corduroy-trousered lap. Recalling the note, I’d looked at her more closely than normal, realising with a jolt that I didn’t know her that well. There was something self-contained about her, a barrier that was hard to break through, despite the friendly façade. I remembered Dom saying that having Finn was the first time he could remember his mother being fully engaged with him, as though he’d finally achieved something she could relate to. I knew he and Natasha had grown up in Christopher’s shadow, the tragic death of the brother they’d never known always at the forefront of their mother’s mind. My little angel, was how she used to refer to him. Forever perfect; the embodiment of hopes and dreams that would never be realised. I hadn’t fully absorbed Dom’s comment at the time, but not long after that, she’d upped her campaign for us to move out of London so we’d be closer and she could help with Finn.
‘I was worried, which is why I called Dom.’ Elizabeth’s voice had pulled me out of my scrutiny. ‘He wanted to come home but I managed to persuade him there was no need, once he’d got hold of you.’
I was certain Elizabeth hadn’t called me, that I’d have heard the ringtone even though the café was noisy, yet when I pulled my phone from my pocket, I could see I’d had a missed call from her.
Dom had been torn between relief, and bewilderment that I’d left the door on the latch before going out, having forgotten his mother had planned to drop off our dinner. ‘It’s a good job she did,’ he’d said, voice strained. ‘Anyone could have let themselves in.’
After Elizabeth had gone – I insisted Finn needed an afternoon nap – I’d searched once more for my keys, finally locating them in the front pocket of Finn’s baby bag at exactly the same moment Dom walked through the front door after leaving work early.
‘I couldn’t concentrate,’ he said, which I interpreted as an accusation, though he swore it wasn’t. ‘I’m worried about you, Sophy.’
I recalled how I thought I’d spotted him from the café window, but it hadn’t seemed a good time to bring it up, or tell him about my conversation with Liv and her offer to be Finn’s nanny.
Now, Dom brought our son through from the nursery and laid him next to me on the bed, checking my face as if trying to read my mood. I had a feeling he was going to ask me again to make an appointment to see the doctor, so I sat up straight and made myself smile at him. ‘I’ve found someone to help.’ I lifted Finn to nestle against my shoulder. He immediately went rigid, twisting his head to look for his dad.
‘Help?’ Dom paused in the act of pulling a tie from the wardrobe.
‘A nanny,’ I said, laying Finn across my legs. I tried to clap his hands together, but he resisted. ‘It’s Liv.’
‘Your lunch date?’
I wondered how many Livs he thought I knew. ‘She’s desperate to leave her current job.’ I smiled as Finn finally relaxed, curling his fingers around my thumbs. ‘Evie’s dad has been coming on to her.’ Dom made a face. ‘It’s Gary, actually.’
He spun around, eyes widening. ‘Our neighbour, Gary?’
‘The one who came for dinner with his wife.’
Dom’s mouth turned down. ‘I must admit, I didn’t like him that much.’
I felt a burst of relief that he was on Liv’s side.
‘They never invited us back to theirs.’
‘Would you have wanted to go if they had?’
‘No, not really.’
‘Me neither,’ he admitted with a grimace.
Encouraged, I said, ‘I felt sorry for Liv. And she’s great with Evie and Finn. She’ll be a good nanny.’
‘We could ask my mum to help out more and it won’t cost anything.’ He fastened his tie and swept a hand round his jaw as he settled his gaze on me. ‘You know she’d love to be more involved. You only have to say the word.’
‘She has her own life, Dom, and does so much already. It’ll be good for Finn to see someone new and I think Liv and I could be friends.’
That seemed to clinch it for Dom. To no longer have the spectre of his lonely, friendless, listless wife hanging over him at work must seem like a gift. He nodded and said, ‘In that case, let’s give it a try.’
‘She wouldn’t live in,’ I rushed on, in case he changed his mind. ‘She’s moving back to her mum’s in Stevenage.’ I suddenly remembered her telling me about her brother Ben’s death and the way she’d looked at me for a reaction. My emotions were blunted with tiredness sometimes and I hoped I hadn’t come across as heartless. To have lost her brother so young … it was hard to imagine the devastation. I wondered how old she’d been when it happened and made a mental note to ask her.
‘Did you discuss payment?’ Dom said, aiming the words at his reflection.
‘Sorry?’
‘How much does a nanny cost?’
‘I said I’d talk to you before we went any further.’
He nodded, smiling at me in the mirror. ‘Do whatever you think is best for you and Finn.’
‘I’ll call her today.’
Having finished dressing, he pressed his fingertips to his lips and placed them on Finn’s forehead, just as his phone vibrated on the dressing table. He snatched it up and looked at the screen. The groove between his eyebrows deepened.
‘Work?’
For a second, it was as if he hadn’t heard me. He kept staring at the screen, before switching his phone off and shoving it in his trouser pocket. ‘I’ve got to go,’ he said absently, as if he’d already left, and only when he’d run downstairs and the front door had shut did I realise that, for the first time I could remember, he hadn’t kissed me goodbye.
Once Finn was fed – with minimal fuss – and safe in his playpen, I called the number Liv had stored in my phone. I was about to hang up when she finally answered, sounding out of breath.
‘Sorry, I’ve been for a run.’
‘That’s OK.’ I remembered with a pang when I used to go running, enjoying the empty streets first thing in the morning, the way putting one foot in front of the other seemed to free my mind. I’d invariably arrive at work feeling energised, while my colleagues were still rubbing sleep from their eyes. I hadn’t needed to drink so much coffee to stay awake back then, unless I was on a work deadline. ‘I’ve spoken to Dom,’ I said. ‘He’s happy for you to come and help out with Finn.’ It sounded better than using the word nanny. As if we were on a more equal footing; less like employer and employee.
‘That’s great, Sophy, you won’t regret it.’ The words came in a rush, as though she’d been holding her breath. ‘I’ve left Lavender Drive.’
I felt a pinch of alarm. ‘Already?’
‘Gary tried to grab me when I got back yesterday, then told his wife I’d been coming on to him.’
‘Liv, that’s terrible,’ I said, horrified. ‘Do you think you should report him?’
‘No doubt they’ll get what’s coming to them. Bad people always do. I believe in Karma.’ Her voice was airy, as if they were the least of her problems. ‘They’re welcome to each other.’
‘What about Evie?’
‘I do feel bad and I’ll really miss her, but maybe instead of going shopping and spending hours in the gym, Clare will spend some time with her little girl.’
‘I hope so.’ As if I was qualified to comment on someone else’s mothering.
‘Was everything OK yesterday?’ Liv said. ‘You left the café in such a hurry.’
I hesitated, not wanting to put her off by admitting I hadn’t locked the house before going out. ‘Just a mother-in-law emergency.’ I tried out a wry laugh. ‘Nothing I couldn’t handle.’ There was a long pause at the other end. I wondered whether I’d said the wrong thing. ‘So … you can start right away?’
‘Whenever you like.’
A surge of something blossomed in my chest – excitement, or hope maybe. It was the idea of having someone new on my side. ‘To
morrow morning?’ I reached for my jar of coffee. I’d been so busy with Finn I hadn’t had one yet. ‘We should probably discuss payment and hours first.’ I didn’t want her to feel as if I was somehow superior. At Apex TV, everyone had worked as a team and that’s what Liv and I would be. Team Finn.
‘Let’s play it by ear to start with,’ she said, something in her tone matching my own. It must feel good to not have to worry about finding another job. ‘What sort of time?’
‘Nine-thirty?’ That would give me time to get up and dressed, get Finn ready. I tried not to think about Elizabeth’s reaction to me hiring a nanny.
‘I’ll be there,’ Liv said. ‘Maybe you could have some time for yourself while I get to know Finn better. Meet your husband for lunch. I bet you haven’t done that for ages.’
It seemed an alien idea, like flying to France for the day. ‘Maybe.’
When she’d rung off, I curled up on the sofa, still in my dressing gown and sipped my mug of coffee. Watching Finn pull himself onto his hands and knees, I murmured words of encouragement. When he beamed, tears filled my eyes. ‘Beautiful boy.’
A yawn took hold of me; the morning lethargy setting in. Determined not to succumb, I unlocked my phone and sent Dom a message. He kept his mobile close and always replied. Not that I messaged him often. How about lunch tomorrow?
I imagined his look of surprise and wondered how he would explain it if anyone was looking. Just my wife. You’ve probably forgotten what she looks like.
Love to, but got meetings all day. He added a sad face and a red heart emoji. Talk later. Love you. Kisses to Finn xx
Disappointment flooded through me. I opened my emails and read the last one from my friend and ex-colleague Isaac, sent a month ago. Come into London and have lunch, I miss you x
I’d been avoiding responding, unable to raise the enthusiasm for a trip into the city, not wanting him to see me in such a state. Not stopping to think, I typed, Still on for lunch? How about tomorrow, 1 p.m?
He replied straight away: Who is this?
Smiling, I typed back, Your favourite historian.
In that case, yes, I am. The usual place?
Please x
For a second, I felt lighter, that small contact bringing me back to myself, but tiredness dragged at my edges, pulling me down and I felt powerless to resist.
‘It’ll be fine,’ I said to Finn, through another wide yawn. ‘You’ll have a nice time with Liv. You might even like her better than Nana.’ I gave a sleepy chuckle, even as I acknowledged that Elizabeth wouldn’t like that. Watch Elizabeth. I wished I hadn’t seen that stupid note. I would throw it away later, I decided. Pretend it hadn’t happened.
I settled against the cushions, a warmth in my belly that had nothing to do with the coffee I’d drunk. ‘Things are going to get better,’ I murmured. ‘I promise, Finny-baby.’
I’d have a look at some job sites online, once I’d done a bit of housework and put some washing on – see what was out there for someone with my skill set. I’d been stuck in a rut for long enough. It was time to make some changes.
But first, I needed a little doze.
Chapter 15
Liv
A smile crossed my lips as I recalled telling Sophy yesterday that I was on a run. Truth was, I’d simply rushed up the stairs to answer my phone. I don’t know why I lied. Maybe I wanted her to think I had a life. But it boded well how easily lies tripped off my tongue.
I pulled my dressing gown tightly around me, and stared out at the jungle of a garden that had once been a haven for Ben and me. Dad had kept it nice back then, a neat lawn with flowering borders. It was small, but enough space for a swing, and a paddling pool in the summer. I wiped away a tear with my fingers. Crying wouldn’t help. I needed to stay strong and resolved. I would be inside Sophy’s house by half-nine, caring for her child. My plan may not bring Ben or Dad back, it may not make Mum walk again, or even stop Ryan drinking his life away, but it would sure as hell make me feel a whole lot better.
It was almost nine when Freya arrived. She had her own key, and I found her in the hall, hanging up her grey anorak, when I headed downstairs dressed in jeans and a blue sweatshirt, ready to descend on Sophy’s world.
‘You’re here early.’ Freya pushed her wayward curls from her face, and smiled as she bent down to slip off her boots.
‘I’m going to be living here for a bit.’ I grabbed my jacket and shrugged it on. ‘Mum’s in the conservatory on her laptop.’ I decided not to tell her where I was heading. She’d seemed keen that I left Sophy alone. I opened the front door. ‘Bye, Mum,’ I called. And before Freya could say another word, I dived into the cool air, and closed the door behind me.
‘I’m here,’ I said, giving a jazz wave when Sophy answered the door, my overly bright behaviour feeling unnatural. Finn was in her arms crying, and she was still in her dressing gown, her eyes red, although from tears, or a restless night, I wasn’t sure.
‘Hey, little fella,’ I said, stepping in and holding my arms out to Finn. He came to me instantly, and Sophy sighed with what sounded like relief. ‘Now go have a shower, and get ready to meet your gorgeous husband for lunch,’ I said to Sophy. ‘I’m guessing he can’t wait.’
‘Actually—’
‘Just go.’ I flicked my hand towards her, and laughed, hoping the sound wasn’t as false to her ears as it was to mine.
‘Are you sure?’ she said, as I closed the front door behind me.
‘Of course, that’s why I’m here, silly.’
She smiled, and I felt a tiny pang of guilt. She did seem helpless. No, pathetic. She had everything, and was still absolutely pathetic.
‘I’ll make some tea, shall I?’ I said.
‘I drink coffee – the instant kind, but yes please.’
‘Anything for you, your majesty.’ I said it lightly, but it was not how I meant it.
‘Thanks,’ she said, clearly missing my tiny snipe. I needed to be more careful. ‘I’ll get ready. I’m heading into London.’ She sounded excited suddenly, her face brightening.
‘That’s brilliant.’ I jiggled Finn on my hip, as he tugged at my hair. He was a dear little chap, who only seemed to cry when Sophy was holding him. ‘We’ll go to the park, won’t we, Finn?’ He beamed up at me, and I wondered for a moment what would happen to him once I’d ruined his mother’s life. But then he had Dom, and Sophy hadn’t cared about my family when she broke my brother’s heart.
Sophy appeared half an hour later dressed in a shapeless green dress that did nothing for her figure, but matched her eyes and made her red hair stand out.
‘You look great,’ I said. She did. Make-up and a shower had revived her skin, and her eyes looked brighter. I suddenly cursed my poor judgement. Giving her the chance to meet Dom for a romantic lunch maybe wasn’t such a good idea.
I deliberately made two mugs of tea out of spite, knowing Sophy would be too polite to decline it or insist it should have been coffee, and I was right.
She took one sip, before looking at her watch, and placing the mug on the breakfast bar. ‘Let me show you where everything is. I’ve jotted down Finn’s routine, which Elizabeth insists I stick to.’ Something crossed her face, a flicker of doubt, and I wondered if she was thinking about the note. Had she shown it to Dom? I felt sure he wouldn’t like it if Sophy started doubting his mother. ‘Though he’s pretty flexible,’ Sophy continued. ‘He has to be as I’m not very organised.’
Once she’d showed me round, and we were standing in the lounge, she took a deep breath. ‘Right, I’d better go, I’m catching the 10.45 to St Pancras, and it’s a good twenty-minute walk to the station.’ She grabbed her bag, and shoved her phone inside.
‘OK, well have fun then.’ I looked at Finn straddled on my hip. ‘We will won’t we, sweetie?’
She kissed Finn’s head. ‘I feel so guilty leaving him,’ she said, touching his cheek. ‘Are you really sure this is OK?’
‘Just go,’ I said, with a laugh that
sounded more natural this time. For God’s sake, just go.
‘Thanks, Liv.’ Her smile reappeared. ‘I so appreciate it.’
‘Don’t be silly. I’m working for you, don’t forget.’ I followed her into the hall, where she slipped on her coat. ‘Whereabouts are you heading?’
She furrowed her forehead. ‘A little Italian restaurant on Prebend Street in Islington.’
‘Lovely,’ I said, as she left.
As the door closed, I looked down at Finn in my arms, and back up towards the staircase. I couldn’t wait to explore the house.
I made my way into the lounge and put Finn in his playpen. And, after a moment, he stopped staring up at me with wide eyes, and picked up one of his exploration blocks and shook it in his little fist, making gurgling noises. I looked about me. This house was so quiet, too big, so I picked up the remote controls and turned on the TV, and quickly searched for kid’s programmes, finding Octonauts, which grabbed Finn’s attention.
Photographs of Finn, and one of Sophy and Dom’s wedding day, lined the high mantelpiece, and a professional picture of them all when Finn looked to be about three months old, hung on the wall near the door. I headed towards it, placed my index finger on Dom’s face, and moved it slowly down his cheek. He reminded me of an actor in Grey’s Anatomy, though I knew it wasn’t just about looks for Sophy. He seemed the caring type – the opposite of Gary. ‘She doesn’t deserve you,’ I whispered.
Finn was so engrossed in the bright colours on the TV, I left the room, and headed into the kitchen, where I made myself another cup of tea, before climbing the stairs. I knew which room was Sophy and Dom’s, from when I took her necklace.
The curtains were pulled back, and the brightness of the day lightened the room. The door of the en suite stood open. I made my way towards the dressing table, and put down my mug. Sophy didn’t seem to have a lot of make-up, unless she’d got it tucked away somewhere, but there was a bottle of Coco Chanel, that looked barely used. I sprayed it on my wrists and neck, before opening a drawer, looking for some sign of Ben and Sophy’s relationship, wondering if there might be an old photograph, at least, tucked away somewhere – or had Sophy been so heartless she’d scrubbed everything about him from her life and memory, not wanting any reminder of her part in his death?