by Karen Clarke
‘Hello, Olivia.’ It was Kim. I hadn’t seen her approach, or I’d have scarpered. But she was already sitting beside me, lifting Dougie from his sling. She stood him on her ample knee, and gripped his hands. I had to hand it to the little fella, he was the happiest baby I’d ever seen, and Kim clearly adored him – I could see the love in her eyes. ‘No Evie today?’
I shook my head, deciding not to fill her in on the gory details of how I’d left Clare and Gary’s. ‘This is Finn.’
‘I know exactly who this little cutie is,’ she said, releasing one of Dougie’s hands, and leaning forward to tickle Finn’s cheek. ‘I saw him with Sophy at the mums’ group, and Elizabeth brings him to the park regularly. Talk about a doting grandmother – she’s amazing with him, and a lovely woman too.’ She grabbed Dougie’s free hand and bounced her knees, singing a song I didn’t recognise about a farmer heading to market. ‘I have a lot in common with Elizabeth, actually,’ she said, coming to the end of a verse. ‘We’ve both lost babies.’ Her eyes glazed over quite suddenly. ‘Her son Christopher died of a heart defect, and my little one died of the same thing.’
‘Oh, Kim.’ Shocked out of my impatience to get away, I touched her arm. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘Thank you.’ She stared ahead for a moment, before swallowing hard and fumbling a tissue from her bag. ‘It was five years ago, but you never get over something like that.’
‘No, time is pretty crap at healing, isn’t it?’
She dabbed her eyes, looked my way, and smiled, the tip of her nose bright red. ‘But I have Dougie.’ She tickled his chubby middle, and blew a raspberry on his neck. He shrieked with laughter. ‘I don’t know what I’d do without him.’
‘He’s such a sweetie,’ I said, and I meant it. ‘He’s always so happy. So lively.’
She nodded. ‘I know. Would you believe he hasn’t slept during the day since he was six months old? I mustn’t complain though. It’s more time I can spend with him. And he sleeps like a baby at night …’ She laughed. ‘Oh my word, did you hear what I said then?’ She blew another raspberry on his neck then bounced him up and down.
A break in the grey clouds lightened the sky, as my phone rumbled in my pocket. I pulled it out. It was a message from Sophy.
Where are you?
She was back. Time had got away from me.
‘I should go.’ As I rose, I noticed Clare approaching, pushing a sleeping Evie in her pushchair. I’d never seen the woman without her heels and make-up. She looked different, natural. I looked at Evie asleep, and felt a surge of guilt and sadness that I’d abandoned her.
‘So you’ve found yourself another baby to look after.’ Clare’s face was red, her eyes blazing. ‘Another husband to come on to?’
Kim and Dougie stared at me. She was obviously waiting for me to explain, but I couldn’t face it.
‘Bye, Kim,’ I said, deciding not to get into a row with Clare. I had enough on my mind right now.
‘Oh that’s right,’ Clare yelled after me. ‘Just run away. Evie’s definitely better off without you. You’re a bloody useless nanny.’
I clenched my hands around the handles of the buggy, biting back the words I wanted to say, finally turning the corner. Relieved her nasty words were fading into the distance.
‘Where have you been?’ Sophy cried, grabbing Finn from his pushchair and squeezing him to her. He yelled, and held out his arms to me.
‘Just to the park,’ I said. ‘I came back as soon as I got your message. I didn’t know you would return so soon. You didn’t say.’
‘No. No, sorry. I’m just so … I’m sorry. Here take him.’ She shoved the screaming child at me. ‘I’ll make some coffee. Do you want one?’
I shook my head, as I followed her into the kitchen, and she handed Finn back to me.
‘So did you have a nice time in London with Dom?’ I asked.
‘No, I mean yes.’ She began banging around the kitchen like an angry TV chef, grabbing a mug and spoon, red-faced, and close to tears. ‘I didn’t meet Dom in the end; he had meetings all day, so couldn’t make it. I arranged to catch up with a friend I used to work with.’
Finn stopped crying, and I put him into his highchair and handed him his toy cat. ‘Was it a good catch-up?’
‘What?’ She looked at the giant clock on the wall. It was five o’clock. ‘Dom will be home soon,’ she said. ‘Can you hang on? I want you to meet him. I did mention that didn’t I?’ She was nowhere near close to making a drink. Hadn’t even filled the kettle.
‘I’m looking forward to it.’
The front door opened, and within moments Dom was standing in the doorway, loosening his tie, and unbuttoning the top button of his white shirt. ‘God the train was packed,’ he said. He smiled at me as he bent to kiss Finn’s hair, then headed towards the fridge, opened the door and grabbed a bottle of white wine. ‘You must be Liv,’ he said, staring at me as he poured a glass – not offering one to Sophy, or to me, come to that.
‘I am indeed.’ I returned the smile, and held his gaze just for a moment.
He turned to his wife. ‘So was London OK?’ he said. ‘Sorry for earlier, I just worry about you and Finn. You know that.’
She nodded, but didn’t offer any more, and an awkward silence fell.
‘Shall we sit down?’ Dom said, after taking a couple of gulps of his wine.
The three of us made our way to the kitchen table, and sat down. ‘It’s good to finally meet you, Liv,’ Dom said. ‘Sophy told me what happened with Gary.’
I swallowed, feeling exposed.
‘Have you been working as a nanny long?’ he went on, when I didn’t say anything.
‘Not long, but I have qualifications, and I’ve had a DBS check, plus I’m up to date with my first aid. I can let you see all the documents.’
‘That’s great,’ he said. ‘Sophy’s told me you’re good with children.’ He took another swallow of wine, his gaze not leaving my face. ‘Where were you before you ended up at the Wilsons?’
It took me a moment to realise he meant Gary and Clare.
‘Evie was my first nanny position in a home.’
‘So what other jobs have you had?’
‘I worked for a time in a nursery.’
‘Could we get a reference?’
I couldn’t tell them my boss hated me. It wouldn’t go down well. ‘They went out of business,’ I lied. ‘Before I studied to be a nanny, I had lots of different jobs. I’ve worked in Sainsbury’s in Stevenage, a couple of waitress jobs – Prezzos and The Copper Kettle in Stevenage Old Town. I’m sure I can get some sort of reference.’
‘Dom, she’s brilliant with him.’ Sophy placed her hand on his, and their eyes met. ‘He never cries when he’s with her.’
‘He never cries when he’s with my mum either.’ He gave a small smile, as if to take the sting out of his words. ‘Nothing personal,’ he added, returning his gaze to me, but I sensed a rising tension between them.
‘Listen, shall we give it a trial?’ I said. ‘See how it goes. Maybe for the first month or so I can just be here in the house with Sophy, and she can get on with what she wants to do – maybe even get a job working from home, while I care for Finn.’ That would give me time to prove to them that I was the perfect nanny.
‘I like the sound of that,’ Sophy said, her eyes on her husband. ‘Dom?’
‘OK, a month’s trial it is,’ he said, and knocked back his wine in one.
It was gone six by the time I got back to Mum’s, and as I opened the front door to my old childhood home I heard laughter trickling from inside, the TV blaring out. For a moment I was a kid again, when everything was perfect: my parents watching Inspector Morse, Ben playing on his PlayStation, the rich smell of baking from the kitchen, and our old dog, Molly, chasing her tail and barking at nothing.
In the lounge Mum and Freya sat one each end of the sofa, Sparky curled up between them, as they watched Mrs Brown’s Boys.
Mum looked up as I entered,
her cheeks red from laughing. ‘It’s Mrs Brown’s Boys, Liv,’ she said. ‘Your favourite.’
I shook my head. It wasn’t my favourite, but I decided to keep quiet as I flopped down in the armchair, exhausted, just as the programme ended. Mum pointed the remote at the TV, and muted the sound. ‘So how was your first day?’
‘Good.’ I glanced at Freya, knowing she would ask questions. And I was right.
‘You’ve changed jobs then?’
‘Yep.’
‘So you’re not with little Evie anymore?’
‘Liv is working for Sophy Edwards,’ Mum said.
Freya narrowed her eyes. ‘Please tell me you’re not still planning some sort of revenge.’
I shrugged. ‘Pretty sure Sophy and Dom will destroy themselves without any help from me,’ I said. ‘He’s a bit too wrapped up in his job, and as I said before, Sophy is always falling asleep and is pretty useless with Finn – that’s the little boy. He cries at the bloody sight of her.’
‘Why is that do you think?’ Freya tilted her head like a counsellor.
I shrugged again. ‘Kids get a vibe don’t they? Can sense when someone isn’t coping.’
‘Well Ben used to cry a lot when he was a baby,’ Mum chirped in. ‘And I was a brilliant mum.’
‘You still are.’ I smiled. ‘Listen, is the printer working?’ I remembered the photo on my phone, and wanted to get away from the conversation.
‘Yes, fresh ink yesterday.’ Mum pointed the remote at the TV, and turned it up as another episode of Mrs Brown’s Boys started.
I got up, and headed into the conservatory where Mum’s computer was, and sent the photo of Sophy and her friend to the hard drive.
‘Who’s that?’ It was Freya coming up behind me, as the photo printed.
I picked up the photo. ‘Sophy Edwards.’
‘She’s very pretty. I can see why Ben fell in love with her.’
Her words stung. ‘She had lunch with this man today, while I looked after Finn. I think she could be having an affair.’ I folded the page. ‘How’s Mum been today?’ I said before she could comment.
Freya’s face brightened. ‘We’ve had a lovely day. We went down to the river and fed the ducks.’ She turned, then spun back round. ‘Oh, I’ve just remembered, you had a visitor earlier.’
‘Who?’
‘Ryan, the man you were with the other lunchtime.’
‘Really?’ For some reason, my heart leapt.
She nodded. ‘He was looking for you. Said he wouldn’t come in and disturb your mum, but could I pass on a message – something about needing to tell you something about Sophy. Said he’d got no money on his phone, so could you call him.’ She paused. ‘He seemed a bit drunk, to be honest. Staggered as he left.’
My shoulders slumped. ‘He’s got a bit of a drink problem. It breaks my heart.’
‘I thought so.’ Freya shook her head.
I shut down Mum’s computer and turned to leave. ‘I’ll give him a call now.’
‘Yes, and I should make a move.’ Freya made her way towards the door. ‘There’s a small casserole in the oven, enough for you and your mum. It should be ready to eat in about ten minutes.’
‘That’s very kind,’ I said following. ‘But please don’t think you have to look after me too. I can always grab a burger.’
‘It’s no trouble at all – I like looking after you.’
Freya disappeared into the lounge to say goodbye to Mum, and I took the stairs two at time, pulling out my phone.
‘Ryan,’ I said, when he picked up. I entered my bedroom and closed the door behind me.
‘Liv?’
‘You wanted to talk to me?’ I flopped onto the bed.
‘I did.’ Silence.
‘Ryan? Are you OK?’
‘I may have had a drink. Or two.’ Silence.
‘You told Freya that you wanted to tell me something about Sophy?’
‘Sophy. Sophy Edwards. She’s not who she seems.’ His voice was a slur. ‘There are things you don’t know about Sophy, Liv. Things I need to tell you …’
‘What sort of things, Ryan?’
‘Not right now. I’m so tired. So, so tired.’
‘Ryan? Ryan are you OK?’
But the line had gone dead.
Chapter 18
Sophy
‘How long have you been feeling this exhaustion?’
‘A few weeks, I suppose.’ I tried to hold the doctor’s gaze, the instinct to downplay my symptoms overriding the urge to confide in her.
‘And do you feel it’s more than the tiredness of having a baby to look after?’ She flashed a glance at her computer screen but I knew there wasn’t much to see, other than what she’d just typed in. I’d joined the surgery soon after moving to The Avenue at Dom’s insistence, but this was my first visit. While checking my blood pressure, Dr Crawford had explained they hadn’t yet got access to my medical records. Not that they made very interesting reading. Before having Finn, I’d rarely needed to see a doctor once I’d left childhood behind and even then – apart from a badly sprained ankle and a bout of tonsillitis – I’d been healthy.
‘I don’t really know, never having been a mum before.’ I attempted a smile that made my cheeks ache. ‘I’m sure that’s all it is. Too many sleepless nights, baby teething, that sort of thing.’
Dr Crawford winced in sympathy. There was a gold-framed photo on her desk of two little girls in school uniform with matching smiles and the same, thick dark hair and olive skin as the doctor. ‘I can relate to that,’ she said. ‘You said your husband is concerned?’
I nodded, wishing it didn’t sound so serious. By telling her, I’d hoped to convey I was there just to put his mind at rest, not because there was something to be concerned about. ‘He thought I should get checked out.’
I recalled the way he’d looked at me yesterday, after Liv had gone home, her eyes lowered so I couldn’t read her expression. I’d unexpectedly burst into tears, upset that Finn had rebuffed me after I rushed home, worried Dom was secretly annoyed that I’d chosen to employ a stranger instead of asking Elizabeth to help out, and cross that I’d taken off to London to have lunch with Isaac.
He’d looked at me, a nerve twitching under his eye; a sign of tiredness. ‘You have to go to the doctor’s,’ he’d said, putting down his wine glass. ‘I’m worried about you.’
‘So you keep saying.’
‘You’re not ready to be going out, never mind having lunch with friends in London.’
I’d rounded on him. ‘By friends, you mean, Isaac.’ It was a low blow. Dom had struggled initially with how well I got on with Isaac, certain he felt more for me than friendship, until Anne came on the scene, but he’d done his best to hide it – to not be the sort of man who was suspicious that his wife’s best friend was a man. To his credit, he hadn’t responded to my barb, just rubbed the space between his eyebrows with his fingertips. ‘Fine, I’ll go to the doctor’s tomorrow,’ I said, wiping my face with the back of my hand.
His expression had softened. ‘Tell her everything.’ He came round the kitchen counter and rested his hands on my shoulders, eyes probing mine as if looking for the real me – the one he married. ‘I’ll come with you if you like?’
In his highchair, Finn had made a noise that sounded like agreement, but I shook my head. ‘I’ll be fine. Liv can come and watch Finn.’
She was in the waiting room now, entertaining Finn, whose face had lit up earlier at the sight of her. Dom had just left for work, clutching a white envelope he’d picked up from the doormat, pulling the car onto the road with a screech of tyres seconds before Liv arrived.
She was clearly curious about why I was going to the doctor’s, but hadn’t probed when I told her it was a routine check-up.
‘… in touch with your health visitor,’ the doctor was saying as I tuned back in. ‘Was everything fine at your last postnatal check-up?’
I nodded, recalling the woman who turned up at the flat fo
r a fortnight after Finn was born and how I’d felt compelled to pretend I was coping, in case she reported me, despite her assertion that it was normal to feel ‘a bit shell-shocked’ after my emergency C-section, blood loss and transfusion. You had a terrible ordeal, Sophy. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Not that I was going to tell Dr Crawford about that, or that I’d been prescribed a course of anti-depressants. It was ridiculous to hold back, because she’d find out once she had my medical records, but for now, I wanted to be someone without all that history.
‘We’ll do some blood tests,’ she said. ‘You could be anaemic, or have an underactive thyroid, which is common after giving birth, and your blood pressure’s a bit low.’ She paused. ‘Anything else?’ Her eyes were kind and tears blocked my throat. ‘Plenty of help at home?’
I nodded, forcing my jaw to relax and my fingers to stop plucking at the cuff of my jumper. ‘I’ve just taken on a nanny and my mother-in-law’s not far away.’
‘Well, that’s good.’ As if sensing she wasn’t going to get anything else out of me, the doctor made a call to the practice nurse and gave me a form. ‘She’ll do your bloods now.’ Her eyes lingered on my face as I stood up, knocking my bag on the floor. ‘We should have the results in a week, but if there’s anything else in the meantime don’t hesitate to come in.’
The blood test was over quickly and Liv suggested we cut through the park on the way back. I was grateful she didn’t ask any questions after giving me an inquisitive look when I came out of the consulting room. ‘We can get a hot drink at the stall there,’ she said.
She seemed on edge, walking too fast. I longed to take the pushchair handle but couldn’t think how to do it without seeming rude, so I trotted alongside, hands swinging uselessly by my sides. As the sun dipped behind heavy clouds, I had the crawling sensation I’d had before, on the odd occasion I’d ventured out, of being followed. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw a man some distance behind on the path, shoulders hunched, hands dug deep in his coat pockets. He slowed his pace and bolted his gaze to the trees at the edge of the park. A small dog bounded towards him, and when he bent to pat its head, I let out a breath. My mind was all over the place. Having a baby really had clouded my senses if I thought I was being stalked, as well as seeing people in the street I thought I knew.