by Karen Clarke
I got out of the car, and walked up the short path. I didn’t really want to talk to Mum and Freya. But as soon as I was in the house Mum called me. ‘Come and see this, Liv.’
I took a deep breath, and entered the small conservatory, shoving the tips of my fingers into my jean pockets. Mum was sitting in her wheelchair at the computer screen, Freya next to her on a collapsible wooden chair that was normally propped in the corner.
‘What’s up?’ I said, approaching, and they both turned. But before I could say a word, I saw they’d got a picture of Dom up on the screen. ‘Why—?’
‘Your mum was curious, Liv.’ Freya gave a thin smile.
‘Curious?’
‘She wanted to know more about Sophy Pemberton – Edwards. You’d mentioned where she worked, and that her husband was still there, so …’
‘You’re right about him being handsome, Liv.’ Mum’s voice broke, and tears shimmered in her eyes. ‘Not as handsome as our Ben …’
Oh God, I hadn’t wanted this to happen, for Mum to get upset. That wasn’t part of the plan.
‘Well I’m not sure their marriage will last, quite honestly,’ I said. ‘As I’ve mentioned before Sophy’s a complete mess. She even had a visit from social services. Reported by someone for neglecting Finn, apparently.’
‘And is she?’ Freya asked.
‘Is she what?’
‘Neglecting Finn.’
‘I don’t know. Maybe. Though not deliberately.’
‘So what’s going to happen now?’ Freya’s eyes were narrowed.
‘Happen now?’
‘With the social worker.’
‘Oh. Nothing. They seemed satisfied she wasn’t neglecting Finn. And she’s got me, and Dom seems like a good dad when he’s there.’
Freya shrugged. ‘It isn’t easy for social services. Making the choice to take a child from their parents, even if it’s for their own good. But sometimes it has to be done.’
I glanced at the clock on the shelf, a miniature grandfather clock that Ben and I bought Mum when we were young. It was almost four o’clock. ‘I’m going to my room for a bit,’ I said. ‘And, Mum?’
She looked up. ‘Yes, love?’
‘Maybe leave the Sophy research to me in future.’ It was as much for Freya’s ears as Mum’s. ‘We don’t want you getting upset, do we?’
Chapter 22
Sophy
I was woken by a rough shake of my shoulder to see Dom standing over me, holding the neck of an empty wine bottle.
‘What’s going on, Sophy?’ I looked blearily at his face as he sank on the edge of the bed, his expression cast in shadow by a grey wash of light through the window. ‘You’ve been drinking.’
‘Wha …?’ I struggled upright, my arm numb where I’d lain on it, my head hot and heavy. ‘Dom, I haven’t been drinking,’ I slurred. ‘I’ve no idea how that bottle ended up in here.’
‘So why do you reek of alcohol?’
‘It’s … it’s on me, not inside me.’ I tugged feebly at my jumper, my nose wrinkling at the sour smell wafting up from the duvet cover. My tongue felt thick and furry and I struggled to keep my eyes open, fighting to understand what was happening. A glass had tipped over on the bedside table, seeping liquid into my paperback. ‘Dom, I swear I haven’t been drinking.’ I pushed trembling hands through my hair, feeling as if my head was about to explode. ‘I was really tired so I came up for a sleep while Liv took Finn to the baby group—’ I gave a jolt. ‘Where are they, Dom? Where’s Finn?’
‘Oh, now you’re worried about our son?’
‘Dom, please …’ I shuffled past him, swaying as I stood up. The room was spinning like a carousel and nausea gripped my stomach. ‘Is he downstairs?’
‘He’s fine.’ Dom grabbed me as I tilted. ‘Mum’s here.’
‘What?’ I wrenched my hand free and rubbed my wrist as I dropped beside him on the bed. ‘Where’s Liv?’
‘Liv’s gone home, and Mum knows.’ Dom’s voice was flat as he rose, moving across the room as if he needed to put some distance between us, the bottle still hanging loosely from his fingers.
‘Knows what?’
‘She bumped into someone called Kim from that baby group, who told her we’d had a visit from social services.’
‘Oh, no.’ I pressed my fingers to my temples. ‘She must hate me,’ I muttered.
‘Sophy, of course she doesn’t hate you.’ Dom’s voice was laced with frustration. ‘Is this about the so-called note?’
‘There was a note.’ My voice rose in pitch. ‘I wouldn’t make up something like that,’ I said. ‘Does she know about that too?’
He shook his head, not looking at me. ‘Mum’s upset, of course she is, but only because she cares about Finn.’
My head jerked as though he’d slapped me. ‘So do I.’ It came out on a sob that hurt my throat and I clamped a hand to my mouth. ‘How did Kim find out?’ I said through my fingers. ‘No one else knew, apart from Liv, and she wouldn’t say anything.’
‘I’m afraid she did.’ Dom’s tone held no room for argument.
‘What?’ Why would Liv do that? It would be round the whole neighbourhood now. ‘I’ll talk to her tomorrow.’
Dom was shaking his head. ‘I don’t want her here anymore.’
‘No!’ I was suddenly desperate to keep Liv; to not go back to only having his mother’s support. ‘Just let me talk to her, please,’ I begged. ‘There has to be another explanation.’
‘If there is, I can’t think what it is.’ Dom’s voice was cool. ‘All I want is our son taken care of properly and to know he’s safe.’
‘That’s what I want too.’
He looked at me a moment longer and the sadness in his eyes pierced my heart. He released a heavy sigh and waggled the wine bottle. ‘We’ll need to talk about this again, but I’m hungry and tired and need to be with my son.’
‘Me too.’ More than anything, I wanted Finn in my arms.
Dom dropped his chin to his chest. ‘Not like this.’
Tears rose. ‘Dom—’
‘Drink some water, take a shower, then come down and have some dinner,’ he said. ‘If you’re feeling better, you can put Finn to bed.’
‘Your mum …’
‘I’ll talk to her, don’t worry. It’ll be fine.’
He turned in the doorway. ‘Oh, and Sophy.’
‘Yes?’ I waited, desperate for a kind word, knowing I didn’t deserve one.
‘She really does care, you know. We both do.’
He closed the door softly, leaving behind a trace of a floral scent I didn’t recognise. It mingled unpleasantly with the alcohol fug from the bed, making my head swim.
I removed my jumper, wincing as the throb in my head intensified, then dragged the duvet cover off. I hadn’t been drinking, I was certain of it, but how else could the wine have got up here? Maybe I’d sleepwalked downstairs and brought it up, tried to drink it and spilled it on the bed.
My eyes panned over the bedside table, where something glinted in the pool of wine on the surface. My necklace. I reached for it, heart racing. Had it been there all along, with the paperback I was convinced I’d lost? What was happening to me?
As I clutched the butterfly chain in my palm, my stomach rose and I dashed to the bathroom on shaky legs, making it just in time. I knelt over the toilet bowl, my body convulsing, wishing for a horrible moment that I hadn’t woken up.
Dinner was a subdued affair, though I did my best to force down some of the fish pie Elizabeth had prepared. Thankfully, she’d gone by the time I turned up in the kitchen, showered and dressed, smelling of minty toothpaste. Dom said he’d explained the social worker’s visit had been a mistake and wouldn’t happen again.
‘Mum’s invited you to take Finn to see the horses tomorrow.’ He was clearing our plates away, his movements stilted. ‘I think you should go. It’ll be good for you both.’
Elizabeth had never invited me to their home without Dom. ‘But, Liv—’
‘Just you and Finn,’ he said firmly.
‘So she can keep an eye on me?’ Watch Elizabeth. Now she was the one watching me.
‘Sophy, you can’t really blame her.’ Dom closed the dishwasher and set it going, turning to me with a look of exasperation. ‘Finn’s her grandson.’
‘Maybe she reported me.’ I was surprised by the conviction in my tone. ‘Let’s face it, Dom, she’d love to be able to look after Finn permanently.’
‘I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.’ After a moment’s hesitation, Dom came over and drew me tightly to him so that my forehead brushed his chin. I couldn’t speak and felt powerless to let go. ‘Whatever you believe, Mum loves you both, even if she doesn’t always show it.’
I did want to believe it, so badly it hurt. I tried to remember a time I’d felt that Elizabeth wasn’t just tolerating my presence in her son’s life. It wasn’t that she’d ever been hostile, or made me feel unwelcome – she always said and did the right things and could be charming – but she lacked a natural warmth and could be distant. Only with her beloved horses had I seen another side to her, relaxed and smiling, and now with Finn. No wonder Dom was happy to have her around as much as possible, basking in reflected glory after years of feeling disconnected from her. I knew I should be happy too, yet I envied Natasha, living at the opposite end of the country to her mother.
‘I’m sorry,’ I mumbled into his shoulder, breathing him in, wondering whether I’d imagined the smell of perfume, earlier. ‘I didn’t mean it.’
‘She’d be so hurt if she knew what you’d just said.’
‘Would she?’
‘Sophy, don’t.’ Dom let go of me, exhaling a sigh, and I felt as if I’d lost a battle I hadn’t known I was fighting. ‘Have you taken your vitamin pill today?’
‘For all the good they do.’
‘You have to stick with it. Natasha said—’
‘Fine, I’ll take another, if that will make you happy.’ Knowing it was childish, I crossed to the counter and snatched up the bottle.
‘Sophy, stop it.’
I shoved two in my mouth and almost choked as I gulped them down dry. ‘Satisfied?’ I opened my mouth to show him it was empty, my eyes watering.
‘For God’s sake.’ He turned away, but not before I’d seen that look again. The one that said he no longer knew who I was.
He hovered while I bathed Finn and read him a bedtime story, then insisted on sleeping in the nursery on cushions brought up from the sofa. ‘So you can get some rest.’
The sorrow that came from feeling he no longer trusted me was overwhelming.
Half-expecting him to hang around to confront Liv the following morning, I was surprised when he said curtly that he had a meeting he couldn’t get out of and left after extracting a promise I’d talk to Liv and would call if I needed anything.
I gave Finn his breakfast and settled him in his playpen with his toys while I got dressed and put the washing machine on, then waited for Liv to arrive. My nerves jangled like coins as I paced about, mentally rehearsing what to say, imagining her reaction. She’d probably storm out and not come back, but I couldn’t let it go. If she’d told Kim about the social worker’s visit, it meant she was, at best, a gossip and at worst … what? Unless my instincts were completely off, she was someone I’d thought I could trust. Someone who’d make a good friend, once I got past the guarded, spiky exterior she tried to hide.
She knocked on the door at nine. I checked Finn was engrossed in his favourite book and went to let her in. ‘Hi.’
‘Hey,’ she said, taking her coat off, eyes darting to my neck. ‘You found your necklace.’
My fingers went to the chain. I couldn’t remember telling her I’d lost it but supposed I must have done. ‘Yes, it was …’ I didn’t need to tell her I’d found it in such an obvious place. ‘Liv, I need to talk to you.’
She paused on her way to the living room, shoulders stiffening beneath her long grey sweater. ‘What is it?’ Her face was blank.
‘You told Kim.’ My heart thudded unevenly. I hated confrontation, but made myself hold her gaze. ‘About the social worker coming to see me.’
‘Oh, that.’ She looked at the floor and I waited for her to deny it. ‘I’m really sorry, Sophy.’ When she raised her eyes, they were clear. ‘It was just that she saw the whole thing as she was driving back to her house and I couldn’t think on the spot, and when she said the woman looked like a social worker, I felt myself go red and she knew she’d guessed right.’ Her words were rushed, her tone apologetic. ‘I told her I didn’t know the details and that I was sure it was a misunderstanding, but you’ve seen what she’s like. She’s such a nosy cow.’ Her hands were wringing together. ‘I made her promise not to say anything and I honestly don’t think she will. She’s a mother herself – she’ll understand how awful it was for you.’
‘How do you look like a social worker?’ I said.
Liv gave a half-smile. ‘I don’t know. Maybe it’s more than that. Maybe she knew her.’
She sounded so sincere my shoulders unclenched. Maybe my instincts about her hadn’t been wrong after all. ‘The thing is—’ I clasped my hands together to stop them trembling ‘—Kim went and told my mother-in-law and she came round here and Dom’s upset and …’ Suddenly I was crying, great heaving sobs that made my shoulders shake. ‘He thinks I’ve been drinking while he’s at work, but I don’t even remember it happening, and it’s not the first time I haven’t been able to remember something. I know Elizabeth thinks I’m a terrible mother and now Dom does too. I don’t deserve to have a baby.’
As the last few words flew out on a series of hiccups, I felt Liv’s hand on my elbow, steering me to the sofa and pressing me down. She disappeared and came back with a sheet of kitchen roll, which she thrust at me. ‘Bloody Kim, I could kill her,’ she muttered. ‘I’m sorry, Sophy.’
I scrubbed at my face. ‘Why didn’t you wake me up when you got back yesterday?’
‘I didn’t want to disturb you.’
‘Did you see the wine bottle?’
‘No,’ she said smoothly. ‘I looked round the bedroom door, then came back down and waited for Dom to come home.’ She paused. ‘Do you have a drink problem?’
My head whipped up. ‘What? No!’
She held up her hands. ‘Sorry, just checking.’
‘I don’t know what’s going on, only that I feel terrible nearly all the time and I’m so worried about how it’s affecting Finn.’
‘He looks fine to me.’ She sat beside me and we looked at him, banging a teething ring on his chubby thigh.
‘How can I be certain he isn’t absorbing everything?’
‘Kids are resilient.’ Sliding me a glance, she added, ‘Is Dom being supportive?’
I glanced at her, my eyes feeling sore and swollen. ‘He has been, but I think he’s getting fed up that I’m not feeling better and yesterday was the last straw.’ I looked at my fingers curled around the sodden kitchen roll. ‘He probably wishes he’d never married me, in fact I’m sure he does. He’s not here as much as I thought he’d be and sometimes he gets texts he doesn’t want me to see.’ I rubbed at my eyes once more. ‘I worry he’ll meet someone else.’
‘Do you ever think he’s really not the one for you?’
‘What?’ Liv’s hand was on my knee. Although pale and slender it felt heavy, as if she could easily pin me there. ‘Of course he is,’ I said. ‘I loved him almost from the moment we spoke. We just … clicked.’
‘So, no one special before that?’
Her gaze prodded like a finger, eyes wide and unflinching.
‘Not really.’ I sensed my answer was important in a way I didn’t understand. ‘A couple of boyfriends at university, one quite serious, and one relationship after, which fizzled out after a couple of years, then I met Dom.’ I remembered Liv saying when we met that I could talk to her about anything. ‘He got a photo the other day, of me and my friend Isaac having lunch
in London.’
‘Oh?’ Liv’s hand fell away from my knee. ‘That’s weird.’
‘I know.’ Finn gave a bird-like screech that made me jump. ‘Someone’s trying to make trouble for us and I know it sounds stupid but …’
‘Go on.’ Liv stood and lifted Finn out of his playpen, taking him to the patio doors to look outside. I cursed myself for not recognising his screech had been a signal he wanted picking up. I couldn’t even read my own son.
‘I’m starting to think it might be Clare,’ I said. ‘She’s the only person I can imagine having it in for me after … you know.’ I looked at her. ‘Because you’re working for me now.’
Liv turned, her face flushed pink. ‘I don’t know.’ She grimaced. ‘You really think she’d have followed you into London?’
‘Oh, God, I don’t know.’ Doubt flooded me. ‘Who else?’
‘Elizabeth?’ Liv raised her eyebrows. ‘I know I keep saying it, but she’s the one closest to you with a vested interest in Finn.’ She swooped him high and he giggled. ‘She obviously doesn’t want me around, either.’
‘Maybe you’re right.’ I pulled at my bottom lip. ‘I got a note about her,’ I confessed. ‘It said Watch Elizabeth.’
‘Really?’ Liv’s eyes widened. ‘Where is it?’
‘That’s the thing,’ I said, feeling foolish. ‘I can’t find it now.’
‘Oh, right.’ She lifted a hand to her forehead and smoothed her hair back. ‘Did you throw it away?’
‘I can’t remember.’ I sounded ridiculous. ‘Look, it’s probably nothing. A joke.’
‘Have you told Dom?’
I shuddered, recalling the look of disbelief on his face. ‘I did, but I wish I hadn’t,’ I admitted. ‘When I couldn’t find it, I could tell he didn’t believe me. He thinks I’ve lost my mind. She can do no wrong in his eyes.’
‘Maybe you should record her or something?’
I stared. ‘Doing what?’