by Karen Clarke
He exhaled heavily. ‘I honestly don’t know. Ignore her, I suppose.’
‘And if she doesn’t go away?’
‘Then I’ll go to the police and see about getting a restraining order.’
‘Maybe you should tell her that.’
His phone started ringing and he swore under his breath. ‘It’s work,’ he said, reluctantly pulling it out and showing me the screen. ‘I know it’s not the right time, Sophy, but I have to deal with this. I’ve been letting things slide a bit, what with … everything.’
‘It’s fine,’ I said tightly. ‘I’ll go and get Finn.’
I grabbed at the doorframe as I went indoors, my knees buckling. I felt sick, suddenly, my stomach rising. The walls zoomed towards me as I doubled over and sweat prickled down my spine.
‘Sophy?’
Gasping, I looked up to see Elizabeth looming over me, her gold chain swinging in front of my eyes. ‘Where’s Finn?’ I managed.
‘You know, there are women who’d give anything to have what you have and you don’t appreciate any of it.’ She sounded close to crying, and even as I battled the nausea surging through me, I thought of Christopher, the baby she’d lost, and felt a wave of pity – until she leant closer and whispered, ‘You don’t deserve to be a mother.’
‘Sophy?’ Dom had come in and his hand was on my back. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Did you hear what she just said?’
‘What?’ Dom’s hand dropped away.
‘I think she’s having a panic attack.’ Elizabeth’s voice was laced with concern and I wondered whether I’d imagined her cruel words. ‘Sophy, why don’t you go and sit down and I’ll make some coffee?’
I shook my head as my stomach spasmed once more. ‘I’m going upstairs.’ I pushed the words through gritted teeth. ‘I’ll be fine.’
As I ran up to the bathroom, the last thing I heard was Elizabeth saying kindly, ‘Go and do what you have to, Dom. Sophy and Finn will be safe with me.’
Chapter 30
Liv
We’d walked to Indigo Cottage, a large Victorian House at the far end of a cobbled drive, the entrance flagged by pillars, a Mercedes parked on the drive. Kim looked at me for what felt like a reaction, as we made our way into the house. I never gave one.
From a spacious hallway, she led the way into a dark-wood kitchen that smelt vaguely of baking. ‘Give me a hand,’ she said, as she heaved Dougie from the sling, and I leapt forward to pull it away from her hefty body. Once he was free, his chubby legs kicking, she propped him on her hip as she filled the kettle and flicked it on, and he watched her every move with bright eyes.
We carried our over-milky tea through to the lounge, which looked out over a long stretch of garden, and I perched on one of the three expensive-looking sofas, cradling my mug. Toys were scattered everywhere, and Kim finally let go of her grip on Dougie, and placed him amongst them. He grabbed a drumstick and banged it on a toy xylophone.
‘So how are you enjoying working for Sophy, so far? Is she any better?’
‘She’s getting there,’ I said, making a resolve not to discuss Sophy anymore. She’d got enough on her plate without Kim gossiping about her.
‘Funnily enough, I saw Clare earlier. She didn’t seem herself at all. Very quiet.’
‘Really? Is Evie OK?’
‘Oh yes, bright as a button.’
‘That’s good,’ I said with relief. My eyes drifted around the room, landing on the many photos of Kim with a balding man I assumed was her husband. There were photos of Dougie too – mainly professional – and a picture of Kim hugging another woman – their resemblance uncanny, and I wondered if it was the sister she’d spoken about, the one in Spain trying to work out things with her husband.
‘How is your sister?’ I said, for something to say, the sound of Dougie clanking on the mini xylophone grating on my nerves.
She nodded. Took a long sip of her tea. ‘Fine,’ she said, leaning forward to take the drumstick from Dougie, replacing it with a stacking cup, and I guessed the state of her sister’s marriage wasn’t up for discussion today.
What followed was Kim’s attempt to brag about her life, and I realised, not for the first time, that I had nothing in common with the woman. She painted a picture of her happy family, her wonderful husband – how they planned to renovate Indigo Cottage, travel. My life was an empty canvas by comparison. I didn’t envy her exactly. There was something sad about Kim I couldn’t quite put my finger on, but at thirty-two I’d achieved nothing. My whole life, since I was sixteen, had been a grieving-fest for my brother.
I gulped back my tea, looked at my watch, and rose. ‘I need to get home,’ I said. I didn’t offer a reason, and she didn’t ask.
She lifted Dougie from the floor and perched him on her hip. ‘I’ll show you out,’ she said.
Mum was in the kitchen baking when I got home. The aroma reminded me of my childhood, when I would stand on a chair, wearing an apron, and lick the icing bowl after we’d made cakes together. I poked my head round the door to see her reversing her chair, and sliding a red velvet cake into the oven. ‘Hello, love.’
I raised my hand in a wave. ‘I’ll want a slice of that later,’ I said with a smile. ‘Or maybe two.’
‘Of course.’ She smiled back as she closed the oven door.
I headed up the stairs, towards the sound of a vacuum cleaner, and fluttered my fingers at Freya who was whizzing the vacuum around Mum and Dad’s old room. She tended to clean upstairs once every six weeks or so, as, other than the times I stayed, the rooms were no longer used. The dining room had been transformed into Mum’s bedroom after her accident, and she always used the downstairs shower room. In some ways it was good that she couldn’t come upstairs and lose herself in Ben’s old room, where she’d spent hours in the months after his death, lying on his bed, holding one of his T-shirts to her face, or weeping into his pillow, while Dad sat alone downstairs, blaming himself for not seeing how unhappy his son was, when he should have been blaming Sophy.
‘You’re home early,’ Freya called above the noise, pushing her hair from her face. ‘How’s Finn?’
‘Fine. Sophy and Dom just need some time alone to sort things out.’
Her eyes widened as though she wanted to hear the latest saga of the Pemberton household, but I didn’t want to talk about it, and before she could say anything else, I stepped into my bedroom, and closed the door.
I lay on my bed, my head full of Sophy. How had she ended up with a husband who cheated on her, and a mother-in-law who, from what I could tell, seemed set on being in Finn’s life full-time? A huge part of me needed to know more about Sophy. The woman she was before she married Dom. Had he made her into the crumbling wreck she seemed to be? Had Elizabeth? Was she suffering with what my mum called the baby blues? Or was there more to it? I remembered what she’d said about a quite serious relationship at university. Had what happened to Ben affected her in some way? Had she buried it in her subconscious, and it was revealing itself now? Could I get her to talk about it?
We’d known so little about Sophy when Ben fell in love with her. Just that he’d found someone special, and he would introduce us soon. Mum and Dad were excited. Ben hadn’t had any serious relationships before Sophy. Far too bookish and studious, Mum always said. She had been thrilled Ben was so happy, quickly joking about one day being a grandma, and saying she couldn’t wait to pick out a big hat with feathers for the wedding.
‘I’m in love,’ he’d told me once in a call from university, and I could hear it in his voice that he was. ‘It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before.’
The drone of the vacuum cleaner was making me weary, and, not wanting to sleep, I pulled myself upright, and grabbed my phone.
I dialled Ryan’s number, relieved when he picked up.
‘Hey, Liv,’ he said, his voice a monotone.
‘You OK?’
‘Aha.’
‘Listen, you said Sophy—’
‘Not this again, Liv – it was nothing. I was pissed. Talking crap.’
‘Yeah, I get that, but I need to know more about her, Ryan. What was she like at uni? What were Ben and Sophy like together? Did she seem as much in love with him as he was her?’
‘Christ, Liv, we went through all this at the time. It was years ago.’
‘So you’re telling me you’ve forgotten Ben?’ I sounded bitter. Ryan hadn’t forgotten Ben any more than I had. ‘Sorry, that came out wrong. Sorry.’
‘It’s fine. No worries.’ He pauses for a moment, before adding, ‘But, like I said back then, I didn’t really know Sophy. Ben wasn’t with her long, Liv. It was all a bit of a whirlwind, you know that.’
‘Yeah, I remember. But she obviously meant a lot to him.’ I bit down on my lip, trying to hold in my annoyance. ‘She clearly made a big impression. There must have been something special about her.’
He sighed. ‘Well, as you probably know already, she was pretty. She had a confidence about her, was clever – popular, but that’s all I’ve got.’ He paused. ‘You need to let this whole obsession with Sophy go, Liv. People make mistakes, especially when they’re young. Maybe she didn’t mean to hurt him. Maybe something stood between them – something she could do nothing about.’
‘I get all of that, Ryan. But she barely seems to remember him. How can she forget someone who was so deeply in love with her?’
The sound of the vacuum cleaner rhythmically banging against the door was irritating. I was about to get up and ask Freya to stop for a few minutes, when the noise ended, and a plug was pulled from the wall.
There was a knock on my door. ‘Hang on,’ I said into the phone, and walked across the room and opened up to a smiling Freya, who was winding the wire around the cleaner.
‘I’m about to make a few sandwiches for your mum,’ she said. ‘Would you like some?’
‘Sounds lovely.’ I realised I was hungry. ‘Give me a minute and I’ll come down and give you a hand.’
‘That’s very kind,’ she said, lifting the vacuum cleaner and heading away.
I closed the door once more. ‘So when can I see you?’ I asked Ryan, feeling calmer.
‘Any time you like,’ he said, but I wasn’t sure he meant it.
‘Great. I’ll text you.’
‘OK. But please, in the meantime, stop this thing with Sophy.’
‘To be honest, I’m beginning to feel a bit sorry for her,’ I admitted. ‘Her life’s a mess. Her husband is cheating on her, and her mother-in-law took a photograph of her yesterday passed out in the stables. It was quite damning, made it look as though she was neglecting her little boy. I’m really not sure what’s going on in that house.’
‘All the more reason to let things go.’
‘I can’t help the way I feel, Ryan.’ My stomach twisted as I realised there was still a smouldering of anger there, even if the flames weren’t as raging as they once were. Even so, I didn’t want to fight with Ryan. ‘Listen, I’d better go and give Freya a hand with lunch. Talk soon.’ I ended the call and made my way down the stairs to where Freya was grabbing a loaf from the bread bin. Mum had gone, but the cake smelt delicious.
Freya glanced round at me. ‘Cheese and pickle?
I nodded, and took cheese from the fridge. ‘Are you looking forward to getting away tomorrow?’
‘Very much so.’ Freya laid out six slices of bread, and grabbed the cheese grater. ‘I’m hoping to do a bit of walking, and I’ve downloaded three novels to my Kindle.’
‘I’ll miss you.’ It was Mum, heading into the kitchen.
‘You’ll be fine with Shari, Martha.’ Freya smiled. ‘She’s lovely.’
‘So you keep telling me,’ Mum said, but I was worried. I normally cared for Mum when Freya went away. This was the first time she’d been with anyone new.
I opened the door to Shari, and had an instant good feeling about her. She was around the same age as Freya, but unlike Freya, Shari gave off an open, what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of vibe. She was wearing a uniform, a white dress with the company’s emblem, a wide belt around her plump midriff, and a short black corduroy jacket. Her curly, black hair was scooped away from her round face and tied into a small, frizzy ponytail.
‘You must be Liv,’ she said, her tone upbeat, her smile wide. ‘Freya’s told me all about you.’
‘All good, I hope.’
‘Of course.’ She slipped off her jacket as she stepped in. ‘So how’s Mum today?’
‘Good. Cheerful.’ I dropped my tone to a whisper. ‘Though if I’m honest, she’s in a bit of a panic about Freya not being here.’
‘Understandable.’ Shari nodded her head as she hung her jacket on the hook near the door. ‘It’s not always easy having a stranger in the house, and I know she’s close with Freya.’
I nodded. ‘A bit too dependent at times.’
‘I worked with Freya several years back, when she was a social worker, and I couldn’t believe it when I saw her name on the rota. It’s lovely to see her doing so well after …’ She stopped abruptly, as though she’d said too much. ‘Anyway, she’s told me everything I need to know about your mum, and I’m sure we’ll get along just fine.’
Half an hour later, Shari had tempted Mum to a boiled egg, and they were doing a crossword puzzle together.
I pulled on my coat. ‘You have my number if you need me,’ I said.
‘We’re fine, aren’t we, Martha?’ Shari gave me another one of her broad smiles.
Mum glanced up at me, and my stomach knotted. Sometimes she looked so lost, and I wondered at that moment, if she really had come to terms with Ben’s death, and if, without her Freya security blanket, she would be OK.
‘See you later,’ I said, raising my hand.
And stepping out into the cool morning air, I closed the door behind me.
‘Hey,’ I said, when Sophy answered the front door, a grizzling, red-cheeked, Finn in her arms, which seemed pretty much the norm.
‘Hey,’ she mirrored, and turned and made her way into the house, dragging her feet as she headed down the hall. She’d been crying – that much was obvious.
‘How did things go yesterday?’ I asked, as I followed her into the kitchen. She put Finn in his playpen, and handed him his teddy. ‘With Dom, I mean.’
‘I know what you mean, Liv.’ Her voice was dull and lifeless. ‘But I haven’t got the energy to talk about it right now.’ She rubbed her neck with both hands and sighed. ‘I’ve had Elizabeth round already this morning, and feel pretty dreadful.’ She turned, headed for the kitchen door. ‘Can you keep an eye on Finn? We can talk later. I’m going back to bed.’
I bit down on my frustration, as I listened to her footfalls on the stairs, slow and heavy, as though her feet weighed too much. I wanted to know everything that had happened the day before – whether her marriage was over – if Dom had let her down. ‘No worries,’ I called after her. There was nothing else I could say.
I turned to Finn. ‘Right, sweetie.’ I lifted him from the playpen, and held him to me, kissing his head, breathing in his baby smell. ‘Let’s have a bit of quality time just me and you, shall we?’
I walked into the lounge, Finn propped on my hip, enjoying the feel of his little fingers touching my cheek, before putting him down on the floor, next to the sofa. I handed him his favourite book, which he immediately stuffed into his mouth.
‘Right let’s get some light on the subject, shall we, little man?’ I padded towards the patio doors, and pulled back the curtains. The air was still and heavy in the room, the only life the flashing light of a message waiting to be heard on the home phone. I threw open the doors to let some fresh air in, my shoulders sagging with the heavy sadness here. I looked at Finn, caught up in the middle of it all, tangled in the web of unhappiness that was Sophy and Dom. He deserved better than this, and I knew Ryan was right. I had to let my anger go.
I played with Finn until his eyelids grew heavy, then took him upstairs, changed his n
appy, and popped him down for a sleep in his cot. I walked over to the window and looked out for some moments. Finn’s bedroom faced The Avenue, and outside was still and quiet, only two cars parked along the road – a maroon Volvo Estate, and a white saloon – and there wasn’t a soul about. I closed the panda curtains, smiled at Finn now fast asleep, and headed back downstairs.
I was about to fill the dishwasher, when my phone rang.
‘Liv. Liv, it’s Shari.’
‘Shari? Is everything OK?’ I used to worry about my mum all the time years ago, but when Freya started caring for her, I’d allowed myself to relax. Now those old emotions and fears rushed to the surface.
‘It’s your mum, Liv.’ Her voice was raspy. Gone was the confident upbeat tone of earlier.
‘Is she OK?’
‘The ambulance is on its way.’
‘Ambulance?’ My heart thudded in my ears. ‘What’s happened?’
‘She had pains in her chest. Can you come here, please.’
‘Of course, I’m on my way.’
I ended the call, grabbed the baby monitor, and raced up the stairs, suddenly angry that Sophy was asleep again. I threw open her bedroom door and raced in, my head throbbing as I dragged back the curtains. I turned to see her huddled under her duvet. ‘Sophy,’ I said. ‘Sophy, you need to wake up. I’ve got to go.’
She groaned, but didn’t move.
‘For Christ’s sake, Sophy.’ I nudged her. ‘I’ve got to go, and you need to get up and look after Finn.’ I dragged back the quilt, my heart thumping. ‘Sophy!’
‘What?’ She pulled the cover back over her, seeming almost afraid of me. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘It’s my mum. She’s …’ I could hear the tears in my voice. ‘I have to go.’ I headed for the door. ‘Finn is asleep in his cot, but you need to get up. Make sure you’re not asleep when he wakes. OK?’ I placed the baby monitor beside her.
‘OK. Yes.’
‘Just promise me you won’t go back to sleep.’
‘I promise,’ she said, as I turned and left the room.