by Ashley King
"I'm fine." There's a pause. "Look, Claire, I'm really proud of what you did tonight. What you said to Lindy was epic. You actually stood up for yourself and I think you just earned the respect of half the student body in that one move."
Pride swells up in my chest overshadowing the fear, the worry. It did feel good to say that to her, to not just stand there like a freaking punching bag.
"Thanks," I barely whisper.
I feel my cheeks heat up at Ryder's unexpected praise. He rubs his hand up and down my arm as I drive and somehow I manage to get us home. As I pull in the driveway and shut the car off, something happens to me. I feel…elated. I feel like I conquered Mount Everest. I look to Ryder and see this huge smile across his handsome, bloodied face. His lip looks like it might be busted, but it's really hard to tell in the darkness.
"What?" I ask, taking the keys out of the ignition, although I can't quit smiling.
"Claire, look at you. You did it. I knew you could. You drove at night and didn't flip out," Ryder's smiling and then he reaches over and pushes my hair behind my ears.
"You knew it? You remembered as soon I got in the driver's seat? Because I certainly didn't. All I could think of was getting out of there and making sure you were okay," I answer. I'm leaning over the console, closer to him, the car seeming to shrink even more with his presence.
He nods, "Yeah, but I knew you could get over it. And you did. You totally did it."
"That's one thing down," I whisper.
"From what?" He watches me carefully, those eyes never leaving mine.
"Nothing. Just one thing I've conquered on my crazy list. You know, like conquer your bullies, conquer your night driving, conquer your fear of abandonment, and conquer your grief. All these things that I just sit by and do nothing about. I don't even think I grieved Jamie properly. I just…I just went into a black hole and did practically nothing. All I did was get this tattoo," I hold up my wrist. Jamie's initials shine in the sparse moonlight.
Ryder takes it in his hands, "This tattoo means more than you think. You overcame your fear of needles by doing that."
I look at him, confused, "I don't have a fear of needles."
He shrugs and lets go of my wrist, "It was worth a try."
A small laugh bubbles up and I see what he's doing. "Ryder, thank you. This was a great first date," I smile.
He looks out the window and then back at me, his hand rubbing his chin, "All in all, yeah, it wasn't bad."
I lean forward and press a kiss to his swollen lip. "Now this is the perfect ending to the perfect night," I smile against his lips. His arms come around me, wrapping me closer to him, and it's obvious he could care less about his injuries with the way he's kissing me. It is a good night indeed.
RYDER
My caseworker managed to get an afternoon court time arranged. Mrs. Weathersby complained that Claire and I had missed a lot of school lately and she wanted to see us graduate. She made sure we only missed about thirty minutes of the last class of the day. Claire's parents are meeting us at the courthouse and it makes me feel like I'm a part of a real family. This is what it's supposed to be like.
Despite the fact that this weekend was the best weekend of my entire life, I still feel like I'm coming out of my skin. This morning I cut myself and it did little to relieve the anxiety. I don’t care anymore about Shelly going to jail. Having to face her again is what's stressing me out.
Claire's got music blasting and that does help a little bit. Listening to Muse helps everything. When she pulls her car into a space, she turns to me and grabs my hand. She squeezes it tight and all she says is "I'm here" before getting out of the car. She's the best thing that's ever happened in my crappy life, but I know it's only temporary. Might as well as enjoy it while I can.
I get out of the car and take her hand as we mount the courthouse steps. Our hands separate before we go inside. Good thing too, because her parents are already waiting in the lobby.
"Ah, Ryder! Claire!" Her mother says as she rushes to us and pulls us both into a group hug. Her parents still have no idea that we're seeing each other, although I feel like it has to be pretty obvious. I know I look at Claire like she hangs the frickin' moon.
"Mom, chill," Claire whispers and shoots a look at her dad. He only grins. He was supposed to go out of town today, but he pushed it back to be here. In my book, that's pretty cool, so I shake his hand and give him the best "I'm good for you daughter" look I can muster. I don't even know what that looks like.
We are led to the courtroom and I sit behind the district attorney. I listen to the judge rattle off all kinds of legal stuff, but I can't even focus on it with my nerves all over the place. I feel Claire squeeze my hand again, her hope sinking in through that simple touch. But everything is ruined when my mom is brought in. She's in an ugly orange jumpsuit and she looks awful. Her hair is wiry and thin, her face is practically skeletal, and she has more wrinkles on her face than I remember. Her eyes search behind her and I know who she's looking for. I see it as her hateful gaze lands on me. Claire is steady mean mugging this woman and if looks could kill, Claire would be on trial for killing my mom.
I get called to the witness stand and I feel like everything is moving sideways. Dizziness settles in until I look at Claire's face. Perfect, wonderful Claire. She's giving me a smile and she winks as I get up and walk to the stand. I can do this. I will do this. I have to do this, for me and for Claire.
The prosecutor steps up and starts asking me all these questions about my mom, about her drug use, the abuse, and my dad. I answer each of the questions honestly, telling the court just how bad my mother's addiction is, how she used to attack me out of paranoia and even when she was sober, how she let her boyfriend of the month beat the crap out of me. I told them about the multiple times she pawned my guitar, how often we went without food because all the money went to drugs. I did all of this without even making eye contact with her.
"Look at me, you lying piece of trash! I wish your father would have taken you with him when he left! You’re both worthless!" My mother suddenly screams out in the middle of my testimony.
I want to bow and say, "Ladies and gentleman, my mother." But I don't. Instead, I do as she says, not because she wants me too, but because I want too. I look at her and reply, "I do too. Believe me, I do too." This only pisses her off more because she starts talking to herself and I wonder if it’s a side effect of withdrawal from the drugs. The judge calls order to the court and the questioning continues. I can't bring myself to look at Claire. I don't want to. I hate that she's seeing this, that she's hearing this. She shouldn't have to do this. She has enough to worry about, enough to deal with.
But when it's all said and done, my mom only has to stay in jail for year. A freaking year. This woman made my life a living hell for four years and this is what she gets. Each slice of glass into my skin, each kick to the ribs, each random person I’ve had to live with, she gets a year for all of it. I'm sick and I can't look at anyone. Shelly calls my name as they lead her out of the courtroom, but I don’t look. Claire's parents try to console me, but even then I don't look. Claire holds my hands, apparently not caring what her parents know, and yet I still don't look. I'm a zombie as we walk to the car in stunned silence.
Claire's mother has to go back in to work, while her father finally has to leave for his trip, so we go home. Claire gets out chicken and starts to prepare dinner as soon as we get there. I just sit at the counter and watch. She knows me so well already and doesn't try to pry, doesn’t try to force me to talk. For that, I'm thankful, because I don’t trust myself to speak.
I watch as Claire's dainty hands cut up the chicken and am amazed that she's not grossed out by the raw stuff. I've known Claire for a month. One month since she came into my life and turned everything upside down. We've been on one date, but we've had more moments of…I don't know what you'd call them, moments of clarity? I feel like I’m falling in love with her and I can't stop. Just like right now,
I'm watching her cook like it's the most fascinating thing in the world and it feels like we have the run of the house. Her back is turned as she's facing the stove and I get up, not quite sure what I'm doing, but knowing my worthless excuse of a mother can't ruin this for me, not when I don't have much time with Claire.
I wrap my arms around her tiny waist and I feel her jump a little. "Hey you," she laughs. God, that laugh. It's everything.
"Hey," I answer and kiss her cheek as she stirs the pot. I get ahead of myself and make a path down her neck. She freezes, easily allowing me to turn her around to face me.
"What's this for?" She smiles up at me, those green eyes blazing. I want her. I want her more than anything in my life, but I can't let myself go there. This will have to be enough because even though my self-control sucks, I won't sleep with her and then leave her here, alone. I can tell she's a virgin by how she flushes whenever I make suggestive remarks, even though I had my doubts given the way she and Jamie used to act.
"For you being you," I answer and kiss her lips. She puts her arms around my neck and kisses back with more ferocity than I ever expected. Claire's wrapped herself around me like a pretzel and it's hard to be a good guy with the feel of her body against mine. Of course I want to take her upstairs to my room, but I settle for the next best thing. I lift her up and put her on the counter next to the stove. She lets out a tiny squeal as she plops down, her eyes are wide.
"You are so going to get me in trouble," she murmurs as she pulls me closer by the collar of my shirt.
For some reason her admission only spurs me forward. My hands wrap in her hair and my mouth is on hers again. Her legs wrap around my waist, pulling me in closer and I swear I'm about to lose all control. No girl has ever made me feel this way and I wish I could tell her that. Instead, I kiss her with all the words I can't say and she whispers my name, which kills me. I step back from her, take her all in. Her face is flushed, her hair is messy, but she's looking at me the same way I know I look at her.
"God, Claire," I smile at her. "You know how to test me."
Her flush deepens and she averts her gaze to the floor. "Sorry," she whispers as she disentangles her legs from me.
I wrap my hands around her legs, keeping them wrapped around me, "Don't apologize, Claire. You're freaking hot. This is hot. I just…it's hard to be a good guy around you."
Claire looks at me, so eager, so full of so many things. I remember her face when she realized she could drive at night, the way she looked when she cussed out Lindy. All of those expressions are logged into my memory, along with every single one since we met. But this expression is different, because she looks hungry, wild even.
"Maybe sometimes you don't have to be a good guy," she answers as she bites her lip.
I push back from her although I just want to say screw self control. "Really, Claire? And you bite your lip too? You're killing me." I run my hands through my hair, because I need something PG to do with my hands. What I want to do with them is rated R and Claire just told me she's on board.
"Look, I don't get around, if that's what you're thinking. I'm a virgin, actually. I just…I've never felt like this before," Claire admits as she crosses her ankles and looks up at me.
I can't help myself, I know it's not true, but curiosity still gets me, "Not even with Jamie?"
She settles an even expression at me and I don't miss the quick glance at the tattoo on her wrist. "Not like this. Jamie and I only kissed. That last night. And…and…" She's struggling and I step forward and wrap her in my arms. I lean down to look at her face.
"It didn't feel like this, Ryder. Nothing ever has," Claire finishes and I'm glad to see that there are no tears in her eyes. Her heart is fragile and she's slowly piecing it back together, when all I'm going to do is smash it all to pieces.
"You wanna be my girlfriend? I mean, I know it's lame to ask, but I feel like we've been doing the dating thing longer than we really have. I don't want anyone else to think they can have you, because this," I motion between us. "This isn't casual for me."
Her lips form into a smile, her eyes wide, "Heck yeah, I want to be your girlfriend!" She jumps off the counter and wraps her legs around me again, our lips colliding. We only break apart because the water for the rice is boiling over the counter.
"Crap!" She says all flustered as she moves to clean it up.
As I watch her I know this is going to be harder than I thought.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
CLAIRE
The intensity of my emotions frightens me. I'm completely aware of Ryder, every little thing about him down to the dark specs in his eyes. I thought what I felt for Jamie was strong, and it was and will always be, but the feelings Ryder has stirred up in me are new and scary at the same time, like standing on the edge of a cliff, yet knowing if you jump into the water below that you'll get the adrenaline rush of a lifetime. That’s what Ryder makes me feel.
"You coming?" Ryder's voice snaps me out of my reverie. He's got his bag wrapped around his hand and his other hand on the door handle.
I look at the school and sigh. "I don't know why we just can't skip," I mumble.
Ryder gives me a sideways glance as we both get out. He comes around and wraps his arm around my shoulder. "I'm a bad influence on you, aren't I?"
"Now, don't be smug. I just…I think that maybe one day we should. After all, isn't that what being a senior is all about?"
Ryder looks like he's thinking, and then he pulls me closer and kisses the top of my head. "Name the day and we'll do it. I'll show you how to do it right."
I stop walking and look up at him. "Today?" I give him my best "please" smile.'
He laughs, something he does regularly now, something that makes me happier than I thought it would. "Besides today," he answers.
We start walking and he opens the school door for me. Yesterday was pretty low key, because I was really trying to focus on Ryder and his mom's trial, but today my senses are in overdrive. I'm listening for whispers about the Black Widow or about the fact that Ryder's got me snuggled up next to him. Nothing. No one stops and stares. I even have a girl walk up to me, someone I've never seen before with long red hair and freckles spaced across her smooth complexion. I'm bracing myself for a verbal smack down when she actually smiles at me.
"Hey, I'm Jane," she still smiles. I stare at her open mouthed, not quite sure what to say. Ryder releases me from his grip and I can feel both sets of eyes on me.
"I'm Claire." I say it more like a question. I want to ask her what she wants. But she smiles even wider.
"I know who you are. You're the girl who stood up to Lindy Baker at the Masquerade. You're a total hero. Thanks for finally doing it. Someone needed to. She's gotten away with it for far too long," Jane says. "Anyway, nice to meet you. Maybe I'll see you around sometime?"
I nod, "Nice to meet you too, Jane." I watch the girl walk away in complete and utter confusion. Once she's out of earshot, I turn to Ryder. "Wow." That's all I have to say. I never realized other people hated Lindy or were tormented by her. I thought she reserved that for Ryder and me. I guess I have this me against them mentality, so I never really gave anyone else a second thought. They were all enemies because they let Lindy do all those wretched things to me. They let the rumors about Ryder become their truths. They allowed Lindy to become the monster that she is.
"It only takes one person, Claire and that’s you," Ryder whispers into my ear. We walk to my locker and to class without anyone saying a word to us. Even Mrs. Weathersby seems to notice the change.
"You guys seem happy," she smiles as we walk through the door. I shoot Ryder a look that means it's more than just Lindy being MIA. A lot of that has to do with him being in my life.
"It's been a good day," I grin at her. She pushes her glasses up her nose and smiles back.
"Now that I'm glad to hear," she says as she moves back to her desk. She starts teaching and my mind begins to wander to Ryder. To how close he is, yet I can't touch him
. I sneak a glance at him, only to find him doing the same. He grins at me because we're both caught. I can't help but to smile like an idiot. When my mind is filled with him, I can keep pushing thoughts of Jamie away, keep pushing all of that away further and further down.
At lunch we lay on the quad and Ryder has his Ipod out and is flicking through songs. I take a bite out of my sandwich and lean back, my face soaking up the sun. "Here," Ryder hands me one of his ear buds. That’s the equivalent of giving me a dozen roses. I try not to act too taken aback, so I grab it and stick it in my ear. We move closer together, our legs touching from thigh to foot. I tap my foot against his Converses playfully.
"I think you'll like this one," he says as he works through the playlist.
"This Is For Keeps" by The Spill Canvas is playing. I absolutely love, love that song. It's in my top five list of ultimate love songs.
"Ah," I sigh happily as I hear Nick Thomas's voice croon through the ear bud.
"I figured you liked it, given your obsession with vampires," Ryder jokes.
I lightly smack his arm above his leather bracelets. "I am not obsessed. You were the one who actually came to the Masquerade dressed as a vampire."
Ryder just smirks and bites into his apple. As the song picks up, I lean my head on his shoulder. He puts his hand on my thigh and I put mine on top of it, not caring who sees.
This could be another perfect moment to file away. I just wish I could take a picture and freeze it. The November sun is shining on us and instead of being hot and overbearing, it's welcoming and perfect, just like this moment. We're just sitting in perfect silence listening to one of the most romantic songs I've ever heard.
"It's more than vampires," I say as soon as the song is over.
Ryder gives me this look, one that says, "No really, Sherlock?" It's so funny that I laugh. I can't remember laughing so much. It's been awhile.