by S. Moose
Holding back the tears, I tell myself not to cry. I can’t cry. I don’t cry. Crying shows weakness, and I am not weak. It doesn’t matter what’s going on in my life or how I feel. Throughout the years I’ve learned to shut down during stressful situations and keep it all to myself. I’ve let someone in before and it left me vulnerable, as if my heart was pulled out of my chest and stomped on several times. I don’t let very many people in. I have a few close friends from high school. I’m not popular. I’m not the greatest with conversation. I’m simply me, Cam Ellison — wait, VonWart. I’m the girl waiting for the rain to come back.
DAYS GO BY, and I’ve been working endless hours, keeping myself busy so I don’t have to think about what’s going on with my life. Henry’s been gone, away on business so he says. I’m turning into the pathetic woman I told myself never to become. Alone in her bed, watching the sun rise and fall, hoping for a revelation, but never getting one.
Picking up the half-full bottle of wine, bringing it to my lips, I drink until the final drops are on my tongue. Picking up the bottle from my nightstand, I take a handful of sleeping pills, not enough to be dangerous, just enough to sleep for a while. Drifting in and out of consciousness I finally close my eyes and forget about everything.
The bed sinks in, and I feel a warm hand brushing my hair away from my face. I will myself to wake up, but decide against it. I’m dreaming. I smile, touching the hand of a man I don’t know. This isn’t Henry. I know Henry’s hands. These hands are familiar. Maybe it is Henry, and he’s trying to be a better man and husband.
Lips are on my cheek, and I feel his hand resting on the other side of the bed. He smells delicious. What’s that cologne? It’s nothing I’ve ever smelled before.
“I love you,” the voice rings through my head. I know that voice. Forcing my eyes open I look around the room, but it’s just me.
“Impossible,” I mutter, reaching for my phone and ignoring all the messages. I dial Beverly’s number and tell her to get over right away.
Jumping in the shower, I wash away all the crap I’ve been going through these past few days and breathe in and out. This isn’t happening. This isn’t possible.
By the time I’m in yoga pants and a tank top, Beverly’s at the door. I unlock it and am met with a slap on the arm with yelling.
“You had me worried sick! What the fuck is wrong with you!”
“I heard Ayden’s voice! He’s not dead! He’s not dead!”
Beverly looks at me, and then Dylan walks in. They look at each other and then back at me. I know I sound crazy and it doesn’t make sense, but I know Ayden was here.
“Babe,” Beverly starts to say, pulling me into the kitchen. “I know you’re going through a lot with Henry, IVF and Ayden, but babe, he’s dead. Ayden’s gone.”
I shake my head, “I heard this voice.” I grip the marble counter top, closing my eyes, remembering the moment on my bed. Was I dreaming?
“Cam, we’re here, and it’s gonna be okay,” Dylan chimes in, putting his arm around me. “It’ll be okay.”
The next night, as I’m resting on the couch watching One Tree Hill, the door opens and in walks my lame-ass husband. He busies himself in the foyer and kitchen before walking in the living room.
“I’m home.” I nod, not responding or caring. “Can you talk to me?”
“No,” I respond without any emotions. “Watching OTH.” He looks at the TV and lets out a sigh.
“Well, if you don’t wanna talk, I’m going out.”
“Okay, that’s fine. I knew this wouldn’t last,” I huff.
“And what’s that supposed to mean?”
“You know what it means.” Turning to face him, I tell myself to stand strong. “Make sure you wrap it, and don’t come home late. Actually don’t come home at all.”
“You’re getting on my fucking nerves, and I need space away from you.”
“Well, you had a week, and I guess you really were at a convention, huh?”
“I fucking was, Cam! I made one damn mistake.” I scoff again. Once a cheater always a cheater, I think to myself. “You wanna know what?”
“What?” I mutter.
“I want a fucking child, Cam. We’ve been going through this, and I’m fucking tired, all right? I get it and I understand your pain, but fuck. It should work and since it’s not, then I don’t know.”
“What don’t you know?”
“If we should stay together.”
And that’s all he says before I get up and push him, knocking him off balance. We stare at each other, neither of us saying a word. “Then file for divorce because I’m sick of you, too!”
“Whatever; I don’t need this shit.”
“Good. Then go! I’m sure your next whore will love riding your small dick.”
Henry doesn’t say anything. Instead he rushes out the door, slamming it, causing the paintings on the walls to shake.
Alcohol. I need alcohol to numb all the shit going on in my life. Alcohol to escape and find the smallest piece of something to make me feel again.
Looking through the stock of liquor bottles, I select an unopened bottle of Grey Goose. Twisting off the blue cap, I pour some in a martini glass, with a dash of dry vermouth and olive juice, topping it with a few olives. I smile sweetly, raising the glass in the air before bringing the much needed drink to my lips. His words hit me harder than before.
I’m broken. Plain and simple. Since I can’t give him kids, he’s going to go somewhere else and get what he wants.
When I look around the house I imagine children running around filling the air with laughter and “she did it” or “I’m telling on you!” Drifting in and out of reality, I try to pull myself together and accept the harsh truth. I can’t feel like this anymore. I can’t. Everything inside me screams to feeling wanted and comfort. I want someone to hold me in his arms and tell me it’ll be all right, but it’s just me in the house. I can feel myself pulling away from reality and back to a place where I sail through life without feeling too much. If I go back there, who knows when I’ll come back or if I’ll want to come back?
Settling on the couch, I bring my legs up and tuck them under myself. Above the mantel there’s a large, framed picture of Henry and me from two Christmases ago. We’re both smiling in the picture with his arm around my waist. Those were the happy times, times when I felt the intense love from him. Now, that intensity is gone. I have no idea what’s going to happen to us.
Today marks the death of our marriage. I don’t know who my husband is anymore. Replaying Henry’s actions in the car starts to give me a headache. This man I call my husband isn’t my husband. He’s a stranger to me, someone I should love, but don’t. Since he’s cheating on me, I guess it’s something I have to accept.
Me: Can you come over?
Beverly: Sure will! What are you up to?
Me: Drinking for one…
Beverly: Coming over now!
I sigh, putting away my phone. Placing it on the kitchen counter, I go to the sink and wash the dishes to keep busy before Beverly comes over. These mindless tasks are just that — mindless. My phone vibrates against the counter. I turn off the faucet and wipe my hands before looking at who is texting me.
Sharp: Eighty hours?
Me: Yeah, I know I’ve been working a lot. Just need to stay busy.
Sharp: Is everything okay?
Me: Yeah.
Sharp: I don’t like liars, Camila.
Me: Not lying, thank you very much =)
Sharp: Okay. Have a nice night.
I’m about to type ‘you too,’ but there’s something pulling me to tell him what’s going on. Sharp and I have never crossed the lines, and I’m not sure if it’s smart.
Me: My husband is cheating on me. He just left, and I think we’re about to get a divorce.
Sharp: Fuck him. He doesn’t deserve you, Camila. Don’t waste your time.
Me: Thanks, Sharp. I’ll be fine after a few bottles of wine, haha.
<
br /> Sharp: Well, be careful. Have a nice night.
Me: You too.
And I will have a good night and I’ll be fine. I’m so tired of feeling like shit. I need to get a hold of my life before I lose control. Fucking fate and destiny. Those two are ugly and mean bitches. You think they’d want people to be happy and in love, but as soon as two people find their reason, it gets stolen and you find yourself in the corner of your bedroom, rocking back and forth. You’re never able to sleep and stopped eating. I lost twenty pounds and looked unhealthy. Everything I wanted was gone in the blink of my eyes.
“WHAT’S GOING ON, SHARP?”
“Nothing, Natalie.”
“Lies.” I stare at my computer screen as she stares at me back. Fucking Skype meetings.
“Sharp, we know what’s going on so tell us,” Taylor, my newly acquired business partner, chimes in. “Oh! We heard from Cam, so everything’s fine.
“Taylor, I can have you replaced, and yes, she texted me too.”
“PLEASE tell me you were nice.”
“I’m always nice, Taylor.”
“Good! She’s going through a lot of shit right now, and her husband or whatever you call him is a dick.”
Leaning in, I cock my head to the right and smirk. “I know.”
“She told you?” Natalie asks, pushing Taylor back. “Whoa that’s interesting,” she shakes her head, “you seriously better have been nice Sharp or I’ll kick your ass! Now give us the 411 so we’re not surprised.”
“There’s no 411 or whatever the fuck you said.”
“You’re impossible,” Taylor mumbles. “We know you’re up to something, so keep your secrets.”
Drinking my coffee, I set it down, “I’ll fire both of you when I’m back in town, and no, I’m not telling either of you anything.” The girls aren’t going to take no for an answer, but no one can know what’s going on. I know what I’m doing. “Fill me in. What’s been going on with the company?”
We spend the next hour talking about the company and current contracts. I leave the both of them with tasks and trust they’ll get it done.
“Email me with any issues. I’ll speak to the both of you soon.” Before they have the chance to answer, I shut down Skype and turn back to more emails. It’s been a long morning, full of issues and damage control so I don’t lose millions.
My mother walks in with Grayson in her arms. “Someone is missing you.”
I reach over and take Grayson in my arms. He has his mother’s eyes, and they sparkle likes hers. Those intense, beautiful eyes. I see her in him. He coos, turning his head to my chest. “Is he hungry, Mom?”
“No, he just had a bottle, and he’s been burped,” she smiles, sitting down next to me. I’m glad to have my mom travel with me. She’s the only person I trust with Grayson. “Honey, are you okay?”
“Not sure.” Walking around my office with Grayson, I fidget with the watch in my pocket. I’ve had it for years, and I know I can buy a new one, a better one, but I want to keep this one. “I need things to happen now.”
“I know, Honey.” She squeezes my hand reassuring me things will work out.
Besides my mother, I trust my personal assistant and partner. There’s only a few people I trust in this world. Only a few people who know the truth of what I’m hiding.
My phone beeps, indicating an email.
Sharp-
Everything’s in place as per our conversation. Let me know if you need anything else.
I smile. Good. This is what I need to hear. Thinking about my bulletproof plan, I’ve been over this for years. Why have I waited so long? I have my reasons. I needed to know the truth. And with the truth, I can slowly bring it all back, but will I be forgiven for my actions? Are they justified?
We’ll just have to see.
I put Grayson to bed a few hours later. It’s hard letting him out of my arms, but I know my son is well taken care of and loved. I think about the woman who gave me a chance. From the moment he was placed in my arms, I promised him I would give him the best life possible. I have the means to do that and the heart. I may seem like a cold-hearted asshole, but look deeper and you’ll see a broken man trying to stay strong for his son. Soon, his life and mine will be complete.
I know what’s best for us. I know what I need to do. Some people think I’m a heartless bastard, yet how am I heartless?
Pulling out the file from my locked desk, I open it, looking at the pictures from my PI. The pictures capture what I need to see. I touch each one, hoping my touch will be felt. I study each one, memorizing everything I see.
Call it an obsession. Call it whatever you want.
I know what I’m doing. I know what I want. And soon I’ll have it.
“ALL RIGHT, COME ON, SWEETIE.”
“Help me,” I slur, seeing two of Beverly and Natalie. Damn, it looks like four bottles of wine can really fuck you up. But damn, do I feel good.
“Babe, I’m trying, but you need to help me, too. Natalie, you okay?”
“Can we please not let her drink this much again?”
“How do I say goodbye to all of this?” Pushing away from the girls, I walk inside the house and stumble into the living room, breaking down again for the thousandth time tonight. As bad as it is between Henry and me, I’m still a mess. Our lawyers are drawing up our divorce papers, and soon we’ll have to sign off recognizing the dissolution of years of memories and love. “How the fuck do you let go of someone you love?”
Beverly breathes, taking my hands. “Henry’s an asshole, Cam.”
“There’s Ayden too,” I slur, shaking my head. “First, Ayden, and now, Henry. I’m going to fucking be the crazy cat woman and sit in the corner rocking back and forth.”
“Oh, shut up,” Natalie yells. She takes my face in her hands and looks at me, “you’ve been like this for too fucking long. Put on your big girl panties and move the fuck on. I know you think I’m a bitch, but he’s not worth it.”
“I know,” I whisper, “I know, and you’re right. I’m scared. Henry and I built our lives together though.”
“I know, Babe,” she moves a strand of my brown hair from my eyes. “I know.”
We sit on my deck for a little while longer. Natalie brings me a glass of water, but I push it away. The girls talk about Bev’s pregnancy and I instantly feel guilty. I haven’t been there for my friends.
“How’s work going?”
“Really busy,” I sigh. Luckily things have been going nonstop at work so I don’t have to dwell on the things around the house or the divorce. At least I won’t have to worry about Henry coming home. Everything of Henry’s is out of the house. The closet we shared for years only holds my things. The empty side taunts me, but I have to be strong. I can’t be with a man like Henry. I deserve more.
“All right, Babe, well remember: be awesome and text me in the morning.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow morning,” Natalie says, kissing my forehead. “Remember, you’ll be fine.”
“Okay,” I mumble, walking them out and heading upstairs to my room.
Pulling out my phone, I text Sharp. For some reason, I need him to be an asshole to me tonight.
Me: Are you sleeping?
Sharp: No. Do you need something?
Me: Just wanted to talk. My divorce is going through right now. They’re expediting it so we can finalize it ASAP.
Sharp: Glad you found the balls you need to leave him.
Me: What does the ‘A’ in your name stand for?
Sharp: Why?
Me: Just curious.
Sharp: Just an initial.
He’s the most complex man I know, and that’s what attracts me to him. I have no idea what he looks like and it kills me to know I’m falling for someone I don’t truly know. I’ve been asking Natalie and Taylor if there are any pictures of him and both shake their head. Apparently Sharp is a private man. There are no pictures of him online and since he’s away in Europe, I haven’t had the chance to meet
him.
Me: When do you come home?
Sharp: Why?
Me: Just wondering =)
Sharp: Or are you hoping to be a naughty girl with me?
I instantly blush. This is the first time he’s ever said anything like this to me. We usually flirt dangerously close to unknown boundaries, but this is a first. My heart races and my pussy screams for more. I have no idea what to say back! I don’t want to seem like a girl and get whiny and offended, because I’m not.
Me: Maybe ;)
Okay, that’s a girly response! I’ve never done anything this kinky before. Sexting!? I totally need help in that field.
Sharp: Your pussy can’t handle me.
Me: Why do you say that?
Sharp: Are you saying you can?
Me: I’m up for anything.
• • •
The next morning I wake up vowing to be a better and stronger woman. I want to be that Cam again, the girl who stands tall against the bullshit. Walking in my closet, I pick out a navy blue pencil skirt with a white button down.
Stepping in the bathroom, I turn on the water to cool and let the water run down my body. Getting shaving out of the way, I spend a little more time conditioning my hair and making sure it’s soft and smooth. Wrapping the white, fluffy towel around my body, I towel dry my hair and follow it with a blow dryer. While blow drying my hair, I look at myself in the mirror, studying my eyes and face. The dark circles need to be covered, and I’m in need of a facial, stat! Finishing getting ready, I spray on some light perfume and head downstairs, ready to take on the world.
Walking out of my house, I unlock my car and smile because this is a new day, and I will be great. I have to tell myself this. It’s what keeps me going. Swallowing hard, I breathe in and out mentally preparing myself for today.
THE VOICES COMING THROUGH my phone are giving me a headache. I’ve been on this conference call for the past two hours, and nothing is working. No one wants to fucking listen, and I’m ready to cancel my contracts with these assholes.
“Gentlemen, please calm down.”
“Sharp, the cameras. We need to upgrade the system, but first we have to reset—”