by Ellie Cahill
She rolled her eyes. “Oh yeah, my favorite.”
They laughed in a way that told me there was more to it than idle comments.
“When you get it, spike it!” Brady mimicked throwing down the football in the end zone.
“Oh I’m gonna get it?” she asked with raised eyebrows. “Who says I’m even gonna try?”
Brady told me. “She’s an expert. It’s her favorite. We practice in the floral department of the H-E-B.”
“You’re the literal worst,” she told him.
He grinned at her. “But I’m your literal worst, Sweet Girl.”
“God help me.”
I had to laugh at them. They were clearly well-matched. If anyone could deal with the life-changing event of a baby with good humor, it would be these two. I just hoped it wasn’t a deal-breaker.
Ashley joined us, swirling her champagne saucily. “You know, I’ve been thinking about what you asked earlier, Mary,” she said. “I have absolutely no idea when Emmy and Beck started…I don’t even know…dating?”
“Making the beast with two backs?” Brady said solemnly.
“Jesus Christ, Will.” Hadley put her hand over her face.
“Knowing each other Biblically?” he continued.
Ashley laughed. “What’s wrong with boinking?”
“Not classy enough,” Brady declared. “Engaging in adult nap time?”
That got a snort out of me, and another long-suffering sigh from Hadley.
“Doing the horizontal cha-cha?” Brady continued. “Oscillating the unmentionables?”
“Oh my god!” Ashley screeched. “That’s a new one.”
“Don’t encourage him,” Hadley implored. “He can do this for hours.”
“Don’t worry, babe, I’m only using the classy ones. This is a fancy establishment.”
“Okay, yes, but back to the point,” Ashley said. “Do any of you know?”
“Well, seriously, do you think they would have called you all? ‘Hey, guess what, we did it!’” Hadley held an imaginary phone to her head. “I mean, I get that you guys were tight, but come on.”
“No, but I’m still having trouble getting it all to add up,” I said. “Everyone from Iowa seems to think they’ve been together forever.”
“Weird.” Hadley shrugged.
I could understand why she wasn’t as concerned as we were. They weren’t her college friends. And she had just a few other concerns on her mind right now. I wanted more than anything to mull it over with Jake. He was good at this sort of thing. And it was likely he had some kind of insider knowledge. If Beck were to confide in anyone, it would have been Jake.
It didn’t take long to find him. Our designated area wasn’t very large, and there weren’t that many people to block my view. He was standing with the Iowa contingent, making conversation and mostly ignoring the glass of champagne in his hand.
God he looked good. He was gorgeous no matter what he wore, but in a suit, he looked positively edible. Why did he have to live in Chicago?
Why couldn’t I just let go and enjoy a fling in paradise like Ashley could?
He must have felt me staring, because he turned and met my eyes. I held his gaze for a long, painful moment. I wanted to run to him. Tell him I was sorry, or whatever it was I had to say to make it all right between us.
How could I possibly go back to my regular life without the constant companion of my crush on him? What would I even do with all that extra time in my life? Jake was my person. My constant. Even far away. If I’d wrecked that, I would have no one but myself to blame.
He’d spoken in hypotheticals, but he’d basically told me he loved me and wanted to be with me. He couldn’t offer me stability necessarily because it wasn’t his to offer. He didn’t know where his career was going to take him next, but he’d offered me a part in his life no matter what or where that life ended up. I couldn’t have asked him for more, and yet I still couldn’t take it. Because I was scared. That was all.
Scared of taking on a long-distance relationship. Scared of not knowing where he’d end up after grad school. And honestly, downright terrified of leaving my little safety zone of Orange County, California. What if I did? What if I moved to Chicago, or Toronto, or Timbuktu? Did it really matter if I had the chance for everything else that I wanted in life?
But what if everything I wanted didn’t end up matching everything he wanted? We were such good friends. And everything indicated we could be good at the rest. But that didn’t mean he was in the market for a white picket fence and kids and dogs and all of it as soon as possible. Maybe he wanted a penthouse in Manhattan and cocktail parties instead of Sunday Spaghetti with 20-30 family an friends. We could be perfect for each other in every way, but if we weren’t on the same timeline, did any of that matter?
There was nothing for it. I was going to have to put my courage back together and try one last time to talk to him. It was time for some real honesty. No more hypotheticals. No more silly metaphors and double-speak.
It was going to be completely terrifying.
The clinking of a glass told me my bravery was going to have to keep a few more minutes.
24
Everyone Conspires Against Me
There were only two speeches that night. The first was Emmy’s dad. I’d only met him once before this trip, but I’d liked him. He was a computer programmer turned biker, and the mix made for an interesting combo. His was both intelligent and gruff, but clearly had a soft nougat center when it came to his little girl.
“Emmy. My baby. My only baby.” He started in a soft tone, looking at the beautiful bride with nothing but love in his eyes. Then, still near tears, he turned to look at Beckett. “My most precious daughter. The most important thing to me in the entire universe…who I would willingly commit murder for.”
The guests rumbled with laughter, and Beck went wide-eyed.
His threat over, Mr. Black returned to the rest of his thoughts. “I wish your mother could see you today. You’re all grown-up and so beautiful. And I’ve never seen you so happy. My hope for you is that every moment of the rest of your life is just as happy as you are right now.” He got choked up and needed a moment to collect himself. “Beckett. I’m proud to call you my son. Take good care of my little girl. Or else. Got it?”
Beckett put both hands in the air in surrender and nodded.
The crowd laughed again.
The only other toast that night was from the bride and groom. They took the microphone together to thank everyone for making the long journey to their wedding.
“It means so much to us that all of you were so willing to come all this way just to be with us today,” Emmy said. “When we moved to Iowa, we didn’t know what to expect. We were so afraid that we would never have friends and wonderful as our California family.” She extended her hand toward us, and my eyes started to sting. I saw Ashley fanning her eyes. “But the Middlesex community embraced us, and loved us, and supported us from the get-go,” she said. “And we are just so honored to have all of you come together in one place to help us celebrate our wedding.”
Beckett took charge of the mic, using his free hand to hold Emmy’s hand. “When I first met Emmy, I knew I’d found someone special. It’s not every day you find a girl who shares your interest in dissection. Especially one as gorgeous as this girl.”
She shook her head, smiling.
“Anyway. Emmy, you have stood by me though thick and thin. The last few years have truly been the best of my life, and that’s all thanks to you. I think we should get married as often as possible. We’re obviously pretty great at it.”
She gave him a look I couldn’t interpret, while the audience chuckled.
Beck raised his glass. “To Emmy. Thank you for being my wife. I love you.”
“Hear, hear!” We clinked glasses.
There was a first dance for the newlyweds, and a father-daughter dance for Emmy and her dad, who both cried through the whole thing. I was certain they wer
e both thinking of her mom. Finally they cut the cake and opened the dance floor to the rest of us.
When the music was loud enough for dancing, and guests were all distracted with partying, Hadley found me.
“I think I’m gonna tell him tonight,” she said.
“You are?”
She nodded. “I didn’t want to tell him before the wedding, because I wanted him to completely enjoy himself. But it’s getting really hard to keep it a secret. I don’t know how he hasn’t noticed my not drinking yet. And quite frankly, my boobs are getting too big to not be noticed. I’m on the verge of freaking out, like all the time. I just…I don’t know how much longer I can do this. So, what do you think? I can tell him, right? Is he gonna freak out?”
I had no idea. But something inside me was saying that tonight was not the night. If he took the news poorly—which I really hoped he wouldn’t—she’d have all night tonight, all day tomorrow, and another night to deal with before she could go home.
“Maybe you should just wait until morning?” I suggested. “Make sure he’s sober so he understanding what you’re saying.”
“He hasn’t had that much…” she said, but she sounded doubtful. “I don’t know, maybe you’re right.”
“Whenever you decide to do it, I’m here for you, okay?” I offered. “If you need to come sleep in our room or something…”
Her pale face went a shade paler. “You think he’ll be that mad?”
“No!” I shook my head firmly. “No, no, no. I just meant…just in case. Never mind. Ignore me. It’s gonna go great. He’s going to be excited.”
She gave me a wide-eyed nod, but there was no sincerity in it. Then with one hand absently touching her flat stomach, she wandered away without saying anything else.
I took a moment to search the party for Jake, testing my courage internally. I needed to be ready to talk to him, and I didn’t want to put it off too much longer. But before I could find him, I was accosted by a drunk Mandy.
“Mary!” she said, giving me a hug. “There you are! I’m glad I found you!”
Oh boy, I thought. She was definitely feeling no pain. I had a feeling everyone at this wedding was going to need a good long time to recover from all the free-flowing booze at this resort. “I didn’t know you were looking for me,” I said.
“I wasn’t. But here you are.” She patted my arm. “And you look so pretty!”
“Thanks. So do you.”
“I wanted to say thank you again for having breakfast with me.” Her words slurred together into something like “Iwannadasay thinkyoughinforhavin breffastwimme.” She nodded. “Guess what!”
“What?”
“I decided I am gonna move to New York, because you know why?”
“Why?”
“Be-cau-au-au-zzzz…” She drawled the word into about 90 syllables. “‘Cause I can always leave if I don’t like it, right?”
“Right.”
“And if I don’t like it, I’ll just leave.”
“Right.” Hard to disagree with that kind of solid drunk logic.
“And everyone’ll be like ‘Whoa Mandy used to work in New York, we definitely, definitely think she’s good enough for Omaha now, right?”
“Right.”
“So New York it is!” She punched the air. “Here comes Mandy!”
“Good for you!”
“Now I just have to tell all my friends that I’m the one that got the job. Do you think they’re gonna be mad?”
“Of course not!” I rubbed her arm encouragingly. “They’ll be so proud of you.”
“Yes.” She nodded. “Yes, you’re right. They will be. And then I don’t have to keep it all a secret anymore.”
“Yay!” I wasn’t sure if that was the right response, but Mandy nodded.
“I don’t like secrets. My head feels all—” She didn’t supply a word, but shook splayed hands a few inches away from her ears and made an unintelligible noise with her tongue sticking out. “Like that. So no more secrets.” Now she stabbed her chest with one finger. “So I’m goin’ t’New York, and now everybody knows that Emmy and Beck are married so I don’t have that secret any more. Phew!” She hiccuped.
“Good for you!” I squeezed her shoulder, and went on in an enthusiastic tone, “Hey, let’s get you some water, okay?”
I slid my hand through her elbow and guided her toward the bar. She was in a very compliant mood and happily let me get her not one, but two glasses of water, which she drank with gusto. After that I took her to Reina, who I knew she was rooming with.
“She’s a bit of a handful right now,” I advised Reina.
“Ree!” Mandy put her arms around her friend and snuggled into her.
“Oh boy.” Reina handed off her drink to Travis so she could get a better hold on Mandy. “Hey girl, what’s this about?”
“New York,” Mandy mumbled.
Reina looked at me for clarification. I shrugged. “She’ll tell you.”
“I’ll tell you,” Mandy echoed.
The night went on like that. Every time I thought I might have the courage necessary to talk to Jake, I’d get pulled into something else. There were dances that Ashley and Emmy dragged me into. There was an emergency search for a tampon when Reina came back from the bathroom with a look of frustration. There was a long chat with Mr. Black and his second wife about nursing, and especially the at-home hydration company I worked for. Living up in Alaska, as they did, medical services were often long distances away and they were very interested in the company. There was a awkward conversation with Luke where he attempted to nonchalantly probe me about Ashley. The short version was, he wanted to make sure she wasn’t going to get super clingy and stalky. I couldn’t help thinking that maybe he should have learned more about her before they started fooling around, but hey, what did I know right? They were the ones having a carefree vacation fling. Then there was the inevitable moment that someone got hurt and I heard the familiar call of “Mary’s a nurse!”
It was a minor thing—Beck’s mom had slipped out of her shoes to walk on the beach and stepped on something sharp in the dark. Impossible to say what, but she had a small cut that was bleeding. I ran back to my room to grab the small first aid kit I’d packed and quickly cleaned and dressed her cut. It was the most basic of first aid. Something anyone could have done, but when I finished, the wedding party cheered for me like I’d saved her life.
And weirdly, that was the end of the night. The resort doesn’t plan for receptions to run all night long. After all, they’ve provided enough evening entertainment and bars on the property that wedding groups can carry on any way they want.
At first when Emmy suggested a return to the sci-fi discotheque, she was met with groans, but all she had to do was remind everyone that it was her wedding day, and they changed their tunes. It was pretty much the last thing I wanted to do, but what could I say? The bride wins.
* * *
The beautiful girl in the wedding dress made quite a splash entering the dim disco. There were cheers and calls of congratulations and glasses raised by the tourists around the bar and the dance floor. Beckett took Emmy by the hand and twirled her under his arm. Her dress and hair swirled around her in one direction while the disco lights spun in the other. The effect was dizzying but magical.
The DJ changed the music to a slow ballad so they could slow dance, and they were more than happy to sway in each other’s arms, foreheads resting together and whispering things that made them both smile or kiss.
I couldn’t stop smiling at them. Despite everything else crowding my head, I was still completely delighted for them. My eyes sought out one of my friends to share the moment with, but Hadley was pulling Brady out to the dance floor where Ashley was already dancing with Luke. Of course I landed on Jake. He was across the bar, but he was already looking at me when I found him.
My smile faltered a bit, but I tried to hold it for him. As a peace offering and an invitation. Thankfully, he didn’t look away.
That was all the opening I was likely to get. There was no use waiting for courage to return. The time had come.
25
Jake’s Secret
“Are you mad at me?” Not the mature, rehearsed opening I might have hoped for, but there it was.
“I’m not mad.”
“But…” I prompted.
“What do you want me to say, Mary? You told me what you want and you said I’m in your way. So…I’ll get out of your way. But I don’t have to be happy about it.”
“What do you want?” I asked.
“Does it matter?”
“To me? Very very much.”
“I’m just trying not to want anything.”
I shook my head. “That’s not an answer.”
“It’s the basis of an entire religion. It’s a perfectly legitimate answer.”
“Only if it’s true.”
The slow-dancing ballad ended, and the DJ kicked back into high gear with a dance beat. The volume went up along with the tempo, and we both scowled in frustration. This was not a conversation to be shouted.
“Can we go outside?” I asked.
“Fine.”
The music pursued us out the door, and didn’t get bearably quiet until we were nearly at the center of the deserted shopping center. There was a carousel in the center. Shut down and quiet for the night, but with its marquee lights still blinking merrily. The silence of the resting machine was incongruous, and felt out of place for the conversation I was about to have, but there wasn’t anyone around to disturb us, and there was an empty bench where we could sit.
We took up opposite ends of the seat, not touching in anyway. I thought of the night before, how I’d extended my feet into his waiting hands. So much had happened since then.
“Tell me what you really want,” I said.
“Whatever you’re willing to give.”
“Leave me out of it for a second. What do you want?”
He rubbed his face over his hands before answering. “I can’t, Mary. I don’t even remember what I used to do with my life before I met you. All I know is I’ve spent the last six years trying to figure out how to keep you in it as long as I possibly can. And if that meant I could only be your friend, and then your roommate, I thought I could be okay with that. And then that stupid night.”