by Amber Garza
But I kind of liked having him around. It made life a little less bleak.
In fact, I’d found myself actually looking forward to something for a change, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to give that up. But it didn’t stop me from worrying about what would happen when it all came crashing down. And I knew that it would. Both of us were grieving. We were carrying around too much baggage to make any kind of relationship work.
Sometimes I imagined we were ticking time bombs and we’d explode at any moment. And I dreaded when that moment came. I feared the damage it would leave, the injuries that would result. However, today I didn’t want to dwell on that. It was sunny outside and the air carried a fragrant breeze. And, to top it all off, I had an entire day to spend with Sawyer without Mom breathing down my neck. She thought we were at group, but instead we were lying under a tree in the park, our hands intertwined between us.
Clouds moved lazily across the light blue sky. In the distance the sound of children’s voices rang out. It reminded me of when Ben and I were younger. We used to love the playground at the park. My favorite was the swings, but his was the slides. I probably would have liked the slides a little better if he didn’t insist on pushing me down them. I couldn’t even recount how many times I’d landed in the bark face first because of Ben.
Still, I liked playing with him. I followed him around like I was his shadow for years. And he let me. Sure he harassed me and we fought sometimes. But didn’t all siblings? For the most part we were close. Closer than most of the siblings I’d known.
“Look at that cloud. It totally looks like a pair of boobs.” Sawyer’s voice cut into my thoughts.
My head whipped in his direction. “Did you seriously just say that to me?”
“Got your attention, didn’t it?” He winked.
I glanced up at the sky. “I don’t see any cloud that looks like boobs.”
Sawyer laughed lightly. “I know. There isn’t one.”
“You couldn’t think of anything less crude to say to get my attention?” I continued to stare at the sky.
“I actually said a lot of things. That was just the only thing you chose to hear.”
Glaring, I rolled my head to look at him again. “Oh, yeah? What did you say?”
“I told you that there was a cloud that looked like a bunny and one that resembled Santa Claus, but you completely ignored me. Only when I mentioned the word ‘boobs’ did you finally listen. It’s not my fault if you only respond to crudeness.”
“You did not say those other things,” I insisted.
“Actually, I did. Honest.” His face appeared serious. He didn’t have that smirk he usually wore when he was teasing.
My stomach clenched at the realization that I was getting to know him so well I could read his expressions. There were very few people in the world that I could do that with. Ben was one of them. So was my dad. And I’d lost them both. Could I handle losing anyone else? I wasn’t sure. Once again I was reminded at how stupid I was being to continue to hang out with Sawyer.
Before I could say anything Sawyer’s pocket buzzed. He released my hand and sat up. After taking his phone out, he stared at the screen a minute and then typed something with his thumbs.
I sat up too. “Girlfriend checking on you?”
He tossed me an incredulous look. “You know I don’t have a girlfriend.”
“Holden then?” Appearing as nonchalant as I could, I said, “Are you supposed to toss around the football with him today?” Inside I was praying that wasn’t the case. As selfish as it was, I wanted to spend the day with Sawyer. He only promised to stay with me until it was time to take me home from “group.” But secretly I’d been hoping we could hang out longer. Mom wouldn’t object if she knew I was with Sawyer. She trusted him, I could tell. Plus, she thought he was helping me, and I guess maybe she was right.
Not that I would need much of an excuse. This morning I sensed that Mom’s mind was a million miles away. Shaking my head, I forced the thoughts away. I didn’t want to think about Mom, or Dad, or Ben right now. It was too painful.
“No, not today. He’s with Chloe.” Sawyer turned to me. “And I’m with you.”
My heart skipped a beat. I glanced away so he wouldn’t see the longing in my eyes. “So then who was it?” I didn’t know why I kept pressing, but for some reason I couldn’t help my curiosity.
“My dad.” He shoved the phone back into his pocket. “Ever since…you know…” he let the words trail off. It’s not like he needed to verbalize them. I knew exactly what he was referring to. “He worries, so he checks on me throughout the day. You know how it is.”
I actually didn’t know how it was. Sure, I knew what it was like to have my mom breathing down my neck, but not my dad. My dad was gone. Moisture pricked at my eyes, and I blinked it back. The emotion had come out of nowhere, sideswiping me. I hadn’t had time to process it, to stop it. And now here I was, getting teary in front of Sawyer. Panic seized me. I wiped at my eyes while pushing myself up to a standing position. I had to get the hell out of here. With blurred vision, I whirled around, preparing to run.
“Hey.” Sawyer’s hand wrapped around my wrist. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing.” Sniffing, I shook my head. I breathed in and out slowly, attempting to ward off the tears.
“C’mere.” He drew me close, circling his arms around my waist. His hands raked up my back, his fingers stroking my hair. I dropped my head to his chest, listening to his heart thump beneath my cheek. My fingers fumbled up his chest, curving around his shoulders. His finger tucked under my chin, and he gently guided my head up. Our eyes locked. That hunger was in his eyes again, and I knew where this was headed. The smart thing would have been to pull away, but I didn’t want to. It felt good to be held. And I liked that he comforted me without any reservations, without demanding to know what was wrong. He’d been like this with me since the day we met. I’d done nothing but push him away and treat him with coldness, and yet he was kind and gentle at every turn. He tilted his head down toward mine. “Stop fighting me, Addison.” Warm breath cascaded over my lips as he spoke. I was tired of fighting him. Tired of fighting everyone. I wanted one person I could let down my guard with.
“Okay,” I responded.
He angled his mouth, lining it up with my lips. His hands slid up my neck, his fingertips tickling the tender flesh. My pulse quickened. I licked my lips, readying myself. Holding tightly to him, I worked on breathing evenly. His lips barely grazed mine. It reminded me of jumping in the pool on a hot day. The water was soft and light, but the coolness against my skin was powerful and sometimes shocking. That’s the way his lips were – feathery and airy, yet the way they made me feel was anything but. He didn’t pull his lips away, but at times it felt like he did with the way he exerted the slightest pressure and then drew back. The kiss started slow, tender. Not desperate like the last one. But that was okay. I wasn’t sure I wanted fast or desperate today. Odd how he always seemed to know what I needed and when.
His hands left my neck to frame my face. He wiped the traces of tears with his thumb. “Talk to me.”
The sincerity in his eyes almost caused me to spill everything. But the words lodged in my throat. I wasn’t ready to talk about it. Besides, I liked Sawyer. I didn’t want grief to be the only thing we had. If we were only attached because of death and sadness, then that would be the basis of our friendship. And I didn’t want that. Everyone in my life reminded me of Ben; reminded me of the tragedy my life had become. It made it too hard. That’s why I kept pushing them away. I didn’t want to do the same thing with Sawyer. “I can’t,” I finally said.
His face fell. “C’mon. You said you’d stop fighting me.”
I touched his neck, his face. “I am. I just don’t want to talk about sad things anymore. Let’s talk about something else.”
The light returned to his eyes. “Okay. What do you want to talk about?”
“How about football.”
; “You wanna talk about football?” A skeptical expression painted his face.
“Hey, I know a lot about football. I used to play with my dad and brother all the time.”
He chuckled. “Seriously? Little thing like you. They probably ate you alive.”
Stepping back from him, I puffed out my chest. “I’ll have you know, I play a mean game of football.”
“Oh, I see.” A knowing grin spread across his face.
“See what?”
“They went easy on you.”
“They did not!” I demanded. “If you don’t believe me, let’s play sometime.”
“Not sometime. We can do it right now.” Sawyer walked around me.
“Where are you going?”
“To the ‘Barney Mobile.’ I have a football in the back.”
I giggled. “I can’t believe you call your car that.”
He shrugged. “Everyone else does.”
“Yeah, but I thought it was like behind your back or something. I didn’t realize you went along with it.”
“If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, right?”
He was so unlike anyone I’d ever met. “Right.” I smiled before following him to the van to get out a football.
CHAPTER 10
Sawyer
“So how’s this gonna work?” She asked, standing a few feet from me hugging herself. She wore a long sleeved shirt and jeans. Not exactly football attire. Then again, I was wearing pretty much the same thing. It didn’t matter anyway. I may have been trash talking her, but I didn’t plan to play to my full potential. This was all about fun. Glancing over at her, I imagined tackling her to the ground and holding her close. Oh yeah, this was going to be fun all right.
Transferring the ball from one hand to the other, I raised a brow. “I thought you knew how to play.”
“I do.” She stood up straighter, pushing a strand of bright hair out of her face. “It’s just that I’ve never played one on one.”
A dirty joke flew through my mind, but I ignored it. Not the time or place. “I thought you said you played with your brother.”
“And my dad, usually Ben’s friends, and sometimes my mom.”
“Your mom?”
She placed a hand on her hip. “Don’t look so surprised. The West women are tough.”
“I believe it.” I eyed the field around me. A slight breeze picked up, the scent of damp grass wafting under my nose. “Okay, here’s the deal.” I pointed to the two trees behind Addison. “Between those two trees is the end zone.” I paused. “You know what that means, right? Where you make a touchdown.”
“Yes, I know.” Narrowing her eyes, she shook her head. “I’m not an idiot.”
“Never thought you were.” I chuckled. Most of the girls I’d dated had no idea what an end zone was. But Addison wasn’t like any of the girls I’d dated. That was becoming more and more clear every time we were together. Swinging around, I found two trees behind me. “And between these ones is the other end zone.” I turned back to Addison. “Move back a little ways.” She did as she was told. “Okay, now I’m going to throw the ball to you. After you catch it you have to try to make it into the end zone behind me without me tackling you.” I couldn’t help the smug expression that leapt to my face.
She caught it and her lips pressed together in a hard line. Crossing her arms over her chest, she cocked her head to the side. “Why can’t I be the one to tackle you?”
“Hey, if all you want to do is get me on the ground, we can just put away the ball now.” I smiled.
“You wish.” She rolled her eyes. “Fine. Let’s do this.” After rolling her up her sleeves, she shook out her arms.
For a moment I watched her in amusement. There was no way she’d get past me, but it was cute that she thought she had a chance.
“What are you waiting for? You scared?” She hollered.
Without saying a word, I tossed the ball in her direction. Surprisingly she caught it with ease. I was impressed with her speed as she took off running, the ball tucked under her arm. Maybe she did know a thing or two about football. Still, she was no match for me. With a determined look on her face she moved forward. I spread my legs apart, bending my knees. She glanced in my direction and then cut to the left. Smart move. Her brother had taught her a thing or two. Skidding on the wet lawn, I ran toward her. When she saw me advancing, she zig-zagged around me. But I was faster. My arms enveloped her. Holding her tightly around the waist, I gently tackled her to the grass. A small squealed escaped through her lips as she hit the ground.
“Not bad,” I said.
“Shut up.” She reached out, pushing on my chest with her palms.
But I held her in place. “I’m serious. Those were some impressive moves.”
“You’re making fun of me.”
“No, I’m not.” I stole a kiss on her lips.
“But you tackled me.” She pouted.
“Well, since the prize was having you in my arms, I was pretty determined.”
Her lips curved upward. “You’re such a guy.”
I shrugged. “Not gonna deny that one.”
She wriggled out of my grasp. “My turn.”
“You are really determined to pin me down, aren’t ya?” I joked while we scrambled off the ground. Addison wiped dirt and grass from her knees. I threw her an apologetic look. “Your mom’s gonna know you weren’t at group if you come home dirty.”
“I’ll tell her it was an exercise in dealing with our emotions,” she said with a smile. Then she smoothed out her face. “No. I already texted to ask if I could hang out with you afterward, and she was fine with it.”
“So we have more time?” I marveled at how quickly things were shifting between us. A part of me wondered if she was using me to get out of group, but now she was choosing to be with me. This was big.
“Yeah.” She bit her lip as if embarrassed to admit that’s what she wanted.
She did that a lot, but it never worked. Her expressions gave away more than she meant to.
“Cool.” I pointed to her. “Show me what you’ve got.”
“You better be prepared.” She acted so serious, I didn’t dare laugh. Instead, I walked toward my makeshift end zone, while she got in position. “Ready?” She called, bringing her arm back. Only then did I realize how far we were from each other. It made me wonder if she’d be able to throw it all the way to me. I pondered moving forward, but decided against it. And once she threw it I was glad I’d stayed put. She had a good arm. I only had to take a couple of steps forward to catch it. When I started running, Addison moved closer to me. I knew I could sidestep her and hightail it to the trees way before she’d be able to catch me. But the truth was, that didn’t sound nearly as much fun as being tackled by her. So instead of running for my opening, I kept running in a straight line. A smug grin painted her face as she advanced on me.
“Gotcha!” She shrieked when her arms circled me.
I was so much stronger than her that I could have kept running, dragging her down the field. But I allowed myself to drop to the ground. I did roll over, though, so my back hit the grass. Addison landed on top of me. I tossed aside the ball.
“You did that on purpose.” Addison pinned me with a skeptical stare.
I didn’t bother lying to her. She’d barely grabbed onto me when I fell. No doubt she knew it was staged. “Maybe.” Reaching up, I brushed a stray lock of hair from her face. “But you were dying to tackle me, so I thought I’d give you what you want.”
She rolled her eyes. “God, you’re insufferable.”
When she started to push up, I grabbed her arm and tugged her back down. “Just kidding.” She tumbled forward, her face inches from mine. I stroked her cheek with my fingertips.
She swallowed hard. “But I thought you liked to win.”
“Oh, trust me. I’m winning.” Lifting my head from the ground, I pressed my lips to hers. She tasted sweet, and I licked my tongue along her lips until she parted them. Then I th
rust my tongue into her mouth. One of my hands curled around her face, my fingers slipping into her hair, while the other clutched her tiny waist. Her hands fluttered over my chest as her tongue danced over mine. Our kiss deepened, our mouths moving in sync. Never before had kissing someone felt like this. It wasn’t only a kiss. It meant more than that. Almost like we were exchanging each other’s pain, like we were healing one another.
When our lips separated, she threw me a teasing smile. “You’re not winning. No one is.” She lifted her eyebrows. “Neither one of us have scored.”
I couldn’t help it. I laughed. My gaze lowered down her body. “Come back to my place and we’ll change that.”
“Seriously, I should have left after you pointed out the boob cloud.” She hoisted herself up off my body, a light laugh escaping through her lips. “I guess it’s true what they say. Guys really do have a one-track mind.”
I decided to back off. She seemed in good spirits, but I still worried about pushing her away. After snatching up the football, I stood. “Fine. Let’s keep playing. First person to score wins.”
Addison placed her finger to her lips. “Just to clarify. We are talking about scoring a touchdown, right?”
“Yes, Addison. We are.” I grinned.
“Whew.” She swiped the back of her hand across her forehead in mock relief. At least I hoped it was mock relief and not real relief.
I almost asked her about it, but then thought better of it. If she told me that the thought of sleeping with me repulsed her, I wasn’t sure how I’d recover from that. As it was, I’d had to practically force my friendship on her. Now that she was finally coming around, I didn’t want to ruin it in any way.