by Amber Garza
It was difficult boxing up all of our stuff. Every item reminded me of the life I had before. The life with Ben and my dad. I missed my family the way it used to be. But Mom wasn’t interested in reminiscing. She was like a robot, the way she packed with no emotion. It was like she didn’t care at all. Like this wasn’t affecting her. Besides, we weren’t even speaking. I was still angry with her for making me move, for not telling me where Dad was, for keeping so many secrets.
Maybe I wasn’t being fair. Perhaps she was masking her feelings, the same way I’d been doing for months. Either way it was painful to witness. And it made me feel even more alone. I longed for Sawyer. For his tender touch, his strong arms.
I thought about how Sawyer had found Dad for me. So badly I wanted to march up to Dad’s apartment complex and demand answers. I wanted to know why he’d fought with Ben. I wanted to know what he was hiding. But mostly I wanted to know why he’d left. Mom clearly wasn’t sharing anything with me, and even though she acted like she was clueless, I wondered if that was really the case. The more I pondered what happened with Ben, the more in the dark I felt. And the more I suspected that everyone was keeping secrets. Secrets I had every right to know.
“Watcha thinkin’?” Sawyer’s index finger landed on my chin. We were sitting in the middle of the grass in the quad eating lunch on Monday. Chloe and Holden had j left to grab a soda. It was the first time I’d hung out with all three of them since the disastrous movie date. They both had been nice and welcoming, but I couldn’t help but feel a little uncomfortable.
“Nothin’,” I responded quickly, not wanting to spill my thoughts.
“There’s something going on in that pretty head of yours.” He smiled, tipping my chin toward him.
“Okay. Fine.” I grinned back. “I was thinking that I wanted to kiss you.”
“Ah.” There was a gleam in his eye that made my stomach flip. “I think I can grant that request.”
“Can you now?” I bit my lip. It wasn’t what I’d been thinking, but it wasn’t exactly a lie either. Kissing Sawyer was never far from my thoughts.
When his lips brushed mine, the world fell away. With each caress, every push and pull, he breathed life into me. My heart picked up speed, my body warmed. The numbness and loss that always threatened to take over dissipated a little. As I melted into him, the sound of shoes crunching on the grass caught my attention. Sawyer must have heard it too, because we quickly broke apart.
“Sorry.” Chloe shot me an apologetic look. “Didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“Yeah. Don’t stop on our account.” Holden chuckled. “Riddles here has had to witness more than his fair share of PDA between Chloe and me.”
Sawyer put his arm around me and smiled up at his friend. Chloe plopped down onto the ground, holding a can of soda in her hand. Holden joined her. I snuggled up with Sawyer, grateful he was holding me. I felt stronger with his arm encasing me.
“You sure got lucky the other night,” Chloe said to me as she popped the top on the soda can. It cracked and fizzled. “That movie was horrible.” She rolled her eyes.
“It was not,” Holden argued.
“It was. Trust me.” Chloe pinned me with a serious stare. “Ya dodged a bullet, girl.”
My lips curled upward and I tossed Chloe a look of gratitude. I knew what she was doing, and I appreciated it. Suddenly things didn’t seem so awkward between us.
“She’s right, you know.” Sawyer drew me closer, planting a kiss on my forehead. “It was horrible.” His lips feathered over my ear, hot breath warming the skin. “But only cause you weren’t there.”
My cheeks colored at his words. No one else had heard them, so I didn’t respond. And I liked that he whispered them. They were only meant for me. Peering up at Sawyer, my heart leapt in my chest. I liked him more than I’d ever liked a boy before. And I could tell he felt the same way about me.
I hoped I wasn’t making a huge mistake. The truth was, that my heart couldn’t bear losing another person. It’s why I should have stayed away. But it seemed that my heart and mind weren’t in sync when it came to Sawyer. And it was my heart that kept winning out.
The bell rang and we all gathered up our stuff. After we stood, we said a round of goodbyes, and Chloe and Holden headed off in different directions. Sawyer’s class was clear across campus from mine, so I quickly pecked him on the cheek.
“I’ll see ya after school,” I said.
“Wait.” His hand clamped around my wrist. “You’ve been quiet today. What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” I said as if my words were on autopilot.
“Addie,” he said my name like a warning. “Don’t shut me out.”
I sighed. He was right. I was shutting him out, and I didn’t even know why. “Okay. Fine.” My shoulders slumped. He released my wrist. “I think part of the reason I can’t get over my brother’s suicide is because I don’t really have closure.”
“What do you mean?” Sawyer’s eyebrows scrunched together in the center of his forehead. Students flew past us, and I knew we both needed to get to class. But I knew Sawyer wouldn’t let me leave until I finished what I was saying. And honestly, I wanted to fill him in. Now that I’d started talking, I didn’t want to stop.
“I feel like I’m missing something. Like there’s more to my brother’s suicide than what we think. Like someone knows something.” A chill ran up my spine, and I shivered.
Sawyer wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close. I fell against him, pressing my cheek to his chest as he raked his hands up and down my back.
“It just doesn’t make sense. Ben didn’t seem suicidal. I guess I’m trying to understand,” I said. It was silent around us. The bell rang, signaling the start of class, yet neither of us moved.
“I get that.” Sawyer’s fingers painted lines up my back. “It’s like how everyone knows why Preston did what he did. It doesn’t make it any better, but at least we get it.”
I nodded, my chin rubbing against the rough fabric of his shirt. “Yeah,” I breathed out. He understood. Whenever I shared my desire for answers to Mom she kept saying that it didn’t matter. That it wouldn’t bring Ben back. And she was right. But that wasn’t why I needed to do this. Sawyer was the first person to understand. Another wall fell. My heart was becoming more and more exposed. I felt equal parts exhilarated and terrified.
“Mr. Ridley. Miss West.” I flinched at the sound of our principal’s voice. “You two need to be getting to class.”
We separated, my face flaming.
“We are, Mr. Smith,” Sawyer said, placing his hand on my back.
Mr. Smith nodded as we whirled around.
“We’ll talk about this later, okay?” Sawyer whispered to me before we went our separate ways.
“Okay.” I nodded, already feeling lighter from our conversation. It was like Sawyer had already taken some of the load off of my shoulders. I walked toward my class, a slight bounce in my step.
CHAPTER 20
Sawyer
“Toss me another piece of pizza, son.” Dad held out his empty paper plate splattered with grease stains.
I dipped my hand into the pizza box sitting on the coffee table and plopped a piece onto Dad’s plate.
“Thanks.” He returned the plate to his lap and leaned back in the recliner. I took a large bite of pizza, hot cheese dribbling down my chin. After wiping it up with my napkin, I nestled into the couch and stared at the television.
Mom would never allow us to eat in the family room while watching TV if she was home. But it was Monday night, and she was at book club. Mom had been in this club for several years. So one Monday night a month Dad and I had the place to ourselves. We always ordered pizza and watched ESPN until Mom came home.
“How are things with Addison?” Dad asked, taking a long pull of his beer bottle. My parents hadn’t met Addie yet, but I’d told them about her.
“Good.” Hoping he’d let it drop, I reached for the two liter of soda and chugge
d it.
Dad shook his head, but didn’t reprimand me. It’s not like anyone else was going to drink it anyway. Mom and Dad didn’t drink soda. Dad was too busy getting all his calories through beer, and Mom was a complete health nut. If it wasn’t organic, she wanted no part in it.
“Seems like things are getting pretty serious,” he pressed.
I swallowed hard. It’s not that I didn’t like talking to Dad. But I wasn’t really sure what to say. Addie and my relationship seemed to be going well right now, but I’d learned not to trust it. With Addie, anything could set her off. She was like a stray cat – all skittish, ready to pounce away at a moment’s notice. “I don’t know,” I finally said.
“Uh oh. Is there trouble in paradise?” It was a phrase Dad used a lot, and it elicited a tiny chuckle from me.
I shrugged. “No, things are pretty cool with us right now.” Setting the two liter on the coffee table, I lifted my hand to scratch my chin. “But that could change.”
“How so?” Dad’s thick eyebrows furrowed. His fingers played with the edge of his plate.
“Addie’s going through a lot right now with losing her brother and her dad takin’ off. She has a hard time trusting anyone.”
“Including you?”
“I think she trusts me more than anyone,” I said honestly.
“Well, that’s good.” Dad nodded encouragingly.
I breathed in deeply, not answering him.
Detecting my hesitation, Dad leaned forward. “It is good, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.” I bobbed my head up and down. “I think so.” I paused, thinking. “It’s just that sometimes with Addie I feel like I’m skating on thin ice, and I never know when I’ll hit a crack and fall right in.”
“She keeps you on your toes, huh, son?” Dad threw me a wink before biting into his pizza. Sauce coated his lips, and he swiftly wiped it away.
I chuckled. “I guess you could say that.”
“Your mom was like that. The keepers always are.”
A grin swept across my face. Addie was a keeper. I was sure of that. I only hoped she wanted to be kept.
“You really like her, huh?” Dad asked after swallowing down his recent bite.
“Yeah. And I know she likes me too. But she’s carrying all this baggage, you know? And I wish I could lighten the load,” I said.
“Have you told her that?”
“Lots of times.”
“And has she told you how you can help her?”
I smiled, remembering how she said I could keep touching and kissing her, but I wasn’t going to share that with Dad. “There are a lot of unanswered questions surrounding her brother’s suicide. I feel like if she got those answers it would help her gain some closure.”
“Do you feel like you’ve gotten closure with what happened with Ryan?” The question surprised me, and it took a moment to recover.
Clearing my throat, I fingered a loose thread on the couch. Cheering and loud noise erupted from the TV, but suddenly I wasn’t so interested in the game. “You sound like Mom,” I joked.
Dad laughed lightly, but didn’t change the subject. He continued to stare at me expectantly. I guess that meant I wasn’t getting out of this conversation.
“I think so. I mean, unlike Addison, I know why Preston did what he did.”
“Does it help?” Dad asked. “To know why he did it?”
“A little. It doesn’t stop the nightmares though,” I blurted out before I could stop myself. Then I backtracked. “Please don’t tell Mom I said that. I told her they’d stopped. I didn’t want to worry her.”
“I won’t say anything.” The corner of Dad’s eyes crinkled in concern. “But I do wish it had been true. Do you think you need to see a therapist or something?”
“No.” I shook my head. “They are getting better. I think I need to give it time.”
“But you think Addison needs more than time?”
“Yeah, I do. It’s more personal for her. I lost my friend. She lost her brother.”
Dad wore a pensive look as he tented his fingers. “Then you should help her find answers.”
“I tried. I found her Dad for her, but she wasn’t ready to talk to him. I’m not sure what else I can do.”
“I’m sure you’ll figure it out, son. You’re resourceful.” He sat up, resting his back on his chair. “Now let’s talk about your plans for after graduation.”
I groaned. “Can’t we just watch sports?”
Dad laughed. “Okay, I guess we’ve had enough serious talk for one night.”
When Dad returned his attention to the TV, I blew out a sigh of relief. Assisting Addie was one thing. I could do that. Trying to figure out my future was quite another. Right now, that seemed nearly impossible.
CHAPTER 21
Addison
She was crying.
But that was nothing new. It was where she was crying that drew my attention. Slipping out of my room, I scrambled across the hall and peeked my head into Ben’s room. Mom sat in the middle of the room, many of Ben’s things strewn around her. An open box sat near her right knee. In her hand she held his football jersey as tears poured down her face.
A memory flashed in my mind of the first time I saw Ben in his Tigers jersey. He’d been so proud of making the team. The night he made it we all went out to dinner to celebrate. Tears pricked at my eyes, but I blinked them back. After clearing my throat, I stepped into the room. It felt weird to be in here. Like I was trespassing. When Ben was alive, I had to knock first. If I came barging in here, he’d get angry, demand that I knock. Sometimes I’d tease him about it. Other times I did what he said. It depended on his mood. But he wasn’t here to tell me to knock anymore, so I walked right in.
It still smelled like him to me. The faint scent of the cologne he sometimes wore lingered in the air, and it was mixed with BO and dirty socks. Mom used to berate him endlessly about the stench in here. But he was never good at putting his dirty clothes in the wash. It wasn’t uncommon for him to wear the same thing multiple times because he forgot to wash it. Used to drive me nuts. Now I think it wouldn’t be so bad. At least he’d still be here.
“Mom?” I spoke softly, coming up behind her.
She sniffled, and her head bounced up in my direction. Her knuckles were white from how desperate she held onto the jersey. As if she was caught doing something she shouldn’t, she released the shirt, and it fluttered to the ground. It landed on the carpet, our last name staring up at me in block letters.
“You okay?” I asked, although it was sort of a rhetorical question at this point. Surely she wasn’t okay.
She shook her head, frantically swiping at her wet cheeks. “I can’t do this. I can’t box up his things. Whoever buys this house is going to have to do it themselves.”
I would’ve laughed at the irrationality of her statement, except that I was pretty sure she was serious. Mom had put our house on the market last week, and already we’d had people interested. That was why Mom was already packing. It was only a matter of time before we’d have to be out of here. But we couldn’t expect the new homeowners to clean up Ben’s room. Besides, Mom would have regretted it if we got rid of all his stuff. She may not have been ready to go through everything just yet, but it didn’t mean she never would be.
“Mom, you can’t leave Ben’s room for someone else to deal with,” I blurted out what I’d been thinking.
“I know you’re angry with me, but I can’t deal with that right now,” Mom snapped.
Her words made me feel like crap. “I’m not really angry with you. I’m sort of angry at everything right now.”
“Well, you sure direct a lot of that anger towards me. It’s like you blame me for all of it.” Her lips trembled. I remembered Dad’s words to her, and I wondered if maybe she’d been harboring guilt all this time. Perhaps she did believe this was her fault.
“Mom, I don’t blame you. I blame Ben. He did this. I know that.” I paused, knowing it was time to be op
en with Mom. I’d been shutting her out for too long. Lowering myself to the ground, I sat beside her. Ben’s jersey rubbed against the bottoms of my bare feet. “If I’ve been rude to you at all, I’m sorry. I haven’t been coping well with this. I miss Ben, and I’m angry with him for leaving.” Emotion rose inside of me, and I swallowed it down. “And I’m angry with Dad for taking off. And I guess deep down I’ve been mad at you for selling the house, and for not telling me where Dad was, or even that you’d been in contact with him.” Biting my lip, I played with my hands in my lap. “I feel like I lost everything in the span of one week, and I haven’t known who to trust or who to talk to about it.”
“But I’ve always been here.” Mom’s hand covered mine. “You know you can talk to me about anything.”
I shook my head. “But look at you, Mom. You’re grieving too. How can I expect you to shoulder my grief as well?”
“Oh, honey.” Mom scooted closer to me, touching my face with her free hand. “I’m your mom. It’s my job to shoulder your problems. It’s my job to shield you and protect you and help you. And that’s what I want to do.”
I thought about how Sawyer had said the same thing to me, and it made me sad. Sad for Mom that she didn’t have Dad here to help her. This was the time that she needed support the most, and he took off. Anger towards him resurfaced. But then it was replaced with anger for myself. With Dad gone, I should’ve been more sensitive towards Mom. I shouldn’t have pushed her away so much. Didn’t I do exactly what Dad had done? I wasn’t any better than him.
I glanced around Ben’s room. “I’ll do it,” I said suddenly, knowing how I could make it up to her.
“You’ll do what?” Mom appeared perplexed.