Torlan held her close, trying to hide the uncertainty in his eyes. Could Zena really take a lover, bear a child? His desire for her was so strong he often wondered how he could contain it, but even more, he did not want to harm her. He sat up again, afraid to stay close for too long, lest desire overwhelm him.
To hide his thoughts from Zena was impossible. "You must not worry," she comforted him. "My legs may not work but my heart does, and the places in my body that serve it. I am certain the Mother wishes me to take you as my mate - and to bear a child one day. It cannot be otherwise."
Anxiety came into her eyes. "It is not about that I worry," she continued, her voice sober now, "but of Akat and the Mother's ways."
Torlan looked at her questioningly but did not speak.
"It is the will of the Mother that you alone be my mate," Zena explained. "I have always known this. But how can that be when the Mother teaches otherwise?"
"Perhaps the Mother wishes us to change our ways and take only one mate now," Torlan replied, keeping his voice carefully neutral. A spurt of pure joy had filled him at Zena's words. He had known for a long time that Zena would be his only mate, but he had not known how she felt, had become resigned to the fact that she must take others. She was Zena, after all, who more than anyone else must follow the ways of the Mother. Still, for Zena to mate with other men had always felt wrong to him, not just because he did not wish it, but because the idea felt wrong. To know that she agreed was so good he dared not speak of it, not yet, not until he was certain she meant what she had said.
Zena's gaze seemed to penetrate his thoughts, as it always did, but she answered his comment instead of saying more.
"That is possible," she agreed, "but I still worry. Change can bring pain as well as happiness. To have only one mate would please Rofal and Borg, perhaps others, but would it please Sarila and Katalin? And what of the violence we are taught will come if Akat does not belong to the women, of the fighting that can break out if the women do not take each of the men in their age group, without showing favoritism? Even in a tribe as peaceful as this, that can happen.
"Akat can still belong to the women," Torlan pointed out. "Perhaps some could choose one mate, others many."
Zena nodded. "You may be right. Still, it would be harder for all of us, men as well as women, if each woman must decide how she wishes to mate instead of just following the Mother's ways. We will have to think very carefully before we change."
She sighed. This problem had been worrying her for a long time, and she knew she had not solved it yet. She had not even understood its full dimensions until she had faced the fact that she would mate only with Torlan.
"We must discuss this in the council," she went on, "where everyone can speak. I need to tell the others that I wish to take only you as my mate, that I believe this is the Mother's will. We will see what they think."
Torlan studied her face. She had said again that he would be her only mate, had said it as if this was already understood between them. Surely, now, he could speak.
"To hear you say this brings me great happiness," he told her, his voice shaking with the intensity of his emotions. He steadied himself before he went on. "For me this is also true. To mate with anyone other than you is not possible for me, has never been possible. I have known this for a long time."
Zena smiled, and her face lightened. "I know," she answered, and there was such love in her voice that Torlan had to force himself not to grasp her in his arms again.
Zena did it for him. Reaching up, she pulled him down beside her once more. Her arms were powerful because they often held the weight of her whole body, slight as it was, and Torlan found himself on the ground before he could resist.
He laughed. "You are strong!" His laughter evaporated quickly as he felt the curves of her body against his.
Zena did not answer, only pulled him closer still. To hold Torlan in this way brought feelings she had not known existed. She too had once been fearful of trying to have Akat, lest she be unable to feel its pleasure, but she had soon realized it was not so. Even looking at Torlan had begun to arouse desire, desire that she felt in her body, not just in her mind. The Mother had not denied her this.
"You are my beloved one," Torlan murmured, intoxicated by her nearness. He stroked her cheeks with one finger, watched a faint blush cover them. Their softness made him groan.
"As you are mine," Zena replied, and knew it was so. There would never be anyone except Torlan for her. For a moment, she thought of Lilan and Marita, of how they would say she was too young still - not for Akat; they knew that was not true - but too young to take the chance of starting a new life, bearing a child, then she abandoned herself to the feelings that were coursing through her body. To go ahead was the Mother's will; she was certain of it. She did not have as much time as others; that, too, she had always known. She must make good use of the time she had.
Slowly she ran her hands across Torlan's body, felt him try to draw away. "I should leave now," he gasped, knowing that soon he would be unable to stop.
Zena's voice, calm and certain, reassured him. "No," she murmured into his ear. "It is better if you stay. Do not worry; you are a part of me and cannot hurt me. It is all right."
Joy filled Torlan again, and he relaxed against her. So often he had dreamed of Akat with Zena, had hoped for it, but he had never known, never been sure. Now it was to be. A sensation of total peace washed over him, despite the urgency of his desire, and for a moment he lay utterly still, savoring the knowledge that they were here together, that they would soon be joined, that all they had hoped for would come to pass.
Slowly, of their own volition, his hands moved again. They left Zena's face, began to wander across her arms, her thighs, her rounded breasts. She felt the fingers like feathers against her skin but then the touch deepened and fire invaded her belly. Hot, unquenchable, it made her moan. She ground her hips against Torlan's body, felt how hard he was, wanted desperately to have that hardness inside her. She had not known how this would be, had not known... No one could know...
She pushed the urgency away. They must not hurry. Never again would there be this very first time. Her hips relaxed again and she sighed with pleasure. For a long time, they stroked each other slowly, waiting, wanting, savoring the experience.
The waiting broke suddenly, could no longer be borne. Torlan's lips came against hers, and then she felt his tongue inside her mouth, hard and probing, mimicking what soon would be. Her own mouth open wide with the tongue's force; passionately, she sucked it in. The lips became tender again, only caressing hers lightly, and she groaned with pleasure. To feel so much lightness, so much tenderness, brought an intensity of pleasure she had never known existed; she wanted it never to stop, but she wanted more, too, wanted the forcefulness back again, both at once, always.
She clutched Torlan with urgent hands, then stroked him gently, over and over, first one and then the other, and she waited, knowing she could not keep this burden of heat inside her much longer. Soon, it would explode and pull her into some other place, a place she had never been before...
She felt him lift her gently and arrange the furs under her body, so all was softness beneath her hips, her back. The fire within her had spread out now, to her chest, even her arms and fingers, and she knew she could not wait any longer.
"Now," she said to Torlan. "I must have you now." Once more, he held her close, as close as if their bodies had already fused, then he pulled away. Gently, he lifted one of her legs, then the other, so they were spread apart. He stared down at her, at the waiting hips, at the face that was suffused with passion, and felt almost faint with joy.
"Now," he agreed, and lay above her, holding his weight on his hands. He did not want to hurt her, must be careful...
Slowly, he came inside her, still holding himself away so his weight did not press against her, but she clutched at him, would not let him be apart, as she felt the fire grow stronger still. There were flashes of flame now,
flashes that grew hotter and hotter until suddenly they exploded into an ecstasy so great it could barely be borne.
Powerless now to think of anything except the urgency inside him, Torlan wrapped Zena in his arms and let the passion take him. Over and over, he thrust into her. A cry he did not hear came from him as the shuddering spasms began and the warm juices spurted from him. But she heard, and even as she felt him shudder against her, the ecstasy returned. Together, they were propelled into some distant place, a place where there was nothing but sensation, pure, born of love. The Mother was there with them, inside them, all around them, bathing them in a light so intense their bodies seemed to glow. Except they had left their bodies now, were floating above them in space. All was spirit here, the Mother's spirit, that had enclosed them in its brilliance so that they were one with Her as they were one with each other.
Slowly, the light faded, and Torlan collapsed into her, above her. Her arms went around him and tears poured from her eyes, because she had known him in this blessed way, because they were more than ever one person, because she had been with the Mother even as she had been with Torlan. And when she felt warm drops against her cheek, she knew that Torlan had felt it as well, the presence of the Mother.
"Akatalelo," she breathed. "Akat that is of the Mother."
Torlan did not answer, could not, but he knew she was right. Few people ever experienced this special kind of Akat, but they had. The Mother had blessed them indeed.
They lay still for a long time, incapable of movement. After a while, Torlan slid his body so that he lay beside Zena, to remove his weight, but once he had done that, he felt as if he might never be able to rouse himself again.
"Together, we will know them all," Zena murmured faintly.
"Yes," Torlan answered, knowing what she meant. All the various kinds of Akat would be theirs together - the playfulness of Akato, the slow sensuality of Akatelo and the tenderness of Akatele, perhaps even Akate, fast and lustful, but still wondrous in its way, and best of all, Akatalelo, as spiritual and filled with the Mother's presence as it had been today.
Another more immediate presence made itself felt, and Zena laughed. Lupo, who had sat quietly nearby while they mated, had thrust her muzzle impatiently in their faces, trying to lick them. Time to pay attention to me, she seemed to be protesting. Torlan raised himself onto an elbow to pat her.
"Soon, her pups will be born," Zena said. She wondered how and where Lupo had mated. None of them had seen another wolf nearby, but somehow Lupo had found one. The urge to mate was very strong, as she had just discovered.
She smiled luxuriously. "I do not think I could manage that twice in one day," she admitted, "though I have heard that many others can."
"Nor I," Torlan agreed. "Perhaps that is because we felt it so intensely."
"That is certainly true - the intensity." Zena's eyes became hazy with remembrance, and a spurt of desire came again.
Torlan saw it, felt his own body respond, but he pushed the feeling away. "I would rather have just what we have had," he said. "It was so perfect."
Zena nodded in agreement. What they had experienced together was enough for today.
The next day was another matter, and so were the days that followed. Over and over again, they came together in Akat, as if their bodies could not get enough of the closeness, the sharing, the ecstasy they had discovered. Each time was as blissful as the last, though both Zena and Torlan doubted that any encounter, ever, could match the magnificence of that first mating.
The others understood what had happened - the rapture in Zena's face, the joy in Torlan's, made it obvious - but they did not speak. Instead, they left the young couple alone to enjoy fully these first magnificent experiences of Akat.
Zena broke the silence herself when she called a council. The time had come to tell the others of her belief that the Mother meant her to mate only with Torlan, she realized. There was more she must say, too, words she had put off saying for a long time, had not wanted to think of during these glorious days, but now she must speak. To keep silence could be dangerous.
She began by telling the others about herself and Torlan. "In some strange way," she told them, "Torlan gives wings to my earthbound body, wings that permit me to fly into the sky, into the visions, so that I see more clearly what the Mother wishes. We are as one, and that is why only he can be my mate."
No one was surprised at her statement. To imagine Zena with anyone but Torlan, or Torlan with anyone but Zena, had always been difficult.
"What of you, Torlan?" Katalin asked curiously.
"It is my destiny to be Zena's mate," he answered simply. "For me to take others would feel wrong."
Katalin nodded. She had always wondered why she had never thought of Torlan as a mate; now she understood.
"I believe the Mother wishes you to mate only with Torlan because you have been so sick," Marita told Zena. "For others, it is different."
Lilan probed more deeply, grasping the implications. "That is possible, but we must still think how this affects the whole tribe," she argued. "If Zena can choose in this way, perhaps others should be able to choose also."
"In Zena's case, it is the will of the Mother," Pulot commented. "That may not be true of anyone else."
"Perhaps," Lilan countered, "but it is also possible that the Mother wishes all of us to change. We must think of that."
"We must think of the men, too, of what they would prefer," Bukkor inserted.
A woman who had recently joined the tribe laughed. "Men always want more than one mate," she retorted. "I have never met one who did not - except for Torlan."
Borg almost answered her, but held his peace. He was not part of this tribe any more, and to speak felt wrong.
Instead, it was Rofal who challenged the statement. "I am one," he told her. The woman's eyebrows went up in disbelief, but she did not say more.
Zena regarded her brother with gentle eyes, aware that for him to speak of this issue was difficult. "I understand better now how you feel, Rofal," she told him. "I would like to hear what you think. You have dealt with the problem longer than anyone, and can help us find solutions."
Rofal cast her a grateful glance. For a long time, he had been deeply jealous of Zena, but those feelings had vanished in the time when she had been so ill. Now, he wanted only to help her if he could. He took a deep breath, trying to think how he could explain what he had learned. It was not easy.
"I have never wanted anyone but Sarila," he began in his deep, soft voice. "All of you who have been with the tribe for many years know this. That has not changed, but the reasons for it are different now. At first, I wanted no other man to mate with Sarila because I believed she belonged to me, that it was wrong for her to take others. I was angry when she did."
His voice faltered as he remembered the terrible anger, how it had almost made him hate Sarila, whom he loved so much. She rose swiftly and came to sit beside him.
He took the hand she offered and then forced himself to go on. The others must know what he had finally understood. "Now, it is different," he resumed in a steady voice. "I do not mate with anyone but Sarila because that is my wish, not because she is mine. No one can own another person. I cannot stop her from taking others, though I wish she would. This, she must decide, and now that there is the possibility of change, I hope..."
He stopped abruptly. "I hope she will wish this also, but she must decide."
Sarila smiled at him and pressed his hand but she did not speak. There was patience in her face, Lilan saw, and something that looked like resignation. She decided to break the silence that had fallen after Rofal's statement herself, so Sarila would not feel forced to answer his plea until she was ready.
"We must speak of the fighting that could come if the women no longer invite all the men in their age group to have Akat, as the Mother decreed," she said briskly.
Zena nodded in agreement. "I have asked the Mother for guidance on this matter for a long time and I believe S
he may wish us to change, but not in the way I had thought."
She stopped, gathering her thoughts. "Women must continue to choose," she went on, "so that men do not fight with each other for a particular woman. But I believe there will always be some cases, like my own, when a woman and a man wish to mate only with each other. This happens, I think, when the person who is closest to our hearts is also a mate. Most of us have a special friend, the person to whom we feel closer than any other. When this person is a brother or sister or mother, or another man or woman, there is no conflict and we are happy to have many mates. But when the special friend is also a mate, such a strong bond may develop that to take others feels wrong. Then I believe it is the Mother's will that we do not. The hard part comes when one person feels that way and the other disagrees."
Marita nodded, thinking of Katalin and Borg. Borg wished only to have Katalin, but Katalin wished to have many mates. "What should we do if the two people cannot agree?" she asked.
"That can be very hard," Zena answered. "Most important, I think, is that each be allowed to choose freely, just as Rofal has said. For a woman to agree to mate with only one man because he wishes it when she does not, is wrong. He must accept this. A woman must accept also, if the man she cares for wants to take other mates. No one, ever, should agree to choose one mate or many because of fear or selfishness, or because they wish to please another. To tell the difference between fear and a wish to keep peace, or between the desire to please and the wish to give all of oneself to another is not easy. Each of us will have to look deep in our hearts to understand what is best."
"That is indeed difficult," Lilan murmured. "I think Zena is right," she continued in a stronger voice. "Perhaps the Mother wishes us to take more responsibility now for our decisions about Akat. Each person - the men as well as the women - will have to think hard about what is right for us – one mate or many. That is the only way to keep peace within the tribe."
CIRCLES IN THE SKY (The Mother People Series Book 2) Page 20