by Glen Cook
"I like his thinking. So how come you're here? Not that I'm complaining. I couldn't have daydreamed a nicer surprise." I was hungry. I couldn't correct that hanging around on the stoop. I went to work with my key.
"I guess because you're the only one who knows what's going on."
"Boy, don't I wish." The door was bolted on the inside. I let out a shriek that got everybody within two blocks looking my way. I pounded away. Nobody responded.
"Is anyone in there? I couldn't get an answer."
"They'd better be dead. If they're not, I'm going to kill them. They're drinking up my beer and eating up my food and now they won't let me into my own house. I'm going to skin them and make myself a suit out of their hides."
"What are you going on about?"
"How many escaped patients have they recovered?"
"Only a few. It's not like they're trying real hard."
"A couple of them turned up here and I let them stay." The Goddamn Parrot was in there hollering so loud I could hear him through the door. I put on eternity's most forced smile. "You said it. No good deed goes unpunished."
"They're here now?"
"Somebody barred the door. If I have to break in, I'm going to carve somebody into rat snacks."
"Aren't you overreacting a little?"
Yes. "No!"
I received a completely unexpected hug. "Guess I'm not the only one who's had a bad day."
"Once we get in, let's butcher one of the clowns and discuss our bad days while we eat him."
"Don't be so gruesome. Who are they?"
"Ivy and Slither."
"Are you sure?"
"That's the names they use. What they want to be called." I pounded on the door and howled some more. "Soon to be past tense." Across the street, Mrs. Cardonlos came to her window and gave me that look. I was going to get another protest from the citizen's committee. How dare I raise hell on my own front stoop?
I sent Mrs. Cardonlos a smile. "Wait till I get my next psychopathic killer, lady. I'll tell him you're desperate to meet a real man."
"You don't have some secret way to get in?"
"You didn't grow up in this neighborhood, did you? If I had a secret entrance, the villains would have used it to clean me out a long time ago."
"You don't expect me to apologize for where I grew up?"
Careful, Garrett. "You didn't pick your parents. Just ignore me. I get testy when I can't get into my own house." I went to work on the door again.
The lady had begun to doubt the wisdom of being with me. I made a special effort to remain calm and reasonable when Ivy finally cracked the door an inch, keeping it on the chain while he checked me out.
"Ivy, it's me. I'm home and I'd really like to visit my kitchen. Think you could speed it up?" I scanned the street quickly. Looked like everybody who'd shown any interest lately was out there watching. Even a guy with an eyepatch and an earring. I couldn't see if he had a pegleg, but I knew where he could pick up a parrot cheap.
The door opened. There to greet me was Slither. "Doc Chaz. Garrett. Sorry. I was in the kitchen whipping something up. I thought Ivy was taking care here." Ivy was at the door to the small front room, looking inside with eyes that had glazed over. "Looks like he's having one of his spells."
"I'm about to have one of mine."
"Bad day?"
"That catches the spirit of it." Slither wasn't listening. He was headed for the kitchen.
Chastity asked, "These men escaped with you?"
"Not with me. But they were both in my ward."
"I know Rick Gram." She indicated Ivy. "The other one is a stranger."
"Slither claims he got in there the same way I did. And the same guy put him there."
"Grange Cleaver?"
"The very one."
"Maybe. I don't recognize him. But there were four hundred men in your ward. And I was expected to concentrate on the female population."
We hit the kitchen. Slither announced, "Not a lot of supplies left here, Garrett. You need to do some shopping."
Scowling, I put an arm around Chastity's shoulder and headed for the back door. I didn't want to be home after all. With the thumb of my free hand I stroked the red side of a wood chip. "I'm ducking out the back way, Slither. The front door ever gets barred again I'm going to cut somebody's heart out. You make sure Ivy understands." Intuition told me that was all Ivy. He been Long Range Recon once upon a time, but he was afraid of his own shadow now. "My house, Slither. My rules and my ways."
"Stay cool, Garrett. I got it under control. You and Doc Chaz go somewhere, have a good time."
46
"I hope every villain in town is camped out in front of my place." Chastity and I were enjoying a perfect evening. Nearly perfect. I had one bad moment at a place where I caught a glimpse of Maya Stuub. Once upon a time Maya had thought more of me than I'd thought of myself.
Maya didn't see me. I put her out of mind and had a nice time.
Chastity was all right. I could relax with her. I told her tales of the Garrett that was, suitably edited for modern audiences, and she did the same with Chaz Blaine—though she didn't say much about her family. We lost track of time. Time lost track of us. An apologetic fellow with a grungy towel on his arm advised us that it was time to close. We nodded and apologized back and left too much money and went out to wander streets we didn't see. For both of us the world had come into narrow focus. We were our universe—that teenage feeling...
"My gods you're beautiful," I told her in a place that wasn't mine. And she was. More than I had imagined.
Her insecurities burned through. She protested, "My nose is crooked and one eye is higher than the other and my mouth is tilted and one boob is bigger and higher than the other."
"You got weird toes, too, but I don't give a damn. You hear me howling about what a prize I am? Lucky you, not even having to find the end of the rainbow."
"We're all overstressed these days, aren't we?"
"Absolutely." Nobody anywhere was comfortable. Conflicts were feeding upon one another. "A moment that loosens us from the cycle of despair is a treasure."
"Was that a compliment? I'm going to take it in that spirit."
Actually, it was a quote from the Dead Man, but why disappoint the lady?
Got to be getting old. I woke up feeling guilty about not having done anything useful about Emerald Jenn. I watched Chaz sleep. I recalled Morley's comment about her quality. I remembered seeing Maya. I felt a twinge of pain.
Chaz opened an eye, saw me looking, smiled, stretched. The sheet slipped off her. I gulped air, astounded all over again.
Next time I knew it was an hour later and I hadn't heard a word from my might-have-beens the whole time.
"So what do you intend to do?" Chaz asked, having heard the details of the case.
"That's my problem. Common sense says walk away. Tell myself some people tried to use me, I made some money, we're even."
"But part of you wants to know what's going on. And part is worried about the girl."
I admitted nothing.
"Waldo told me about the case he helped you with."
Naturally. He wouldn't have missed a chance to play his big It Was All My Fault scene. "Waldo?" They were on a first-name basis?
"Waldo Tharpe."
"Saucerhead. Sometimes I forget he has a real name."
"And your friend Morley told me about a case involving a girl named Maya and something called the Sisters of Doom."
"He did?" That startled me.
"It's pretty obvious, Garrett. You're an idealist and a romantic. With big clay feet, maybe, but one of the last good guys."
"Hey! Wait a minute. I'm turning red here. Anyway, there's never been anybody more pragmatic than Mrs. Garrett's little boy."
"You can't even convince yourself, hard boy. Go. Find Emmy Jenn. Help her if she needs it. I'm getting out of the way. You don't need distractions."
"That's where we disagree."
"Down, boy. Whe
n you've wrapped it up, send me a message at my father's house. I'll be knocking on your door before you can say Chastity is a naughty girl."
"Uh-oh." Not again.
"What?"
"Don't get mad. I don't know who your father is."
"You didn't investigate me?"
"I didn't see a need."
"My father is the Firelord Fox Direheart."
Oh, boy. I made a squeaking noise.
"Can you remember?"
Squeak. I don't dally with the daughters of sorcerer nobility. I don't relish the honor of having my hide bind somebody's grimoire.
"Don't let the title intimidate you. He's just old Fred Blaine at home."
Right. What I've been looking for all my life, a girlfriend whose pop is a frontliner but wants me to slap his back and call him Fred.
"You'll get in touch?"
"You know I will, devil woman." I wouldn't be able to resist.
"Then get back to your quest. I can find my way home." Cute little frown. "And then Daddy will get in his ‘I told you so' about the hospital job. I hate it when he's right, because he's always right about people being cruel and selfish and wicked."
I collected a farewell kiss and headed for home wondering why one of Karenta's leading sorcerers was here in TunFaire instead of working the cleanup detail down in the Cantard.
47
I slipped in the back door. Slither and Ivy were in the kitchen, one drunk and the other cooking. Slither said, "Yo, Garrett. The cupboard is bare."
"Need a new keg, too," Ivy slurred.
"Sing, Johnny One-Note," I grumbled. If they didn't like it, they ought to do something about it.
Up front, the Goddamn Parrot was squawking about neglect. I wondered if Slither had started eating parrot chow, too.
I wondered what the Dead Man would think if he woke to find himself in this zoo.
I said, "I guess that means it's time you moved on to greener pastures."
"Huh?"
"You done anything to find work? To find your own place? I think I've done my share."
"Uh... "
"He's right," Ivy said. His tongue tangled, but otherwise he was more articulate drunk than his sidekick was when he was sober. "We haven't contributed here. It's possible we're not capable. And this is his home."
Damn. The man made me feel guilty when all he was doing was telling the truth.
"I washed the goddamn dishes, Ivy. I did the laundry. I scrubbed woodwork. I even sprayed bugweed juice on the thing in the lib'ary to keep the crawlies off'n it. So don't go saying I didn't do nothing, Ivy. What the hell you keeping a mummy around for, Garrett? And if you got to, how come you got to keep such an ugly bugger?"
"He makes a great conversation piece. The girls all tell me how cute he is."
That didn't wake him up, either.
Slither wasn't listening. "And how about you, Ivy? What've you done? Besides suck down that horse piss till you make me wonder where the hell you put it all? You hungry, Garrett?"
"Yes."
"Sink your fangs into these here biscuits. Gravy coming up." He wheeled on Ivy, but Ivy had gotten going, headed up front. I shut them out, ate hastily, wondered if they'd gotten married. Slither started hollering the length of the house.
"Enough!" I snapped. "Has anyone been around?"
"Shit, Garrett, you got to be the most popular guy in town. Always somebody pounding on your door."
"And?"
"And what? You ignore them, they go away."
"That's always been my philosophy."
Ivy stuck his head in. "There was that cute little girl."
I raised an eyebrow, which was talent wasted on those two.
"Yeah," Slither said. "Ivy answered that one. He's a sucker for a skirt."
Ivy shrugged, looked embarrassed.
"Well, guys?"
"I don't know," Ivy said. "I didn't understand." Hardly the first time, I thought. "She didn't make much sense. Something about could you help her find her book yet."
Find her book? "Linda Lee?"
"Huh?"
"She tell you her name? Was it Linda Lee?"
Ivy shrugged.
No good deed unpunished, Garrett. I downed a last bite, knocked back a mug of weak tea, headed for the front of the house. T.G. Parrot seemed less intolerable by the hour.
Everything is relative.
I used the peephole.
That was Macunado Street all right. Infested with quasi-intelligent life. Not much use studying it through a hole, though. I opened up and stepped onto the stoop.
I spotted nobody but sensed the watching eyes. I settled onto my top step, watched the sweep of commerce. As always, I wondered where everybody was going in such a hurry. I nodded at people I knew, mostly neighbors. Some responded. Some hoisted their noses and wished I would vanish in a puff of smoke. Old Mr. Stuckle, who roomed at the Cardonlos place, was one of the friendly ones. "How you doing, son?"
"Some good days, Pop. Some bad days. But every new day is a blessing."
"I heard that. You got Gert stirred, you know."
"Again? Or still?"
He grinned a grin with only two teeth left to support it. "There you go." Gert Cardonlos always took the other side when my neighbors got upset. I wondered whether she had changed her name to Brittany or Misty, she would have grown old without growing sour.
Probably not.
As I watched Stuckle breast the stream of flesh a neighborhood urchin sidled up. "There's people been watching your place."
"No kidding?" Becky Frierka had illusions about getting involved in my adventures. I don't mind having girls around, but they need to be a little older than eight. "Tell me about it." You never know where you'll learn something useful. And me listening would make Becky feel good.
I don't remember my father much. Mom always said one of his philosophies was each day you should do at least one thing to make somebody feel good. She probably made it up. People like Handsome let me know Mom did a lot of creative revision. But this was a good idea.
"Thank you, Becky. That's quite useful." I offered her a couple of coppers. "Better scoot."
"You took that lady to dinner."
"What?"
"Last night."
"So?"
"I don't want money. I want you to take me out."
Oh. Right. And would I ever hear the end of that? "How come you know what I did last night?"
"I saw you go out the back. I followed you." She put on her devil smile. "I know what you done."
"You a dwarf in disguise? You trying to blackmail me?"
"No. But I could tell you who else followed you."
Whoa! I hadn't noticed any tail. Not even her. "You have my attention, Becky."
"You going to buy me dinner? Same place as the blond lady?"
"You got it." No problem. Her mother would get me out of it. "Soon as I get this job wrapped. Deal?"
She was suspicious. I gave up too fast. But, "Deal. And don't think you're gonna weasel out."
"Talk to me about the somebody who followed me, brat."
"It was a man. A weird man. Not very tall but really huge-mongous anyway." She spread her arms. "He walked funny." She showed me how.
"Mugwump," I guessed aloud. I hadn't seen Mugwump's walk, but that had to be it.
"Mugwump?"
"Man's name. Probably who that was. He have really big hands?"
"I don't know."
Great. "What did he do?"
"Just followed you where you went. After a while he left. He's really weird, Garrett. He talked to himself all the time."
"Probably from living in a neighborhood like mine." I spied Saucerhead Tharpe headed my way. I could think of no reason for him approaching with such a purposeful stride. "Thanks, Becky. Time for you to scoot now."
"Don't forget. You promised."
"Who? Me? Get on with you." I hoped she would forget, but I never have that kind of luck. "So who died?" I asked Tharpe. The big goof wasn't eve
n breathing heavy.
"Huh?"
"You were charging this way like a guy loaded with the worst bad news he could imagine."
"Really? I was thinking about Lettitia."
"Lettitia? That off the menu at Morley's?"
"My lady. You haven't met her yet." Saucerhead always has a new girlfriend. I didn't see any bruises so maybe this one was nicer than usual.
"You came for advice to the lovelorn?"
"From you?" His tone wasn't generous.
"From His Nibs in there. The world's foremost authority." On everything. According to him.
"Speaking of him, you give him the latest from down south?"
"Something happen?" The street didn't have the edgy feel it gets when there's big news from the Cantard.
"Ain't out general yet on account of it's supposed to be a big military secret, but I heard from my sister's husband who's got a cousin works for the Stormwarden Burner Skullspite, First Cav Spec Ops raided Glory Mooncalled's headquarters."
"Our guys have found his hideout about five times already, you silly groundpounder." A good-hearted fellow, Saucerhead didn't quite grasp reality. He'd been a plain old foot-slogging infantryman during his service. He suffered from the common army delusion that cavalry were some sort of elite. I mean, come on! They're not even Marines. You add in the fact that they're dimwit enough to voluntarily ride horses...
"This was the real headquarters. An old vampire nest."
Something about his tone... "Don't tell me."
"The very one."
"Life is weird."
An earlier case had taken me back to the war zone. In the course of events, Morley and I and some others invaded a subterranean vampire nest, a stronghold of horror. We were fortunate. We escaped. We passed word to the Army. The soldiers took time off from the war.
The war with vampires takes precedence.
That was before Glory Mooncalled rebelled. Just.
One of my gang had been a centaur. "There's more?" I asked. Tharpe was antsy. There was something.
"Yeah. The attack was a big ass surprise. They barely figured out what hit them before it was over. They hardly destroyed any documents."
So Mooncalled's deep well of luck was running dry.