by Jaci Wheeler
The drummers are getting closer now. They walk with their drums one step at a time, but each time they hit the drum the smell gets stronger, and all of a sudden fire shoots out of the floor right in front of us. It would have burned me if I would have moved at all. Every time the drum is hit now, the fire shoots up and the smell increases. Then just as fast as it started, it stops.
Another light is added to the room, spotlighting four girls playing violins. This light is blue and it flits to and fro so fast I can hardly track it. But I watch the girls, and watch the light, and it’s timed to their violin. Now that the drums have ceased playing, it’s all about the violin. The scent of cinnamon is gone but in its place is a very light breeze. It’s timed in perfect sync with the blue light and the fast strokes of the strings.
The light switches again to orange, and this time five people playing flutes come out. I instantly smell oranges and see little white twinkling lights above us. I’m in complete awe and every hair on my body is standing on end. I look over and see the same look of awe on A.J. and see that Gabby has large tears streaming down her face.
The light changes again to a deep forest green. There is a large piano with the spotlight now. I can feel something through the chair and that’s when I realize it’s a large speaker under us. The balloon is picking up the vibrations in our hands, and I notice several speakers lining the floor, which help the vibrations start at our toes and go right up our legs to our spines. The light turns once again to six guys with electric guitars now. The vibrations with this are through the roof. I can feel my teeth rattle. The light switches from white to purple to yellow and what feels like spiders crawling up and down my back. I pray they aren’t actual spiders, because that’s exactly what they feel like. I know I’m not alone when Gabby jumps.
The light switches again to a bright white, spotlighted on one girl in front of us holding a triangle. As she hits it, I feel a very light mist of water kiss my face and neck, followed by a jasmine scent. It’s so light it barely caresses your skin. I close my eyes and inhale the music. I feel it, smell it, taste it on my tongue. I can actually taste honey. Then a flash of water shoots out of the ground like a flash. It happens a few more times before I see the spotlight on people who have cymbals. My eyes are seriously getting misty now. I never thought music could be anything more than words, but here Presley is proving me wrong. She’s showing me that music is more than words. It’s everything she’s always said it is. Sound, taste, smell. I never could fathom until now. Just like that it’s over, and we are plunged into darkness.
The spotlight comes back on and once again the unknown interpreter is back on the platform.
“Again. All together. We give you Silent Song For B.”
I can’t stop the tears from flowing now as all at once the music is played. The lights switch on and off. The smells and sounds combine to cover me in a warm blanket. The fire flashes and just as fast I feel the mist and taste the honey. I’m living, breathing, and tasting a song. A song all of my own. The song runs all the way through again, and then goes dark and silent. One at a time a spotlight is placed on a girl. Then another, and another, until there must be fifteen or twenty. They walk out and each take their place on a platform that comes out of the ground. The intro starts again. Flash of fire, flash of water, taste of honey. It surrounds them, and all at once their hands raise and I realize the one thing this song was missing. The one thing that until this moment was the only way I could experience music before, and I didn’t even notice it was missing until now. The lyrics.
Forgive me love not being upbeat,
But song about a tragedy.
Two in love who could never be.
For he deaf and she will never see.
He drowns in her world of guitars and pianos,
He swears doesn’t matter.
Her world made up of tunes and melody,
And lyrics is all he can ever sing.
Alone she will stay,
His habits unchanged.
But in her heart, he will always be,
The deaf guy meant for the girl who couldn’t see.
He wants be her hero,
Save her from everything.
But all she wants is life shared,
To see things from his perspective.
But how can that happen,
When he holds the blinds that hold the key?
Alone she will stay,
His habits unchanged.
But in her heart, he will always be,
The deaf guy who was meant for the girl who couldn’t see.
Her music no longer matters,
Lost to the world that stole it wholeheartedly.
For the one thing in life she wanted,
Was to join his silent melody.
But he shut her out,
Blinded to the fact that her sound is
Made up of more than one entity.
Instead of opening his world,
He holds dear to the things
That separate them so endlessly.
Alone she will stay.
His habits unchanged.
But in her heart, he will always be.
The deaf guy who was blinded
By the things she couldn’t see.
One day she decides to break through
Glass ceiling provided by society.
She shreds the lyrics and breathes life
Into the music that saved her time and
Again, you see.
She’ll find him one day,
After she removes the blinds that held her
Trapped so horribly.
Maybe he’s moved on.
Maybe he’s waited,
But in the end, all she ever wanted
Was a silent song that transcends lyrics.
A silent song just for B.
The girls sign so delicately and graceful, that it’s almost a dance. It’s so at odds with the lyrics themselves, which cut and hurt, but also have an odd healing. The song comes to an end with all the girls pointing right at me, then it all goes dark, allowing me to let the music sink in. I feel broken and made whole all at the same time. I’ve never been so touched or humbled in my life. Slowly, the twinkle lights come to life. I look over and A.J. looks about as stunned as I feel. Gabby is outright sobbing. I reach up and feel the wetness on my own cheeks, wiping them dry.
“Wow,” A.J. expresses, still looking a bit dazed.
“Yeah.”
“B need you find P. Find P, kiss her. don’t you, will me.” A.J. shakes his head but smiles lovingly over at Gabby.
“Take her car me. Take time you.” He helps her up and they walk hand in hand toward the door. I sit with my head in my hands for a moment, trying to find my center. I feel so thrown off axis right now. How am I supposed to respond to that? She’s just given me everything. An experience I never in a million years thought I’d have. How do you say thank you for that?
I feel a light tap on my shoulder and I look up, expecting to see her beautiful face, but find Jodi looking down shyly.
“You okay?” I’m surprised to see her sign again, and I smile at her, shaking my head. I look around the room and back at her, scanning again, then put my hands up.
“Presley?” she asks and I nod. “She didn’t want to pressure you,” she says clearly. The disappointment hits me straight in the gut.
“Here.” Jodi puts something in my hands and then turns and walks out leaving me alone with my emotions and words I’m not sure I can handle.
I take the letter and head back to the car. None of us talk on the way home, all dealing with our own feelings and emotions that Presley’s gift brought on. I thank A.J. and say goodbye when he drops me off at home. Luckily, Randy is already asleep and I go straight to my room where I brace myself to read her words.
Barrett,
First, I want to start out with thank you for showing up. If I know you (and I think I do), you probably almost didn’t come, so thank you for taking the chance. I
think the worst part of this separation has been not knowing how you are doing, feeling or processing all of this. Of course it’s been hard being away from you, it hurts on a physical level, yet nothing has been worse than not knowing how you are doing.
I know you think that we are too different for this to work. I totally understand where you were coming from when you walked away, but B, you were wrong. You said Music, movie night, and my hearing friends are what makes me who I am, what drives me. I might be passionate about those things, but where you were wrong was thinking that those things are all that matter. They don’t, Barrett. What matters is that while we were together you made me a better person. You opened my mind to a new culture, you showed me how to be a better person, and a better therapist. Those other things might make me who I am, but you are what makes me better B.
That’s what your absence has proven to me. That I’m a better person with you than I could ever be without you. Sure, we will always have challenges, maybe more than the average couple (what is average anyway?), but I want to be with someone who doesn’t just fulfill a need or a want but that molds me into a better version of myself. You never tried to change me. Get that straight right now. I can still love music, movies, and be social; those things won’t change, but what has changed is that I know I am more compassionate and understanding. I can see things from a whole new perspective now. I thank YOU for that.
This letter isn’t a plea to get back together or anything more than to thank you. Thank you for turning me into the person I am today, for opening my eyes, and letting me see past myself and my own needs. This song wasn’t just for you. It is a tool that allows an entire community of people, who were never able before, to experience the true power of music. I’m going to take this and use it in my work. That wouldn’t have been possible without you. I’m not sure how to thank someone who has touched and changed me so deeply, but I hope this is a step in the right direction. I’m not asking for anything more than you are able to give. But know that I love you always, and thank you for the impact you’ve made on my life.
All my love, Presley
I have to read the letter two more times since my eyes fill with tears the first two times I read it. My sweet Presley. Always doing things for others, thinking about others. Deep down, I know I don’t deserve her or her thanks, but I’ve learned that life isn’t about getting the things you deserve. It’s about what you do with the things you don’t. So, what exactly am I going to do?
CHAPTER 38
Presley
“Seriously girl, I’m telling you I don’t think you have anything to worry about. I know it didn’t go exactly how you planned, but he came and was touched, I can tell you that much. Overwhelmed is the only way I could describe it, and when I said you weren't there he was clearly disappointed. I think that’s a pretty good outcome.”
“I know, you’re right Jodi. It’s just all that work and planning gave me something to focus on, you know? Tonight was so bitter sweet. It’s over now and I didn’t even get to see how he felt.”
“I know for a fact your eyes were glued to him the whole time you were lurking in the shadows like a creeper.” She throws a pillow at me laughing and catches me off guard.
“I know, I just can’t believe it’s over.”
“It was amazing Presley. You did it. I’ve never seen anything so awe-inspiring. You have a lot to be proud of.”
“Thanks Jodi, I am. It’s the beginning of an amazing outreach, and I guess there always needs to be an ending before a beginning can happen.”
“It’s too late for you to be so deep. What we need is M&M’s and a horror flick.”
“Horror?!” She laughs at the look on my face.
“It’s better than romance, isn’t it? Plus, it will make your problems look like nothing.” Well she has me there. There’s a knock at the door and we both look at each other.
“Jodi, I can’t deal with Zeek tonight, I love him, but I really can’t.”
“It can’t be, Zeek left as soon as it was over to go home for the weekend.” She says as she makes her way to the door. She hardly opens it when she shuts it again. Well, that was odd.
“On second thought, the only chocolate I have is the regular M&Ms. You know that peanut is really the way to go. I’m heading to Target. I’ll be back later.”
She grabs her purse and goes tearing out of the room before I can even blink, leaving the door wide open, and the most handsome man I’ve ever seen standing on the other side. He gives me a shy smile and my stomach drops to the floor.
“Hi.” Wow, I haven’t seen him in way too long and all I can think to say is ‘hi.’
“Guy open door, let in. Okay?” He looks as uneasy as I feel and somehow that sets me at ease.
“Yes, always welcome you.” I step out of the way and motion for him to join me. I take a seat on Jodi’s bed and motion for him to do the same on mine. We are now staring at each other. He’s taking me in as much as I am taking him in.
“Thank you P…can’t…Words have not tell you deep effect me.”
“Happy me.”
He stands abruptly and walks over to me, leaning down and grabbing both of my hands in just one of his.
“Sorry.” His eyes say more than his hands ever could.
“No. Sorry not. Nothing wrong you.”
“You give everything tonight. For G A B B Y, for A J…For me. Expect nothing you. Special you P. Very special. Most people see deaf as weak or lacking. Look down on us, or sad for us. Try baby or help. Never try to make even ground. Tonight P, tonight you make equal. Tonight, you take sound away. You give music free. Want nothing return for gift. Always afraid me hold back you will. Afraid resent me, or miss out you.”
“Never.” I sign adamantly. Even if we never got back to what we were, I'd never feel that way. He smiles at my admission and nods once.
“Know me. Song touch me, move me….change me. But not why here.”
“Why?” I ask trying not to allow myself to hope.
“Here because after read letter finish, know can’t live without you. Just see now, feel complete. Need you P. You say make you better person me…But you make me person. When mom die become robot me. Go school, go work, take care Cody. Stop feel. When Cody die, become ghost me. Stop function, stop care, stop dream. Just here.”
He reaches up and wipes the tears that run down my face. Then kisses my forehead gently before he continues.
“When meet you slowly change me, not only make person but make me happy person. Can feel again. Love again, dream again. But scare me P. Feel nothing to feel everything. Scared what happen if lose you. Not want change you. Not want make sacrifice for me be happy.” I stop him by taking his hands in mine and shake my head.
“No.” I mouth. He smiles and nods back once.
“Know now me. After see song…understand me. You make me feel, make me whole again. I give you perspective. Give passion for job.”
“Good for each other.” I state.
“Good for each other.” He agrees.
“No more running? No more breaks?”
“No more. Dream together.”
Before he can finish the sign, I’ve launched myself at him, knocking him over backwards causing him to laugh. I chuckle softly too as I lean down and take in his beautiful face. His tortured features are completely gone now, replaced with happiness.
He grabs my hand in his and I slowly raise my pinkie, pointer, and thumb fingers. He smiles looking down at my hand raising his three fingers to meet mine.
“I love you.” I mouth making sure there’s no mistake.
“Love you.” He mouths back before he pulls me down kissing me soundly, making sure he never lets go of my hand.
Epilogue
One year later
Presley
I pack up my last box and look around my empty room. I can’t stop the tears from falling and I feel so dumb. This is what I want, I had a great life here, the best college experience, so I shouldn’t be sad
, but I am.
“Girl, you need to stop crying already, I can’t take it.” Jodi surprises me and I jump. “Well, this is fitting, looks like we’re ending just how we started.”
I jump on her, wrapping my arms and legs around her tightly.
“As much as I love the whole spider monkey thing you’ve got going on here, I’m pretty sure you’re breaking my ribs.” I climb down and wipe my tears.
“I’m going to miss you so much, I don’t know how I would have survived without you these past few years. You’ve got to promise to come visit. Promise me!”
“All right, all right, crazy lady, I promise. I’m pretty sure you will be too blissfully happy once you get to D.C. to even miss me.”
“You mean completely stressed out with grad school?”
“No, I mean completely blissed out by Mr. Hunky, yet silent.”
The thought that soon I’m going to finally be in the same town as Barrett again completely dries my tears. It’s been a very long, hard year. I don’t think anyone thought we would be able to make the long-distance thing work, heck, half the time I didn’t think we would, but we did, and we came out even stronger for it. I’m not going to lie; the beginning was really hard on me. Knowing he was going to be so far away and surrounded by so many girls who were like him and understood him scared me to death. But he assured me over and over that wasn’t what he wanted, because he wanted me. I doubled up on my courses and was able to graduate a semester early with honors. I got into a graduate school not too far from Gallaudet, where he’s going to school. Somehow in between all that I was able to start a non-profit organization called Silent Song.