“I did what I had to. And I won’t lie—on some levels, I liked it, because for the first time in my life, I felt useful. It made my foster father proud of me, and I . . . I’d never had that before. Lothar was more jealous than ever. He liked that I’d be gone for months at a time, and I can’t say I was sorry to be away from him, either, but he hated that someone like me could be worth something, especially to his father. We fought all the time whenever I was home, about anything and everything. He tried to belittle the work I was doing, even though he knew how important it was.”
“Important.” The word feels heavy on my tongue. “If you’d infiltrated the barracks where I lived, I’d be dead right now, wouldn’t I?”
He flinches at that, but he doesn’t look away. “If I’d come to your barracks while I was still with Elder clan, then yes, there’s a good chance you’d be dead. It makes me sick to think that, Virginia, but it’s true, just like how if your sister could kill everyone here, she would. Only I doubt she would feel any qualms about it.”
A shuddery feeling twitches down my spine, because he’s right, she wouldn’t. If Celeste had the chance to kill a whole clan of dragons, she’d take it. She’d murder them all, in cold blood, for no reason other than that they’re dragons, and it wouldn’t bother her. She’d come home, and my father would throw her a party and put some heads up on the wall, so everyone would know what a good job she’d done. And not that long ago, I would have thought slaughtering dragons made her amazing, too. But now it just kind of scares the hell out of me.
“We targeted the most dangerous settlements, the ones where the paladins were especially aggressive and relentless, and yours was about halfway down the list. I like to think I wouldn’t have let anything happen to you, but I can’t say for sure how things would have played out. It was an important job, but an awful one, and I’ve wrestled with my thoughts on it for a long time. What I did saved lives. The lives of dragons,” he adds, when I give him a questioning look. “Ash clan was nearly wiped out by paladins. A whole clan, a society with its own culture and way of life. The humans there wanted to expand their hunting grounds, so they encroached on Ash territory and started picking them off without provocation. And I don’t know if what I did was right or not, but I know that that clan still exists today because of me.”
“Not all paladins kill dragons unprovoked.”
“No, and not all dragons kill paladins out of self-defense. There’s good and bad on both sides. I never killed anyone directly, but I don’t know if that makes me better or worse than the dragons who did.”
“You saved my life. You didn’t have to. You could have let me marry Lothar, or you could have left me there to get ripped apart after you made him transform. And I know I’m not a paladin, but I’m still a St. George, and . . . My point is, Celeste would never save a dragon. No one at the barracks would. And they wouldn’t think twice about killing one, let alone getting one killed. Before I met you, I wouldn’t have, either. I’m not saying I like that you tricked people, because I don’t, but I don’t think you’re a bad person. A bad person wouldn’t struggle with it, or be bothered by it. St. Georges hurt you and your mother. They tortured you before you were even born, but you still saved me. And if the situation had been reversed, I can’t say I would have done the same. Not back then.”
He studies my face, his expression hopeful but wary, like he’s not sure I mean that. “By the end of the second year, I wanted out so badly. Everyone who got close to me ended up dead, and I couldn’t take it anymore. But the Elder king was adamant that what I was doing was right, and . . . If I’d insisted on stopping, I don’t know if he would have forced the issue, but I also didn’t want to disappoint him, so I didn’t.”
“But you were mostly on your own, right? Couldn’t you have run away?”
“Not without putting my entire clan in danger. It would have destroyed the delicate peace we’d established with the hostage exchange. And it probably would have gotten Raban killed. Not that I knew him, and not that it mattered in the end, because he died and the peace was broken anyway, but I didn’t want to be responsible for that. Not for his death, and not for potentially starting a war. It was complicated, so I stayed. Until it all fell apart, and the Elder king faked my death. After that, I lived on my own for six months, unable to go home or tell anyone I was still alive. I was free from having to betray anyone I got close to, but I didn’t settle anywhere. I knew Lothar had been talking about capturing a St. George, and he’d been boasting that he could actually do it. I thought it was just something he’d said to try and show me up, but when I discovered he was at your party, I knew he must have meant it. I decided I wasn’t going to let him succeed, and if I could get the paladins there to kill him in the process, well, so much the better. Then I met you, and you know the rest.”
He falls quiet, and neither of us says anything for a while, though he keeps glancing over at me.
I think about how he got hundreds of people killed. Paladins, and others with paladin blood, like me and pretty much everyone I know. He was a dragon posing as a human and gaining people’s trust, just so he could turn on them. He’s the embodiment of everything I was so afraid of, the reason I couldn’t leave the barracks all those years.
But he’s also the reason I was finally able to leave. He’s the reason I’m not afraid of dragons anymore. He taught me magic, and he’s the only one who’s never made me feel stupid for not being able to do it. He’s the only one who’s ever even believed me about not being able to leave the barracks. And he’s the reason I no longer blame myself for my mother’s death.
What he did was horrible, and being torn up about it doesn’t change that. But hurting paladins saved dragons. Doing nothing would have meant more dragons getting hurt. No matter what, somebody would have died. And if I’d been in his position, if I’d had the opportunity to collect information that would mean Celeste and all the others could destroy the dragons who wanted to hurt us, wouldn’t I have done it? And wouldn’t I have felt useful, and like I finally mattered?
“Virginia,” he whispers, his voice tight, “please say something.”
But there’s nothing to say. Nothing, and too many things, all at once.
So instead I put my arms around him, and I hug him like I’m never going to let him go.
33
HOW CAN YOU HOLD SOMETHING WRONG IF IT’S IMAGINARY?
Amelrik seems really nervous as we walk through the halls a couple days later, on our way to meet up with Odilia. We’re supposed to watch her friend rehearse for a play, but I don’t think that’s what’s bothering him. He keeps glancing over at me, looking like he has something to say, and then staring down at his feet instead.
He puts a hand on my arm when we get to the theater entrance, stopping me from going inside. “Virginia, wait. I, um . . . I need to tell you something.”
“Okay.” I pretend like I have no idea what he’s talking about, as if I haven’t noticed how preoccupied and fidgety he’s been all day. Because whatever he needs to tell me, I get the impression it’s personal. Like, just between me and him. And it’s something that’s obviously not easy for him to say. Something he’s had to work up the courage for.
Maybe something he’s never told anyone else.
“It’s just, we’ve been together here for a while. And I’ve really enjoyed it. You. Er, not that I’ve enjoyed you, but . . . I’m not saying this right.” He rubs his face with the heels of his palms. “You know how I feel about you. At least, I think you do, but that doesn’t make it any easier to find the words for this.”
“Come on, Amelrik. Whatever it is, you can tell me.” Especially if he wants to elaborate a bit more on how he feels about me.
“What I’m trying to say is—”
“Finally,” Odilia says, coming out of the theater entrance and interrupting him. And possibly the most important moment of my life. “I thought you were never going to get here, and then I find you standing around outside like an idiot.
” She shakes her head. “Slight change of plans, though. Your father wants to talk to you.”
“Right now?” He sounds annoyed, but maybe also a little relieved.
“Yeah. He said to send you his way as soon as I saw you. You’d better go. It sounded important.”
He sighs and says he’ll meet us inside when he gets back.
While he trudges off, I follow Odilia into the theater. We come in from the side, in front of the stage, and my first thought about this place is that it’s huge. I guess it has to be, since it needs to accommodate a whole audience of dragons, but still.
There are giant tiered steps carved into the stone to sit on, overlooking the stage, where Odilia’s friend is rehearsing with a couple other dragons. We climb up a few tiers, and I wonder why we don’t sit in the front row.
“So, Bryn was totally lying,” Odilia says, a sly smile on her face.
I kick out my leg, letting my foot bounce back against the stone. “She wasn’t going to the party with Osric?”
“Oh, no, she was. But only because she practically begged him to ask her, because she couldn’t go otherwise. He wasn’t interested in her—he was just doing her a favor.” She pauses and shouts something in Vairlin at the stage. I have no idea what she just said, but it sounded encouraging. “I went right up to him and told him it was either me or Bryn. He had no idea what I was talking about. So then I bit the back of his neck.”
“You bit him?”
She flips her hair over her shoulder. “My mother would say it’s too bold, but I wasn’t going to wait around for him to make a move. Besides, she wasn’t there.”
“So, biting is a good thing?” Is it the dragon equivalent of kissing? Or is it something more intimate?
Odilia squints at me. “Don’t tell me my cousin hasn’t—No, wait, never mind. I don’t want to know.” She makes a face. “My mother says it’s not proper for a girl to bite a boy first, but that’s so old-fashioned. And I wasn’t about to lose him to Bryn. So I bit him, and he bit me back, and it turns out he’s liked me for years. He was just too shy to do anything about it.” She grins. “I don’t even care that we came in second in the games. It’s the best feeling, when someone likes you back.”
I’m grinning, too. “Isn’t it?” Especially when that someone’s maybe about to tell you they more than just like you.
She gives me a funny look, like I just said something weird.
There’s a flash of light from the stage, as one of the dragons breathes fire. And now I know why we’re sitting this far back, because even though we’re out of danger, I can still feel the heat. Goose bumps prickle along my arms. Other than at Celeste’s party, this is the closest I’ve been to dragon fire since my mother died. It’s amazing and terrifying.
One of the dragons switches to human form and darts into the middle of the stage. It’s a girl, and I think it’s Odilia’s friend. She waves an imaginary sword at the others and says her lines.
Odilia cups her hands to her mouth and shouts something at her. Her friend nods, then starts over, louder this time.
“Is she supposed to be a paladin?” I ask.
Odilia nods. “It’s Hild’s first time playing a human. Amelrik’s supposed to be here to give her some pointers. She’s nervous about getting the details right.”
“I’m human. And a St. George.”
She looks at me like Good for you?
“I just mean that I could answer questions.” I’m pretty sure I know more about humans than Amelrik does.
“You don’t even know what they’re saying.”
“Right, because humans don’t speak Vairlin.”
Odilia waves that away. “In this story, they do.”
“But that’s already not authentic.”
“It doesn’t matter. Use your imagination.”
“But if she’s worried about getting the details right—”
“The important details.” She rolls her eyes. “Just forget about it. Amelrik should be back soon, anyway.”
An uncomfortable silence settles between us. Or at least it feels uncomfortable to me—Odilia doesn’t seem bothered. I try to watch the rehearsal, but I have no idea what they’re saying, and I can’t follow it.
“So, did Bryn end up going to the party?” I ask, partly because I’m bored, but mostly because I’m dying to know.
“Yep. And she had to watch me and Osric together all night.”
“Do you think you and him will . . . ?”
“Get married and have the most beautiful draclings? Yes. My father won’t like it, because Osric’s family isn’t nobility, but Cedric’s his heir, not me, so I think I can wear him down.”
“I was getting at more like if you thought you’d have sex, but I guess that covers it.”
“We already have, but . . .” She glances around, then lowers her voice. “Only in human form.”
I swallow. “It’s only been a couple days.”
“Five days, and that’s exactly what I mean! I know only doing it in human form makes me sound like a tease, but I’m not ready to go all the way. Besides, I don’t want to get pregnant. If he wants it that badly, he can wait until our wedding night.”
“You mean, that can’t happen when you’re in human form?”
She looks at me like I’m an idiot. “If I stayed in human form, then yeah, eventually. But obviously I’m not going to do that. I can’t do that, and even if I could, I’d go crazy.”
“But . . . if you’re in dragon form, couldn’t you just switch to human form, and, um, not get pregnant?”
“Wow.” She blinks at me. “How do you not know this stuff?”
“I do.” Mostly. “Just not about dragons.”
“Well, it’s possible, but it’s not a sure thing, and, again, I’d have to stay human for way too long. But Osric said he didn’t care what we did or didn’t do—he’s just happy we’re together. Can you believe that?” She sighs wistfully.
We’re quiet again for a while, only this time it’s more of an easy silence. Eventually Amelrik comes back and sits down next to me. He usually seems upset after he talks to his father, but he has this big smile on his face, like something really good just happened and he can’t wait to tell us about it.
“Well?” Odilia asks, when he doesn’t say anything.
He starts to answer her, then frowns and points at the stage. “Hild’s holding her sword wrong.”
“It’s an imaginary sword,” I tell him. “How can you hold something wrong if it’s imaginary?”
Odilia makes a frustrated sound. “You know that’s not what I meant. What did Uncle Ulrich say? Or did you not end up talking to him?”
“No, I talked to him.” Amelrik’s hand rests next to mine in the space between us on the stone bench, where Odilia can’t see. He moves his hand closer and absently draws circles on my skin with his thumb. “He’s officially giving me a position on the court.”
I raise my eyebrows at him.
“The court,” Odilia says, “is all stuffy meetings and arguments. It sounds boring.”
“He wants my opinions on things.”
She seems skeptical. “Does the rest of the court know about this?”
“He announced it to them.”
“And?”
“And a few of them expressed some concerns.”
“In front of you?” I ask.
He shrugs. “My father told them the decision was final, and that they just have to accept it. He said I’m not a dracling anymore, and I’m his son, and that I have a lot to offer. That’s what he said. About me.”
Odilia stares at him in disbelief.
“Things are different now,” he says, his voice barely a whisper. “It’s not like it was before.”
“And you actually want to be on the court?”
“Well . . .” He considers that. “It’s what Cedric would be doing, if he was here.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
“Okay, fine. No, I don’t like boring meeti
ngs. And I don’t like the way the rest of the court looked at me, when my father announced this. They were horrified. But he stood up for me. He’s never done that before. He made them acknowledge me, just a little bit, and . . . Maybe it won’t turn out to be my dream job—”
Odilia snorts. “You think?”
“—but I’m happy. Really happy.” He smiles and secretly squeezes my hand, implying that I’m part of the reason why.
I smile, too. I want to put my arms around him and press my face against his. I want to kiss him so bad right now. But despite what I said before, about kissing not looking any different whether we’re supposedly just lovers or actually together, I’m pretty sure that if I did any of that, it would be obvious that there’s something more going on. So I restrain myself.
But even if I can’t kiss him right now, warmth spreads through my chest, and all my feelings for him crowd together, until I think I’m going to explode.
And I wish, more than anything, that I could freeze this moment in time, and we could always feel this happy.
34
NOT. FAIR.
“Stop pressuring me,” Amelrik says. “I’m reading as fast as I can.” It’s evening, a couple days later, and he’s half sitting, half lying on his bed, finally finishing Princess Mysteries #7.
I’m next to him, with my head resting on his chest and his arm around me, sort of reading along, even though I finished the book over a week ago. “I’m not pressuring you.”
“You asked if I was done with this page yet. Twice.”
“Well, I didn’t mean it in a pressure-y way. But you’re almost done, and I really want to know what you think of the ending.” After he spoiled part of it for me and then almost died, he kind of stopped reading it for a while. And even though he said it would be fair if I spoiled the rest of it for him, I wasn’t about to do that.
I try to be patient while he finishes the book, focusing on how good it feels to be cozied up with him like this. I can feel his heart beat and the rise and fall of his breathing. Not for the first time, I wonder what he was going to tell me the other day, before Odilia interrupted. There’ve been a couple times since then when we were alone and he got really nervous and seemed like he had something to say, but he stayed quiet.
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