We both wanted to fight for each other, but there was still so much holding us back. Why didn’t I just tell my past to go fuck off?
She shook her head, and I caught a hint of a smile before she went back to unloading the bags. Suddenly, my stomach was in knots, and my thoughts scrambled in my head. I turned and wrapped my hands tightly around the metal railing. My breathing abruptly restricted as my head dropped to my chest, and I attempted to push away the ache in my heart.
“This can’t be happening.” My whispered voice was laced with fear. “It can’t.” I silently told myself I could not be having these feelings for her so soon. Only one woman had that power. Courtney’s face filtered across my mind, but I only heard Cole’s voice. How was she so much like her and yet so different? My heart and my head needed to get on the same page because I had to face reality. This was what my life was going to be like now.
“That apron better not be getting wrinkled.” I heard her say. I tilted my head to see Cole standing next to me. She giggled as she gave me a look before she delicately pulled the apron from under my hand. I had no idea I had been squeezing it so tightly against the railing. She shook it and smoothed out the wrinkles over her knee. I turned and faced her. The cool morning breeze prickled my heated skin as she looped the apron back over my head. Her fingertips brushed against my neck, but before she pulled away, I grasped my hands around her wrists. Our eyes focused on nothing but each other.
The anchor chains hanging from the boats nearby clanked against the steel frames. Seagulls squawked as they circled over the water searching for food. Children snickered on the noisy seesaw at the playground not too far away. And yet, at that very moment, nothing else existed. Not the market, not the hectic waterway, not even the children running around the park. All that existed were she and I.
“What are you friggin’ doing to me?” I asked her as I moved her hands to rest against my chest. My pounding heart was surely felt under her right hand since it was about to break through my chest. I watched as Cole inhaled deeply and dropped her forehead to my chest.
“Nothing you haven’t already done to me.” My heart stopped beating, and a chill coursed up my spine. Everything around me stopped moving. I swore, the Earth stopped spinning for a second. I was almost positive I had misunderstood her.
She took two steps back from me. Her shoulders slumped, and I realized there was more meaning behind her statement than just that. My eyes narrowed at her, but before I told her just how much she meant to me, someone called her name. I needed to know how she felt about me. She quickly stepped around me, avoiding any more eye contact.
I turned and watched her dash over to the older gray-haired women who were assessing me earlier. Cole crouched down to pick up her camera bag and wrapped it over her shoulder. I idly made my way in her direction, hands stuffed into my pockets, pink ruffled apron and all. My fingers scratched at my forehead as I started from the beginning and wondered what had I already done to Cole. Maybe she didn’t mean it in the negative context I took it. Maybe she had also moved in the same direction as me.
I didn’t have an answer, and as my sneakers stopped behind her, Cole followed the ladies into the crowd of market patrons with her camera lens pointed at all the movement of farmers, crafters, and bakers. She turned, shouting my name and I raised my head thinking she was about to come over to talk to me. Instead, she pointed to her stand and held up her phone. “If you have any trouble holding down the fort, just call my cell, okay?” I waved back, and just like that, she blended into the crowd and disappeared.
My heart broke a little as I meandered over to the stand. I tied the bottom of the frilly apron around my waist and sank down in the camp chair. I was left with a million unanswered questions about her past, and yet I felt like I could tell anyone almost anything when it came to Cole Porter.
All that surrounded me now were the fresh scents of breads and pastries. An occasional whiff of floral bouquets from the next stand over tickled my nose as I sneezed into my elbow. Damn sunflowers. As I pulled out my phone to see if Josh or Sam wanted to accompany me for a few hours since they were only a half hour away, a familiar face appeared, and I pocketed my phone.
“Son, you really are giving the Marines a bad name. Pink is not exactly your color,” Marty stated, shuffling over toward me. Cocoa tugged on her leash, pulling him a little faster. Her tongue dangled from her mouth, as she eagerly wanted to see me. I pushed from my seat and motioned for Marty to take a load off. His heavy frame sat with more oomph than elegance. Cocoa pushed her legs out and rested by his feet. “Now, if that apron had bacon grease stains and was camo green, then I wouldn’t be so quick to judge.”
Screw it. I decided it was worth going head-to-head with Cole over being put down by Marty. The apron had to go.
A couple of women swung by the stand. Marty tipped his hat to them as they grabbed a few bags of Cole’s chocolate croissants. After they paid and walked off, I turned back to Marty.
“Do I want to ask why you are all the way down here and not up at the lake?”
“Oh.” Marty groaned as he adjusted his red suspenders and placed his hat on his knee. His scraggly hair was slicked back, although a few strands fell across his forehead. “You know, if your head wasn’t so far in the clouds over that sweet girl, you’d know a thing or two about me.”
I cocked my head to the side and narrowed my eyes. “I don’t know what you’re—”
“Yeah, yeah. I wasn’t born yesterday,” he interrupted. “I see the way you two kids look at each other. I had that look once, and it doesn’t just go away overnight, either. Don’t screw it up. Ya hear? I’d hate to have to hurt you.”
“Yes, sir.” I silently laughed at his hurt me comment.
“But back to why I’m here. Every so often I go down to the seacoast to volunteer my services over at the Portsmouth Chapter of the Veterans Employment and Training Service Center. I don’t need to tell you about VETS.” I shook my head silently. I knew what VETS was. They grilled all of us during checkout about government services offered to us. Marty continued, “Since my wife passed away, I’ve found that just talking to these men and women actually does have its benefits.”
I listened as Marty told me more about how he helped veterans with whatever they needed. Whether it was financial stability, employment, or assisting them to find a direction in their life, he was there to help. Since 9/11, the Portsmouth base had become one of the most sought after help centers for those wounded veterans. Marty said it was those men and women that had the biggest hearts. Even though they had a physical disability, they were some of the most eager individuals to want to help others more than themselves.
I wondered if by some higher power I was destined to have Marty come into my life. I continued to help with the influx of customers as Marty narrated stories of how when he returned there wasn’t this type of help for service members and how so many of his fellow brothers could have been saved if programs like this had been set up.
“Hey, Marty.” I glanced up as I handed a little girl with a white painted daisy on her cheek her change for a bag of chocolate chip cookies. The girl, no more than five years old, patted Cocoa on the head and skipped off to her mom. I watched her strawberry blonde pigtails bounce with each skip of her pink rubber Crocs. From the cooler, I grabbed Cole’s cold stainless steel water bottle with Trouvaille logo stickers randomly stuck to the sides. I reached for the empty storage bowl that she had grapes in earlier for the ride here. I poured the water in and placed it onto the ground for Cocoa. Her wet snout flared and sniffed before she rose to her feet and took a few laps of the water, most of which fell from her jowls.
I rolled the small cooler over and sat next to Marty, pulling my foot up to rest on my knee. One hand held my ankle firmly on my leg, while my other hand clasped around the water bottle. I took a long, refreshing sip before I dropped my hand and twisted the cap back onto the bottle.
My heart genuinely knew that I needed to do this more for
myself than for others. If I were to go into the interview and testing for the state trooper’s position, my head needed to be clear and focused on the right course. My greatest fear, though, before I said anything was that by doing this program it might prove the one thing that would cripple me—finally admitting my faults to wounded veterans while they sat and judged me.
“Do you think I could stop by this place with you sometime this week? Maybe talk to some of the other veterans?” I asked, acutely aware of Marty pondering my questions while he ran his hand over his beard.
He reached out to smack his calloused hand against my arm. “Son, if you’ve got nothing going on tomorrow, we’ll drive over to the branch up near the lake first thing.”
By going there, it probably said I had more shit going on in my head than I suspected. Then my future career would be gone and any chance I thought I had with Cole here would disappear with it. She deserved more than a broken Marine. She was a dream come true for any guy, and I was a nightmare that would plague her each night as she slept.
When I noticed Cole leisurely walking through the crowds snapping photos, Marty rose from his seat. Cocoa whimpered once she heard Cole playfully shout her name. Marty tugged on her leash so she couldn’t dart off into the crowd. I pulled my cell phone from my pocket to check the time, noting the farmers’ market was just about over.
Cole stepped under the tent and removed her camera bag from her shoulder before setting the camera inside. She glanced around the baskets she set up with the bags for sale. Her eyes flitted back to me as I pushed off the cooler and stood, stretching my legs.
“Not bad for your first day on the job, Daley.” Cole winked at me. “See, a little sexy charm and good looks are all it takes. Right, Marty?”
“Sweetheart, this is exactly why I keep turning you down every time you ask me to be the face of the business.” Marty let out a deep laugh, but Cole sweetly rubbed his arm.
“Marty, trust me, you’d be the best salesman I could ever ask for. But, we both know you’d call in sick every day in the summer because you’d rather be out on your boat.” She chuckled softly before pulling a paper bag from her roll cart under the table.
Cole squatted down to Cocoa. Her tail swished over the grass while Cole scratched behind her ears. “Now, you didn’t think I’d forget about you. Did you, Cocoa?” Cole opened the bag to reveal a giant dog biscuit decorated with colorful frosting. “I baked this one special just for you last night.” She held one end out to Cocoa, and with one bite, Cocoa jerked it out of Cole’s hand. Cole patted her head as she broke the biscuit apart on the ground. Within seconds, it was devoured, and Cole stood up and brushed her hands on her shorts.
My mind began putting pieces of this together, and it finally clicked. I stepped in front of Cole and stopped her from passing by. “How did you know to bring Cocoa a dog biscuit today?” She tried to look confused, but something told me she knew I had figured it out.
Marty checked his watch and whistled before wandering over to Cocoa. Pulling her leash in his direction, he said, “I should be heading over to the Center. Cole, sweetheart, always a pleasure to see you.” He leaned in to give her a quick peck on the cheek. Marty walked out from under the tent and turned as he secured his cap on his scraggly gray hair. “And Drew…I’ll see you bright and early at the coffee shop tomorrow morning before heading to the Center. Eight sharp and don’t be late.” I nodded and waved, but heard him muttering about the younger generation sleeping days away and playing video games.
Cole attempted to sneak past me, but I caught her elbow, stopping her mid-step. I looked down into her humble eyes. “You told Marty to come talk to me today. Why?” She quickly retreated from my grasp and took a step back. Suddenly, it was as though she feared me when hours ago I felt a connection while she was in my arms. “Cole, what’s going on?”
My chest tightened, and my mind raced as I searched for an answer. Cole stood there with a blank look on her face. Her eyes that once held so much hope for me were now cloudy and distant. “Drew, let me explain.” I shook my head and wandered out from under the tent before returning to where I was standing.
“What’s there to explain, Cole?” The tone in my voice sharpened. My arms thrashed out to my sides. “What did I do that led you to believe I needed help?” I didn’t admit to her that I thought it might be good for me to talk about things with a few other service members who went through what I had. But, that was for me to decide at this point, nobody else. I had spent the last four years having everyone dictate my every move, and now this was my choice. This was my life.
My frustration level reached its breaking point. I angrily sat in the chair and twisted my fabric wristband. I fiddled with my 550 cord bracelet whenever I got tense while deployed. Slowly, I counted backward from ten—an exercise I started just before I left for overseas. It helped calm me when I needed to or at least that was what they told us to do when we were stressed. It was the only exercise that settled me when I wanted nothing more than to hop on the next flight home and steal Courtney.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Cole move a little closer. My eyes remained focused on my wristband. “Drew.” She sniffled softly. “I didn’t mean anything by it. Honest.” She sniffled again. “You have to understand I only said something because…”
I continued to stare at my fingers as they twisted the green band on my wrist. “Because why, Cole?” I pushed my body out of the chair and walked in her direction. “You think I need help? You think you know what goes on in my head? You don’t!” I snapped. I shouldn’t have been angry with her, but I was upset that she noticed a part of me that struggled with the start of a new day. She spotted the pain I had tried hard to keep hidden. How, I didn’t know, but it was not a place I ever wanted her to be.
“Screw you, Drew!” Cole protested as she edged her way closer to me. “Because you think I don’t know what a deployment can do to someone.” Her voice was no longer soft. Instead, it was full of anger and challenging me. “I’ve seen what happens when someone you love goes off to a war zone and that same person doesn’t come back. You think you are the only one who has loved and lost, Drew?” She stopped a foot in front of me.
My eyes stared into her pleading eyes as I watched her battle with herself over what she wanted to say next. My feet shuffled over to her, and my vision blurred as I saw her clutching her arms around her stomach. Her chest heaved for breath as she choked back tears. “Tell me about him.” My voice cracked, but I needed to hear about him.
She inhaled a pained, ragged breath before wiping away the tears that streamed down her face. “There’s not much to tell. What’s in the past is history. You’re here now, and when I look at you, I see him. As much as I don’t want to, I see it in your eyes. When I said something told me to fight for you—that was why. Truth is, Drew Daley, I can’t let you leave me too without fighting. But, I can’t let history repeat itself, which is why I asked Marty to talk to you. A girl can only take so many stabs to her heart before it stops beating. Please, don’t be the one last dagger to make it stop for good.”
My hands reached out and cupped her face. Tears overflowed my eyes as my heart broke for her. I wondered how lucky I was to have found this woman. Leaning toward her, I let my lips brush over her forehead. I caught my breath and tried to regain my composure. “Cole, I will never ever purposely hurt you. You understand that?” Her eyes closed, but she nodded as she cried through a smile. “Look at me, Cole.” Her tear-soaked lashes fluttered open, and I saw the pain etched behind her blue eyes. “You are the most special creature. You. You have helped me heal the broken pieces in me more than you will ever know. I can’t let you go. Not now and maybe not ever. I need you probably more than you need me.” My lips softly placed a chaste kiss upon her lips. I pulled back and said, “A part of me can’t help but think that I’m a darkness…a crutch that you don’t need in your life. And I hope to hell I’m wrong, because I don’t want to wake up one day and find out you were never real.�
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“You have to tell me,” I continued to probe her. She held her tongue the entire ride home. Not even tickling her side made her talk. She refused to tell me this big secret, and dammit, I earned the right to know. “I wore that damn apron, so you owe me this big secret.” I unloaded the last of her boxes from the Jeep and quickly followed her into the house.
“Liar! You wore that apron for five minutes. Don’t think for a second that I didn’t notice,” Cole said as she walked ahead of me. I kicked the door closed behind me with my heel since my arms were full. The coolness of the air conditioning blew against my face as I entered the house, and Cole sped away from me to the kitchen, avoiding having to reveal the secret.
I dropped the boxes onto her counter. Cole placed the freshly picked wild Maine blueberries and raspberries she bought at the market into storage containers and then into the fridge. She said on the way to the market that she liked to help local farmers whenever she could, and everything she purchased during the summer months at the farmers’ market and farm stands she used in the baked goods she sold at the café.
As Cole grabbed a bottle of white wine from the fridge, I pushed the dimmer switch on the wall, and the lights in the room came alive. She pulled a small tray of assorted cheeses and fruits out and removed the plastic wrap before placing it onto the counter. I reached up to grab two wine glasses as she sneaked a strawberry from the plate.
After pushing her Chucks off, she hopped onto a barstool at the island. I twisted the cap off the wine bottle, pouring the glasses before stepping in her direction. I extended my arm, and she reached out to grab the stem of the glass. She stretched her neck from side to side. It had been a long day for sure and being trapped in the car for nearly an hour heading home certainly wasn’t pleasant.
Broken Barriers (Barriers Series Book 4) Page 17