“It’s me, Leini. May I come in?”
“Come.”
Leini entered and closed the door.
She held out her panties. “Tatta, look! It’s terrible. I’m hurt and going to die.”
Putting on her glasses, Tatta gave the panties a cursory inspection. She glanced at Leini, a faint smile playing at the corners of her mouth.
“Sit here, girl.” She tapped the side of her bed. “Your mother should be doing this. Where is Mrs. Bauman?”
“Mira’s asleep. She’ll kill me if I wake her.” Fat tears ran down Leini’s cheeks. “What’s wrong with me, Tatta?”
“Oh dear, it’s nothing you need to worry about. You’re growing up, getting to be a young woman.” Leaving her bed, Tatta pulled on a checkered flannel dressing gown. “Come.” She shuffled in her slippers to Leini’s bathroom.
“This bleeding,” Tatta said, “it’s going to happen every month.” She went on to explain to Leini what it signified, why it happened and showed Leini what to use, how to keep clean.
Leini listened, her mouth agape, relieved she wasn’t about to die. She’d heard of the period from whispered conversations between girls in school. She’d read about it in the tabloids secretly passed around. In fact, she’d been expecting it with impatience. Paula was one of the girls who already had her period. She didn’t participate in sports or swim when she had her “thing.” Until now, Leini, twelve years old, had felt excluded from the secret sisterhood of women.
Grinning at Tatta, Leini expelled a huge sigh. “The girls at school talked about bleeding, but nobody’s said a word about the pain. Both together scared me.” So now I know what it’s like.
“I wish your mother would handle this. A mother should tell her daughter about these things.” Tatta sighed. “Oh, well, this is the way it is. Now, do as I told you, then hurry to bed.”
The following afternoon Leini found a packet of sanitary napkins on her bed.
Mira never said a word.
* * *
It seemed to Leini that the next six years passed by in a heartbeat. One day she was a teenager with no longer a place in a child’s world, but too young to fit in with adults. Time went by the way it does, one day at a time, but to her it was as if she went to bed one night still a girl on the cusp of womanhood. The next morning—or maybe it was the morning thereafter—she awoke a young woman going on eighteen.
Chapter 18
Helsinki, May 1956
The end of the school year was near. Only two more weeks. One year from now I’ll graduate. The end is so close, it’s a bit scary.
Stuffing books and notepads into her bag, Leini took a deep breath to quell the excitement. By the door to the classroom, Paula waited for her.
“Hey, what’s the rush? I thought we’d take the long way around, go downtown for a milkshake or something.”
“Paula, I’d love to. Another time. Have to run.”
Paula pouted, her usual smile gone, a touch of guilt murmured inside Leini. She hooked her arm in Paula’s as they descended the stairs. A couple of boys jostled them, pulling at Paula’s long braid before they continued their breakneck course down the stairs.
“Out of the way, Leini Queer Eye,” one of them shouted. The other gave a loud snicker, repeating the taunt.
Leini stopped on the stairs, her breath catching in her throat. “I should be used to these idiots by now, not let them bother me.” She shrugged. “I’m not, though. The insult always hurts, because it’s true what they say. My eye has adjusted…I see very well now, but the bad one makes me look dopey.”
“Come on, Leini, you don’t look dopey. Don’t pay attention to them. They’re stupid is all. Pretend you didn’t hear.”
“You’re right. You’re my dearest, best friend and you’re right. We’ll talk about something else.” She gazed into Paula’s ice-blue eyes. “Since I met Bo I can’t stop thinking of him. You’re coming to the party at Annalisa’s tonight, aren’t you?”
“Sure, I’ll be there. Are you going with Bo?”
“Yes, he’s coming to get me. It’s our first date. I’m so excited, I can’t wait.” Throwing her suede jacket over her shoulders, she again took Paula’s arm. They pushed open the door and stepped into the spring sunshine, warm and benevolent.
“I’ll see you at the party,” Leini said, waving as Paula turned onto her street.
Leini squared her shoulders and hurried toward home, inhaling the scent of lilacs and rowan.
The party! She’d been to parties before with food and beer and…dancing. And oh, how she loved to dance! The rhythm of the music transported her, making her light as air, her feet hardly touching the floor, and her dance partner was important only if he knew how to lead. But tonight was special. She had a date, a first. She’d gone out with the occasional boy before, to the movies or for an ice cream, but tonight this wonderful boy, Bo, would fetch her and drive her to Annalisa’s party.
She hitched the heavy school bag securely over her shoulder and hurried toward home. At the front door, she almost collided with Harry.
Grabbing her by arm, Harry kept her from stumbling. “Easy, Leini. What’s your hurry?”
“Sorry I bumped you. I have a date and a zillion things to do to get ready.”
“Well, hurry and get dolled up, as if you need it. You’re as pretty as a picture with your long legs, beautiful hair and skin that would make any woman envious. You’ll tell me about it tomorrow, won’t you?”
She waved her fingers at him. “Of course I will.” She punched the button to the fifth floor, rocking from foot to foot in her impatience.
After a shower, she pulled on sheer nylon stockings and stepped into her first pair of high-heeled shoes, black sling-back sandals. On one of her walks with Papi, she pointed at them in a shop window.
“Look, Papi. They’re gorgeous. Don’t you think they’re darling?”
“Hmm. Can’t see how anybody can totter on such stilts.”
Playfully, she poked him in the ribs.
About a week later, Papi handed her an envelope. “This is for your impressive grades. Do with the money what you want. Although I guess we’ll soon see you wear a pair of spike-heeled ‘darling’ shoes.” Papi winked at her. “Keep up the good work, my precious.”
In front of the full-length mirror, Leini fussed with hair that wouldn’t settle the way she wanted, and touched her lips with a light pink lipstick. She scrutinized the image of the girl in her late teens wearing a form-hugging black blouse and a flared taffeta skirt, also black. A wide true-red belt around her narrow waist broke the uniformity of color, accentuating high breasts. Excited to meet Bo, she smiled into the mirror, white teeth gleaming. She was practicing dance steps when the door burst open.
Mira’s husky voice stopped her in mid-step. “Where’s the miss going?”
Turning, Leini faced her. “I’m going to a party at Annalisa’s.” Please, please don’t let her make a scene right now. If only for this one time, I’d like to leave without a fight.
Mira breezed into the room, carrying with her a half-smoked cigarette between her fingers and a strong scent of perfume. “And there’ll be food and booze, I suppose?”
Leini checked her handbag for keys and money. “I don’t know. I suppose.” She spoke in a low voice, trying not to provoke Mira.
“Well, I hope you’ll remember your upbringing. Don’t drink alcohol and only nibble on the food. You know it’s bad manners to eat at a party. It shows greed, and people might think you don’t get enough food at home.”
“Yes, Mira.” Anything to keep her from getting nasty. Where’s Papi?
Mira puffed on her cigarette, the pillar of ash ready to drop to the floor. “I want you to behave…no sleeping around.”
Leini’s hands shook, a hot wave of anger burning in her. “I don’t sleep around, Mira.” She made a concerted effort to sound calm. I’ve heard all this before. Every time I leave the house, she says the same things.
Mira pulled ag
ain on her cigarette, now only a stub between her fingers. “I’m only thinking of your best, girl. Once you’re married, sex is a disgusting obligation, so don’t start before you have to. Once married, you’ll have more than enough of it.”
Leini stopped, one arm in the sleeve of her overcoat. She turned to stare at Mira—this was new. Mira had never used the word “sex” before. She never told her anything about what went on between a man and a woman, but she warned Leini against sleeping around. Leini wasn’t quite sure what it meant. Her knowledge was sketchy. The little she knew came from listening to friends talk and from sleazy magazines some of the girls in her class passed around.
To hide her embarrassment, Leini turned her back, fumbling with the other sleeve of her coat. “Yes, Mira,” she said, not sure it was the right answer. She stepped outside and rang for the elevator. Some of the sparkle and joy from only moments ago paled from Mira’s coarseness.
As the elevator opened, Mira held out a hand as if to stay her. “Don’t come home too late.”
Inside the small enclosure, Leini sagged against the back wall. Saved by the elevator. She giggled from relief to have escaped, joyous to have avoided another argument, which would have ended in Mira forbidding her to leave.
In the foyer, Harry held the door for her. “Your young man’s waiting for you.” A little teaser of a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. “He doesn’t have a white mount, but the car’s not bad at all.”
A hot wave covered her face.
“Have a great time, my Leini.”
As the heavy front door closed behind her, Leini took a deep breath of air, fragrant with spring flowers and damp earth. Bo leaned against his car, an elegant late model, red with white roof. Her heart beat faster as she took in his tall robust body, thinking that she liked tall men. An unruly shock of blond hair accentuated the outdoorsy high color of his face. He was twenty-three years old, she not quite eighteen. A second-year engineering student, he was heir to a vast farm that had belonged to the family for generations. During their first conversation when they met at a popular café he told Leini all this.
As she now drew close, he glanced at his watch and smiled at her, pale blue eyes gleaming. “Hi, Leini, you’re right on time. I like that.” He opened the car door for her and squeezed her hand; a brief touch, but it sent small shivers of excitement up her arm.
His family, like Leini’s, was part of the minority of Finns who spoke Swedish as their mother tongue. Wherever Bo happened to be, a crowd of boys and girls flocked around him. His generous and frequent laughter and positive outlook make him popular. He could have chosen any girl to take to the party tonight. Leini was awestruck and flattered he’d invited her.
Driving the few blocks to Annalisa’s, Leini fidgeted with the strap on her shoulder bag, her head empty of anything interesting to say. She concentrated on the music from the car radio.
“Do you like Elvis Presley?” he asked.
“So-so. I think he’s a bit…too much.”
He gave her a sidelong glance. “Hmm. What do you mean?”
Ouch. Open mouth, insert foot. Bo might think she was snobbish if he liked Elvis and she said she didn’t.
“I mean, he’s overrated. That gyrating and the crazy way he wears his hair….” Unsure how to continue, she said nothing more.
Bo guffawed, an explosion of merriment. “You’re quite astute. In fact, I agree with you. I don’t much care for Elvis, either. Whom do you like? Among musicians, I mean.”
Leini thought for a minute. He’ll probably think I’m a drag. I should play it safe and go with the standard Paul Anka. But, no, he asked me, so I’ll tell him. He’ll either like me or not; my taste in music shouldn’t make a difference. “I love Louis Armstrong and the Sydney Bechet and the Swingle Singers, to start with.”
“Wow, your taste is pretty sophisticated.” He parked by the curb and switched off the engine. “Here we are.” Before she could respond, he’d left the car and opened the door on her side, taking her hand to help her. Again the warmth of a flush touch her cheeks. Smiling, she inclined her head and hooked her arm in his as they crossed the short distance to the front door.
The party was going full force when they arrived. The music from the hi-fi was nearly lost in loud talk, laughter and shrill shrieks of joy. Bo set her coat with the others on a table. With his hand against the small of her back, they sauntered inside searching for their friends. She glimpsed Annalisa, but didn’t get a chance to more than wave before Annalisa disappeared in the crowd. Bo thrust a flute of champagne in Leini’s hand.
He touched his glass to hers. “Cheers.”
The champagne was cold and very dry. Leini had tasted wine before, but never champagne. She liked the exploding bubbles against her palate, and the coolness was refreshing.
Bo took her glass, placing it on a side table together with his. He put an arm around her waist. “Let’s dance. You like dancing, I hope.”
“I love to dance.”
The floor was so crowded, all they could do was sway to the rhythm of the music. At first she was timid in his arms. He held her so tight she could feel the heat from his body, and something hard pressing against her thigh. Embarrassed, she stumbled as she realized what it was. He wrapped both arms around her, his cheek pressing against hers a bit wet with perspiration and prickly from the stubble of his beard.
“Gee, it’s hot in here,” Bo said, releasing her to shed his navy blue blazer and loosen his tie. When he took her in his arms again, she tried to relax, to lose the feeling of awkwardness.
“Mm, you smell nice,” he whispered so close to her ear his breath tickled.
The music stopped. She had another glass of champagne, a bit flat, not as cold this time. Somebody turned the lights low. Nat King Cole sang “Too Young.”
They danced, Bo humming off key.
“The heat is killing me. Aren’t you warm?” he asked after a while.
Nodding, she gazed into his pale blue eyes, set deep in their sockets.
He grabbed her hand. “Come, let’s find a cooler place.”
Leini followed him into the room next door. They found it empty and blissfully calm. A light behind the padded curtain rod made the room dim, a relief to Leini’s sensitive eyes. She wondered if it was such a good idea to be alone with him, at the same time wanting to be there, just the two of them. Bo steered her to the leather couch that faced the bay window, sitting close to her, an arm around her shoulders, his other hand playing with her fingers.
“You’re a very nice girl, Leini Bauman.”
“Huh? Why do you say that?”
“Because I mean it. I like you a lot.” Very slowly his face came closer. And closer.
When his soft and a little moist lips covered hers, she closed her eyes, holding her breath. He moved his lips back and forth against hers, squeezing her to him with both arms. One hand cupped her breast. The nipple grew stiff. Her lips opened under his prodding tongue, her heart hammering in her chest. She caressed the nape of his neck, fingers playing in his soft hair. Their kiss because more urgent, her breathing raspy and fast. With no resistance, she allowed him to lean her against the armrest of the couch, his body half-lying on hers, the hardness from before pressing against her. His hands roamed over her. One of them stole inside her blouse and under her bra. She gasped as his hand found her bare breast, soon going to places no foreign hand had touched. Feelings she couldn’t name awoke in her. She’d never known emotions as intense as these. Breathing in short gulps of air, she was embarrassed about the dampness between her legs when his hand came to play there. And it was too much. It was going too far. Blinking, she grabbed his wrist to push away his hand and tried to sit, but couldn’t for his weight. Taking a deep breath, she put both her hands on his shoulders.
“Bo, please, don’t.”
He gazed at her. “What’s wrong, honey? Don’t you like it?”
“Yes. No… I don’t know.” Pushing him from her, face burned. “I can’t.”
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He stared at her. “Why not? Come on, Leini, I’ll be good to you.”
She stared off into the distance, not to see at Bo’s face shiny with sweat. With one hand she kept her blouse together.
“I won’t. Please don’t insist.”
“Is it me? Or is there somebody else?”
“There’s nobody. I…I guess I’m not ready?” She felt guilty at her inexperience.
He gazed at her. His mouth opened and closed. “Oh my gawd, do you mean to say you’re a virgin?”
Shy, but also annoyed that she let things get out of hand, she nodded.
“Oh my. I never dreamed. You’re what, Leini? Eighteen?”
She nodded. “What’s wrong with that?”
“Nothing. I’m surprised is all.” He kept gazing at her. “Other girls a lot younger have been around.”
She pulled at a strand of hair, weaving it around her finger. “Well, I’m not other girls.” She wished she could be like those girls. Worry that he wouldn’t want to see her again churned inside.
“That’s obvious,” he said.
They sat silent, Leini’s hand in his.
Turning to face her, he planted a kiss on her cheek and stood. “You’re sweet. Come, let’s go find something to drink. I’m parched, aren’t you?”
She nodded, her hand still in his. They left the room. On their way to the table with drinks and finger food, they encountered a boy, beer bottle in hand, popping peanuts in his mouth.
“Hey, Mark.” Turning to Leini, Bo said, “Leini, meet my kid brother.”
His resemblance to Bo was striking; same light blue eyes and mop of blond hair. Mark nodded at Leini, his smile broad and generous like Bo’s. His intense eyes took in her tussled hair and blouse with a couple of buttons undone.
“Bo always knows how to pick the prettiest girls. He’s lucky that way.” He wrinkled his forehead, leaning closer to study her. “Your eyes,” he said, glancing to his left. “What’s wrong with your eyes? It’s crazy, I can’t tell if you’re looking at me or somebody next to me. It’s confusing.” A mischievous smile pulled at the corners of his mouth.
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