“Oh, Leini! Oh my gawd! Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure. The doctor is going to run a test, but he was pretty positive. I don’t have the stomach flu; I…I’m pregnant!”
“Oh, sweetheart. That’s so wonderful! When’s the baby due, do you know?
“The doctor thinks early May.”
The line was quiet for a moment, Bill’s breathing distinct in her ear.
“That’s perfect. A spring baby. Now promise me you go straight home, have a rest, take care of yourself.”
“I promise, darling.”
Forgetting the coffee she ordered, Leini left the bistro. She walked the short distance to her car as if on glass, careful not to hurt her baby. About to insert the key in the ignition, a disturbing, frightening thought struck her. Eyes squeezed shut, she held her breath as fear like a freezing wind numbed her. I’m going to be a mother, but what do I know about being a mother?
She wrung her icy hands while tears blurred her vision. Mira slapping her for saying she had as beautiful eyes as the cow when she was only a small child of five; of Mira manipulating her to have the eye operation, which cost her the sight in one eye. Memories, all of them terrifying her. In her distress and anguish, Leini was hard put to remember a single caress, a kind word, a gentle gesture. There must have been some. Mira hadn’t been all nastiness. But right now—about to become a mother herself—she was hard put to remember anything positive. No matter what, I’m not going to be a mother like Mira!
Chapter 32
Geneva, Fall 1960
At home again after the appointment with the obstetrician, Leini considered going to bed, but the queasiness from the morning was gone. Her mind was in a turmoil, but physically she could find nothing wrong. She changed into a pair of jeans and settled in a pool of sunlight in the living room in one of the deep armchairs, feet on a cassock. Pen and pad at hand, she looked up “Psychiatrist” in the phone book, noting the names and phone numbers of the two she already considered. Before she could talk herself out of it, she grabbed the phone. If this one answers, he’s the one I’ll see. She dialed and stood twining the phone cord around her free hand. The line was busy. She tried the second number and got through. Giving her name, she said she wanted to make an appointment.
The receptionist’s terse and impersonal voice put fur on Leini’s teeth. “Do you mind giving me a short summary as to the reason for seeing the doctor?”
Yes, I mind very much. “I have some issues I need to talk about.” Leini inhaled and straightened her shoulders, making her voice firm. “I prefer to explain it all to the doctor.”
Leini noted date and time in her agenda; the day after tomorrow seemed awfully soon. As she hung up, a shiver of apprehension like an arctic chill coursed up and down her spine. At least this will make Bill happy.
A tendril of excitement tickled inside at the thought of Bill’s return from work. She imagined his expression and comments at the prospect of becoming a father.
In the kitchen, running the electric beater to prepare a cheese soufflé, Leini didn’t hear Bill before he stuck a bunch of long-stemmed roses in front of her. Setting the flowers on the counter, she wrapped her arms around his neck. She sensed a difference in the way he held her; less ardent, more prudent, almost reverential. Moving her lips against his, she tickled the corners of his mouth with the tip of her tongue. In response, he held her head, kissing her forehead, her cheeks, light touches against her closed eyelids.
With her hands on top of his, she smiled. “You can hold me, darling. I’m pregnant, not breakable.”
He grinned. “Give me some time; this is new to me. I don’t know how to behave. I’m in awe, sweetie. And I’m so happy.”
“Oh yes, so am I. It’s a bit earlier than we planned, but now that it’s happening, it’s wonderful.”
He enveloped her in his arms, her face pressed against his shoulder. She gave a fleeting thought to the soufflé that was probably ruined, but this was more important. Leading her to the table, he sat next to her, arms around her, her head resting on his shoulder.
“Since I lost my parents I’ve missed having a family. I can’t quite believe I’m going to be a father. Sure takes some getting used to.”
“I guess you’re right. Pregnancy has already brought on some physical changes so this is more real to me.” She closed her eyes for an instant. “Bill, I want to be a good mother, the best mother I know how.” Her sigh was like a sob. “Mira hasn’t been a good role model.
“In fact, I don’t know anything about mothering. I want to avoid making the same mistakes with our baby she made with me.” She glanced at Bill. “Since I left the obstetrician’s office I’ve been thinking: I must come to terms with some of the wounds I carry. When the baby comes, I’d like to be rid of these nightmares, emotionally free to love our child.”
“You look so serious. Darling, you’re going to be a wonderful mother.”
She shook her head. “I’m not so sure. Mira wasn’t a good nurturer; I have no points of reference. A long time ago Karl told me it’s possible not to copy her behavior. He said it depends on what I’m willing to do to break the pattern.” She took a deep gulp of air. So, I’m following your suggestion—I’ve made an appointment with a psychiatrist to start therapy.”
He stared at her for a long while. His bright smile brought feather creases to the corners of his soft eyes. “Leini, that’s wonderful news. I agree, these nightmares have to go, they’re eating at you. You’re doing the right thing.”
“I know I am. Our baby deserves the very best—the best father, the best mother, the best start in life. I’ll do my utmost to work on the trauma from my past so I can start healing while I’m expecting our baby.” She grabbed his hands, body tense, passion in her voice. “Bill, I want our children to have every possible chance at happiness. I don’t want to perpetuate Mira’s behavior. With the psychiatrist’s help, I’ll change and heal. I so want to be a good mother.”
“We’ll do it together, be good parents, I mean.”
Groping for a tissue on the table, she used it like a towel to dry her tear-streaked face. “Oh, Bill, I love you so.”
* * *
The psychiatrist’s waiting room was furnished with comfortable groups of chairs and small tables. There were none of the standard-issue seats marching along the walls. Despite the bleak day, the room was bright from a bank of windows and a domed skylight. The pale pink of the painted walls harmonized with the magenta-colored, wall-to-wall carpet.
Tense and apprehensive, Leini brought several typewritten pages in preparation for the appointment. In her state of nervousness she wound them into a tight tube.
Doctor Morgenthaler came to get her in the waiting room, rather than have the receptionist tell her he was free. Walking by his side, he was a whole head taller than she. His toffee-brown hair grew past his ears. She noticed he was a big man altogether, and she was partial to big men. They made her feel secure.
“Have a seat,” he offered in his office.
Leini glanced at a black leather chair behind his large desk. Taking in the three overstuffed armchairs, she wondered which one would suit her best. The seating in a psychiatrist’s office wasn’t a banality. In her work with troubled employees, she was particular about her space in relation to her client.
Seeing her indecision he made a sweeping gesture with his hand. “Take any chair you like.”
Used to psychiatrists arranging the seating mindful of their own comfort zones, she gave him a sharp look before she sank into one of the overstuffed chairs. Doctor Morgenthaler took a seat directly opposite her—a positive surprise. He didn’t need to hide behind the shield of his desk. He flipped the pages in her intake form, made a note here and there. Smiling with even white teeth, he looked at her with eyes gleaming like black oil.
“You have a master’s degree in psychology. Where did you study?”
“Right here, at the Geneva University.”
He returned to reading the
form. Leini took a quivering breath of air.
“You indicate ‘random’ for source of referral. What do you mean by random.”
“I picked two names by chance from the phone book. You drew the longer straw.”
His warm laughter made her smile, some of her tension evaporating.
“I always tell new patients the same thing. We’ll work together for three months. If you’re not satisfied, you’re free to stop seeing me at any time. If you wish, I’ll even give you a couple of referrals.”
Leini uncrossed her legs, then crossed them the other way.
“The same goes for you. If you feel I can’t help you, I’ll refer you to a colleague.”
“Fair enough,” she said. “I was going to propose something along those lines.” The cramped muscles in her neck loosened somewhat.
He grinned. “I have a feeling working with you is going to be both interesting and a challenge, as you’re a psychologist yourself. Let’s get to the point,” he said, leaning against the back of his chair. “What prompts you to see a psychiatrist?”
This is it. I must identify the problems and explain what I expect as the result of this therapy. Suddenly, relief flooded her that she came prepared for this session. Not needing the notes she brought with her, she stuck the papers in her handbag.
“To summarize—I’m pregnant—our baby’s due in May. My own mother wasn’t a warm and loving parent. I want to learn to be a good mother.” She spread her hands. “It’s that simple…and that complicated.” Sighing, she added, “I have nightmares.”
It seemed barely minutes passed by when Doctor Morgenthaler glanced at the desk clock and announced their time was up.
Leini was drenched in anxious sweat. Her thin blouse was wet in the back and perspiration ran between her breasts.
By the door, he shook her hand, holding it in his for a moment.
“We’ve touched on the conflicting relationship between you and your mother. I’ll need to understand much more about the dynamics. Would you try to remember a couple of things your mother did to you that were painful? What did she say, what were the things she did that hurt the most?”
About to open the door, Leini stopped. She bit her lip to hold in the question burning her tongue—was this really right for her? Was she quite prepared to dredge up the past?
* * *
Fiddling with the key, always a bit stiff in the lock, it finally turned. Leini pushed open the front door and rushed to the phone. She placed a call to Helsinki. While she waited for the connection, she sat by the phone, twining a lock of hair. The phone rang, the call went through.
“Grandma Britta!” Leini shouted from excitement. “This is Leini. Can you hear me?”
“I hear you. Don’t shout. How are you, my dove?”
“Great. Grandma Britta, Bill and I are going to have a baby!”
A short pause. “That’s wonderful news. I’m very happy for you.”
“Please come visit us in Geneva after the baby’s born. Please, say yes,” she begged, heart fluttering like a bird’s wing. “This is your first great-grandchild, grandma.”
Over the line, Leini heard a sob or a sharp breath. “Dear child, we will have to see. I haven’t been feeling well lately. Nothing you need to worry about. I have a bit of pain in the side and I’m tired.”
Leini’s midriff cramped; her hand holding the receiver was slick with sweat. “I couldn’t stand it if anything happened to you. Please take care, Grandma.”
“Easy does it, Leini. Make sure to take care of yourself. I’m very happy for you. Give Bill my best regards.” True to herself, Grandma Britta broke the connection before Leini could inflict another word.
Leini remained seated by the phone. Life. Birth and death. But, no, Grandma Britta can’t leave, not before she’s seen…
That night after dinner, she called Papi and Mira, talking first to Mira. After greetings, without preamble, because she didn’t know how else to do it, Leini blurted out the news.
“I’m pregnant.” Thinking it was too abrupt, wishing she’d planned how to say if before Mira came on the line.
“Oh, you are?”
Leini waited for something more.
“Yes,” Leini said to break the growing silence. “Bill and I are going to have a baby.” She rolled her eyes at Bill in the armchair by the desk.
“Isn’t it very soon?”
“I don’t understand what you mean, Mira.”
“Well, you haven’t been married for long, and you’re still so young.”
“Nonsense, we’ve been married long enough. We’re both ecstatic about this baby.” She inhaled to calm the rapid flutter of her heart. “As to being too young, I want to be a young mother.”
“In that case, all I can say is good luck. When’s the baby due?”
“Early in May.”
Another silence, then Mira said in a firm voice, “Good. A spring baby is always hardier. I’ll come to Geneva end of April, look after you, help you during the early times after you’re home with a new child.”
“Why would you do that?”
“Isn’t it obvious? I’m your mother.”
Leini’s heart almost stood still. Closing her eyes, she groped for Bill’s hand. A bit late in the game to remember such a detail.
“What is it?” he whispered.
Shaking her head, she said into the phone, “Thanks for offering, Mira. There’s still time to talk about it.” She exhaled, shoulders sagging. “If Papi’s there, I’d like a word with him.”
A short pause, then Papi’s warm voice. “Hello, my Leini. What’s going on?”
“Papi. I’m so glad to hear your voice. I’m calling—Bill, too, right next to me—we have great news. We’re expecting a baby.” She waited a beat. “Come May, you’re going to be a grandfather. How do you like that!”
“A baby! Leini, it’s absolutely wonderful. Congratulations to both of you. Ah, my little girl, I can hardly grasp it. Are you happy? Is Bill happy?”
“Yes, we’re both so happy.”
“All I can think of saying is, my, oh my! God bless, my Leini. I’ll call you in a day or two after I’ve digested this. It’s wonderful you’re both happy. Now let me talk to Bill.”
She handed him the receiver. “Papi wants to talk to you.”
Leaving Bill to his conversation, Leini stretched on the couch, tears pooling in her eyes. Papi always knew to say the right words. The generous expression of his pure and unreserved love of her was a precious gift she wanted to imprint on her mind and emotions. Mira may not have been a good nurturer and role model, but Papi’s unstinting love and unquestioning acceptance of Leini were priceless treasures. She was determined to carry those gifts into motherhood, to use them in abundant measure with this baby and any future children they had.
Chapter 33
Geneva, Late Fall 1960
The deeper into her childhood Leini journeyed, the more painful the therapy sessions with Doctor Morgenthaler became. She expressed a growing concern about a possible danger to her baby from the emotional upheaval. “With no apparent reason I often burst into tears. I have nightmares, and my sleep is restless. Can this be harmful to the baby?”
The doctor seemed to take her concern seriously. “I don’t think therapy is harmful to the baby. To be really sure, I suggest we call your obstetrician together. He’s better placed to put your mind to rest.” He reached for the phone. “Should he advise against therapy at this stage of your pregnancy we’ll stop immediately. It’s not too late to resume our work after you’ve had your baby.”
Shifting in the chair, more like a wide, deep lap than a piece of furniture, Leini’s lips stretched into a huge smile from relief and gratitude. When Dr. Dutoit came on the line, Dr. Morgenthaler explained her qualms.
“Madame Gardet is in my office right now. You’d better explain this to her directly.”
She took the receiver, engrossed in his explanation. To her relief, he confirmed what Dr. Morgenthaler already
told her.
On the line, Dr. Dutoit chuckled. “You’ll be all right to pursue therapy throughout your pregnancy.” Another throaty laughter. “I’ll let you in on a little secret; the life you’re carrying is much tougher than you think.”
Handing the receiver to Dr. Morgenthaler, she sagged in her chair. “Oh, I’m relieved.” And liked him immensely for his consideration and understanding.
“I’m glad your reservations are gone. We’ll focus our work on what your mother did and how it affected you. I hope you’ll discover some of her reasons.”
Leini giggled. “‘The truth shall set you free.’ But first it takes you through the wringer, huh?”
He laughed low in his throat, something he didn’t do often. “Joking apart, Mrs. Gardet, understanding of her motives will gradually bring forgiveness.”
As if a light was snuffed out, all merriment left her. “What?! Forgiveness? You must be joking.” The room spun in front of her eyes. Forgive Mira. Me?
Dr. Morgenthaler fixed her with an intent look. “I’m dead serious.” His voice was firm. “Make no mistake about it—you won’t find real peace of mind before you forgive your mother. And be sincere about it, as well.”
“Do you realize, Doctor, that my visual handicap is a constant reminder of what Mira’s done to me? Every time I have trouble judging distance—which is a lot of the time—when I have a headache because of too much strain on my good eye, I’m reminded of how she blackmailed me into having the operation, promising she’d love me if I was beautiful.” Her voice broke on a sob. “I was a child, only eight years old, so of course I believed her.”
“Take it easy. I understand this isn’t easy. Coming to forgive Mira will take time. There’s no rush—we’ll work at a pace that suits you.” He glanced at her. “Some time ago I asked you to tell me the worst Mira did to you. What hurt you the most? Are you ready to talk about it now?”
Eyes closed, Leini breathed in and out a couple of times to quell the roaring motor inside. She opened her eyes to gaze at him. “I’m ready, I guess. It’s been on my mind since you first asked me. It’s the ongoing theme of my nightmares. The setting may change, but essentially it’s always the same terrible, belittling dream.” Images flashed in her mind’s eye. She was almost panting from a mounting distress.
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