“You mean she’s single, that’s promising.”
“Which part of NO do you take to mean yes? I can see why you’re a salesman, but Mary is off limits. She had a rough marriage. Her husband used to beat her up and the last thing I want is to be responsible for her getting her mind screwed up again.”
“What, you think I’m going to beat her?”
“Bill, if you mention it one more time...we’ll fall out, okay?
“Okay, but I was just say...”
“Enough! I don’t want to hear any more,” said Jamie interrupting and putting his hand up to signal the final word. Bill went into a sulk.
Jamie felt a bit guilty, but the guy had an infuriating habit of not taking hints and now he wouldn’t take no for an answer. At the same time, he couldn’t bear to see him dejected so he changed the subject.
“I‘m looking forward to bowling tomorrow night, Bill; the kids are excited. I think they’ve taken to you. As a matter of fact, Ellie asked if you wanted to go clothes shopping on Saturday with the two of us. I need to buy a shirt for the Hawaiian party,” said Jamie.
Bill perked up and his sulk turned into a broad smile.
“That’s great Maybe Ellie will pick out some clothes for me too?”
“Yeah good idea. But I’m not sure about Sunday and fishing at the lake that Steve mentioned, especially if we’re out late on Saturday.”
“Oh don’t worry about that, we can take off at lunch. It’s not that far and besides I’ve bought all the food for the barbecue. Oh, here, I nearly forgot. I bought you a crossword book.”
Bill had done it again. There was no way Jamie could refuse him now without being downright rude. For the sake of peace and harmony in the household and his fledgling friendship, he would let it pass. The day went fine, the conversation was good and Bill made another great meal. But there didn’t seem to be any chance of him going, when the telephone rang.
“Hi, JJ, Mary here. Is the coast clear?”
“Ah okay, Mary. . .if I must. . .I’ll just get changed. Just blow your horn when you arrive and I’ll be straight out.”
“I take it he’s still there then?” she said.
“Yeah, you could say that. See you soon,” answered Jamie and he put the phone down, impressed with his deviousness. “Sorry Bill, I have to go out. Important staff meeting.”
“No problem, I’ll pay my daughter a visit.”
Jamie was amazed how well the plot worked. As he heard Mary’s car horn, he ushered Bill to the door and followed him out. He jumped into Mary’s car waving Bill goodbye.
“Put your foot on it. . .get me out of here!”
“Got it boss.” She gave him a smile.
Looking in the wing mirror, Jamie could see Bill fading into the distance.
“Thank goodness for that! Honestly, Mary, I owe you a big one for coming to the rescue. That guy. . . head for the shopping mall. We can get a great coffee there and you can fill me in.”
Arriving at the mall Jamie and Mary sat down for a coffee. Jamie felt relaxed now he was out of the house. Mary filled him in on what was happening at work but soon the conversation returned to Bill. Jamie unloaded.
“I can’t believe that guy! How could I feel the need to escape my own home?” Jamie looked at her in dismay. “It’s not that I don’t like Bill, but I just don’t seem to be able to shake him off my back. I feel like I’m wearing him like a glove that’s shrunk, and I can’t peel it off my hand.”
“That’s because you don’t know where he’s coming from,” Mary said with a soothing tone of wisdom.
“How can you know? You only met him for two minutes?”
“That’s not the point. From what you’ve told me, the plain truth is that he’s lonely. His daughter’s shacked up with her boyfriend and apart from his nights at the singles’ club, he has no one in his life. He doesn’t trust women enough to have a real relationship, so he’s chosen to adopt you and your family.”
“I was right then, he is a stalker.”
“Not a stalker exactly, but you need to set the rules, or he may turn into one,” said Mary, laughing.
“Where do you get all this great insight? I would never have worked it out. I just thought he was weird.”
“I’m single, remember? I’ve been there, but after ten years on my own, I’m past all that now. I have my work, my family and my hobbies. Why do you think I put the application form in your file? It was obvious you were suffering; everyone in the office could see it. You have kids, but all the same, the loneliness of going to bed alone doesn’t go away for a long time.”
“Yeah, you’re right. I hadn’t thought about it.”
“Neither you, nor Bill will find someone until you’re happy under your own skin.”
“What? I hope you don’t mean me and Bill as a couple?”
“Sorry, maybe I should reword it. I mean you two as individuals. Look Jamie, you were unhappy before June left. I could sense that. And now you probably feel like you wasted your life, like a failure?”
“You can say that again,” Jamie nodded. How can she know all this?
“It’s hard to put into words, but once you start stepping out into the world and find happiness in your daily life, and you feel comfortable in your own skin without someone, that’s when you will find someone.”
“Well then, how come you haven’t found anyone?”
“How do you know I haven’t?”
“Oh, dear me, sorry to pry.”
“Talk about prying, tell me why you’re down on women?”
“Ha, I thought you’d let it pass. It’s nothing really, I just feel disillusioned about the singles’ club. It seems a microcosm for every deviant type of shallow minded, single person that ever lived!” Jamie exclaimed. He was pleased he had chosen his words carefully to explain his night with Sandra and Grace and avoid the gory details.
“That sounded a bit over the top. At least you’ve met Bill. Look how you’ve changed for the better with your kids and all, and now you’re actually looking at social events. Like I said, all you need to do is set some rules.”
“Yeah, I think you’re right. It’s just a club for single, lonely people fighting their fears. I think I’ll take your advice and set some ground rules,” said Jamie looking at his watch surprised at the time.
“Heavens, Mary, it’s ten-thirty. We’d better be getting back.”
Jamie thought about her take on his situation, as she drove him back, wondering if she was truly happy with her life. Reaching his home, he hesitated before opening the car door.
“Thanks, Mary, as always, you’ve been a great help. Don’t take this the wrong way,” he said as he reached across and pecked her on the cheek and then rushed into the house to catch the kids before they went to bed. Turning his key in the door, he had a strange feeling and turned around to see Bill’s car in the street. His front door opened and out walked Bill.
“Hi, JJ, I was just leaving when Steve came home and invited me back in. I’m just leaving now.”
“Good, because I start work tomorrow and I need an early night. Wednesday night, the kids and I will pick you up to go bowling and maybe we can have a private word.”
Bill looked over at Mary and then back to Jamie with a big, exaggerated wink-wink. He grabbed his crotch and gave it a shake like, way to score old buddy, I read ya.
“Yeah, no problem,” Bill said and walked away.
Jamie closed the door behind him and shook his head. That guy is unbelievable! He went in the kitchen to make a coffee. Looking for a spoon in the drawer, he pulled out his crossword and gasped. Oh my God! Putting his elbows on the counter, his head sank into his hands in despair. The crossword was finished with a note for good measure: Hey, JJ, this one was too easy.
Contents
Friendship growing pains
Jamie slept in, catching up on short nights. Finally I can relax. No work and no Bill...at least until we go bowling. He was pleased he had told Bill he was working to shake h
im off. He couldn’t help thinking whether he wanted another woman in his life after his experiences with Bill. Twelve months a bachelor, he had set up his own routines. Shopping, washing, ironing and cooking, he had it all down to a fine art and now that the kids were helping, it was easy. He could come and go as he pleased and didn’t need to answer to anyone. The thought of someone coming into his life, changing his routine to the exclusion of his own whims and fancies, filled him with despair. What if I meet someone with kids? What if her kids are the children from hell? What about my children?
His thoughts began to fill with dread. Mary was right, in all her words of wisdom; he was not at that stage where he was happy. Maybe the singles’ club was the best way forward. Then he could drift from one shallow tryst to another. I could just enjoy the warmth of a woman in my arms and escape from mutual loneliness, just as Bill said. Bill was good for him; he simply presented a new paradigm, merely a problem awaiting a solution.
The telephone rang, but Jamie didn’t answer, thinking it was Bill. Settling down to watch the News, he started filling in his crossword. Soon it was lunchtime. The doorbell rang and the door opened. This time Bill didn’t even wait for an answer; he walked straight in. Jamie’s heart sank.
“Hi, JJ, I tried to phone earlier, but there was no answer. I phoned your work but they said you weren’t in. So I thought I had better stop by to make sure you’re okay and drop off some lunch,” he said holding out a giant pizza box.
Although annoyed, Jamie was starving and thought that maybe this might be a good opportunity to set some ground rules. He didn’t want to rush in, only to say something he would regret, and decided it would be better to try a tactful approach. Waiting for the right moment, he dove into the pizza. Mmmm, good!
While Jamie’s mouth was fully engaged, Bill started pestering him.
“I’ve been thinking, Jamie. I noticed on Saturday your conversations were a bit stunted with the women.”
“What do you mean, stunted?” asked Jamie almost losing a mouthful of food.
Jamie knew what he meant. He had been fine at introductions, and he had mastered the double speak, but after that, he drifted off script. He wasn’t much for small talk.
“You know. . .your normal questions. You’re missing your how, why, what, where and when’s.”
“Christ, don’t say you’re going to give me an English lesson.”
“I’m only trying to help. All your questions only invited one word responses. It’s like you’re an antique record, stuck in the groove. All I could hear were the words ‘do or have’ at the beginning of every question. I’ll give you an example: ‘Do you like it here?’ ... go on, answer me.”
“Yes.”
“There you are then. That’s what I mean. Conversation over! God knows how you made it to be a partner in an advertising agency?”
“Ouch, Bill, who’s telling it like it is now?”
“Look, I’m not trying to be critical, but think about it. If you change the question to ‘How do you like it here’? It invites more of a response. Better still; change it to, ‘How do you feel about it here’? Women are all about their feelings. Then they’re much more likely to open up, that’s all I am trying to point out. Now what is it you wanted a private word about?”
A bit dazed Jamie decided to surrender to Bill and forget about laying down the law. The man was only trying to help by giving some friendly advice.
“Oh nothing really, it was just about Sunday. I wondered if there was something I should bring?”
“No, just bring your good self and the kids and leave the rest to me. I thought maybe you were going to tell me you made out with Mary last night.”
“Mary’s just a good friend, and she’s my secretary.”
“So?”
“I have a great amount of respect for Mary. I’ll admit, there was a time when I had thoughts in that direction, many years ago, but I was too busy being married. Then there were the kids.”
“You never had an affair?” asked Bill.
“No, all I ever wanted was to have a happy family, like the proverbial hunter-gatherer. I’m not saying I’ve never looked at another woman, but only in admiration. What about you?”
“Same here. Apart from I looked more in lust than admiration. Maybe that’s where we went wrong, in our marriages I mean.”
“What? Not having an affair, or looking?”
“No stupid, spending too much time trying to build a career and neglecting the needs of our women.”
“Don’t start me on a guilt trip. I only want to look forward, not back.”
“You’re right. Pass the paper here, and I can see what’s happening in the world,” said Bill.
Jamie handed him the newspaper with the finished crossword facing up.
“Ah, I see you managed to finish it today.”
“Yes thanks. If you don’t mind, Bill, I’d appreciate it if you left me to my own crosswords. It sort of sets me up for the day.”
“No problem, you should have said so earlier,” said Bill laughing. He quickly thumbed through to the classified ads. “Look at this, what do you think?” He passed the newspaper to Jamie pointing out an ad.
“Speed dating? Is it some sort of competition, for who can get the quickest date?”
“God, Jamie, I give up. Don’t tell me you never heard of speed dating?”
“Yeah, sure I’ve heard of it. Tell me how it works.”
“I’m not too certain. Best thing is to telephone and ask.”
“Speed dating sounds a better option to me than the singles’ club,” Jamie said. “Why don’t we give it a whirl? When is it?”
“Tomorrow night. I’ll phone them now.” Bill punched in the numbers, giving nothing away, simply repeating, “Yes, yes. . .yes” as they relayed the information.
“Quick, pass me your credit card and I’ll book us in.”
With the financial niceties out of the way, Jamie was desperate to hear what he had found out.
“Go on then, tell me what they said?” Jamie asked.
“You may not by happy with the venue. It’s only the same hotel we went to on Saturday for the singles’ dance. You only get three minutes to chat, but at least you sit at separate tables so you can’t be overheard. They give everyone a form to fill out, ‘yes, friend, or a no,’ in boxes to tick. At the end of the night, they collect them and the following day they email you with the ones that match... except for the ones that say ‘No,’ that is.”
Jamie was quiet. He liked the idea of speed dating but the thought of the venue bothered him. Shrugging his shoulders, he took control and put it to the back of his mind.
“The venue’s no problem, but three minutes, that doesn’t sound like enough time.”
“It is for me. It only takes ten seconds from shaking someone by the hand and looking them up and down to know if I’m interested.”
“Yeah, and look what happened to you in Vegas.”
“Oh, funny. Look if it bothers you, we can write out some crib cards and role play.”
“That’s a good idea. Maybe I won’t come away with the impression they only know how to answer in two or three syllables, if we can work it out beforehand,” said Jamie.
“More to the point, you can hope they can come away with the impression that you’re not boring, if you get the questions right.”
“Talking about getting things right, after we have sorted out the script, we should go shopping to get you an outfit. Then at least there will be a possibility they may fancy you back,” retorted Jamie.
“Ha, touché. Okay we can drop the cogent remarks, let’s just say, we’ll help each other,” said Bill.
Reaching out they clasped hands in friendship. Then trying to high five, made a mess of it and fell about laughing.
Jamie found a pad and pens and they started to write down notes.
“I’m ready to start, Jamie; I’ll put my watch on the coffee table and set the alarm. You can start first, and I’ll be the woman.”
With role-playing at work a regular occurrence developing marketing campaigns, Jamie didn’t feel the least bit embarrassed.
“Hi, my name’s Jamie, pleased to meet you.”
“Hello, my name’s Gertrude, the pleasure’s all mine. What type of books do you like to read and do you have a favorite?” asked Bill, leaving Jamie speechless. He didn’t read many books and tried to think back to his last book.
“Bravo-Two-Zero, by some English guy, I’ve forgotten his name. That’s my favorite. It’s about his exploits in Iraq in a special services team. A solitary guy, I can identify with him from my army days. I enjoy anything to do with the army. What sort of books do you like, and do you have a favorite?”
Bill threw his notes down on the coffee table.
“Huh? That makes me sure I’ll tick the No box. A solitary guy? What’s all that about?”
“You put me off...Gertrude! What kind of name’s that? Look I don’t have time to read books.”
“Then just say that, or tell them you have varied interests and you don’t have a favorite, as long as it has a pulse.”
“What do you mean, ‘pulse’?”
“You know, something with a plot, with a beginning, middle and an end.”
“Look Bill this is getting us nowhere. I think we’ve lost the pulse, as you say. Before we start again, we need to think about what we want to know about them and try to think what they would want to learn about us.”
The alarm went on Bill’s watch and he turned it off before answering.
“That’s easy. Physical attraction is number one, taking up ten seconds, a bit like reading the opening sentences of a book. That leaves two minutes and fifty seconds to see if you find them interesting. A little like, reading the first chapter, and it applies to both sexes. After that, it’s compatibility, and you don’t find that out until you date. Then as you read the book there’s that elusive spark, without it, you’re in desperation territory.”
“Okay, I get the metaphor. Forget the role-playing. I’m sure I can handle two minutes fifty seconds, let’s go shopping. Then I need a little time on my own if you don’t mind, before we go bowling.”
Survival Instinct Page 11