“Come on, man,” I said. “I’ve been with people longer than that.”
“No, you have not.” Raymond snorted. “It’s always some bullshit where you start seeing someone, and then you think they don’t like you because you overthink everything and tell yourself it’s not gonna work or they’re into someone else, so you let them go on their way to save everyone the trouble of drama. Right?”
I didn’t answer as I strode to the building. Relief flooded me as the stuffy air of the office building surrounded me. I made eye contact with the doorman, who looked absolutely miserable. He nodded at me, and I paused with my hand still clutching the phone.
“Hey, man, you been up all night?” I asked, taking in the doorman’s sweaty shirt and dark-circled eyes. He was probably in his early fifties, built solid like my own dad, but I could tell he was in need of sleep.
“What the fuck are you—” Raymond’s voice asked in my ear.
“Not you, pendejo,” I snapped. “Pérate.” He grumbled something on the other end, but I kept waiting for the doorman to reply.
“All night,” he confirmed, wiping a hand over his face. “I’m starving, but I don’t want to leave just in case someone needs something. Or an emergency happens, I don’t know.” He waved his hand, looking harassed but determined. My heart went out to the dude. Very few people cared enough about anyone else to be the last man standing during a goddamn citywide blackout, but maybe his job was at stake if he didn’t.
Either way, I had his back.
“I’ll bring you water and some snacks,” I said. “Also, me and the guys can take turns hanging out down here so you can shower and get some sleep. QFindr has a full shower.”
The doorman—Kevin according to his name tag—looked so relieved that he sagged against his post. “Christ, I would love you if you did that, son. That would be incredible.”
“No sweat, my guy. I’ll be back in a few.”
I took off for the stairs, huffing and puffing after the third flight.
“Did you really just interrupt our conversation to be a do-gooder?” Raymond asked incredulously. “Like, I was peaceful here smoking my shit, finally tuning out David’s bitching, and you interrupted me.”
“Because I need your advice, asshole.” I swung out my hand to grab the railing, trying to move fast in the darkness but still managing to stumble every few steps, and explained everything that had happened in the past day. When I finished the story, I added, “You and David always give me the same BS, that you don’t know anything about relationships and you just sort of fell together like a miracle of God or fate or some bullshit, but you still fell together. I’ve never fallen for anyone but Aiden and Jace.” Seven flights up, and I had to stop, sucking in deep breaths as my lungs burned. God, I was out of shape. “Ray,” I said, between gasps. “Can you just stop focusing on how you feel about them and just fucking tell me what you would do if you were me?”
“That’s impossible because David would murder me if I even suggested the possibility of a threesome.”
I was going to stab him. I really was.
“Bro . . .”
Raymond groaned, and the creaking sound made its way through the phone again. I pictured him throwing himself back onto his bed or into his gaming chair, long limbs slack as he went limp with exhaustion at having to think this hard about something he disapproved of so much.
“If I was you, I’d just go up to them and I’d tell them that . . . you want to give it a shot, but not if they’re fucking other people. But you need to drive the point home about how good you all can be together, because in the end, that’s what this is all about, right? Not just you telling them what would make you happy—it’s how you all would be happier together. Big-picture shit, you know?”
“But what if they don’t want to try—”
“Dude, stop being so scared all the time. Do you know how many times I told David I wanted him, and his punk ass kept being all afraid that he was an experiment? If I’d just said, ‘Oh well, guess he doesn’t like me,’ I guarantee we wouldn’t be together now. Fight for them, man. Fight for them, but don’t compromise on something that you know you can’t handle.”
I exhaled slowly. “I wish I could handle it.”
“But you can’t,” Raymond said, his voice growing quieter as he got more serious. “I can picture your face when they tell you they’re going to fucking Freedom X or whatever that place is called, and how those big eyes of yours would get all wet and you’d take a deep breath, then try to act all tough, and it makes me want to crack skulls.”
A laugh burst out of me, and I walked slower up the remaining stairs. “You’re so overprotective. Just like Aiden. Real talk, if you’d both stop with the macho-alpha-dog bullshit, y’all would be friends.”
“My friends list is full.”
I guffawed my way to the QFindr office, picturing him scowling and moody at not being taken seriously, but I knew he was full of shit. When it came down to it, he’d dig my boys if he’d give them a chance. And he probably knew it too, which was why he was so determined to double down so as to never be proven wrong.
“If you really thought they were that bad, you wouldn’t be trying to help me figure out what to do.”
“Maybe I’m just tired of you bitching.”
“Aiight, grumpy ass. I’m gonna let you go. I have a security guard to save and two beautiful dudes to talk to. Enjoy the blackout and have a lot of sweaty sex with D.”
“If he ever stops griping long enough to get fucked,” Raymond grumbled. “But, look, on the real . . .”
I turned the door to the office, only to realize it had locked behind me. Grimacing, I rapped my knuckles on the glass loud enough to hopefully draw their attention. Jace appeared almost instantly, and the relief in his lovely face tightened my chest. He worried so much. About everything.
“I know how it feels to get in your feelings and caught up in your insecurity, and tell yourself there’s no way someone would want you when they have better options. Or a better life. Or whatever.” Raymond paused, maybe weighing his words or maybe wondering why he was saying them despite his firm belief that I needed to flap my wings in the opposite direction of the Fairbairns. “But if you never try to tell them what you need, it’s on you, bro. And if they agree to give you what you need, and are happy to do it, and you still back away . . . then you’re not giving them the chance to show you what they have to offer.”
“I’m just afraid they won’t be willing to try even if I do fight for them,” I said, dropping my voice to a whisper as Jace unlocked the door. We were face-to-face as Raymond answered.
“Man, if they love you, they’d be willing to do exactly that. And if you don’t think they would be able to stick it out, then you’ve got your answer on whether you should pursue any of this at all.”
My stomach twisted in a painful knot. It must have shown in my face because Jace’s expression went from relieved to concerned. I shook my head, trying to force a reassuring grin and failing miserably.
“Thanks, Ray,” I croaked. “A lot.”
“Be good, man. Figure that shit out once and for all.”
We hung up as I stepped into the office, but my heart was thumping in my chest at a terrifying rate at the very idea of once again asking them to change. For me. The resounding fear in my already chaotic mind was: What if they say no? or What if they say yes, then regret it?
I didn’t think I could handle being crushed by the reality that they wouldn’t consider me enough.
Kevin, the security guard, knocked the hell out as soon as he scarfed a meal of two-day-old bagels and beef jerky. He turned on his side, pillow over his head to hide from the sun streaming from the windows, and conked out. His soft snores reminded me so much of my old man that I turned my phone back on just to text my parents some emoji besos and reassure them I was safe.
“I’m gonna go downstairs and hang out at his post,” I said, stripping off my shirt that had been reduced to a sweat r
ag after my treks back and forth up the stairs. “I dunno what to do in case of emergency, but there’s a landline down there, I guess.”
“I’ll go with you,” Jace said.
“You really don’t have to. I’m pretty much just holding down the fort in case anyone has any questions or any weirdos try to get in.”
“Even so, I’ll come with you. Just in case.”
Behind him, Aiden snorted. “Baby, this isn’t Escape from L.A.”
Jace nailed his husband with a look so annoyed, I half expected Aiden to burst into flames. “Can you not fucking belittle me for at least an hour? You always do this shit when something happens.”
Aiden glared, which was when I realized they were turning into the hot, sweaty, and aggravated versions of themselves after being stuck in the building for going on a day and a half. Maybe we’d go full-on Lord of the Flies if this spanned a few more days.
“You can give me that look all you want, but even if you think I’m being irrational, you don’t need to be acting like I’m a fucking idiot.”
“Okay, whatever, sure.” Aiden ran a hand through his hair, glanced at me, then away. “How about we all go downstairs? I want to see if I can track down some more candles and batteries.”
I snorted. “Fat chance on that one. All the stores were closed.”
“That’s why you don’t try searching for stores,” Aiden said with a wink. “You find the people with the smart hustle, selling batteries and candles on the corner.”
Of course he’d be the one to think of that. Of course.
Grinning and shaking my head, I looped my arm through Jace’s because he was still staring at Aiden like he wanted to throat punch him, and walked with them to the door. I’d been all worried about silent treatment and awkwardness following our tense conversation, but we’d eased right back into our usual back-and-forth with no need for a stumbling transition.
The thought caused me to pull Jace tighter against me. I dropped a kiss on his forehead, and we headed down into the darkened staircase. If Jace was annoyed by my hot-and-cold shit, he didn’t let on. He pressed against my side as we synchronized our steps like a couple of dorks, and he appeared more amused than annoyed by the time we burst into the brightened lobby.
“All right, you two stay put.” Aiden pointed at us sternly. “I’m gonna try to charge my phone since it’s on its last leg.”
“Is it creepy if I say ‘Yes, Daddy’?” I wondered out loud, smirking.
He shuddered comically, looking ridiculous with his brawny shoulders straining a too-small shirt he’d probably snagged from Oli’s office. The sight of his biceps wanting to bust out of the material had my mouth watering.
“Yes,” he confirmed. “Creepy as fuck.”
Jace rolled his eyes at him. “Don’t take a long time, Mr. Judgmental.”
“I won’t.” Aiden paused in the doorway. “Use Kevin’s keys to lock these doors so no one can get in from the outside. Anyone who got stuck here last night should have an ID. No one else gets to come in.”
“What if they’re hungry or thirsty?” I asked.
Jace smiled, but Aiden seemed exasperated. “Case-by-case basis, hero.”
I flashed a thumbs-up and locked him out. After, I sat on Kevin’s chair behind his desk and slumped against it, instantly going into a level of Clerks bored as Jace hopped up on the desk beside me. He brought his legs up to fold in front of him and studied me.
“I thought you were going to take off,” he noted. “Maybe to Michael and Nunzio’s.”
“I would have told you first. Or at least called.”
“I know, but I was still waiting for that call.” Jace’s expression was a mix between serious and appreciative, his full lips twisted to the side even as he gazed at me and reached out to stroke my hand. “Thanks for not making fun of me about my irrational paranoia.”
“I don’t think Aiden is trying to make fun of you,” I said quickly. “He just doesn’t always think before he speaks. And you two have been together so long, he probably thinks you’ll know what he means and won’t get upset by it.” Jace was gazing at me with his eyes half-closed as he gazed at me from under his long lashes. Grinning nervously, I added, “At least, that’s what happens with me and my friends. We talk shit to each other so much, assuming it’s all jokes and everyone is in on it, until someone gets mad for real. But since we have so much love for each other, there’s usually no hard feelings after a few rants in Spanish.”
Jace’s mouth twitched. “Is that what happens with Stephanie and Angel? She’s mad at him a lot.”
“Ahh . . . yeah. He gets under her skin, like, on purpose. Kinda like teasing the girl you like but won’t actually tell her you like her.”
“I’d smack the shit out of him.”
I busted out laughing and slapped my hand against the desk. “Yeah, well, in his defense, he’s been in love with her since high school but she’s always been a solo flyer. Hashtag exploring her sexuality. A lot like you and Aiden, actually. Angel thinks he can’t change that about her, and he can’t do the causal thing she usually does, so he settles for teasing her and being emo.”
Jace turned to face me completely, sliding his legs down to dangle off the desk on either side of me. Leaning forward, he gave me an intense once-over. “And how does he know she won’t change for him?”
“Because . . . she’s Stephanie. She’s happy the way she is. Why should he ask her to change her life because he caught feelings all late in the game—” I caught myself as he leaned closer, his eyes narrowing further with each of my words. Oh fuck. “Uh,” I stammered. “I mean, he doesn’t think it’s his place to ask someone as independent as Stephanie to change her lifestyle just for him. It’d be kinda . . . arrogant.”
Jace’s lip curled. “Or kinda . . . cowardly to bow out before really asking her if she’d do it. And to leave her hanging thinking she’s being rejected because he can’t handle her ‘lifestyle.’”
Defensiveness reared up in me like a surge of fire, and I sat up in the chair. “‘Cowardly’? For real? Look—if Stephanie was into monogamy, or whatever, she could have come right out and told my dude the first time the conversation came up. But she didn’t. She let him hang in the wind—”
“He let her hang in the wind by opening and closing the topic before she had the time to think about it and say what she felt one way or the other,” Jace retorted, voice rising. “Almost as if he thought she was too complicated to bother putting the effort in to see if they could make it work. Which is, again, pretty fucking cowardly and shitty.”
We weren’t talking about Stephanie and Angel anymore. I knew it. He knew it. And my defensiveness was all about me, and the way my heart pounded and my anger nearly consumed me at the reality that he thought my fears were borne of cowardice instead of self-preservation.
“I told both of you how I felt.” I stood up, planting my hands on either side of him, and leaned in so close our faces were nearly brushing. “I made myself clear. I’m just scared.”
“I know you’re scared, but give us a chance—”
“To do what? I told you I’d be with you if you weren’t open, but I got the impression that wasn’t a possibility.”
Jace frowned. “I needed to think. Would you really feel good about an answer if we made it in two seconds?”
“Honestly?” I inhaled, gathering my courage, and forged on. “I did think that you should have been able to make a snap decision. That you should be able to see how good we are together. That we fit and we work, and it’s perfect. But then I thought that since you walked away, and Aiden hesitated, it meant I would never be enough. And then I asked myself whether I’d even want you to change your mind if it meant you’d potentially regret it and resent me later.”
“Regret it?” Jace grabbed my bare shoulders and jerked me forward, his hands strong and gripping tight enough to pinch my skin. “Look—” He took a deep breath, closing his eyes briefly as if to gather himself. “Look—I told you
we’ve been doing this since we were teenagers, but in all that time we never once met anyone who caused us to feel anything similar to what we feel for each other. We usually don’t even have repeat lovers.” Jace searched my face, maybe for a sign that I understood or believed him. “You’re different. You’ve been different from the start. And maybe we weren’t clear enough, maybe we didn’t say it fast enough, but that’s because we were also unsure of how you felt about us. And . . . it took a while for us to admit to each other that we’re both in love with you.” He started speaking faster as he picked up steam, his face flushed and eyes intense on me. “But now, we know what we want. And if you think we’d resent changing anything for you, you’re also dumb as fuck.”
I opened my mouth to speak, but no sound came out besides a ragged breath. The hope consuming me made everything feel tight, the air around me shifting slowly and reminding me that it was too fucking hot. With Jace staring at me like he could see through me, see into my head, and analyze all the parts of me that were so scared to try to be the one to change their dynamic, I slowly became overwhelmed. With the possibilities, the realities, and all the ways this could go wrong.
“You’re killing me, Jace,” I said, my voice huskier than it had been a moment ago. “Every time you make me feel like I stand a chance, I tear myself apart bouncing between wanting to believe it . . . and wanting to run away.”
“Don’t run from me,” he whispered, pressing our foreheads together.
My heart did a flip. “Does all this mean you’ll try being with just me and Aiden? I know it’s a lot, I know I’m making assumptions about how it will be, but I swear to fucking God, I think it will be perfect.”
Jace released a stuttering little laugh that sounded half-scared and half-excited. “I do too. It’s just that we’ve always been this way. And I start thinking . . . what happens if there’s no adventures and distractions, and you guys realize I’m too . . . something to deal with on a regular basis?” He licked his lips and looked down, breath coming faster. “What if it falls apart? Or what if you and Aiden are better together without me? I told you we loved each other enough to know something was always missing, but maybe . . . maybe . . . I don’t know. I’m just terrified of things going wrong if I reach too far for what I want. Like I should be happy that I even made it this far and got this much after where I came from.”
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