Miss Child Has Gone Wild!

by Dan Gutman

  “Ooh, that’s too bad that your dog poops on the floor,” said Miss Child. “What does your mother do?”

  “She poops in the bathroom,” I said. “Duh!”

  Everybody laughed even though I didn’t say anything funny.

  Next it was Andrea’s turn.

  “After school I earn money by dog sitting,” she said.

  “You sit on dogs?” I asked. “That’s weird! Why would anyone want to sit on a dog?”

  “I don’t sit on dogs, Arlo!” Andrea told me. “I take care of dogs when their owners aren’t home. It’s like babysitting.”

  “You sit on babies too?” I said. “Isn’t that against the law?”

  Andrea got all mad. I knew that she didn’t sit on dogs or babies. But it’s fun to yank her chain.

  Chapter 5

  Binky the Elephant

  Finally it was time for us to explore the zoo.

  “We don’t want anyone to get lost,” said Miss Child. “So everyone hold hands with your zoo buddy.”

  Andrea looked at me and held out her hand.

  “Hold my hand, Arlo,” she said, smiling.

  “No way,” I said. “I’m not holding your hand.”

  “You have to. Miss Child said so.”

  I looked at Miss Child. She gave me one of those grown-up looks. I held Andrea’s hand.

  Ugh, disgusting!

  Alexia had to hold hands with crybaby Emily. She didn’t look too happy about it. Michael had to hold hands with Ryan. They didn’t like it either. Nobody likes holding hands. That’s the first rule of being a kid.

  “Would you like to go visit Elephant Alley?” asked Miss Child.

  “Yeah!” everybody said. Even Mr. Granite and Ms. Hannah were excited to see the elephants.

  “I love elephants!” said Andrea.

  “Then why don’t you marry one?” I told her.

  We all followed Miss Child to Elephant Alley. Two elephants were lumbering around. They were cool. Everybody was oohing and ahhing. There was a big ditch that separated the people from the elephants so they couldn’t charge us and step on our heads and trample us to death.

  “This is Winky and Binky,” said Miss Child. “They come from Thailand. Some elephants are thirteen feet tall and weigh over fifteen thousand pounds.”

  “See, I told you,” Andrea whispered in my ear.

  Miss Child climbed over the ditch and jumped right into Elephant Alley.

  “Isn’t that dangerous to be so close to the elephants?” asked Mr. Granite.

  “Not at all,” Miss Child replied. “The animals are our friends. We should love all living creatures. Blah blah blah blah blah.”

  She went over to a shed and took out a big easel and some buckets and paintbrushes. She dipped a brush into one of the buckets and put it in Binky’s trunk.

  “What’s he doing?” asked Emily.

  “Binky likes to paint,” Miss Child said. “It relaxes him.”

  “That’s ridiculous,” said Ms. Hannah. “Elephants can’t paint.”

  Ms. Hannah knows a lot about art, so I figured she was right. But then the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened. Binky took the paintbrush, pressed it against the paper on the easel, and drew a thick blue line all by himself.

  “WOW,” we all said, which is MOM upside down. None of us thought an elephant would be able to do that.

  Binky carefully painted another line that crossed over the first line. Everybody was oohing and ahhing.

  “Maybe elephants can paint,” said Ms. Hannah. “How does he do that?”

  “Elephants have more than 40,000 muscles in their trunk,” said Miss Child as she dipped Binky’s brush into the bucket of paint for him.

  Binky painted more lines on the easel. Some of them were straight, and some of them were curvy. It looked like he was actually trying to draw a picture of something.

  “What’s he painting?” asked Andrea.

  “It looks like a picture of an elephant!” shouted Michael.

  “It’s a self-portrait!” said Ms. Hannah. “He’s painting himself! It’s beautiful!”

  She was right! With a few more lines, Binky the elephant had painted a picture of an elephant. It was the most amazing thing in the history of the world! We all clapped when he dropped the brush on the ground and lumbered away from the easel.3

  “What does the zoo do with those paintings?” asked Ms. Hannah.

  “Oh, we just throw them away,” said Miss Child.

  “May I keep that one as a souvenir?” Ms. Hannah asked.

  “Certainly,” Miss Child said. She took the paper off the easel and climbed over the ditch so she could hand it to Ms. Hannah.

  “This painting is priceless!” Ms. Hannah whispered to us excitedly.

  “You mean it isn’t worth anything?” I asked.

  “Just the opposite, A.J.,” Ms. Hannah told me. “I think Binky could be the next Picasso! This is a rare masterpiece! It could be worth millions of dollars!”

  “Really?” we all said.

  “I bet I could sell this to an art dealer,” Ms. Hannah said, “and if I donated the money to the school, I could save the art program!”

  Wow, Ms. Hannah should get the No bell prize for that one. That’s a prize they give out to people who don’t have bells.

  Chapter 6

  Lulu the Gorilla

  “Let’s go meet the gorillas!” Miss Child said excitedly.

  She led us over a little wooden bridge to an area called Gorilla Gardens. There was a concrete wall like the inside of a swimming pool that curved down to where a gorilla was sitting. It was swatting flies and making grunting noises. It looked scary.

  Miss Child slid down the concrete wall on her bottom.

  “Isn’t it dangerous to be so close to a gorilla?” Emily asked.

  “Of course not,” said Miss Child. “Gorillas are almost like humans. They share nearly ninety-eight percent of our DNA. Gorillas are our friends. Blah blah blah blah blah. This is my friend Lulu.”

  Miss Child put her hands in front of Lulu’s face and moved her fingers around.

  “What are you doing?” asked Mr. Granite.

  “I’m talking with Lulu,” said Miss Child.

  “Lulu understands sign language?” I said. “That is cool!”

  “Miss Child is sort of like Dr. Doolittle,” said Michael. “She can talk with the animals just like him.”

  “Lulu is very smart,” Miss Child told us. “She understands more than a thousand words.”

  “That’s more than some kids I know,” said Andrea.

  “Oh, snap!” said Ryan.

  Lulu made some signs with her hands.

  “What did she say?” asked Alexia.

  “Lulu says she wants to tell you kids a joke,” translated Miss Child.

  “I like jokes,” said Alexia.

  Lulu made some more signs with her hands.

  “What did she say?” asked Neil the nude kid.

  “Lulu asked, ‘Why did the raisin go out with the prune?’” said Miss Child.

  “Why?” we all asked.

  Lulu made some signs.

  “Because he couldn’t find a date,” translated Miss Child.

  We all groaned.

  “I don’t get it,” said Emily.

  “That’s a dumb joke,” I said.

  Lulu made some more signs with her hands.

  “Lulu wants to tell you another joke,” translated Miss Child.

  Lulu made some signs.

  “What did she say?” asked Michael.

  “Lulu asked, ‘What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?’” translated Miss Child.

  “What?” we all asked.

  Lulu made some signs.

  “You can roast beef,” Miss Child translated, “but you can’t pea soup.”

  We all groaned.

  “I don’t get it,” said Emily.

  “Lulu’s jokes are lame,” I said.

  Lulu stood up and start
ed to grunt loudly and stamp her feet.

  “Why is she doing that?” asked Andrea.

  “Lulu is mad because you kids didn’t laugh at her jokes,” Miss Child told us.

  “That’s because her jokes are terrible,” said Ryan.

  “You should have laughed at them anyway,” Miss Child told us. “You hurt Lulu’s feelings.”

  “Gorillas have feelings?” asked Neil the nude kid.

  “Of course they do,” said Miss Child. “All living creatures have feelings, and blah blah blah blah blah . . . “

  Lulu started making signs really fast to Miss Child.

  “What did she say?” asked Neil the nude kid.

  “Lulu says children are stupid,” translated Miss Child.

  “Oh, snap!” said Ryan.

  “Stupid is not a nice word,” said Andrea. “We’re not supposed to say stupid.”

  “If you ask me,” I said, “Lulu shouldn’t blame us just because her jokes are lame.”

  “Yeah,” said Michael, “she should learn some funnier jokes.”

  “I think Lulu is just in a bad mood today,” said Miss Child.

  Lulu started making more signs with her fingers. Mr. Granite and Ms. Hannah tried to put their hands over our eyes so we couldn’t see.

  “Don’t look, kids!” said Mr. Granite.

  “What is Lulu saying?” I asked as I tried to pull Mr. Granite’s hands off my eyes.

  “I can’t tell you,” Miss Child said. “It’s inappropriate for children.”

  I think I saw Lulu make a sign that my dad once made to some guy in a car who cut in front of him on the highway.

  “Lulu is using bad words!” said Andrea.

  “I think Lulu is cursing in sign language,” said Alexia.

  “That’s not very nice,” said Emily.

  “Lulu should watch her language,” said Andrea.

  We wanted to stick around and find out what Lulu was saying, but Mr. Granite and Ms. Hannah told us we had to get out of there and go see some of the other animals.

  Gorillas are weird.

  Chapter 7

  The Truth About Miss Child

  We walked all over the zoo and saw a bunch of other animals—birds, snakes, walruses, alligators, monkeys. Animals are cool.

  “Did you know that there are more than a million species of animals on Earth?” said my zoo buddy Andrea.

  She is so annoying. Little Miss Know-It-All had to read every sign about every animal so she can go home and show her parents how smart she is.

  Soon it was time for lunch. We walked back to the room where we left our backpacks. Everybody took out a lunch box, except for one person.

  Me.

  “Where’s my lunch?” I said to Ms. Hannah.

  “Your lunch is wherever you left it, A.J.,” she told me.

  I hate when grown-ups say that.

  “Arlo must have left his lunch back at school,” said Andrea. “I guess he wasn’t paying attention when Mr. Granite told us to be sure to take our lunch with us.”

  “I wasn’t paying attention to your face,” I told Andrea.

  All the kids sat at a long picnic table to eat their lunch. Mr. Granite and Ms. Hannah sat at another table for grown-ups. Miss Child said she would get me a sandwich from the zoo cafeteria. She said I could have a turkey or tuna sandwich.

  “Do you have turkeys or tuna in the zoo?” I asked. It would be weird to eat a sandwich made from an animal they have running around the zoo.

  “We have turkeys in the zoo,” Miss Child said.

  “Then I’ll have a tuna sandwich,” I told her.

  Miss Child ran out and came back with a tuna sandwich and a carton of milk for me.

  “I’ll be back in a few minutes,” she told us. “I promised the baboons that I would eat lunch with them today.”

  “Miss Child is weird,” Alexia said when she left.

  “Yeah, I think she loves animals a little too much,” said Michael.

  “Maybe she’s not a zookeeper at all,” I said. “Did you ever think of that?”

  “What do you mean?” asked Emily.

  “Well,” I said, “maybe Miss Child kidnapped the real zookeeper and is just pretending to be a zookeeper because she’s obsessed with animals.”

  “Stop trying to scare Emily,” said Andrea.

  “I’m scared!” said Emily.

  “Maybe Miss Child locked the real zookeeper in a cage filled with poisonous rattlesnakes,” said Alexia. “Stuff like that happens all the time, you know.”

  “We’ve got to do something!” shouted Emily, and then she ran out of the room.

  Sheesh! Get a grip! That girl will fall for anything. After Emily ran away, Alexia gave me a high-five, and Andrea gave me a mean face.

  Chapter 8

  Penguin Paradise

  Mr. Granite and Ms. Hannah went to find Emily. Miss Child came back from her lunch with the baboons. She said that after we finished eating, it was “Free Zoo Time.” We could go wherever we wanted in the zoo as long as we held hands with our zoo buddy. Miss Child said she would be Alexia’s zoo buddy until Emily got back.

  “I want to look at the reptiles!” said Neil the nude kid.

  “I want to look at the birds!” said Michael.4

  “I want to look at the tigers!” said Ryan.

  All the kids ran out of the room to go look at animals.

  “What do you want to look at, Arlo?” Andrea asked me.

  There was only one animal I wanted to look at. My favorite animal in the whole world.

  Penguins.

  Andrea and I had to walk about a million hundred miles to Penguin Paradise. She was holding my hand the whole time.Ugh, disgusting!

  “Arlo, if we were married,” Andrea said as we walked along the path, “we would hold hands like this all the time. Holding hands is so romantic.”

  I thought I was gonna throw up.

  “Can I ask you a question, Arlo?” Andrea said.

  “You just did,” I told her.

  “Do you like that new girl Alexia better than me?” Andrea asked.

  “No!” I said. “I mean, yes! I mean . . .”

  The truth was that I didn’t like Alexia better than Andrea. And I didn’t like Andrea better than Alexia. I didn’t like either of them. I didn’t like any girls. Girls are yucky. Except for my mom. She’s not yucky. But I’ll bet she was yucky when she was a girl. Because all girls are yucky.

  Finally we got to Penguin Paradise. There were penguins everywhere. Hundreds of them. They were waddling around, jumping in the water and swimming. It was cool.

  I pressed my nose against the glass. Ever since I was a baby, I loved penguins. I had a stuffed penguin in my crib. On Halloween one year, I dressed up like a penguin. I saw that movie March of the Penguins about ten times. I love penguins!

  Looking at all those penguins walking around, it was like I was hypnotized. It almost seemed like they were talking to me.

  “Come with us, A.J.!” one of the penguins seemed to whisper in my ear. “We’ll go to Antarctica!”

  “Kids don’t have to go to school in Antarctica,” whispered a second penguin.

  “No teachers,” whispered another penguin.

  “No parents,” whispered another.

  “Best of all, no Andrea,” whispered another penguin.

  “Come with us and live in peace,” another penguin whispered to me. “We’ll slide around on the ice all day. It will be penguin paradise.”

  “I’m coming,” I told the penguins. “I want to be with you . . .”

  Suddenly I felt something grabbing the back of my shirt. It was Andrea’s hand.

  “Arlo, are you okay?” she asked. “You started climbing into the penguin pool! It looked like you were in a daze. Who were you talking to?”

  “Uh, nobody,” I said.

  That was weird!

  Suddenly Miss Child and Alexia came running over. They looked all upset.

  “What’s wrong?” Andrea asked.
>
  “Emily is still missing!” Miss Child said. “We can’t find her anywhere!”

  Chapter 9

  In Search of Emily

  We looked all over the zoo for Emily. We looked in Turtle Town, Alligator Avenue, Lizard Lane, Rhino Road, Bat Boulevard, Zebra Zone, Snake Street, and Hedgehog Highway. We searched the bathrooms, the snack bars, and the gift shop. No Emily.

  “Emily!” we shouted. “Where are you?”

  Miss Child, Mr. Granite, and Ms. Hannah looked really upset. If Emily was gone forever, the grown-ups would be in big trouble. There were security guards with walkie-talkies hunting for Emily.

  An announcement came over the zoo loudspeaker.

  “If your name is Emily and you are lost, please report to the zoo office.”

  It was almost time to get back on the bus to go home. Emily was nowhere to be found. We had run out of places to look for her. The whole class gathered near the snack bar.

  “What are we going to do?” asked Andrea. She looked like she might cry. “Emily is my best friend.”

  “Maybe she was eaten by a killer whale,” I suggested.

  “We don’t have killer whales at the zoo,” said Miss Child.

  “Maybe she was eaten by a mongoose,” said Michael.

  “A mongoose isn’t big enough to swallow a whole person,” said Mr. Granite.

  “What if the mongoose cut Emily up into little pieces first?” asked Ryan.

  “Mongooses don’t have knives!” said Ms. Hannah.5

  “Maybe she was eaten by an elephant,” said Neil the nude kid.

  “Can we please stop that kind of talk?” said Miss Child. “The animals at the zoo are kind and gentle. None of them would ever eat a child and blah blah blah blah blah.”

  “Besides,” said Andrea, “elephants are plant eaters. They eat grasses, leaves, fruit, and bark.”

  “Why would anyone want to eat a plant?” I said. “You should water plants, not eat them.”

  “Quiet, Arlo!” said Andrea. “This is serious! We have to find Emily.”

  “Eating plants is weird,” I added.