“Sam? When? Before or after chemo? Before or after he was fighting for his goddamn life? Jesus, Rowan.” I shook my head, disappointed. He’d never change. He’d come to apologize, but he didn’t mean it. He just wanted to do the socially acceptable thing. “Besides, if Sam had reached out to you and told you and you’d said no? That would have killed me. I couldn’t deal with more heartache. First you, then my pregnancy, then Sam’s health. It was too much.”
Rowan pushed his chair back and stood, walked around the table and crouched beside me. I tried to avert my eyes to the floor, to the black sneakers he wore, but he brought his hand up and brushed my hair behind my ear and I found myself glancing up to meet his gaze.
“I would never send you those pictures,” he said.
“Which means she did. And you expect me to be okay with that kind of person around my son?”
“I don’t.” He lowered his hand and placed it over mine on my lap. “I don’t want her around him either. You have to trust me on that. I’m sorry about everything I said the other day. I was taken by surprise and I just didn’t know how to handle it all. I changed my phone number and email for my sake, because the thought of reaching out to you haunted me every morning and every night.”
He reached up and cupped my face, wiping the tear that trickled down my cheek with his thumb. “You’ve always had me, Sprite,” he whispered. “Even from across the pond, despite all the lies and deception, you’ll always have me.”
“How can you possibly say that?”
“Because it’s the truth.” He smiled sadly, tilting his head. “And I didn’t recognize the dress from your sketch. I’m sorry that you had to deal with any of that, but I would never do that. How could you think I would?”
“I thought maybe you wanted me to see them before they were published in a newspaper or magazine. I don’t know.”
“Those pictures were taken for my grandparents to make things look official. They were never meant to be published anywhere.” He threaded his fingers through mine. “And I sure as fuck wouldn’t have let her wear a dress I thought you designed.”
“You really had no clue?” I searched his eyes. How could he not know?
“I wasn’t in the best state of mind those days. I’d just let you go. How could I be?”
“I don’t want her near my son,” I repeated.
“I don’t either, but I want to know him. I don’t have a fucking clue what I’m doing, but I want to try.”
“It isn’t a game,” I said. “I’m only here right now because my mom, grandmother, Celia, and Freddie are with Miles, and they’re the only people I trust with anything in the world. Parenthood is twenty-four seven. Always on call even when you don’t want to show up to work. There are no sick days or one more minute in bed to get some rest.”
“Please let me be in your lives,” he said. “I’ll follow your lead and respect your boundaries.”
“Okay.”
He smiled. I smiled despite the uncertainty.
The alarm on my phone rang, indicating that it was time for my Skype call. I said as much to Rowan, who stood, taking my hand and pulling me with him. When I was on my feet, he lifted my knuckles to his lips and brushed a soft kiss against each peak. The feel of his soft bottom lip against my knuckles made my nerve endings go haywire. My phone vibrated.
“I really have to work.” I managed to say the words above the swooshing in my ears.
“Can I watch?”
“You need to promise you’ll behave.”
He nipped the tips of my fingers one by one, keeping his gaze locked on mine. “I always behave.”
Chapter Nineteen
Rowan
If I’d known Camryn did that with the sketch I kept inside my wallet I would have . . . I didn’t know what I would have done. I’d already married her when those pictures were taken. I couldn’t have divorced her because of an email. Even if I had known about Miles back then, I couldn’t say with certainty I would have divorced her.
I had needed time. I had needed the moment I saw Tessa, pregnant with what I thought was another man’s baby, to set in motion what became years of sorrow and loneliness. Years in which I kicked myself continuously for not at least verbally acknowledging the feelings I had for her. I needed that pain to give me the perspective to really understand that there hadn’t been another way. Sitting here, I knew that the man I was four years ago had done the right thing, because without my doing that, I wouldn’t know what I know today. I wouldn’t have grown or changed or altered my direction.
I cleared the table while she sat in the living room Skyping with the guys she worked with. I did the dishes and drank my wine in the kitchen. When I went by Tessa’s apartment and Joan told me she was here, she gave me permission to take the guest room and make myself at home. Freddie mentioned a movie theatre room in the basement. I didn’t want to move too far away from Tessa, still feeling like we still had a lot of ground to cover, but I didn’t want to distract her either. As if sensing this, she glanced over her shoulder, her hair coming undone from the messy ponytail she had it in. She looked so sexy like that, face slightly flushed from the wine, wild hair, sweats and an old T-shirt. On particularly lonely nights, I envisioned her walking into my living room looking like that and plopping down onto the couch beside me, picking up where we left off like I hadn’t broken her heart and sent her away. Maybe we’d do more than just talk, but ultimately, it was the idea of having her near that made the dream so spectacular. She hit a key on the computer.
“You can check the place out if you want while I finish this,” she said. “There’s a guest room over there.” She pointed. “You can check out the basement. Your call.”
“I’m fine.”
She looked at her computer again, clicked a key, and spoke. After another minute, she glanced over at me again. “Is this the only leather you have?”
I pushed off the counter and walked over to her as she muted her side of the conversation. “Am I allowed near the sketches?”
“I guess you’ll have to see them at some point.”
I bit back a smile.
“Stop smiling.” She scowled.
I lost the battle and laughed. “Sorry.”
“Do you have any more leathers or not?”
“What color?”
“Blue. Preferably royal.”
I reached for the book and looked at the spine. “I have another volume of blues. Do you want something attention-grabbing or tame? Is this for the hotel? Did you settle on a theme?”
“The leather is for a car project, but I just settled on a theme for the hotel as well. I’m waiting for Seth and Tommy to catch up.”
I glanced at the screen to find both the guys staring at her expectantly and nodded toward it. She turned back, unmuting herself. “I’m so sorry guys,” she said. “Anything?”
“I’m sending my file for the car over in the comments,” Tommy said. Tessa clicked and grinned.
“Oh, I like the second one a lot.”
I moved and sat on the other side of the couch so I had a better view but was still off camera. Tommy made a face.
“Who are you with?”
“None of your business,” she snapped. “Focus.”
“Okay. What do you like about the second one?”
“It actually looks like a rocket. Do we know for sure they’re letting us choose the exterior color of the car too?”
“Positive,” Seth said. “We can even take out parts if we want.”
“They’re crazy,” Tessa said, clicking on something else on the computer. “I’m sending over my sketch of the seats. Bear in mind that it’s super-duper rough, but I think it would look cool on bucket seats like these.”
I watched her drag a file and drop it in the same little window. I couldn’t make it out, but both guys made impressed faces and sounds.
“Damn, this is rough?” Seth chuckled.
The other guy grinned. “Fuck. I’d hate to upload one of my rough fi
les. After seeing the Spring Collection dresses and now this?”
The three of them laughed and even though I couldn’t see the file, I felt myself smile.
“Guys, this is serious. I’m freaking the fuck out. We have two presentations in a week. Let’s move on to the hotel.”
“Are we going with the Moroccan theme?” one of them asked.
“I don’t know. I think that theme would be great in the lounge area,” Tessa said. “The more I think about the furniture and ambiance, the more I think we should stick to sleek in the lobby. Something New York themed since the other cities have city themes. Whites and grays. Maybe incorporate something about Lady Liberty? We need to think about things that make people think New York.”
“That’ll be easy,” one of the guys said. “You want to draw it or you want me to?”
Seth cleared his throat. “We’ll do it. You look like you need a break.”
“Is that your way of saying I look like shit?” she asked, scrubbing her face with her hands.
“No.”
“You do look tired,” the other guy offered.
She didn’t just look tired. She looked worn out, which only got worse the longer the call ran. Eventually, despite their combined insanity, they reached an agreement on the theme and what each aspect of the design would entail. Personally, I thought they were way in over their heads, but if they could pull both projects off and they were using our fabrics, I’d be thrilled. When her meeting ended, she sighed and leaned back. I wanted to sit behind her, spread my legs so she was between them, and reach down to massage the knots out of her back. Something told me she would probably punch me if I tried.
“Can I see what you showed them?”
She lifted her gaze briefly and clicked on her computer. I moved to sit beside her on the floor, my left arm touching her right. Even that made my pulse spike. She opened a sketch of a car seat, which was already shaded in with the blue she was looking for. It was rich and colorful and made me think of the women in Colombia with their amazing fabrics and leathers and their refusal to cooperate with a man-owned company. I’d decided long ago that I wouldn’t involve Camryn in any of that, but Tessa? I’d trust her with anything.
“I know where we can get your fabric.”
“You don’t have it?”
“Not the perfect one for this.” Not in leather and definitely not in that rich royal blue.
“If it’s that perfect, I’m surprised you haven’t bought the entire company yet.”
I felt my lips tug. “Not for lack of trying. It’s owned by a Colombian woman who refuses to sell to a man.”
This made her laugh. “You’re kidding.”
“Not kidding. Trust me, I’ve tried many times.”
“Why not send a female employee?”
“I don’t have one that fits the bill.”
“Well, I can’t go to Colombia,” she said. “I have to finish this presentation by next week.”
“She’s in Miami right now,” I said. “And I can set up a meeting, if she can’t come up here, we can take one day, two tops. I can get you the swatches. You don’t have to have the fabric for the presentation, you just need it in time for the actual manufacturing.”
“Do you think she will go for that?”
“It can’t hurt to reach out.” With that, she nodded in agreement. We looked at each other for a long moment. The air seemed to shift between us. I put my hand over hers between us on the floor. “There’s something else I want to talk to you about.”
She licked her lips. It was that simple action that made me realize how much I longed for her. She made me long for things that hadn’t even crossed my mind since she left, like leaning in and brushing my lips against hers. Would she let me or turn me away? Could we kiss and talk later? Could I stop at just one kiss? Doubtful. I’d waited too long to have her. I’d dreamed too often of her skin, her lips, her touch.
“We can’t,” she whispered, reading my thoughts.
“I’m desperate for you.”
“You’re married.”
“Only on paper.”
“You keep saying that.”
“Because it’s the truth and you know it.”
“It doesn’t make it mean any less.”
I nodded my understanding. When it was the other way around and I thought she was with Cody Maverick, I hadn’t wanted to be the Mariah in the situation either.
I changed directions.
“I went to see my dad yesterday.”
“Oh?”
“It had been at least a year since I last saw him.”
“How’d it go?”
“It went well. Strange, but well. We had a good talk.”
“I’m glad.” She gave me a small smile, her eyes closing. She looked so exhausted so I gambled and put an arm around her, pulling her against my side and fully expecting her to fight me. Instead, she laid her head on my chest and exhaled. My heart felt like it would pound straight out of my chest. “This doesn’t mean anything.”
To me, it meant everything. I held her in place when she tried to shimmy away. “Just, please, Tessa. Just this.”
She stopped moving and yawned. “You can’t just barge into our lives like a hurricane. I don’t have a personal FEMA to take care of me and Miles when you decide you’ve had enough of us.”
“You think I could ever get enough of you?”
I felt her stiffen. I wasn’t going to take the words back. I knew what she was thinking. I could practically feel her thoughts punching me. I deserved it. I’d own up to it, but in the end, it wouldn’t matter, because I was still going to get her.
“Do you really think I’d be that horrible of a father?” I heard myself whisper after a long, silent moment.
“I think you’d be an amazing father.”
“I would never take him away from you, Tessa. I need you to believe that.” I stroked her hair. “Everything I said the other day . . . I was angry, and while I think it’ll take me a little while to fully get over my anger, that little boy . . .” I exhaled, shaking my head as I smiled against her head. “Being around him makes me upset that I’ve missed so many things.”
“I recorded them,” she whispered. I pulled back, cupping her face and tilting it so she’d look at me. “Every holiday, every birthday, every milestone. I know it isn’t the same and it doesn’t change the fact that I kept him from you, but I thought that someday you may want to see those things.” When she blinked, tears rolled down her face. “I’m sorry that I’m so selfish, but he’s my best friend. He’s everything. I don’t know what I’d do if I had to let go of him for weekends at a time.”
I pulled her over to kiss the top of her head. “We’ll figure it out.”
I didn’t bother mentioning that I wasn’t planning to take him away for weekends at a time because I was going to do everything in my power to marry this girl. I’d have to work twice as hard to get out of the situation I was in, but I’d do it.
Chapter Twenty
Tessa
We fell asleep on the floor, sitting upright. It wasn’t until Rowan shifted beside me and lifted me into his arms that I realized it, and by then it was too late, he was already walking toward the rooms. I lifted an arm and pointed at the guest room I’d been using, and he headed that way. As he walked, I let myself revel in the way I felt in his strong arms. I closed my eyes and let myself dream of things I hadn’t even contemplated before tonight. Him being around for Miles meant nothing in terms of our relationship. It didn’t matter how tempting he was, we had a lot of work to do before I could let him back into my life in that way, assuming he wanted that. It wasn’t as if he’d outright said that to me, but the way he looked at me said enough.
He set me on the bed and when I settled onto my side, he crawled in next to me.
“You’re sleeping here?”
“Is that a problem?”
“Um . . .” My heart rattled. It was a problem because I actually wanted him to sleep here. “Don’t y
ou have an apartment nearby?”
“It’s missing a lot of things.”
I couldn’t see him in the dark, but I turned toward him anyway. “Like furniture?”
“Like you.”
“Rowan,” I warned. I didn’t like the way my pulse quickened.
“Tessa,” he mimicked.
“You know, there are two other rooms available.”
“You aren’t in either of those rooms,” he said, pausing. “Do you really want me to leave?”
No. That was the real answer. I didn’t want him to leave and that was a problem. “I agreed to you seeing Miles. I’m not agreeing to you seeing me. It wouldn’t work.”
“That’s where you’re wrong.”
“Do I need to keep reminding you that you’re married to another woman?”
“No,” he said softly. “Do I need to keep reminding you that the marriage is a façade? That the only woman I care about is lying next to me right now.”
“Stop saying things like that,” I whispered.
“I’ve been bottling things like that up for years.”
“And you suddenly decided that you can open up and tell me them? Did you figure out that you bleed like the rest of us?”
“Yes.”
I blinked. What was happening? “Even after these projects are done with, we’ll have to see each other and work together for Miles. Parenthood doesn’t stop at end of business.”
“You already said that and I’m ready for it.”
“Good.”
“It isn’t my son I’m worried about. It’s his mother. I don’t know if I can have her in small doses,” he said. “I don’t think I want to try.”
“I don’t think I want to find out where this can lead if I don’t go to sleep right now.”
He reached for me, took a hold of my hand, and squeezed it. “Rest.”
I nodded in the dark, slipped my hand from his, and turned over to face to opposite wall.
“Would you believe me if I told you that I’ve spent these last few years regretting every decision I made before you left?” he asked into the darkness.
My Way Back to You: New York Times Bestselling Author Page 11