Without warning, Shyanne was in front of me. Her face was impassive, clearly a trick that people who dealt with life and death on a daily basis were adept at.
“I’m sorry to say that the news isn’t good.”
All the blood seemed to rush away from my head. I felt dizzy all over again.
“Is he alive?” I managed to choke out.
Shyanne nodded. I drew in a huge shuddering breath, thankful that he had at least made it to the hospital.
“But he has a collapsed lung and he arrested a few times before they arrived. They’ve put in a chest tube, so at least he’s breathing better, but he has a lot of internal damage and…”
I stopped listening because I had no idea what all the technical terms she was rhyming off meant, only that Gabriel was in bad shape.
I leapt to my feet. I was way beyond my limits for sensory overload.
“I need to see him,” I said, interrupting her spiel. I knew I was being rude, but I couldn’t listen for another minute.
I needed to see Gabriel. Only after I had laid eyes on him, could I possibly begin to comprehend exactly what she was telling me.
“It’s chaos in there, I don’t think it’s the place for you,” Shyanne started to say. I met her protests with a haughty stare. I didn’t speak because I wasn’t sure if I could trust my voice not to quiver with emotion.
She studied me for a few moments, the pity in her gaze was undeniable. I hated every bit of it. I didn’t want her sympathy, I wanted her help.
She shook her head as if it took every bit of her will to agree.
“C’mon,” she finally said.
I cast a quick glance over my shoulder at Dave, who sat stiffly in a chair. His color had returned and he looked almost back to normal. I could tell by the expression of dread on his face that there was no way he wanted to come with me.
“You stay here, okay?” I said, letting him off the hook. He nodded; there was absolute relief in his eyes.
It was then that another question came to my mind, one that I hadn’t wanted to ask.
“Is our father in there with him?” I asked.
Shyanne shook her head.
“No, as far as I could see it was just medical personnel…” She scratched her head. “Maybe he’s gone to get a coffee or something,” she said.
“Or something,” I said under my breath, unable to rein in the fury that Pa was M.I.A. And that there was a very strong possibility that his ass was positioned on a bar stool somewhere around town. It was what he did when the shit hit the fan, something, though I hated to admit it, that I had inherited from him.
Shyanne led the way through the closed doors that led into the emergency room. It was like any other emergency room I had been in, lots of curtains, medical equipment and every kind of healthcare worker in perpetual motion. The sheer number of people, rushing in an out of a particular curtained section told me exactly where Gabriel was.
It was one thing to force Shyanne to take me inside, but it was quite another to be there amongst the confusion, knowing that my little brother was so sick that he needed a dozen people to save his life.
“You sure you want to do this?”
I hadn’t realized that I had stopped moving until her voice brought me back.
I nodded.
Shyanne walked forward. I followed. My stomach twisted into tight knots. My throat was too constricted to swallow my own saliva, but still I managed to push forward.
Even after we had slipped behind the curtain Gabriel wasn’t in view. Medical personnel crowded every bit of space around him. I was just tall enough to catch a glimpse of him, and it was enough to make me want to vomit all over again. There were so many tubes and cords coming from his body that it was difficult to recognize my little brother, whose face was as familiar as my own.
His hair, platinum white and so unique was the only part of him that confirmed it was Gabriel. He was so still, like a mannequin washed of color, that I wondered if he had died and no one had realized yet. His eyes were closed with blue veins visible against the pallor of his eyelids. A thick blue corrugated tube trailed from the side of his mouth. The mechanical rise and fall of his chest and the erratic blip of his heart on the monitor next to his bed, told me that he was still with us.
Suddenly I questioned what I had been thinking when I had insisted that Shyanne take me to see him. She had been right, it was too much for me to see him like this. I knew that the trauma of the scene I was witnessing unfold, would play in my mind for an eternity. Then I was speaking without even knowing what I was saying.
“What the hell is happening to him?” I said in a voice that was thin with anxiety.
No one answered me.
I should have been thankful that they were doing everything they could for him, but I couldn’t feel grateful for much of anything. From what I saw there was a very good chance that Gabriel was going to die, and there wasn’t a fucking thing I could do about it.
My breath came in shallow puffs. I knew I couldn’t stay there a minute longer. I couldn’t witness Gab fighting for his life, like a fish that had been pulled from the sea and was slowly dying on the shore. Even before I cleared the Emergency room the flashbacks came, and there was nothing I could do to stop them from rushing in.
Then I was back in the hospital, the one from my past. I had needed to see Ma, to know that she was going to be fine and that all the things that had looked so scary in our house hadn’t meant anything at all. I had spotted Pa, with Gabriel tucked loosely in the crook of his arm. He had been nodding at the grim-faced doctor who was speaking to him. There had been bruises and cuts on his face as if he’d been in a fight. I raced toward them. I had been so small that they hadn’t noticed that I had slipped past them into the room.
Everything had loomed so huge, but nothing more than the stainless steel bed at the center. That’s where I had found her. Abandoned and alone, covered by a thin white sheet that was stained with red.
Ma.
I had crawled up onto the table, curling my body around her dead form until someone eventually found me there…
Then I was back to the present, running through the halls that led to the outside. I heard Dave call my name, but I couldn’t answer him. I needed space, and time to man up, so I could be strong for Gabriel. Time to push back the memories of Ma.
And even as the thought formed in my mind another one followed. For once in my life I couldn’t help Gabriel, I couldn’t scoop him into my arms and carry him away to safety. I was so very helpless, just like I had been when Ma had died.
Warm air that smelled of exhaust and fresh cut grass, hit me as soon as I was outside. I raced down the sidewalk, skirting the people that I found in my path. I had no idea where I was going or what I was going to do, only that I needed to be away from it all because I wasn’t sure if I was strong enough not to break. I was disgusted by the fact that for once in my life, I wanted to be as far away from Gabriel as I could. Every time I remembered how he had looked, buried in medical equipment I thought of Ma. I couldn’t do it anymore; it hurt too much to relive it all.
Only when I had spent all the air in my lungs did I stop running. I bent at the waist, gasping for breath, wishing that someone would take me away from it all, hold me in their arms and tell me that everything would be okay. But there was no one to do that for me, I knew there never would be again.
The memories of the night Ma died, grew like tumors in my mind and no matter how many times I tried to push the thoughts away, they kept coming. My mind worked to assure me that Gabriel wasn’t going to die, the past didn’t predict the future. I wasn’t going to lose the only person that meant anything to me, it just wasn’t going to happen.
It was then that I saw the answer to all my problems, for a little while at least. The neon sign flashed the name of my salvation, Clancy’s Pub and Grill; it was exactly what I needed.
13. LEXIE
“I’m not sure about this Lexie,” Trinity said, eyeing me warily.
“I just don’t like the idea of leaving you here by yourself all night. Maybe Aiden and I should stay here too…”
“No,” I said a little more abruptly than I had planned.
The last thing I wanted was for Aiden and Trinity to babysit me. Besides, if they stayed, there was no way that I would get a chance to go to the hospital, meaning all opportunity to see Gabriel would be lost. I visualized tossing them physically from my hotel room and into their car, thankfully I managed to stop myself from losing my cool. Trinity narrowed her eyes, staring at me with renewed suspicion. Things were rapidly going downhill. If I didn’t salvage the situation soon, I was going to be screwed and tattooed.
I crossed my arms over my chest, leveling my gaze on Trinity. I worked as much innocence into my expression as I could manage. It was a do or die proposition.
“Trin, you know I love you guys, but it’s been a long ride. I just need some space to deal, you know…” I cut my eyes to the thin mossy brown carpet. In my opinion I held the pose for entirely too long before Trinity finally spoke.
“I get it,” she said simply.
I brought my focus to her face. Once again I recognized the all too familiar pity that had been like a mainstay in almost every one of her looks my way since Mom’s death. I didn’t deserve it, but I accepted it, knowing it was the only way I was going to get them out and to the campground for the night.
Aiden, who had hung back during most of our discussion, looked relieved that we had settled the sleeping arrangements. He came behind Trinity, wrapping his arms around her tiny waist. Witnessing their comfortable closeness and a love that seemed to grow stronger by the moment, made my heart ache for something I knew I didn’t deserve, but still wanted. Murderers didn’t rate a happy ending, they died old and alone, having lived a life of regret and loneliness. It seemed a fitting punishment for snatching away Mom’s life.
Trinity moved forward, out of Aiden’s grasp. She embraced me in a way that made me feel protected and loved. She rested her cheek on the top of my head and I hugged her back, grateful that she had agreed to leave me alone. It was more than I ever could have asked for.
“We’re going to go now,” she said, after she had released me.
I nodded; an easy smile spread across my face.
Trinity stood a little taller. She placed her fisted hands on her hips. I knew she wanted to look imposing, but it was tough to achieve the effect considering the outfit she had just changed into. Today she was dressed in unrelieved white. Her floor length dress was made of a fabric that was so light that it fluttered softly with her every movement. The sleeveless bodice dipped at the neckline showcasing a modest, yet in my opinion perfect, décolletage. Cinched at the waist of the dress was a gold cord that matched flawlessly with her gold tone Grecian sandals. Satiny threads of fabric twisted from the shoes and around her delicate ankles. Her hair was gathered in a loose bun with a gold olive leaf crown, perched atop her head. She looked nothing short of a Greek goddess, a fact that hadn’t been lost on Aiden, who couldn’t seem to take his eyes and hands off her form. It was surprising that even after three years together, he still looked at her as if she was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen.
As if he couldn’t help himself, Aiden planted a feather kiss on the curve of Trinity’s neck. She shivered in response. I would have been lying if I didn’t admit that once again, I was envious of their love. My jealousy always bugged me because no one deserved happiness more than Trinity and Aiden did. Even so, I couldn’t help but long for even a tenth of what they had. As soon as the thought passed through my mind I shook it away. It would never happen like that for me. I didn’t deserve it, not by a long shot.
Aiden and Trinity threaded their fingers together then moved toward the door. Aiden whispered something against Trinity’s ear, she giggled in response.
“Camping,” she murmured back.
She shot me a devilish grin that said that not much sleeping would be going on in their tent during the night.
“Adieu mon amie,” she said, then with a flutter of her hand like she was the Queen of the Nile, she slipped out the door. Aiden was close behind, offering me a final wink before he exited. The door closed quietly behind them. As soon as it had, I released a long exhale. Suddenly the door burst open again. Trinity popped her head in.
“No boys or drinking,” she said, wagging her finger at me.
I knew that she had meant it as a joke, but I couldn’t stop the sinking feeling that came over me with her seemingly benign words. Because she had reminded me so much of Mom that it physically hurt.
“Fuck,” she said when she read the expression on my face. “I’m an asshole.”
She rushed back into the room and embraced me, holding me tight as if she was scared to lose me.
“I love you so much Lexie, I never want to hurt you, ever. But sometimes my mouth goes faster than my mind…”
She sighed into my hair. “I just want you to be okay.”
“I know,” I said.
I stepped back and covered my mouth, yawning for effect.
“Promise to call me if you’re scared or upset, or for anything. Even if you get a hangnail, just call,” she said. It was more than obvious that she was stalling, worried to leave me alone.
“Trinity, I’m a big girl. I’ll be fine. Seriously you worry way too much. It’s not the Cabin in the Woods, it’s a Howard Johnsons for shit sakes.”
She laughed aloud, then with one final look my way, disappeared through the door. This time she didn’t return. Relieved to finally be alone, I fell back onto the double bed. The pink and teal floral bedspread felt stiff, and smelled like industrial fabric softener; much like every other hotel bed I had ever slept in. It certainly wasn’t the Hyatt, but it definitely served the purpose and was, as luck would have it, walking distance from the hospital. Not that I planned on walking at night alone. I was desperate not stupid.
The shower was hot, the stream strong. Driving all day had left me feeling dirty. I was more than happy to have a shower. I tied my hair in a pony tail, still a little shocked at the color of it, which I had dyed black on a whim. It was drastic against my too pale skin, but somehow made my hair appear sleeker. I dressed in a fresh pair of jeans, a fuchsia tee and tennis shoes, then strode to the main desk to call a cab. It seemed odd that I was impossibly blasé about going to the hospital to see a celebrity faith healer, who was quite possibly fighting for his life. I knew I was being more than a little selfish, yet my obsession to contact Mom blotted out all my hesitations.
A twentyish Hispanic guy was manning the main desk. He was cute, bordering on hot, with smoldering eyes and dark hair that was tied back in a pony tail as long as mine. He stared at me warmly when I approached him. I couldn’t help but grin back. I was suddenly self-conscious about my crappy outfit. He was dressed professionally, in a crisp white shirt and slate grey dress pants. I looked like a complete scrub next to him. Not that someone who looked that good would have ever bothered to look at me. The guy, whose name was Pedro, called me a cab, smiling graciously at me intermittently. Every time he smiled he showed every one of his teeth, that appeared pure white against his café-au-lait skin. I knew I was ogling him, but it felt impossible not to. He was the kind of guy you saw in magazines, not at the front desk at a Howard Johnsons.
While I waited outside for my cab, I gazed at the city, lit up for the evening. Huge moths fluttered around the streetlights, showing that even the bugs were bigger here than at home. A few minutes later a yellow cab pulled up to the side of the street. The cabby, a man in his late fifties, with a pot belly and a short-sleeved blue cotton shirt, rolled down his window and yelled out.
“Are you Miss Adams?”
I nodded, opening the door to the back. The cab smelled like cabbage and floral air freshener with an undertone of oniony sweat. I was thankful that the ride wasn’t going to be very long.
“Where to?” he asked.
“Smith Memorial Hospital,” I said, as if I ac
tually had a legitimate right to be going there.
“Sounds good,” he said, flipping on the meter.
Then we were on our way.
14. LEXIE
Dusk had turned into night in the short distance from the hotel to the hospital. What should have been a ten minute walk, had stretched to twenty minutes because of all the one way streets that had us going too many directions to keep up. I paid the cabbie, giving him a sizable tip, then stepped out onto the sidewalk that edged the hospital entrance.
I hadn’t really thought much about what the hospital would look like, so had no preconceived ideas about what I would find. The fountain that was positioned at the entrance was constructed of grey stone bricks and was probably the size of a small swimming pool. The spout of water that was at its center, shot up at least thirty feet into the air. The spurting water was lit by white and colored spotlights that gave it a rainbow appearance. Despite the enormity of the fountain, the hospital seemed smallish. Wedged between buildings that towered high above its roof, the worn façade of the hospital made it appear as if it had been there long before the other buildings.
As I moved toward the sliding glass door, I noticed a few people milling around the entrance, puffing on cigarettes that were probably banned inside. No one gave me a second look. I was silently pleased that I was blending in so well. I hoped the same held true when I got inside.
The interior of the foyer confirmed that I had been correct in my assumptions about the age of the place. Despite the highly polished blonde hardwood floor, and fresh coat of paint on the walls, the place had an old feel. Dated water radiators were painted the same eggshell color as the walls, and were backed by white colonial style wainscoting. A hospital pharmacy was to my left and a gift shop just beyond it.
The sleek Cherrywood information desk was massive, taking up most of the center of the room. Several computers sat just behind the rounded counter. I hoped one of the women sitting at the computers would tell me where Gabriel Sanders was.
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