I watched him move around the kitchen as if he belonged there, and wasn’t just a visitor. He already knew exactly where the coffee cups were, and all the other things that he needed. He was back a few minutes later with a steaming cup of coffee in his hands. He laid it in front of me then went to the fridge, coming back with the small container of milk we had bought along the way.
“Thanks.”
I added milk to the coffee, not bothering to mention that I usually took my coffee with sugar too. The first mouthful was extra bitter, I never had really liked instant coffee much but without sugar it was positively nasty. I smiled and swallowed as if it was the best thing in the world.
“I’ll go to town later and get a few more things, you can let me know if there’s anything you want,” I said.
“I’m easy, anything you want to get is fine by me,” Ransom said with a shrug. The quiet widened between us before I spoke again.
“Did you sleep okay?” I asked.
“Sure,” he said, “you?”
I nodded. “Yeah, it was okay.”
I stirred my coffee a few more times, a little unsure about what else to say. We had covered so much of the superficial already; it felt like the well had gone dry. I was stumped for conversation, which didn’t bode well since we were going to be spending quite a bit of the foreseeable future together.
“Why are you so against sleeping in your room Lexie?” Ransom said out of the blue.
Even though I knew that it hadn’t been intended that way, the question felt like a slap in the face because it made it necessary to articulate how I couldn’t bear to be in a space that Mom and I had worked so hard to make perfect. More than any other place in the cottage, my room had been where Mom had released her hold completely, allowing me to have exactly what I had wanted. Though she had carefully planned the rest of the place, she had relied on an interior decorator to get some of the things she had wanted. But my room had been all us, every piece had been handpicked by me, Mom had been right there with me. It hurt to remember it. I knew that not explaining it to Ransom would shut him out. Right then I wanted him to know something about me that nobody else did.
“It’s because it makes me remember that she’s gone, that she’s never coming back and that I’m to blame for it,” I said. I kept my focus on the white ceramic cup in front of me.
“Oh,” he said.
I brought my eyes up to his, where they linked together. In his gaze I realized that without even saying a word he understood. And as if he had placed a key into a lock that I had never thought would be opened, the whole story of the night Mom had died poured out of me. Ransom remained quiet as I spoke, watching me with interest until I had finished. As soon as I stopped talking he reached for my hands. I held on, thankful for the contact.
“You can’t blame yourself Lexie, you couldn’t have known what was going to happen,” he said. There was compassion in his eyes. I hated seeing it there because I didn’t deserve even a bit of it.
“Blaming myself is all I have left,” I whispered. “Because if I allow myself to get off the hook, not take full responsibility for my actions, I’ll be somehow minimizing Mom’s death, like it was fate or something stupid like that.”
“You know Gab says that no one really dies, that their energy is all around us and that no matter what, they know that you love them. He says that whatever message you want to give them they already have it,” he said, as if he had sifted through my mind and knew exactly what I had been planning all along.
I sighed, wanting to believe his words, but knowing that I couldn’t. If I did actually think that Mom was already here with me, listening to everything I said, then that would somehow be too easy, like I hadn’t worked at all to atone for my mistakes. Like I could just apologize and that would make it okay. It felt wrong.
“As far as fate goes,” Ransom continued.
I stared at him then, allowing him to see the pain that had worked into my expression, instinctively knowing it was okay to show him how I was feeling.
A smile lit up his face, he squeezed my fingers in his.
“I can’t say I exactly believe in fate, but I have to admit there are a lot of coincidences that have happened in my life that I can’t explain away. Even all the stuff that happened with you and me, meeting you in the alley and then later at the hospital. That couldn’t have just happened,” he said.
Though his words were meant to soothe, they did just the opposite, showing me in perfect clarity all the lies and secrets that were rapidly stacking up. If Ransom knew the truth, that I was doing everything in my power to get to his brother, he would have hated me. That meant that I had to make sure he never found out.
I shifted in my seat, not sure how to respond.
“Thanks for that Ransom.”
My voice was wooden from my shame. The kindness in his eyes stung. Every part of me needed to get away from him, so he wouldn’t be able to discover how truly broken and twisted I was. I got to my feet.
“I’m going to get a shower, then I’ll go into town,” I said.
I knew I was being abrupt after he had tried to be so supportive, but I needed some space to get it together, a little time to remember what I was working toward. It was easy to use him when he was acting like a jerk, but this side of Ransom, the guy who actually cared about how I felt, was making it difficult for me to imagine using him to get to Gabriel after all.
28. RANSOM
I sat on the beach watching the surf, knowing that the last place I should have been was there. But I had never been to the beach before and despite the cold and the way the wind kicked up the sand all around me, I welcomed the solace.
“Hey,” Lexie said from behind me.
I was surprised that she had managed to sneak up on me. She held a bottle of red wine and two glasses.
“What’s the occasion?” I asked, arching an eyebrow her way.
She was dressed in a cream-colored cable knit sweater that went low on her hips, and sky blue jeans that hugged her curves in a way that made my heart thrum in my chest, a very common response of late.
Her simple grin, a flash of teeth between soft pink lips, made my breath catch. It had been too long since I had been with a woman. Horny didn’t even come close to describing how I felt. Having Lexie around all the time certainly didn’t help matters. More times than not, I found myself catching on little things about her, like the way a simple brush of her hand against mine made my heart speed up, or the way she studied me with absolute concentration when I was working out. I had never noticed things like that with other girls and the more I was around Lexie, the more I wanted to take her to bed. To make her orgasm over and again, until she couldn’t catch her breath.
“I don’t know? Maybe your birthday?” she said, falling into the sand next to me. The wind caught her hair. Her cheeks were rosy from the cold. I hadn’t remembered her looking as beautiful as she did right then. I dragged a hand through my hair, moving the locks that had lengthened over the weeks we had been there, out of my eyes.
“Shit, I completely forgot,” I said, shaking my head. “How did you know it was my birthday anyway?” I asked, then remembered I had mentioned it to her a few weeks back, though I hadn’t given her an exact date.
“I have my sources.”
She leaned into me with her head against my shoulder. Another gust tossed her hair into my face and the scent of summer flowers, wafted around me. No matter what part of the day it was, rain or shine, Lexie always smelled so fucking good.
“Actually I found it on Wikipedia a while back,” she said.
I wrapped an arm around her waist, drawing her closer, appreciating her warmth and the feel of her sweater on my bare arm.
“I’m on Wikipedia?” I said, surprised that I rated important enough to have my details there. Then I clued in.
“You mean that Gab’s on Wikipedia and they probably listed me as his family or some shit like that. I hope they don’t have a picture of me there too.”<
br />
Mentioning Gabriel and how I was linked to him on Wikipedia, reminded me again of how very much my life had once revolved around him. Being in the cottage with Lexie showed me what I hadn’t realized before, like a wheel on a car, I supported Gabriel in everything he did, but I never decided what direction we were going. My life had never been my own before now.
Lexie shook her head. “No picture, just your birthday and name and…” She broke off as if she had said something she hadn’t wanted to.
“You know you really should have worn a jacket,” she said, shifting the topic. She appraised the goose bumps on my arms, running her fingers along my bare skin. I loved the feel of her hands on me, and how natural it felt for her to touch me.
“Yeah I know, I guess it just feels good to have the wind against my skin, the salt spray in my face. It’s so refreshing.”
“Refreshing wouldn’t be the word I would use, more like frickin’ freezing your butt off cold.”
The glasses tinkled in her fingers and were already starting to turn red at the tips.
“We should go in, I’ll build a fire,” I said, standing up. I took the wine bottle from her grasp and pulled her to her feet.
“A fire just for me? I think I love you Ransom,” she said with a giggle.
Suddenly we both froze, staring at each other as if neither of us knew what to say next. I knew she had meant it as a joke, but somehow it had brushed against something inside of me, and made me want things that I had long ago resolved not to have, like love and permanence. From as far back as I could remember, sex, as much as I could get, was what I had looked forward to, back then it had been enough. But being with Lexie made me see that there was more out there then acting the role of prime stud.
“Ah, I mean…” She flushed bright red.
“I know what you meant, who wouldn’t love all of this?” I said, sweeping a hand dramatically down my torso.
“Yeah, whatever,” she said, giving me a scathing glare. Before it got any weirder, I threaded my free hand with hers and we walked back to the cottage.
It was only a five minute walk, but seemed like double that, since for some reason the cold had suddenly started to make its presence well known, enough so that my teeth were literally chattering by the time we crossed the threshold. Lexie laid the glasses on the table and glanced back at me.
“I told you that you should have worn proper clothes,” she said, rubbing her hands against my shoulders and biceps trying to warm me up. The friction did it’s job. I felt a little bit of warmth work back into my body.
“Fire,” I said.
I moved past her into the living room and got to work on building a fire. The kindling that I had cut the day before was bone dry and ignited quickly. Before long the crackle and pop of a wood fire filled the air. Heat, luscious and welcome, wrapped its toasty hands around me. As I began to warm, I smiled, thinking how much Lexie and I had fallen into a routine. At first the regular schedule of what we did in the day had been so foreign, but had soon become something I had grown to count on.
Everything about the cottage felt familiar, including Lexie. I had actually started missing her whenever she wasn’t there with me. I racked it up to being together twenty-four-seven for the past few weeks, but I knew there was more to it than that. She was easy on the eyes, but also easy in every other way possible. From her smart-ass comments to the way she looked when she had just jumped out of bed in the morning, she was one hundred percent Lexie, with not even a hint of bullshit about her.
Even without thinking about it, I found myself wanting to take care of her, to make her coffee in the morning, build a fire, cut wood and whatever else I could do for her. And as much as I did, she reciprocated, cooking meals that I had once only dreamed about, like roast chicken, baked potatoes, candied carrots and buttered corn. She was quite a cook and seemed to enjoy watching me eat; we were a perfect combination.
“Ransom, come here I have something for you,” Lexie yelled from the kitchen. Though I would have preferred to stay near the fire for a few minutes more, I stood up grudgingly and dragged my feet to the kitchen.
Lexie had slipped off her sweater, revealing a long-sleeved forest green shirt that seemed to accentuate the flecks of gold in her blue-green eyes. She didn’t say a word before she shoved a plain black gift bag my way. I looked at her suspiciously.
“Duh, it’s your birthday, you get a present,” she said with a impatient roll of her eyes.
I scratched my head then pressed my lips together, slightly embarrassed that I hadn’t figured it out. Normally people got presents for their birthdays, at the very least they got a cake, though that wasn’t something that had happened after Ma had died. Pa had never believed in celebrating much of anything. I had become so accustomed to the status quo, that I couldn’t even remember if Gab had ever really had a birthday present, or cake for that matter. I vowed to change that as soon as we were together again.
Lexie must have seen something in my expression because her smile waned; there was something that looked a lot like pity in her gaze. I wanted it gone because she wasn’t supposed to feel sorry for me. I didn’t need that from her, not her. My face went steely as I opened the top of the bag. As soon as I had spotted the gift whatever irritation I’d had was forgotten, and I was overcome with emotion.
“Fuck,” I hissed.
“Fuck good, or fuck bad?” she asked, biting her bottom lip apprehensively.
I pulled out the bright yellow bucket filled with 950 pieces of Lego bricks. I felt a lump form in my throat because it looked exactly like the one Ma had given to me so many years before. The one Pa was surely to have found and destroyed by now. I knew it wasn’t the same one that Ma had given me, but that didn’t matter because it still felt like I had her back with me. It felt like the day I had woken up on Christmas morning and had found it. The excitement, the exhilaration of what were destined to be the last moments of a childhood that had been snatched away from me the day she had died.
I threw my arms around Lexie, hugging her to my body as tears from the past threatened to spill. I swallowed a few times doing my best to pull it all back in, forget about Ma, and the hell that had become my life after she had left me, left us.
Then our lips came together and I was kissing Lexie. Though I had kissed her in what seemed a lifetime ago, this time it was on purpose. No alcohol to dull my senses or anything that prevented me from knowing exactly what I was doing. As our lips moved together it felt like I was home, like I belonged with her.
Her mouth was cool on mine and she tasted of fresh air and something sweet. She sank her hands into my hair, tugging me even closer, kissing me deeper. Her tongue searched my mouth in earnest. I grabbed her hips, until her pelvis was pressed tight against an erection so hard that it felt like it would split my zipper. I lifted her up and onto me. Her legs straddled my waist as I searched her mouth with my tongue.
All I could think was how I needed her more than anything in my life. But what I wanted from her now was nothing like ever before. There was no animalistic need to take her, it was more than a desire for release, so much more. I had no idea what it felt like to make love to a woman, but for some reason that very thought traveled through my mind. I didn’t just want to have sex with Lexie, I wanted something more meaningful.
I broke away for a second, staring into her face. I ran a thumb down the line of her jaw, groaning at the feel of her soft skin, and the cold that still chilled her cheek. Lexie gazed at me with glazed eyes that were filled with a desire that seemed to match mine. Even so I still needed confirmation, that said that she wanted me as much as I wanted her.
“Do you want this Lexie?” I asked, my voice husky with need.
“More than I’ve wanted anything in my life,” she whispered.
It was all I needed. I supported her body with my hands as I strode down the hall.
“Not there,” Lexie said, shaking her head. “I want to be in front of the fireplace.”
; I nodded. I didn’t care where we were, only that I had to be inside her, feel her warmth surround me, connected in a way that only a man and woman could. I carried her to the area rug in front of the fireplace. It was pure white and shaggy soft, and seemed to be made for having sex. I was surprised I hadn’t realized that before. I laid Lexie down on the carpet, ripping off my shirt before I laid down on top of her. I slid a hand under the hem of her shirt, then the silky fabric of her bra, until my hand captured her bare breast. I moaned as I felt her nipple go hard against my fingertips. I tugged on it until she arched her back and drew in a quick breath.
Hungry to see her full body for the first time, I tugged her shirt up and over her head then tossed it to the side. I took a moment to drink her in, the half moon of her breasts above her purple lace bra, the soft dip of her stomach, the way the bones of her pelvis jutted above the waistline of her jeans. I skimmed my hands down the curves of her waist; her skin felt like velvet.
Slowly, with patience that I hardly felt capable of, I moved back up the length of her torso. I slipped her bra straps down off her shoulders, then reached behind her, unclasping it with deft hands. Lexie shifted under me, as eager as I was to have the only material still separating our naked flesh, pulled away. With a quick snap I tossed the bra to the side. Lexie gasped in response, her eyes went wide with enthusiasm.
Her breasts were perfect, soft mounds of cream with pink nipples, hard and begging to be licked and sucked. I flicked my tongue across the taut peaks then nipped softly, she sucked in air in a rapid inhalation. My mouth continued to work on her breasts, my hands fondling what my mouth wasn’t touching. She pushed up against me, wanting me to take more of her, something I was only too happy to do. When I felt her hand at the waistband of my jeans, working to open the button, I released a guttural sound from low in my throat. I let go of her, long enough to unbutton my jeans. With her help they slipped down my hips. The release was instant and a little overwhelming. I wasn’t just hard for her, I throbbed, pulsing in a way that I had never felt before.
Ransom (Holding Ransom # 1) Page 29