Ramming into me, his hot breath and sweat coated the back of my neck and shoulders.
“If you tell anyone about this, I’ll put you on blast and everyone will know you’re nothing but a worthless lying dyke.”
They turned, walking hand-in-hand into the building. It’s the perfect beginning to the all-American college love story between a beautiful innocent girl and a lying rapist.
Click.
Abigail, we know you’ve been dishonest, not honoring your end of the agreement. Your mother and I are trying to save you, but you keep fighting. After your mother’s visit, we contacted your professors. None of them remember a student fitting your description in their class, Abigail.
The corners of my mouth curled up. He actually believed saying that name over and over again would turn me back into her. But I never was her.
Click.
Every action has consequences, Abigail and you’ve left us no choice. We’ve informed the university about your leave of absence. All they know is, we need to come together due to a family crisis. We’ve made arrangements at a local treatment facility. We still love you and are committed to your healing. We’ll be coming to get you tomorrow.
You love me as long as I fit into your version of acceptability.
The only person who loved and cared about me was Hollis. She was the first person who let me be me. And she had no idea what a monumental gift that had been. I would never be able to let her know how grateful and blessed I was to have her in my life.
Hollis headed toward the building, weaving her way through the student bodies. As she reached the door, Risher rushed up beside her. He’d be good for Hollis. She just needed to trust and let him show her how beautiful she truly was. They exchanged a few words before heading inside.
I flinched when the alarm on my phone went off, letting me know it was almost time to go. The crowd had dwindled down, with the last few stragglers rushing up the steps. I checked my bruised face in the rearview mirror. The swelling had gone down a good bit thanks to Hollis taking care of me, but I was still sore and achy.
I drew in a deep breath and slid the hood of my jacket over my head.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Grabbing my backpack, I headed inside for my last day at Chambers University.
I WOKE UP to an empty room. That hadn’t happened since the beginning of the semester. I texted Benton to make sure he was okay but didn’t get a reply. I thought about checking the amphitheater, thinking he may have gone there, needing to see that moment that defined God for him. But I didn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to retrace the steps, fearing I’d hear the noises from that night.
With each passing day, Benton’s physical bruises and cuts were healing, but mentally he was slowly shutting down. I urged him to talk to a counselor or a member of his church. Some days he’d agree. Telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. Other days, he’d just slam a drawer or the door and storm out. Then late yesterday something happened that resulted in a complete disconnect. I saw in his eyes and felt it radiate off of him. When I begged him to talk to me, he refused and said not to worry. He was handling it.
I checked my phone three times during the short walk over to Johnson Hall. Still no response from Benton, but I already had a text from Maggie. I’d put off going into any detail with her about Risher and I, telling her we were just taking things really slow. I knew it was over, but part of me clung onto the tiny scrap of denial floating around in my head.
Maggie: Good mornin’! At least I hope it’s good.
Me: Mornin’! Jury’s still out on the good part. ☺
Maggie: I’m planning on coming this weekend. First night = Girl’s night.
Me: Deal.
Maggie: I love you, Hollis.
Me: I love you too. <3
As the building came into view, so did the sight of Shaffer. He was midway up the steps with a redheaded girl, talking and laughing. I slowed my pace and held back. The thought of breathing the same air as that monster, even for a second, made me sick to my stomach.
My chest tightened as the redhead let Shaffer lead her into the building hand-in-hand. I understood why Benton didn’t report what had happened, but I didn’t agree with his decision. Once he turned eighteen and the threat of his parents’ control was gone, I hoped he’d change his mind. Shaffer couldn’t be allowed to hurt anyone else.
As I reached the top of the steps, I felt a tug on my elbow. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw a pair of green eyes that brought me joy and heartache all at the same time.
“Hey,” Risher said.
“Hey.” My heart was racing.
“Is it okay if I walk with you?”
“Of course.”
Heading into the building, we joined the sea of students in the hall. The familiar flutter whenever Risher was near made the rounds from my head to my toes, and all the stops in between. He smiled over at me a few times, but we made the trip in silence. I was confused. He’d been avoiding me for more than two weeks and the other day, I got the distinct feeling that it was over.
When we got to class, I continued toward the back as usual. Placing my backpack down, I slid into my seat. When I scanned the room, I was shocked to see Risher sitting beside me.
“Is this okay?” A hint of a smile crossed his lips.
I nodded.
As students filed in, I nervously played with my phone, turning it over, checking for texts, and turning it again. My stomach matched flip for flop and my skin crawled with goose bumps.
Out the corner of my eye, I saw the tip of Risher’s tongue glide across his bottom lip as he rubbed the back of his neck with one hand, while tightly gripping a pen in the other. He was as nervous as I was, but much more adorable at it.
He blew out a deep breath and said, “Hollis, can we talk?”
“Now?”
“There’s something I need to tell you. I’ve been putting it off and I just can’t anymore.”
Forcing down the lump in my throat, I said, “Okay.”
I kept my gaze low. This was it. He was going to say the words. When the words were said that made it real and done. I couldn’t stop the tears from bubbling up behind my eyes. I gripped my phone with one hand, and the edge of my desk with the other, ready to bolt at any second.
As I focused on my desk, the napkin I’d written the equation on came into view. My heart pounded as I scanned the official paperwork. He hadn’t filled in the answer. Touching the edge of the napkin I slid it under my fingertips, curling it up.
Risher leaned in closer. “Hollis, I can’t… answer the equation like you want.”
I nodded and kept silent.
“I’ve worked on it for two weeks. I’ve taken it everywhere, to class, meals, the gym, on runs. I’ve even memorized it.”
“What?” I wasn’t sure where he was going with this.
“I’ve never told you this because you’re like this mathematical genius… I have a C minus in this class.”
My hand flew up, covering my mouth. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
I pulled the pen from Risher’s hand and wrote out the answer to the equation.
9x - 7i > 3(3x – 7u)
___________________
9x - 7i > 9x - 21u
-9x -9x
___________________
-7i > -21u
___ ___
-7 -7
____________
i <3 u
I slid the napkin across the desk toward him. As he read the answer, the corners of his mouth curled up. Risher’s lips parted at the same time the room exploded with blood-curdling screams. My head whipped around toward the front of class and all the blood drained from my body.
Standing in the front of the class was Benton, staring blankly ahead, the hood of his jacket pushed down exposing his bruised fac
e. His left hand hung loosely by his side while his right hand was raised in the air, fingers curled around a gun pointed at Shaffer.
Acting on pure instinct, I grabbed my phone.
Me: Mom and Dad, I love you.
A shaky-voiced Professor Wilson said, “You don’t want to do this, Son.”
Benton didn’t respond, he didn’t move, he just kept aim on Shaffer. His entire body shook as sweat trickled down his hurt face.
The room filled with a mixture of cries, gasps, and the sound of desks scraping across the floor as students attempted to take cover. I got up and took one step before I felt Risher’s hand wrap around my wrist.
“Hollis, stay here,” he whispered.
I looked down at his pleading eyes. “I can’t. He’s my friend and he needs me.”
I knew Benton wouldn’t hurt me. He never wanted to hurt anyone. My arm pulled out of Risher’s grip and I headed toward the front of the class.
Standing a couple of feet away, I said, “Benton, put the gun away.”
When he looked at me, my heart shattered. His eyes were glazed over with hopelessness.
“Hollis… sweet Hollis.” His right arm relaxed slightly.
Drawing a deep breath, I tried to keep myself from collapsing. “How about we let everyone go. Then you and I can sit here and talk.”
The sound of whispered prayers and the click of texting surrounded us.
Tears filled his eyes. “You’re the only one who ever listened to me.”
“And I want to listen to you now.”
“It’s over.” Benton’s grip loosened a little more, the end of the gun wavering from its target.
“What is?”
“Benton.” He choked a sob back.
“You’re not over. You’re right here.”
“They’re coming to get me.”
“Who?”
“My parents. They’re going to put me away. They want to kill me, Hollis.”
My hand flew to my mouth trying to block a sob.
Keeping my voice as steady as possible, I said, “Benton, listen to me. I’m here for you. I’ll talk to them. But first, let everyone go home, okay?”
He slowly nodded and agreed. “I don’t want to hurt anybody.”
“I know. You never have.”
“Everyone can go… except him.” His right arm stiffened, pointing the gun back at Shaffer.
“Look, I’m sorry for whatever I did to you. Please… Jesus Christ,” Shaffer said, his voice trembling uncontrollably.
Benton stepped toward Shaffer, tightening his grip around the gun. “Shut the fuck up! You don’t talk now!”
Another wave of screams and cries filled the air.
He kept the gun and his gaze aimed at Shaffer. “You promised you wouldn’t tell. I let you do things to me…”
“Benton, he’s not worth it.” I gasped.
“Everyone can go, except him.”
I looked at the professor and mouthed, “Go.”
He hesitated for a moment before moving toward the door and then ordered. “Everyone leave.”
The class erupted in movement. Everyone made a mad dash to the exit. As the door swung open, the sound of chaos echoed from the hall as students and faculty evacuated the building.
In less than a minute the class emptied.
“Rish, come on,” Chuck pleaded.
Risher walked up beside me. “No.”
Glancing over at him, I said, “Risher, get out of here.”
“I’m not leaving you, Hollis.”
Realizing that Risher wasn’t going anywhere, Professor Wilson and Chuck left.
“You still love Hollis?” Benton said.
In a low voice, Risher replied, “I never stopped.”
“Good. She deserves to be loved.”
“Benton…”
“You do, Hollis. You deserve every good thing in this world including your dibbed dude.” The hint of a smile crossed his face.
“You do too.”
He shook his head, his face coated in more tears. “I just wanted to live my life. I never wanted to take anything from anybody.”
“I know.”
I caught movement out the corner of my eye. Risher was positioning himself little by little behind Benton.
“I can’t, Hollis.”
“Can’t what?”
“I can’t be her.”
“You’re not her. You’re Benton.”
He glared at his target, his voice strong. “Why do you hate me?”
Shaffer, the mountain of hate and muscle, looked at me with terror-filled eyes. “I don’t hate you.”
“Oh, so you go around raping people you like?”
“We were just goofing around.”
Laughter began to take over Benton’s body. “You hear that, Hollis. It was all a big joke.”
The laughter quickly turned back to sobs.
“Benton, please give me the gun. He deserves to be punished, but not this way.”
He backed away from Shaffer, letting the gun fall to his side in exhaustion. “I can’t do it anymore.”
“You can get through this. You won’t be alone. I’ll be by your side the entire time.”
Risher was directly behind Benton at this point.
Benton looked at me with defeated eyes, a sad smile ghosting over his lips. “You’re the only person who ever accepted me. I’ll never be able to thank you enough.”
“You buying me a double-chocolate-chip milkshake every year for the next fifty should cover it.”
A genuine laugh escaped him.
“I love you, Hollis.”
Everything after that happened in a flash.
Benton raised the gun.
I screamed.
Risher lunged forward.
My heart stopped and the world went dark.
6 years later…
“I FEEL LIKE I’m losing my daughter.”
“Describe your child to me, Mr. Grammer.”
I looked into his hesitant eyes. I could sense he was on the verge of acceptance. He just needed a hand to hold as he stepped over that line.
His expression turned prideful. “She’s smart and kind. Clever. Her sense of humor is so sharp. I’m amazed at what comes out of her mouth sometimes.”
Placing her hand on his arm, his wife chimed in. “And, her dad is her hero.”
“That too.” Mr. Grammer smiled.
“Well, there’s a twelve-year-old young man sitting out in the waiting room who is smart and kind. Clever. His sense of humor is really sharp. And, he thinks his dad is the biggest hero in the world.”
Both parents’ eyes glossed over with tears.
“You’re not losing your child, Mr. and Mrs. Grammer. All the things you passed on to and taught him are still there.”
Choking back a sob, Mr. Grammer said, “I’m terrified she… he will get hurt or worse. And I won’t be able to protect… him.”
“I think that’s called parenthood.” We all shared a slight chuckle. “As much as we want to, we can’t shield the ones we love from all the bad what ifs in life. Sam knowing he has a safe place to go, full of love, support, and acceptance will at least stack the odds in his favor.”
I saw the shift in Mr. Grammer’s eyes. Take away the labels of male and female, the bottom line was, he loved his child, no matter what.
“Thank you, Hollis. Lynn and I have said several times that, having you guide us through this entire experience has been a godsend.”
“Thank you.” Before my tears began to flow, I stood and walked behind my desk. Counselors are supposed to remain neutral and non-emotional. “So, I already have you scheduled for next week.”
The three of us walked out of my office into the waiting room where Sam was focused on his phone.
“Sam, are you ready to go?” Mrs. Grammer said.
He nodded.
Sam stood and turned in my direction. “See ya next week, Hollis.”
“See ya next week, Buddy.”
/> As the family headed out the door, Mr. Grammer put his arm around his son. “How about we stop for a chocolate milkshake?”
“Cool,” Sam said.
Benton, we may not be able to help everyone, but today we helped three.
I walked back into my office and sat behind my desk. Figuring I’d catch up on some paperwork before the center closed, I opened Sam’s file and made notes. But my mind drifted to thoughts of him.
Not a day went by that Benton wasn’t present in my life. Every class I took toward my doctorate, every transgender child and family I counseled, every black hoodie, or sunrise I saw, I knew he was with me. From the very first day we met, he changed the trajectory of my life.
When I saw Benton standing in front of the class that day six years ago, I could see it in his eyes that a switch had been flipped and Shaffer wasn’t his intended target. The entire year afterward, I spent in tears and guilt. I should have reported the attack even though he pleaded with me not to. I should have pushed harder for him to get counseling. I should have been a better friend. In the end, all I could do was readjust to my life and make sure his didn’t go unnoticed.
It turned out that at first Shaffer targeted Benton simply because he wore the black hoodie during class, hiding his face. Then he said his friends bet him to find out whether Benton was a boy or a girl. He played it off like it was a big joke, claiming Benton knew it was all in fun.
Other than his moronic friends, Shaffer never told anyone about Benton. Apparently, my closet key swap idea during that Parent’s Weekend didn’t erase Mrs. Daniels’ suspicions. She and Pastor Daniels put two and two together and exercised their parental right. My guess was Benton had slipped so far into hopelessness that he wasn’t able to think clearly and he misconnected the dots.
I couldn’t press charges against Shaffer for the rape since Benton was gone and his parents continued to live in denial. I did, however, have the presence of mind to grab Benton’s laptop before anyone else. And he had the presence of mind to stay logged into his Facebook account. Chambers administration had a zero tolerance for harassment. Shaffer ended up getting expelled. It was a trivial punishment for what he’d done, but it was something. Nothing would ever bring my friend back.
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