As long as we were together, I didn’t care about the specifics.
“Come in.”
I let myself inside, carrying a stack of mail and a package. “Hey.”
“Hey.” He was at the dining table, and he rose to his feet like he used to and walked to me.
I looked at him, transfixed by his handsome appearance, so happy to see his eyes turn soft once more. “I’ve got a few things for you. I paid all your bills…I assumed you wouldn’t mind.”
“No.”
I handed him the package. “This looked important, so I thought I would bring it up right away.”
He examined the sender’s address before he carried it back to the table and set it down, like it wasn’t important enough for him to open it.
I stayed by the door even though I would have loved to crawl into his bed right now. I didn’t even want sex. I just wanted to be naked with him, to feel our bodies wrapped together, to sleep beside him, watch him breathe. I didn’t help myself to a seat at his dining table or linger. If all I got was the occasional conversation with him, that was fine with me. “Let me know if you need anything else.” I turned back to the door.
“Can I take you to dinner tonight?”
I stilled at the question, my heart immediately racing more than it already was. I slowly turned back to him, surprised he’d asked me. He’d fixed the parameters of my job so I could publicly date him without consequence, so I didn’t have to hide anything anymore. It was wonderful, not to reject him like I used to. “I’d love that.”
“I’ll pick you up in a few hours.”
It was such a drive to Brooklyn during rush hour, and by the time he got there, drove me back here for dinner, and then dropped me off again…it was just a terrible use of time. “How about we just leave straight from the lobby?”
“You working late tonight?”
“No. It’s just really out of the way.”
He cocked an eyebrow.
“I moved to Brooklyn,” I explained.
He still looked confused. “Why?”
“After I lost my job, I couldn’t afford my apartment…”
His eyes fell, like he felt terrible even though it wasn’t his fault.
“It’s fine. I like my place. It’s just out of the way now.” That was a lie. I hated that shithole. The only room in the apartment with a door was the bathroom, but the rest of it was just a big open space, all my furniture stuffed into a four-hundred-square foot room. My old apartment was gone and I couldn’t move back, so I was stuck with it for a while. But nice apartments were hard to come by, and it would take months to find a new one…even with my connections.
Deacon stared at me like he needed more time to digest that. “I didn’t know they let you go until a month after it happened. If I’d known…I would have done something about it much sooner.”
I had been surprised he hadn’t come to my rescue since that was the kind of man he was. His silence had made me believe he was really livid with me, that he would never forgive me for what I’d done. And then when he got my job back, I was confused why it took so long. Now, I understood. “It’s not your fault, Deacon.”
“I just…wouldn’t have let you move to Brooklyn.”
“There’s nothing wrong with Brooklyn, Deacon.” There were nice apartments there. I just couldn’t afford one. I had been about to be homeless, so I just took what I could get. It wasn’t in a nice area, so I always wore my baggy coat and kept my hood up when I walked from the subway to my apartment.
“How do you get home every day?”
“I take the subway.”
He sighed in disappointment.
I didn’t want to spend our time talking about this. “Dinner sounds great. I’ll be in the lobby.”
It took him a while to agree to it, because his thoughts were elsewhere. “I’ll drive you home afterward.”
Oh no. “You don’t have to do that, Deacon. Really.”
“I’m not letting the woman I love take the fucking subway at ten at night.” Pissed off, he turned and walked away.
I just got him back, and I was already making him angry.
I had money in my bank account again, so I left to grab something to change into so I wouldn’t have to wear my work outfit to dinner. I wanted to look nice, wanted him to look at me the way he used to.
I found a black designer dress on clearance and got a nice jacket to go with it. My heels were already black, so I would be able to reuse those. Thankfully, I always retouched my makeup every few hours at work, so I had that stuff with me.
By the time he picked me up, I was ready to go, wearing a short black dress and black jacket with my heels, my makeup fresh. I wasn’t trying to get laid, but if that’s where it went…I wouldn’t say no.
I rose to my feet when he approached the desk. “Hey.”
He looked me up and down like he couldn’t stop himself. His eyes lingered on my legs, the tightness of my jacket as it hugged my waist, the visibility of my cleavage at the top of my dress. Speechless, he just stared at me and eventually cleared his throat. Then he nodded to the entryway, where his driver was waiting.
Yes.
I walked beside him, my heels tapping against the floor, my heart revving like an engine.
We got into the back seat of the car and left.
He looked out the window most of the time, but his eyes occasionally glanced to me, checking out my legs.
We pulled up to the restaurant and walked inside. He pulled out the chair for me, ordered a bottle of wine for the table, and then held his menu in front of him even though his eyes were on me.
I’d lost weight I couldn’t afford to lose for the last few months, so now I was bony. My ass probably wasn’t as nice anymore. How could it be when I wasn’t eating enough to keep those muscles strong. But I hadn’t had an appetite…until now.
Because I was happy again.
I was there, with Deacon, and now I was starving.
Deacon continued to watch me. “What are you getting?”
“Everything.”
He smiled slightly.
I wasn’t joking. I was so fucking hungry that I was going to get that steak. I set my menu down.
“What appetizer do you want?”
“Any of them.”
“Alright.”
When the waitress came over, Deacon ordered the appetizer and ordered his meal.
“I’ll take the New York strip,” I said with. “Medium well. With the potatoes. And can I add a soup?” I handed over the menu so she could walk away.
There was a basket of bread on the table, so I took a piece.
Deacon kept up his stare. “I’m glad you’re indulging.”
“Yeah. I’m starving because I—” I didn’t tell him I’d been too broke to eat much, too depressed to have an appetite, that losing him had fucked up my health and my sanity. I’d felt my body change, not just in physical appearance, but on a biological level. It was so nice to go out for real food, to eat something I couldn’t afford even if I’d been working this entire time. I didn’t want Deacon for his money, but damn, it made a huge difference. “I’m just hungry.”
He grabbed his wine and took a drink.
I noticed his appearance wasn’t different, his weight hadn’t fluctuated. His schedule probably remained stable, and he ate whether he was hungry or not. Food was medicine to him, so there was no reason for it to change.
I smeared the butter onto the bread and ate the whole piece, my stomach rumbling once it knew the suffering was over. I drank my wine afterward, always loving the selections he made.
Deacon was quiet, like usual.
I was comfortable around him instantly, but there was a change in the relationship. He didn’t speak his mind as much as he used to. He was more restrained, observing me from the comfort of his private thoughts. Since Deacon’s mind worked differently from most people, it took a long time to get anything done with him…a very long time. I wouldn’t be surprised if it too
k six months for us to be what we were once more.
“I want you to know that I haven’t been with anyone but you.” He blurted out the statement with no segue, like it’d been on his mind but he had no idea how to approach the conversation.
I stilled at his words, wishing I wouldn’t react, but it was inevitable. My mind was on the basket of bread between us because I couldn’t look at him right then. In my darkest moments, the most terrible images had flashed across my mind, beautiful women in his t-shirts, walking down the hallway where I used to walk, sleeping in the bed that had become home. I pictured those red panties on the floor, imagining him being inside a woman who didn’t give a damn about him for him. It had made me cry more times than I could count. When he didn’t take me back, I assumed he’d moved on, and it was so disturbing that I’d stopped myself from thinking about it. Otherwise, I would fall back into that black hole of terror.
Deacon waited for me to acknowledge what he’d said.
I didn’t know how to do that. We were in a public restaurant, so I couldn’t do what I really wanted to do…which was cry. I cleared my throat, kept the tears confined to my chest, and responded. “Me neither…” But that was a given. Why would I want to be with anyone else after having him? Deacon was one in a million. I was just another face in the crowd.
Deacon’s intensity didn’t change.
I still couldn’t look at him.
“Cleo?”
“Hmm?” I turned my gaze out the window.
“Look at me.”
“Deacon, please…” I kept my voice low, shielded the emotion deep inside me.
“Why are you upset?” he whispered.
The waitress came to the table and placed the appetizer between us before she walked away again.
I’d had my eyes on the street outside, doing my best to seem composed.
His question lingered in the air.
“Because I didn’t think that was the case…” I still couldn’t look at him because it would lead to another moment of catharsis. It would make me want to collapse onto the floor and heave. “When you didn’t come back, I just assumed…” It was just like my divorce, picturing my husband with the woman he preferred over me. But it was a million times worse. “I know I messed up, but I don’t think you truly understand how much I love you…” I loved him in a way I’d never loved my husband. I bent over backward for Deacon in a manner I never did for my ex, even when I got nothing out of it. My love was totally selfless. It made me wonder—if I’d been that way with my husband, would my marriage have survived? Because I would give up everything in a heartbeat for Deacon—but not for my ex-husband.
“I can say the same for you.”
I turned my head and looked at him.
“I was still in that relationship…even if we weren’t together. I was as committed as ever. I was as in love as ever. But I was also just as bitter, angry, and resentful as ever. So, I needed space to decompress. Women wanted me, there were offers…but I wasn’t interested. It only made me realize how deep my feelings are, that they never change—whether we’re together or not.”
It was the sweetest thing he’d ever said to me. A thin film of moisture coated my eyes.
He leaned forward slightly, his hand moving to the middle of the table, like he was offering it to me. “I regret my selfishness. I should have been there for you instead of only thinking about myself.”
“You had every right to be upset, Deacon.”
“Yes. But you needed me…and I wasn’t there.”
My eyes watered more because he had no idea how much I suffered.
“I was hurt you didn’t tell me yourself, that you didn’t trust me the way I trusted you. But if I’d taken some time to look past myself, I would have realized what you’d been through, that it was a mistake and you just wanted to move on. You didn’t want it to define you. You wanted me to see the real you, and that wasn’t the real you.”
Fuck, he was going to make me cry.
“I should have been there for you…and I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay…” My hand moved to the center of the table.
“Depression is a true biological event, and it impairs our judgment, our decision-making, our ability to handle situations logically. I know that better than anyone, and I didn’t give you that courtesy of understanding, because I expected so much out of you. But that wasn’t fair, to judge you because I think more of you, not less.” His hand squeezed mine. “You’re the victim of a toxic relationship. Jake is just like Valerie, a liar, a manipulator, an asshole. You could judge me for being with Valerie, but you never did. How could I judge you for the same thing?”
He absolved my guilt, took the weight off my shoulders, made me feel light.
“You can tell me anything, and I’ll understand. That’s how I want it to be from now on…that you can talk to me. Because I want to hear it from you—no one else. We’re the only two people in this relationship, and I’ll believe everything you tell me implicitly. If someone else comes along and contradicts, I’ll ignore them—because I trust you. But…I don’t want to go through something like that again.”
“Okay, Deacon.”
“Is there anything else you want to tell me?”
I shook my head. “That was my only secret.” I had nothing else to hide. My life had been pretty uneventful after I’d lost my parents. I’d been on my own for a long time. The one stupid thing I did somehow bit me in the ass—and I would never make that mistake again.
“Alright.” His hand stayed in mine, accepting my answer as fact. He stared at me across the table, gentleness in his eyes, his fingers lightly rubbing against mine. He looked at me the way he used to…like I was the only thing in the world that mattered.
I ate everything—including a brownie with a scoop of ice cream on top.
Deacon got the bill and immediately slipped his card inside without looking at the total.
I continued to demolish my dessert without any goddamn shame.
“Can I ask you something about Jake?”
I didn’t want to talk about him, but I realized we talked about everything, like my ex-husband, so it would be odd to take Jake off the table just because I was ashamed of what happened. “Sure.”
“How did you find out he was married?”
I hesitated before I took another bite, not wanting to dive into the details because I was certain Deacon didn’t want to hear them. But I didn’t want to lie either. “We were together in his residence when his wife came home. We were in the bedroom, and when I heard her, I asked him who would just barge into his place like that. That was when he told me…”
Deacon’s expression didn’t change. “So, what happened?”
“I hid inside the closet…and listened to them have sex.”
He shook his head slightly. “Jesus.”
“I was so hurt and humiliated by the whole thing. He tried to justify it by saying they were hardly together because of their careers and he wanted to leave her anyway. But I was so disgusted by the entire situation, I just instantly hated him. He filed for divorce right away and gave me the papers as proof so he could get me back, but I said I was done.”
“How did his wife handle it?”
“He said they were unhappy anyway, so they ended on good terms.”
“I meant with his infidelity.”
I shrugged. “Said she was fine with it, but I don’t believe anything he says.” I finished every bite of the dessert and set down my spoon. Now I just wanted to leave and drop the conversation forever.
But Deacon wasn’t done. “How long did this relationship last?”
I pushed through it. “A few months.”
He nodded slightly.
“I didn’t love him, if that’s your next question.”
He dropped his gaze, like it had been on his mind.
“My husband had just left me, immediately moved in with this woman he met at work, and Jake came on to me…and I just didn’t care anymore.”
I stared at the melted ice cream on my plate. “I was filled with so much guilt because my husband blamed me for everything. He said I worked too much, didn’t do enough sexy things for him, didn’t do my part in the apartment, the list goes on and on. My confidence was shattered. I knew hooking up with Jake was a violation of the rules, but I already hated myself so much that I just… It didn’t matter.” I hated thinking about the past because it always made me feel like shit again, but I understood why Deacon was curious, and he’d never had the opportunity to ask in the past. “When I dumped Jake, I’d given up on men. They were all assholes, just in different flavors. Then I met you…” I lifted my gaze. “And I knew you were different. I know you were a real man, and when we got together, I felt like the universe was finally giving me what I deserved. I’d kissed all the frogs and paid my dues, got my heart broken like everyone else, and this was finally the happily ever after I’d dreamed about since I was young.”
He lifted his gaze and looked at me.
“I want to marry you. I want to spend my life with you.” I unburdened my heart to him. “I want to be a mother to your son. I want to have more babies with you. If you asked me to marry you tomorrow, I would say yes. This is the end of the road for me. I can’t be with someone else, not after you.” If we couldn’t make this work, I’d just be alone forever. How did you have a great love like ours then be with someone else after that? It just wasn’t possible.
His fingertips rested on the stem of his glass as he held my gaze. “I said I wanted to take it slow…”
“I know,” I said quickly. “I don’t expect anything, Deacon. I just want you to know that I love you in a way I’ve never loved anyone else, or I’ll love anyone in the future. Whether we never get married, whether we move to a desert island, whether you tell me you don’t want to have more kids…I’m not going anywhere. As long as I’m with you, I don’t care what our future looks like. But I’m not going to lie and say I don’t want those things…because I do.”
The Man Who Has No Love (Soulless Book 3) Page 18