“You’re such a good brother to me Duncan,” she told him. “I know you’ll be honest with me. Do you think it only a brotherly invitation Black Richard gave, or was it something more?”
Duncan knew full well what kind of intentions Black Richard had and being her brother was not one of them. But he did not want to share that with her. Black Richard was a good man, not a ruffian and not one to bed any lass that would have him. That fact made Duncan’s current predicament all the more difficult. He wanted Aishlinn to have a rich and full life. But he did not want it to be with anyone other than himself.
He felt quite selfish but did not care at the moment. He knew Black Richard could quite easily sweep Aishlinn off her feet and that was a chance he was not willing to take. “I think it be more of a friendship he be wantin’ to have with ya Aishlinn, and nothing more.”
She deflated the moment he said it and it brought a twinge of guilt to his heart. Her punctured posture made him wonder if she had more feelings for Black Richard than she would admit to.
“Is something the matter, lass?”
She shook her head. “Nay,” She felt like a great fool at the moment. Such a fool she was to think there might be a small chance that Black Richard, or any man for that matter, might be able to see beyond her plainness and want something more than a friendship. She felt stupid for allowing her heart to believe such a thing possible.
He believed her not. “I think mayhap there be somethin’ and ya be afraid to say it.”
She sighed heavily before looking at him. “Do you promise not to laugh at me?”
“Aye, I do promise,” he said as the guilt grew.
She took a deep breath before asking, “Do you think any man might ever be wanting anything other than a friendship with me?”
He felt like a cad and a whoreson. Duncan knew she thought she was plain and deserved little in life. And when a man finally showed some attention towards her, raising her self-esteem for probably the first time in her life, Duncan had broken it. He knew there was a special place in hell for a man like him.
He held her gaze for a long moment. “Aye, lass, I certainly do.” He was not certain if she believed him. “I think there be plenty of men here who would very much like to gain yer affections.” He could not tell her he was one of them. “But I ask ya to be makin’ me a promise, lass.”
She did not look up at him, her eyes fixed at the ground at her feet. “What is the promise?”
“That before ya go allowin’ all these lads to be escorting ya to dinner and tryin’ to win yer affections, ye’ll come to me first?”
Duncan could see by the puzzled look on her face that she did not understand why he would make such a request of her. “Ya see, no’ all the men here might have good and decent intentions. I know of a few off the top of me head right now who I’d warn ya against.” His own name was first on that list.
She thought about it for a moment. Perhaps this was the kind of thing good brothers did for their sisters. “Do you do that for Bree as well?”
“Aye, I do.” He knew it was only true to a certain extent. Bree was a good judge of character and had grown up knowing everyone here and Duncan worried not that she might make a mistake. Besides, Bree had her parents to look out for her. He knew he was being selfish but he wanted Aishlinn for his own.
Having no experience with men or romance, Aishlinn thought perhaps it was a good idea to first confide in Duncan before making a decision on what man she would allow herself to be courted by. If anyone did in fact ever want that privilege. She agreed and made the promise.
Duncan wondered if he’d ever stop acting a fool when it came to this bonny lass. The thought of anyone else attempting to court her made his stomach seize and his heart fill with jealousy. He had no true claim to the lass, but he would like at least to have the opportunity.
******
Duncan watched very carefully over Aishlinn that evening while keeping a more watchful eye on Black Richard. The first sign of any romantic twinkling in the man’s eye and Duncan was ready to intervene. Although he felt quite guilty for lying to her earlier in the day, his jealousy and his need to have Aishlinn as his own far outweighed his guilt.
He noticed that Aishlinn did not look as happy as she had earlier in the day. She was merely going through the motions and it was his fault she was having a miserable time. He knew she felt quite wounded by the lie he had told her.
The usual bright smile was gone from her face and she spoke very little to Black Richard during their meal. Although Black Richard was making a gallant attempt at being kind to her, it mattered not. Aishlinn was convinced he wanted nothing more than a friendship. Not being experienced when it came to men she was not picking up on the subtle cues that Black Richard was giving her. Duncan noticed them, however; for they were the same kinds of things he would have used himself if he weren’t such a coward.
When the meal was finally over and it was time for Black Richard to escort Aishlinn back to her room, Duncan followed the two of them. He stayed hidden and quiet in the shadows. He was quite relieved when Black Richard bid her good night without so much as kissing her hand or whispering anything in her ear. Duncan felt like a rat because he knew that had he answered Aishlinn with the truth earlier, her evening with Black Richard would have gone quite differently.
Typically Duncan would have knocked on Aishlinn’s door and bid her good sleep. Tonight however, the immense guilt eating away at his heart kept him from doing so. A part of him wanted to go to her, tell her the truth and all the reasons why he had lied to her. The coward in him said nay. Feeling like a weasel, he slunk off to his room.
Sixteen
The nightmares returned to Aishlinn’s dreams with a vengeance. She had woken twice that night, bolting upright, her nightdress soaked in sweat and clinging to her skin. Her chest felt heavy and it was difficult to breathe and the tears refused to quit.
It was the second dream that had been the worst. In it, she was hiding under Castle Gregor. The soldiers had come; they had learned she was there. Hundreds upon hundreds of the king’s soldiers had surrounded the castle and more climbed over the walls in search of her.
As they combed the castle they came upon Isobel and demanded she tell them where Aishlinn was. When she refused, a soldier drew a large sword from his scabbard and stuck it deep into Isobel’s heart. ‘Twas the same with Bree and Duncan and all the others. Soon, everyone she loved and cared for was dead.
Lifeless, cold bodies, drenched in blood were scattered everywhere. Their dead eyes stared up at nothingness. Some had been stabbed while others had had their throats cut. The soldiers had killed everyone, even the bairns and weans! The soldiers had killed them all in order to find her. In the dream she had tried to scream, to call out, but she had no voice and she could not move.
When she woke, ‘twas with such great sorrow and dread in her heart, her stomach was churning and threatening to retch. Large tears ran down her cheeks and her body trembled with fear and anguish. The people she loved could not die on her behalf. She simply would not allow it.
Half asleep she climbed from her bed and wandered aimlessly about her room. She was certain the dream ‘twas some sort of omen. It warned her that no matter where she hid she would be found. And the people she cared so much for would end up dead.
She wanted not to be alone and afraid. She wanted Duncan. To hear his voice tell her, as he had done when they first had met, that all was well and she was safe now. Perhaps if she went to his room and quietly peered inside, just to see that he was safe and her dream not real, perhaps then she could go back to sleep.
Carefully she opened her door and crept down the dark hallway to Duncan’s room. She stood outside his door and took a deep breath. Somehow she managed to find the courage to open it. She justified her action by remembering that he had told her many times before that if she needed anything he was right next to her. Tonight she truly needed him.
The moon shone in through the tall windows.
It cast a soft slivery glow across the room. In the near dark, she could make out his sleeping form as he lay on his back with one arm folded over his face. Her heart pounded relentlessly and she fought the urge to wake him.
She had given no thought to what she would do after she entered his room. She stood shivering and feeling like a fool. She was afraid to move forward and afraid to go back to her room where she would have to fight the nightmares alone. Perhaps she could curl up on the floor in front of the fire. Knowing Duncan was nearby might be enough to calm her mind and keep the bad dreams at bay.
Duncan woke with the sense that someone was in his room. His instincts told him to reach for the dirk he kept under his pillow. He took a slow breath in and listened to the sounds about him. He could hear the soft crackling of the low fire and the soft breeze as it floated in and carried the sounds of night insects and tree frogs with it.
He could also hear someone breathing near his door. He made the decision to reach for the dirk. With great speed, he rolled over onto his knees, slid his hand under the pillow and pulled the dirk out. He held it up, ready to pounce if necessary. “Who goes there?” he demanded. ‘Twas then he heard her gasp.
Still in defensive posture, his eyes adjusted to the moonlit room. “Aishlinn, is that ye?”
“Aye,” she whispered nervously. She had not meant to startle him or to wake him. “I’m sorry!”
He returned the dirk and wrapped the sheet around his waist before going to her. “What be the matter? Are ye ill?”
The tears returned. “I am sorry. I had a nightmare.”
Duncan put his arms around her and pulled her into his chest. She melted into him and held on tightly as her tears fell upon his chest. Soon she was sobbing, her shoulders racking as she cried. He held her closer. “Tis all right, lass,” he whispered as he rested his cheek on the top of her head.
It all came flooding out then. Between great sobs, she told him of the dream. “The soldiers found me. They killed everyone. You. Isobel. Bree. All the bairns, all the women, all the men, everyone was dead. There was blood everywhere! And it was all my fault!”
“There now, lass,” he whispered holding her tighter. “Twas just a bad dream and nothin’ more.”
Aishlinn was not convinced it was merely a bad dream. “No, I think it was an omen. No matter where I go or where I hide, they’ll find me. They’ll kill anyone who tries to help me! I cannot let that happen Duncan!”
“Lass,” he said softly as he tried to quiet her tears. “The soldiers are no’ lookin’ for ye, remember? Tall Gowan, Richard and Findley scouted for days and found nothin’. They’ll no’ be coming for ya.”
“Do you really think so?” she asked, needing very much at the moment to believe him.
“Aye, I do,” he told her as he prayed that he was right.
They held on to one another for a while longer before the tears finally subsided. She wanted not to let him go. He smelled like soap and smoke and sleep. She missed riding with him, sitting upon his lap while she slept with her head against his chest. She missed that feeling of warmth and safety. She had missed him.
“Duncan?” she whispered.
“Aye?”
“May I stay here, in your room this night?”
He swallowed hard for he was not sure he heard her correctly. “What?”
Aishlinn looked up at him and he could see her eyes, swollen from crying, looking to him for something. “I’ll not bother you, I promise. I do not want to be alone. May I sleep by the fire?”
He shook his head. “Nay,”
Her shoulders slumped and she slowly let out a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry. I will leave you be now.”
His bluntness had saddened her. She had known there would come a time when she couldn’t run to him every time a dream frightened her. Perhaps Duncan knew it as well and this was that moment. She tried to step away so that she could return to her room but he held on to her.
“Ya may stay Aishlinn, but ye’ll no’ be sleepin’ on the cold hard floor.”
Confused she asked, “But where then?”
“Ya may sleep in my bed.”
“But where would you sleep?” She didn’t feel it right to sleep in his bed while he slept on the floor.
“I’ll sleep there, in me bed, as well.”
She was horrified at the thought. “Duncan, that wouldn’t be proper!” She thought back to the stories Moirra had shared with her so long ago. Perhaps Duncan was one of those Highlander men who liked his women ready and had been hiding that fact from her. Although, if she admitted it to herself, the prospect of being with Duncan in such a manner did not frighten or repulse her. Still, she knew it wasn’t proper.
He smiled at her. “What wudna be proper?”
“For us to sleep in the same bed!” she lowered her voice to a low whisper. “We’re not married. It wouldn’t be proper to do that.”
He laughed at her. “Lass, I promise ya that nothin’ improper will be takin’ place.” That is if he could survive the night without touching her.
She remained quiet, still shaking from the fright the dreams had brought.
“Do ye want to go back to yer own room then?” he asked, knowing it would be better if she would go but wanting very much for her to stay.
While she did not like the thought of being alone this night, she was equally bothered with the notion of sharing a bed with Duncan. She shook her head and quietly said no.
“Well if ya want no’ to be alone and ya want to be in me room with me, then ye’ll be sleepin’ in my bed and no’ on the floor. I promise, nothin’ improper will be takin’ place. I’ll stay on one side of the bed and ya to the other.”
He finally let go and went back to his bed and crawled in. Propping himself up on one elbow, he looked at her. “What will it be, lass?”
It was true she wanted not to be alone. She knew not what she should do. A very large part of her wanted to sleep near him and to feel safe knowing he was there to protect her from whatever bad dreams may come. But she did not know if she could trust herself, for he did look so braw and handsome laying there in his bed with the moonlight caressing his bare skin. She wished for a moment that she could be the moonlight just for a chance to touch his skin.
“Lass, did we no’ sleep near each other for many nights? Out in the country by warm fires?”
“Aye, we did.”
“And did anything improper take place on those many nights?”
He made a most excellent point. They had spent many nights together, under the stars sleeping very close to one another. Nothing had happened then, so why should she assume something would happen now? Perhaps it was because her feelings for him were growing more toward romantic inclinations as the days had passed.
“Then what be the difference this night?” he asked. “Be it that there is a nice warm bed involved?” Duncan expected the offer would be too much for her and at any moment she would turn around and go back to her own room. He had spent many sleepless nights when his thoughts turned wicked as he dreamt about having her in his bed. This was not quite what he had envisioned.
Aishlinn was certain he did not hold the same romantic thoughts for her as she did for him. She looked first at him and then at the open door behind her. Her mind buzzed as she contemplated what she should do. Deciding she did not want to be alone she turned, quietly closed the door and walked to his bed. She stood looking down at him at his bare chest and strong arms. She prayed that she wasn’t making a mistake as she climbed in.
Duncan scooted as far to the other side of the bed as he could and was quite surprised that she had decided to stay. “Are you sure this will be all right?” She asked him as she snuggled deep into the bed while Duncan pulled the covers up over her shoulders.
“Aye, lass. Twill be fine.” That was the second time today he had lied to her.
She had told herself that she would rise early and return to her own room and no one would be the wiser. She felt safe with Duncan and was quite cer
tain he would not offer any physical advances that she might have to fend off. Deep down however, she wished that he would. She silently cursed herself for having thought it. He was her foster brother for heaven’s sake! She would stay on her side of the bed and he on his and all would be well.
They lay on their sides facing each other. As she looked at him, with his bare chest and muscular arms, she took a deep, steadying breath. He was such a handsome man! Oh how she wished -- for a moment or two longer than she should have -- that he did have more than a brotherly kindness towards her.
She thought about the conversation they had had earlier in the day as they had stood on the hill. Did he really believe that some day someone might take a fancy to her? Did he really believe that she was not plain? She closed her eyes and listened to the sound of his breathing. I wonder if this is what it is like for a married couple? Do they lie in their beds like this each night? Listening to each other breathe?
Her mind wandered to what she might like if she were some day blessed with a man in her life who thought her bonny. She would want him to hold her very close each night with his strong arms wrapped around her like a warm blanket. She wondered what it might feel like to lay her head upon his chest and listen to the sound of his beating heart. She wondered as well what it might be like to be kissed with love and passion and tenderness.
Her mind wandered further to things she thought were far from proper. She was glad that Duncan’s eyes were closed and the room dark for she did not want him to see the embarrassment on her face.
How many nights had he lain in his bed thinking of her being here with him? Now here she was, lying close enough that he could reach out and touch her, kiss her. But he could not and would not do that to her. She was a fine and proper young lady and fine and proper young ladies do not do those kinds of things unless they were married.
He knew he could not hold himself in forever. Someday he was either going to have to give in and tell her how he truly felt, or he would have allow her to move on. He could not continue to interfere with her life and keep her from the enjoyment of other men. Someday and someday soon he had to make a decision. Tell her or let her be.
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