His Amish Choice

by Leigh Bale

  She showed a sad little smile. “Ach, then you got what you wanted.”

  “Ja, but I regret putting myself first and not thinking about how my leaving might affect you and my eldre. I’m sorry for the pain I caused. I can’t look back and regret my life, but I do deeply regret hurting you, both now and in the past.”

  Oh, did he have to say that?

  “Es tut mir leid. Can you please forgive me for what I did?” he continued.

  Here it was. The moment she’d been dreading. Forgiveness was a requirement of her faith. If she truly believed in Christ and the Atonement, then she must pardon Eli for any wrongs he’d done to her. Repentance wasn’t just for her. It was for others as well. But still she hesitated, her pulse quickening as she pondered what to say. And yet, there was really only one response she could give.

  “Of course I forgive you, Eli.”

  As she said the words, her heart seemed to open up and a breath of fresh air cleansed her pain-filled heart.

  A wide smile spread across his face. A gorgeous smile that stole her breath away and turned her mind to mush.

  Placing his hat on his head, he took her hand in his. “That’s the best thing I’ve heard since...since I don’t know when. Danke, Lizzie-bee. You’ve made me very happy.”

  He paused for a moment, his long fingers wrapped around hers. She showed a lame smile, trying hard to be positive and friendly. She withdrew her hand, still feeling the warmth of his skin zinging up her arm.

  “Will you be ready for me to drive you and your familye to church soon?” he asked, still smiling brightly.

  “Ja, but I’m afraid Daed still needs our help to get from the house to the buggy.”

  “I figured as much. I’ll get the horse ready and come by to help you in about ten minutes. Is that enough time?”

  She nodded, her mouth too dry to speak. Instead, she whirled around and headed toward the house. Hopefully her sisters were ready and Daed had finished the breakfast tray she’d left for him before coming outside.

  As she crossed the yard, she looked up and saw her father peering at her from the window beside his bed. His forehead was crinkled in a troubled frown.

  A flush of heat scorched Lizzie’s cheeks. Surely he couldn’t have overheard her conversation with Eli, but he must have seen him holding her hand. Daed might misunderstand and think the gesture was romantic. And it wasn’t. No, not at all. But the last thing she wanted was to explain to her father that Eli had merely apologized to her. No declarations of love. No new proposals of marriage. No promises for the future. It was just a simple apology so Eli could clear his conscience before he left and returned to Denver. And that was all.

  * * *

  “Hallo,” Eli called as he entered the front door to the Beilers’ house. He glanced at Jeremiah’s bed, but found it vacant, the covers pulled up over the pillow in tidy order.

  The house smelled of cinnamon and he wondered if Lizzie had baked something special for lunch. But where was Jeremiah?

  “Eli!” Marty came running from the kitchen, her warm winter coat tucked beneath her arm.

  Annie pounded down the stairs, the ties on her kapp whipping at her shoulders. Both girls launched themselves at him in a tight three-way hug.

  “Oof!” he grunted and staggered back with their impact, then laughed. “You’re not happy to see me, are you?”

  “Of course we are,” Marty said with a grin.

  “Look! I lost another tooth last night.” Annie smiled wide, showing a gaping hole in the front.

  Eli leaned over to look closely, realizing how much he loved these two little girls. It would be so difficult to leave and never see them again. And what would they think of him when they found out he was gone? He hated the thought that they might be disappointed in him.

  “Wow! You’ve lost a lot of teeth lately. How many does that make now?” he asked.

  “Two in the last month. Lizzie says I’m getting my permanent teeth in because I’m growing up so fast.”

  “Ach, I suppose that’s true. You’re almost as tall as Marty.” He glanced between the two girls, comparing their height.

  Standing straighter, Marty frowned at that. “Ne, she’s not. I’m still the tallest. That’s ’cause I’m the oldest.”

  Annie giggled, her sweet voice filling the room. “But not for long. Lizzie says if I eat all my vegetables, I’ll grow up to be tall and strong. I might pass you up one day.”

  “You will not,” Marty said.

  “I might,” Annie insisted.

  The two girls engaged in a harmless pushing match and Eli reached out to separate them. “Ach, that’s no way to treat one another. When you’re older, you’ll be the best of friends. I promise you that. Until then, be kind and take care of one another.”

  As the elder, Marty nodded, looking rather serious. The thought of leaving and never seeing them grow up to be lovely young women brought a pang of hurt to Eli’s chest. How he would miss them.

  “I’m sorry,” Annie said, hugging her sister.

  A movement caught Eli’s eye and he looked up, seeing Lizzie standing in the threshold to the kitchen. Dressed in her winter coat and black traveling bonnet, she held a large basket hanging from one arm.

  “Annie, it’s time to leave. Go get your coat,” she said.

  The girl did as asked, hurrying to the closet.

  Eli stood straight, contemplating Lizzie. Her cheeks were flushed, possibly from baking early that morning. Her pale lavender skirts swished against her legs as she reached for a pair of gloves on the table.

  “Where is Jeremiah?” he asked.

  She jutted her chin toward the bathroom. “He insisted on bathing himself this morning. I couldn’t stop him.”

  Eli widened his eyes. “He’s not walking on his broken leg, is he?”

  “Ne, ne. He’s walking on crutches. He promised not to put any weight at all on his bad leg. He knows how important it is to let it heal.” The concern in her voice belied her words.

  Eli’s gaze followed her as she walked down the short hall to the bathroom and tapped lightly on the closed door.

  “Daedi, are you all right? Do you need any help?” she asked, leaning her cheek against the hard panel.

  “Ne! I’m fine,” came Jeremiah’s muffled response.

  A loud clatter and splash accompanied his words, lending doubt to his statement.

  “Eli is here to take us to church,” she said.

  “I’ll be right out.”

  Lizzie returned to the living room, tugging on her gloves. She helped Annie with her coat and tidied a short wisp of hair. Watching Lizzie lovingly caress each child’s cheek, Eli thought she would make an amazing mother one day. And suddenly, he saw her with new eyes. No longer was she the young teenaged girl he’d loved and left. Now, she was a fully matured woman who understood her place in the world and was confident in her choices.

  The bathroom door rattled and jerked open, releasing a blast of steam. Jeremiah stood there on crutches, holding his injured leg up so it didn’t touch the floor. He was fully dressed in his black frock coat, his combed hair and beard slightly damp.

  Lizzie set her basket aside and both she and Eli hurried to help the man as he hobbled forward.

  “Danke,” he said.

  Eli flinched, surprised to hear such a gracious word directed at him. Not since he’d been home had he heard anything approaching gratitude from Jeremiah. After working for the man for almost two months now, maybe Eli was growing on him. Maybe Jeremiah didn’t think he was such a bad influence on Lizzie after all. Of course, that would end if Eli returned to Denver. And though he knew Jeremiah didn’t approve of him, Eli hated the thought of losing the man’s respect. He hated to let him and elders of their church down. He knew what people in the Gmay would say about him. He could just imagine Marva Geingerich’s response at
church.

  You see? I told you he wouldn’t stay with us, she would tell everyone who would listen.

  He could also imagine his mother’s tears. His leaving would break her heart. And though his father would never show his emotions, Eli knew it would break his heart too. But he mustn’t let that be his reason for staying. Whether he stayed or left must be purely between him and Gott. He would have to live with his decision for the rest of his life and he must make the choice that was right for him.

  Jeremiah fell back into a chair, breathing hard while Lizzie reached for his winter coat. One of his crutches dropped to the floor with a clatter while the other leaned against the side of the chair. Eli picked them up, holding both crutches at the ready.

  “Vie gehts?” Eli asked the older man.

  “I’m just fine,” Jeremiah said as Lizzie held up his coat and he thrust each of his arms into the sleeves.

  “Does your leg cause you any pain?” Eli asked.

  “Ne, it feels gut. But I hate this weakness. I can’t hardly move without being out of breath. You were right. My muscles aren’t as strong anymore.” The man wiped his forehead, seeming a bit out of sorts.

  “Don’t worry. The weakness will fade,” Eli assured him.

  Jeremiah looked up, his eyes filled with hope. “You really think so?”

  “Ja, I know so.”

  “I must do more exercises, now that I’m able to get up and walk on crutches. I need to get stronger.”

  “That is a gut idea, but don’t overdo. Give your body time to mend.”

  Jeremiah blessed Eli with a coveted smile. And that alone made him feel incredibly happy inside. But it soon faded when he thought of the stern frown that would cover the elder man’s face once he learned that Eli had returned to Denver.

  “Are you ready to go?” Lizzie asked her father.

  He nodded, reaching for his crutches. Eli helped him as he stood.

  “Marty, get the door,” Lizzie called.

  Both little girls hurried to open the way so that Jeremiah could pass through to the front porch. Outside, Eli lifted Jeremiah down the stairs. He had spread ice melt so the path to the buggy wasn’t slick. They all moved at a slower pace, but once Lizzie had retrieved her basket and they were loaded inside, Eli breathed a silent sigh of relief.

  Taking the lead lines into his hands, he released the break and called to Billie. “Schritt!”

  The horse stepped forward in a jaunty trot, as if understanding the happy mood inside the buggy. Eli held the lead lines in his hands and thought about how much he would miss working with horses and the other livestock once he was back in Denver. Already he was yearning for the feel of a plow as it dug into the rich, fertile soil. The excitement of the harvest. The pleasure of eating one of Lizzie’s home-baked pies. But if he stayed, he would long for the work he was missing in Denver. The joy of helping someone survive a heart attack, or saving their life after a bad accident. He’d put years into his schooling and couldn’t let it go.

  Returning to the present, he mentally calculated how long it would take to drive to Bishop Yoder’s farm. Once they arrived, there would be many strong men to lift Jeremiah out of the buggy. They’d be happy to help, always working together for the good of them all. He realized how much he would miss each member of the Gmay.

  As he listened to the girls’ happy chatter in the back seat, he was surprised that Jeremiah chimed in now and then. Yes, the man was definitely feeling better. And though he was still weak, he was growing stronger every day. Soon, he wouldn’t need Eli to work his farm. Soon, Eli could leave Lizzie and her sweet familye behind and return to his Englisch life. Lizzie had helped him see that Shannon’s death hadn’t been his fault and while he still grieved for her loss, he was grateful he’d been privileged to know his fiancée, for however short a time. But he wouldn’t let guilt hold him back from the direction his life needed to take. Being a paramedic was what he’d worked so hard for. It was what he wanted to do with his life. He had to go back to Denver. He just had to. Lizzie would understand even if his parents and the rest of the Gmay wouldn’t.

  There. He’d finally made the decision of what he should do. He would return to Denver right after Thanksgiving. It was the right thing to do. He knew it deep within his heart. So, why did he feel so gloomy inside?

  Chapter Fifteen

  Sitting in the back seat of the buggy with her sisters, Lizzy enjoyed this trip to church more than any other she could remember. Snuggled in her warm cape and mittens, she listened to her sisters’ happy prattle and watched the beautiful scenery pass by the window. Tall mountains and wide-open fields covered with snow met her view.

  Once they arrived at Bishop Yoder’s farm, Eli hopped out to help her father. Without being summoned, numerous men and boys appeared, eager to assist. They lifted Jeremiah easily and carried him inside the spacious barn. Lizzie followed with her father’s crutches, placing them nearby.

  “Eli!”

  Little Timmy Hostetler ran into the barn and made a beeline straight for Eli. The man turned, saw the boy and scooped him up and spun him around before pausing for a tight hug.

  “There’s my Timmy. How are you doing this fine day?” Eli asked.

  Still in the man’s arms, the boy drew back and placed his hands trustingly on Eli’s shoulders. “I’m great. Even Mamm wonders at my recovery.”

  David stood nearby, a satisfied smile on his lips. “That’s right. Linda thought he was too wild before he got sick. Now, she can’t believe how active he is.”

  The other men laughed, patting Eli on the back.

  Nearby, Linda Hostetler nudged old Marva Geingerich. “What do you think, Marva? Look at all the gut things Eli has done. Isn’t it wundervoll? Do you still think he’s going to leave again?”

  “Humph!” was all Marva said.

  Lizzie would have laughed it if hadn’t been so sad to her. Watching Eli mingle with members of their Gmay, she felt a burst of joy. They were a tight community, sharing one another’s burdens and joys. It was so good that they had avoided several catastrophes and they were happy to have all their members here today. But more than that, she gazed at Eli, and a sudden, wrenching sadness filled her heart with pain. Because she knew he would be leaving soon.

  Marva Geingerich had been right all along.

  Turning away, Lizzie headed into the house where she assisted the other women with the food. Abby and Fannie welcomed her and she pasted a smile on her face, pretending all was well.

  When they were called in to church, Lizzie stepped outside and walked to the barn. Taking her place opposite the men, she sang when appropriate and listened intently as the bishop explained the true meaning of Gelassenheit, the joy in submission to Gott. She’d fought her fears for so many years now, but longed for a calm heart. She’d forgiven Eli, but still felt like she needed to let go of her fears. And that’s when she realized the difficulty was no longer with Eli, but rather with herself. Withholding her forgiveness had made her the sinner, but pardoning Eli had taken a giant leap of faith. In spite of her father’s disapproval and knowing Eli would soon be leaving, her heart was softened and she finally let go of her anger and doubts.

  Glancing over at Eli, she watched his expressions as he listened intently to the bishop’s sermon. A mixture of yearning and torment filled his eyes.

  Lizzie’s heart reached out to him. He didn’t have an easy task ahead of him. It would take a lot for him to turn his back on his parents and church and walk away again. To return to his Englisch life alone, without Shannon or anyone else to love and care for. Lizzie knew she could never have that kind of strength, but neither could she be angry with him for his choices. Because now, she had another huge problem to deal with.

  In spite of her father’s disapproval, in spite of her best efforts not to, she still loved Eli more than ever before.

  So much for her vow n
ever to let him break her heart again.

  * * *

  The morning before Thanksgiving Day, Lizzie walked out to the barn under cover of darkness. Planning to get an early start to her day, she would feed the chickens first. She needed the extra eggs for her pies, breads and cream fillings.

  Crossing the yard, she snuggled her knitted scarf tighter around her throat. As she exhaled, she saw her breath on the air like the blast from a steam engine. The sun wasn’t even up yet, but she couldn’t sleep. Too many things waged a battle inside her mind. Preparation of her familye’s feast, finding extra time when her sisters weren’t around so she could sew a new dress for each of them before Christmas and Eli’s inevitable departure.

  Inside the barn, she looked up, surprised to discover that Eli’s horse and buggy were already here. Two tall canisters of fresh milk sat beside the door. Since he was nowhere to be seen, she figured he must have finished the milking and gone out in the field with the cows. But why was he here so early? Maybe he couldn’t sleep either.

  Going about her business, she removed her gloves and picked up a silver scoop. First, she dug it into the grain, then into the cracked corn before dumping it all into her bucket and mixing it together. The extra protein helped the hens keep laying eggs even with the colder, shorter days of winter.

  Looking up, she saw Eli’s jacket had fallen off the peg by the door. She stepped over and lifted the coat to hang it up and blinked when some papers fell open on the ground. She picked them up, surprised to discover another letter from Eli’s old boss in Denver. The man named Tom Caldwell.

  Glancing at the doorway, she hunched her shoulders, feeling guilty for reading Eli’s personal correspondence. She should return the letter to his coat and forget she’d ever seen it.

  Folding the pages, her eyes caught the words job and excited for your return. Unable to resist, she quickly scanned the contents, discovering that Tom Caldwell needed Eli’s acceptance of the supervisory job with a start date of December 1.

  “Lizzie?”

  She whirled around and faced Eli, flustered to be caught in the act of reading his mail. “I...um, your coat was on the ground and when I picked it up, this letter fell out.”