by Leigh Bale
She quickly handed the pages to him. Never had she been more conscious of her lack of worldliness. Compared to the classes he’d taken at the university and the life he’d lived among the Englisch, she must seem so simple and unsophisticated.
He gazed at the papers in his hand, overly quiet and seemingly uncertain. “Did you...did you read it?”
She nodded, unwilling to lie. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry. It was just lying there open and I...”
Succumbed.
“Ne, it’s me who is sorry, Lizzie. I should have taken better care. I didn’t want you to see this.” He peered at her, his eyes filled with misgivings. “Are you angry at me?”
She hesitated, her heart filled with anguish. How she hated to lose him a second time. How she hated that he couldn’t seem to find contentment here in Riverton. But she couldn’t be angry with him anymore. What good would it do? She loved him and truly wanted him to be happy, even if it meant losing him.
“Ne, I’m not angry. In fact, I understand.” Reaching out, she squeezed his hand and met his gaze with conviction.
“You do?” he asked.
She nodded, but didn’t speak. Her throat felt like it was stuffed with sandpaper.
“You see why I want to go, don’t you? It’s a great opening for me, Lizzie. It’s what I’ve always wanted and I’ll never get this chance again. All of my schooling has been for this opportunity. I can’t pass it up. You know that, don’t you?” He sounded almost desperate to convince her. And for a moment, she thought he was really trying to convince himself.
She showed a sad little smile and nodded. “Ja, I know it’s what you’ve always wanted the most. I wish you would stay here in Riverton, but I know you have a gift for helping others. I can’t hold you back from reaching your potential, nor will I judge you or try to stop you from following your heart. You have to decide for yourself. And I promise to support you in whatever life you choose, even though my place is here in Riverton, with our people. I care so very deeply for you and I just want you to be happy. Even if that means we’ll never see each other again.”
Before he could respond, she leaned upward on her tippy-toes and kissed his cheek farewell, then whirled around and raced back to the house. She didn’t stop until she was safely inside her room where she closed the door and lay upon her bed to have a good, muffled cry. She would send the girls out to feed the chickens and gather the eggs later on. But even if the house was burning down around her, she didn’t think she could face Eli again. She meant everything she had said to him. And right now, his happiness meant more to her than anything else, even if it meant she had to let him go.
* * *
Eli stood where Lizzie had left him. He stared at the open doorway, transfixed by the sight of her slender back as she walked away from him. Knowing he would never see her again. He couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe. An overwhelming feeling of deep, abiding loss and grief pulsed over him again and again, like the crashing of tidal waves buffeting the shore. Lizzie was gone. All he had to do was finish his chores and go home. And the day after Thanksgiving, he could catch a bus back to Denver. It was what he wanted.
Or was it?
Lizzie wouldn’t be there. He’d never see her again. Never hear her laugh or see her smile. Never be able to seek out her advice or hear his name breathed from her lips in a sigh of happiness ever again. And it was his own fault. He’d made this happen. With his thoughtless, selfish desires to chase the world.
But maybe, just maybe, it didn’t have to be like this. He had one chance to make this right. To change the outcome. And suddenly, his life came into focus. It was as if a panoramic view opened up to him with his past, present and future life right before his eyes. Finally, he could see it all and understood what he wanted most above all other things.
His heart was filled with absolute confidence in what he must do. But he must do it now.
Turning, he reached for his coat. His course was set. He’d made up his mind and knew just what he wanted out of life. But he better not blow it this time. Because his eternal happiness was depending on what he did within the next ten minutes.
Chapter Sixteen
Over an hour later, Lizzie waited until she heard her sisters rustling around in their bedroom before she went downstairs and started breakfast. Finally the sun was up and she could stop staring at the ceiling in her room. She couldn’t lay on her bed feeling sorry for herself all day long. She wiped her eyes and blew her nose and took hold of her composure. Within a week, Eli would be gone back to Denver and she’d never see him again. She had to accept that and move on.
“Why are your eyes all red and puffy?” little Annie asked when she came into the kitchen.
The girl’s kapp and apron were askew. Lizzie adjusted her sister’s clothing before turning toward the stove. “I think I might be catching a cold.”
Which was partly true. She’d been sniffling even before her talk out in the barn with Eli that morning.
“Guder mariye,” Jeremiah called as he hobbled into the room on his crutches.
He smiled as he kissed Lizzie on the forehead, then scooted back a chair and sat down.
“Guder mariye, Daedi,” Lizzie said.
She watched him briefly, wondering if it was too soon for him to be getting around on his own. But since he never put any weight on his injured leg, she figured it was all right.
When Marty joined them seconds later, Lizzie set a meal of scrapple, bacon and thick-sliced bread on the table, then took her seat and bowed her head for prayer. As they ate, she responded automatically to questions and nodded to the conversations around her, but didn’t really listen. Later, as she went about her day, she felt like she was moving in a fog. Her bones were achy, her chest filled with a painful emptiness. Maybe she had caught a cold after all. Surely it had nothing to do with losing the love of her life. Again.
“Do you want me to see if we have more eggs?” Marty asked later that afternoon.
Lizzie felt a tad guilty for sending the girl on another errand, but she had been avoiding the barn at all costs. She couldn’t see Eli again. She just couldn’t.
“I’m afraid I do need two more eggs,” she said.
Nodding obediently, Marty did as asked. She returned minutes later with three fresh eggs.
“That’s all there is. I hope that’s enough to make your pies,” Marty said as she set the eggs carefully on the counter.
Lizzie didn’t look up from the batter she was whipping with a whisk. “Danke, boppli. I think this will be enough.”
“Gut!” The girl reeled around and headed back to the living room. Lizzie knew she had a new book she wanted to read and decided to let her go. After all, it was Thanksgiving tomorrow. Except for the mandatory work of milking and feeding the livestock, they all planned to take a break from their other chores.
Once her pies sat cooling on the counter, Lizzie decided she needed some fresh air. Wrapping her cape around her, she stepped out on the front porch where she wouldn’t be seen from the barn by Eli. Sitting in an Adirondack chair, she took several deep breaths, letting the frosty air cool her heated cheeks. It had gotten hot in the kitchen and she was grateful for this short break.
When she finally turned to go back inside, she glanced at the mailbox sitting at the edge of the lawn. The red flag was up, signaling to the postman that he should collect a letter to mail. That wasn’t right. She had placed no letters there.
Planning to lower the flag, she stepped down off the porch and hurried over to the box. Inside, she found a sealed envelope from Eli to Tom Caldwell in Denver.
Her heart sank. No doubt the letter was Eli’s acceptance of the job offer. Out of a selfish desire to keep him there in Riverton, Lizzie thought about taking the letter and destroying it. But that wouldn’t be honest. Her personal integrity wouldn’t allow her to do such a thing. Besides, destroying t
he letter wouldn’t change Eli’s decision. Instead, she left the letter right where it was and closed the door to the box. The red flag was up and she didn’t lower it. The postman would pick it up within the next few minutes. But now, her heart felt even heavier than before. She’d seen the proof with her own eyes. Eli was leaving. She would never see him again.
Turning, she returned to the kitchen where she forced herself to focus on cleaning the turkey for their big feast tomorrow afternoon. In spite of it being Thanksgiving, she was having serious difficulty counting all her many blessings.
She tried to think of all the things she was grateful for. Her familye and their good health. The Gmay and all her many friends who genuinely cared about her. Good, nutritious food and the plentiful moisture they’d had to nourish their crops for a bountiful harvest next fall. It was all so wonderful. So grand and glorious. Other than a husband and familye of her own, she had everything an Amish woman could want. Perhaps she would one day meet another good man she could love and respect. Someone who would love her in return. But right now, she just couldn’t feel any joy. Maybe in the near future. But not today. Not when she knew she would never see Eli again.
* * *
The following morning, Lizzie didn’t feel much better. In spite of her sisters’ happy banter, she carried a heavy heart as she prepared a Thanksgiving feast for her familye. In fact, she didn’t feel like celebrating. She felt like crying. But the Lord wanted her to have joy, so she pasted a smile on her lips and forced herself to be in a good mood. But deep inside, she felt empty.
While her sisters set the table, Lizzie mixed the stuffing. It was filled with celery, sage and onion, and her nose twitched with the wonderful aromas. When it was time, her father helped her stuff the turkey. Once it was in the oven, she set the timer and glanced over at the counter. Hmm. Where had Marty gone off to? She was supposed to be peeling the potatoes. In fact, where was Annie? She had been given the task of cleaning the broccoli. Her vacant step stool stood in front of the kitchen sink, but no girls were anywhere in sight.
“Marty! Annie! Kumme helfe,” she called, turning toward the door.
Jeremiah stood there on his crutches, his casted leg held up from touching the floor. She had to admit, she was delighted that he was getting around so well. Because of Eli, the exercises had really helped and she must thank him for...
She paused, her brain spinning. Eli was leaving. She couldn’t thank him. He wouldn’t be at church next Sunday, nor would he be back at the farm to help her father with his chores.
“Where are those maed?” she asked, her voice rather brusque as she dried her damp hands on a clean dish towel. She stepped toward the living room, trying to see past her father’s shoulder. He just stood there in the way, not bothering to move at all. Of course, he wasn’t very light on his feet these days, but the least he could do was step to one side and let her pass.
“Lizzie,” he said.
“Ja?” She glanced at his face, trying to skirt around him.
He lifted a hand and she drew up beside him. Caught between the fingers of his right hand was an envelope.
“What is this?” she asked, peering at him.
She didn’t have time for nonsense. Not if he wanted his Thanksgiving dinner to be served on time.
He rotated the envelope so she could see her name on it, perfectly written in Eli’s angled scrawl. She didn’t take the letter. No, she couldn’t.
“This is for you,” Jeremiah said. “It’s from Eli.”
“Ja, I can see that.” She backed away, turning toward the sink. Trying to ignore the heavy beating in her chest and the sound of her own pulse pounding in her ears.
“He wanted you to have it. Because I hid his other letters from you, I promised him that I’d deliver this one to you personally.” Jeremiah’s lips twitched with laughter, but she didn’t find anything humorous about it.
“I don’t want it. Take it away.” She made a pretense of cutting more celery for the cranberry salad she was making. Why would Eli write another letter to her? It was bad enough that he was leaving right after Thanksgiving. After all, they both knew he must report to his new job by December 1. There was no explanation required this time, so there was no need for him to say goodbye in a letter too.
Jeremiah hobbled over to her, standing beside her. “Lizzie, I want to make amends for hiding your other letters from you. Please, take this letter and read it right now.”
The command in her father’s voice caused her to pause. She stared at the envelope, knowing it was a farewell letter. She didn’t want it, but realized her father was going to hound her until she took it. Whisking it from his hand, she tucked it inside the waist of her apron and returned to her celery. Tears filled her eyes as she cut a stalk into cubes with a knife. When a new Amish bride was planning to marry, she often grew extra celery for all the many foods she would prepare for her wedding feast. But there would be no such banquet for her.
“I’ll read it later,” she mumbled.
“Lizzie. Read it now.” Jeremiah gripped one of her hands, holding her movements still.
She flinched when she saw Bishop Yoder standing beside the refrigerator. When had he entered the room? And what was he doing here? Why had he come here on Thanksgiving Day? It must be serious.
“Bishop Yoder?” she croaked out his name.
“Read the letter, Lizzie,” he said.
Confusion fogged her brain. Something was very, very wrong for both men to be here, pushing her to read Eli’s letter. Perhaps Eli had already left Riverton and the bishop wanted her to help convince him to return. But she knew that would be futile. Eli had made his choice. She would not beg him to come home. It would be too humiliating. Too pathetic for her to do such a thing. But her father and Bishop Yoder were still standing there waiting for her.
Dropping the knife and celery stalk into the sink, she again dried her hands, then reached for the envelope and slid her finger beneath the flap to break the seal. She hesitantly pulled out the single page and spread out the creased folds. As her gaze scanned the words, her heart did a myriad of flip-flops. She gasped, unable to believe what she was reading. Without a word, she brushed past the two men and hurried into the living room, then out onto the porch.
Eli! Was he here? Or had he already left the farm? She glanced around, looking for any sign of him. Hoping. Carrying a prayer inside her heart.
“Who are you looking for?”
She spun around. Eli! He was here. He’d been sitting on an Adirondack chair, but came to his feet as he spoke to her. He whisked off his hat, holding it in his hands. In his eyes, she saw a mixture of uncertainty and hope.
She stared at him, her throat too clogged to speak. Confusion filled her mind and she didn’t know what to say.
“Who are you looking for?” he asked again.
“You,” she croaked.
“Did you read my letter?” he asked, stepping closer.
She nodded, a raft of tears clogging her throat.
“Then you know. I’m not going back to Denver,” he said.
She swallowed hard, still gripping his letter in her hand. “You’re...you’re not?”
“Ne. In fact, I mailed my rejection letter to Tom Caldwell just yesterday. I’m not going to accept his job offer after all.”
“You’re...you’re not?” she said again, thinking she must sound irrational and foolish.
“Ne, I’m not. That’s why I invited Bishop Yoder to accompany me here today. You see, yesterday, when you turned and hurried away from me, something cold gripped my heart.”
She blinked, trying to clear the tears from her eyes. “And what is that?”
“For a third time in my life, I was about to lose the woman I loved. And I couldn’t allow that to happen again. I was devastated when Shannon died. And watching you walk away was like that all over again. I couldn’t lose
you too. Not again. I know on my deathbed I won’t be thinking about my education or my career. I’ll be thinking about you. And what good would my life be if you’re not a major part of it?”
She shook her head, not understanding. Not daring to hope she was hearing him correctly. “What are you saying, Eli?”
“Just that I love you, Lizzie. I love you so very much.”
The letter she still clutched in her hand said the same things and so much more. She hadn’t heard him say those words in many long years. But now, he said he wanted to stay in Riverton. That he wanted to marry her. She licked her lips, not daring to believe his words.
“I...I don’t understand.”
“I know. I didn’t understand myself, until yesterday. You see, over the past couple of months, I’ve experienced your strength and abiding faith, and I now feel a deep sense of peace in my heart. I could return to my Englisch life in Denver and forever lose you and the other things that matter most to me. Or I can remain here and always wonder if I made the right choice. In all honesty, I had planned to leave. But then, I started thinking about all the things I would miss. And most of all, I would miss you more than I could stand. Without you, nothing else matters to me.”
He paused, taking a deep breath. She forced herself to breathe too. To remain quiet and let him finish what he was saying.
“I don’t want to live without you, Lizzie.”
“You don’t?”
“Ne, I don’t. I realize that each of us has been given a wundervoll gift. The right to choose who and what we want to be. We both have the option of staying or going. I’ve finally made peace with Gott and I want to stay. Because I love you and my faith more than anything else in the world. This is where I belong. I know that now.”
A surge of joy almost overwhelmed her. She could hardly believe she’d heard him right. “Oh, Eli. Do you know how long I’ve waited to hear you say these things? I’ve never stopped loving you. I tried to pretend that I didn’t, but it was no use. I’m sure that’s why my heart has been in so much pain. Becoming your wife and raising a familye with you here in Riverton has always been my fondest dream. But...but what about your career as a paramedic?”