Opening the door further, I let him in to my apartment. "Nice place you have here," he said, looking around. I nodded dumbly, hating the small talk.
"What'd you come here for?" I asked. "It must be important if you were willing to fly here."
"To apologize," Rich said simply. "For being such a hypocrite and for being so hard on you about the whole thing."
"I'm sorry too," I sighed, sitting on the couch. "I never should have gone behind your back with your best friend like that."
Rich took a seat next to me and shook his head. "Don't apologize, Lex," he began, "because you don't have anything to be sorry for. I knew how you felt about Seth."
This surprised me. "How?" I asked. I thought I'd hidden it so well.
"You always kind of wore your heart on your sleeve when it came to him," Rich said simply. "Maybe not boldly, but I could still see it." Rich stared at his hands for a few moments as if weighing his words. "And I could read Seth just as well as I could read you. I knew how he felt about you. I just didn't think he'd ever actually do anything about it."
Rich knew Seth liked me and that I liked Seth?
Before I could respond, he kept on talking, "And I'm sorry for sleeping with Sarah and keeping it from you. I think we both knew it had been a one time thing and for me to get so angry at you and Seth for something that Sarah and I had done that didn't even have the emotional attachment that you two do was completely wrong of me."
"Rich," I cut in, "I don't care what happened with Sarah. That's your business. Just like my relationship with Seth is my business. Rich nodded and sighed. "But don't tell me that what Seth and I had was any different from what you and Sarah had."
"What's that mean?" Rich asked, sounding confused.
"It means," I began, "that to Seth, it wasn't anything more."
"That's where you're wrong." This conversation was taking a bizarre turn. "Lexi, Seth is so in love with you, it's pathetic. Ever since that night at the bar, he's become somewhat of a hermit. He wakes up everyday and goes to work where he throws himself into the task so that he won't think about you. He rarely goes out with me. He mopes around the apartment like someone stole his puppy."
I took a moment to let what Rich was telling me sink in. Seth really loved me? Really cared about me?
"But he slept with that girl," I whispered.
"He didn't."
"But"
"Lexi, I'm telling you that he didn't."
"Doesn't matter anyway," I began, "He pretty much ignored me after I slept with him."
"Lexi. Let me tell you what happened that morning."
And he did.
Apparently, Rich had gotten home from work somewhat awake still and super hungry. Because he hadn't been around much lately, he went into Seth's room to see if he wanted to go to breakfast, when he stumbled across my underwear.
"How'd you know it was mine?" I asked, somewhat skeeved out that my brother could identify my underwear.
"I didn't," he began. "Seth tried to make up some lame excuse and I totally saw right through it. I guess you could say that I forced it out of him. He never could lie to me all that well."
Rich continued on, telling me how he'd gone on to yell at Seth for the next two hours, telling Seth that I was his sister and that was breaking every 'Bro Code.' He hadn't told Seth about Sarah, so this only made my brother feel worse about screaming at Seth, but deep down feeling like he had every right to be upset.
The story ended with Seth agreeing to steer clear of me for awhile if it meant that my brother wouldn't kill him and Seth leaving for the bar that night to get good and trashed.
Rich looked down at his watch after finishing his lengthy story and stood up from the couch. "I need to get back to the airport."
"You aren't staying?" I asked.
Rich shook his head. "I have to work tomorrow. I flew out here today because I knew I had to talk to you and it had to be face to face."
I stood up and hugged my brother. "Thanks for stopping by," I joked.
"Thanks for having me."
I walked Rich to the door and was about to say goodbye, when he reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope. "This is for you," he said, shoving it at me.
"What is it?" I asked, taking the envelope. My name and address was written on the front, but there was no stamp.
Rich laughed. "It's a letter that I found in Seth's room. I was looking for the electric bill and came across this instead. Apparently, he was too scared to mail it to you. I figured you should read it."
I looked from the envelope to Rich and gave him a small smile. "Thanks."
He gave me one more hug. "One more thing," he said, as he pulled away. I nodded, willing him to go on. "Because Seth's thrown himself into his work, he's won some prestigious teaching award. His mom's having a party for him at their house two days from now. I think it'd mean a lot to him if you could make it. I know it'll take awhile for me to get used to the idea of you two together, but I know you'd make him happy and I know he'd make you happy. And hell, Lexi, that's what I want most for you."
We said goodbye again and when Rich was gone, I shut the door to my apartment, my attention once again getting drawn to the envelope in my hands.
Walking over to my couch, I sat down nervously, opened up the envelope, and began to read.
Lexi-
I can't tell you how many times I've sat down and written this letter and how many times I've ripped it right back up again once it was finished. I know I shouldn't be telling you in a letter how I feel, but I want to respect your wishes and leave you alone, since that's obviously what you really feel is best for you. At the same time, I can't just sit back when there's still so much I have to tell you that I never got to say or to explain.
You told me that night in the parking lot that you felt I was just in love with the idea of you, which is so ridiculous, that I could kick myself for not speaking up when you said it.
The honest truth, Lexi, is that I've been in love with you for years. I can't tell you how hard it was to stay silent for so long and pretend like I felt nothing but platonic feelings for you, when all I wanted to do was shout my declaration from a rooftop so that everyone knew.
And then, when we finally crossed that line this summer, it seemed like everything I thought would never happen was suddenly a possibility and maybe, just maybe, you could love me too.
When Rich confronted me the morning after we made love, I was dumbfounded. I felt awful about lying to my best friend, but I feel worse about how I handled the situation with you. I agreed to stay away from you until your brother could get used to the idea of us.
I never should have ignored you, just like I never should have gone to the bar that night and gotten wasted and hit on that girl right in front of you. You had no idea what had gone on with Rich and I was just so upset over the whole thing that I figured I'd deal with relationship trouble the way that I had in high school: like an idiot.
But please, Lexi. Know that I mean it when I say that I didn't sleep with that girl. After you left the bar, I went home. Alone. Because that girl wasn't you, would never be you and it would have made me feel fifty times worse.
The truth is that I care about you so much, that it terrifies me. I wake up every morning with this gaping hole in my life where you used to be and I hate it. I love you. I feel like I always have and I feel like I always will.
--Seth
I can't say how many times I read that letter during the next hour. I picked up my phone and was set to call Seth about three hundred times, when I would suddenly hang up again.
Staring at the sheet of paper, I thought about what Rich had told me, about the party Seth's mom was hosting.
And started packing my bags.
eleven.
A serious case of jet lag and nerves tagged along with me to Seth's party a few days later. My mother had been surprised to see me walk through the door and my dad had been ecstatic. When I told them why I'd come home, they only seemed to
get happier if it were possible.
For the past few years, I'd been steering in this direction, apparently. It was finally about time that I reach the destination.
I arrived at Seth's party an hour late. I'd spent four hours in front of my closet deciding what to wear and how I was going to go about telling him everything that I needed to.
Walking through the front door of the house he grew up in, I thought about turning around and catching the next plane out of town, but stopped myself. I owed it to Seth to be honest with him and I owed it to myself to be happy for once.
Various people greeted me in surprise, but Seth was nowhere to be found. Excusing myself from the room, I made an excuse that I was going to take my coat to the coatroom, and instead found myself going to Seth's room instead.
Knocking on the door lightly, I tried to fight my nerves.
"Come in," I heard him call from the other side of the door, which only kicked those nerves up another notch.
I stepped into his room and closed the door behind me.
Seth was sprawled across his bed, as if he were taking a break from his own party. "Hi," I said softly.
"Lexi," he whispered, sitting up suddenly.
"I wanted to come congratulate you in person," I told him, as if that explained my presence in his bedroom.
"Thanks."
The silence stretched between us for a moment as I tried to gather my courage. "Can I sit down?" I asked. He nodded and I took a seat next to him.
Looking up at him, my nerves suddenly melted away. I'd flown all this way to see him. There wasn't any reason to be nervous any longer. "For the past ten years, I've been convincing myself that I wasn't in love with you," I said, "because I honestly thought that there was no chance in hell that you'd ever love me back. Instead, I pretended that you were another brother and for awhile that was enough until this summer."
Seth's eyes widened as a small smile crossed his lips. Reaching forward, I took his hand in mine and laced our fingers together. "This summer, I don't know how or why, but that line was crossed and those few weeks that we spent together only made me fall harder for you. Seth, I've practically been in love with you since middle school. The only thing that really changed for me this summer was that I knew that you felt something similar for me as well."
"Lexi," Seth began, but I cut him off and squeezed his hand.
"No. Let me finish." He nodded and I took a deep breath. "I know that we don't ever know for sure how things will end up or if they'll even work, but I don't care. I love you and I want to be with you. I want to give us a real try."
I opened my mouth to continue the words that I'd rehearsed so thoroughly on the plane, but Seth leaned forward and kissed me, effectively shutting me up.
When he pulled away a few moments later, he pressed his forehead to mine and looked me in the eyes. "I love you," he said.
And this time, I knew for sure that he meant it.
I leaned forward and kissed him deeply, wanting to make up for all the time that we could have been together but were too stubborn to realize how the other person felt.
After a few minutes, I pulled away from Seth and stood up. He looked at me confused, but I just smiled in return. Unbuttoning my coat, I slid it off of me and let it fall to the ground.
Seth stared. And stared. And stared.
"Don't tell me you don't remember this dress," I said, looking down at myself. I'd spent hours getting ready and in the end, had decided the best thing to wear was the red dress I'd worn to his graduation.
The one that had fueled my mother's fantasies about my wedding day to Seth.
The dress that had fueled fantasies of an entirely different, more explicit nature to Seth.
Without any further hesitation, the stupor was wiped off Seth's face and he reached forward to grab my hips. Before I could comprehend what he was up to, my back was pressed against his mattress and he was hovering over me.
"I warned your mother what I would do to you if I ever saw you wearing this dress again," Seth stated, pressing a hot kiss to my neck.
Smiling at him, I wrapped both of my legs around him and issued my challenge.
"Prove it."
The End
Summer Solstice Page 7