by K E Osborn
Maybe I am!
Maybe I’m a complete fucking asshole.
Maybe that’s why my relationships don’t work. Because I’m too picky, too obsessive, too careful about my choices. In all things, not just relationships. That’s why everyone sees me as the sensible one. Because I don’t do anything exciting or adventurous.
Fuck! The most outrageous thing I’ve ever done was hire a crazy Asian as a Fung Shui guru off Craigslist. And I only did that to benefit Nate, not me.
When have I ever done anything crazy to benefit me?
The only other crazy thing I’ve done, obviously, is internet dating, and well, we all know how that’s going. So when I do, do something crazy for me, it inevitably backfires.
I can’t win.
Anyway, the point of this is maybe I’m the problem.
Alex is amazing, and there’s nothing wrong with her.
Absolutely nothing.
I hope she knows that. If there is one thing I don’t want in all of this is for her confidence to get a bashing because of me.
Shaking my head as I get to my car, I turn to look back at the gallery while taking a deep breath. I wonder if I should just waltz back in there and try to make it right. But what good would it do right now? Alex is fuming, and I need to give her some space. So I slam the door shut, deciding to make my way to the one place where I can let all my emotions out without anyone caring.
Chapter Twenty-Four
The office is quiet. Danger isn’t here obviously, he’s off on his honeymoon with Lunar. Nate’s at the gallery, and I have no idea where Ryan is. But Oliver is in the boardroom, and he nods to me as I pass down the hall. Tillie’s in her office as I make my way past her too. Her head down studying her notebook and she’s typing furiously as she stares at the screen lost in marketing I’m sure. She works so hard. We’d be lost without her.
I continue walking the halls down to the studio. The lights are all off, and as I walk in, I see my bass sitting in its usual spot on the amp. I take a deep breath feeling a little calmer for just being near it. Music soothes me at all times, but especially when I’m feeling on edge. Like I am now. Disagreements are never something I like, and when I have them with people I care about it irks me even more.
Flicking on the main light, the room brightens with a warm ambiance. I love this place. It’s a second home away from home. The guys and I have spent so much time here together, but I’ve spent equally as much time here alone, just playing and working on tracks without them. It’s where I come to think and just be. Although, with Alex around a lot more lately, I’ve been here a lot less. I found a calm place in her that I had here, but now she’s gone, I guess I’ll be spending more time back here again.
Sighing, I move over to the mixing board and open the screen, looking for what song I might want to jam along to. Ryan has obviously been in here because the last tracks that are on the list are from Luminous, and he always likes to jam to their stuff. I often wonder how the girls are doing back in Australia. I should check in on them from time to time. Using the touch screen, I scroll through the list of songs trying to find a playlist I want to jam to. Then I see it and know instantly that it’s exactly what I need right now. I hit sync for it to load into the system and then take the remote with me over to my bass.
I pick it up from the top of the amp and throw the strap over my shoulder. I switch the amp on, knowing all the setting are in the right position for where I like them, and I take a seat on top of the amp. Taking a deep breath, I strum through the four strings feeling the deep bass tones echo through the room. The vibrations from the amp run up through my thighs and into my ass making me weakly smile. This gives me peace. A sense of calm in my chaotic day.
With the remote, I hit play and ‘Kiss Me’ by Ed Sheeran starts to play over the sound system. Instantly, an image of Alex singing at the fire pit springs to mind and my stomach sinks. My fingers settle into place, and I position them over the strings. First plucking at the D chord, then A, then Bm then back to A, and so on as the verse continues. Ed’s voice sings the song perfectly, and although I love his version, I can’t stop thinking of Alex’s, as I play to the song that never really meant anything to me, but is fast becoming one of my favorites. And as I listen to the lyrics, I wonder if they hold more meaning to me than I realize. I don’t sing along, just listen to the words as I strum, the warmth of the lighting shining down, as the vibration hums through me.
Music floods the room, filling the space with the vibrant energy that I love. It’s like a melancholy epiphany, this song could be about Alex and me in another time and place. The song is slow and melodic, even though my mood is somber and reflective, I still get a small thrill from the sound. Like every time I play my bass. But it could also be from the living color memory of Alex and the fire pit.
Mixing the two together could be a toxic combination for me.
Is it possible that even though I only just saw her, I miss her?
I feel like I’m mourning for her. Knowing that I could possibly never see her again is making me feel anxious, and as I play my bass my chest squeezes, and my jaw clenches tight as my teeth grind together. The song plays out in its entirety, and I close my eyes shut tight as they well, before the wall breaks and the tears fall.
I’m stronger than that.
I just need to hold it together.
I know I’ve fucked up.
I hurt her, I know that.
I just want Alex to feel better. ‘Give Me Love’ begins to play and I can’t bring myself to strum the chords as I sit here with my eyes shut just trying to hold it together. I know I won’t cry, I’m stronger than that, but I’m feeling pretty fucking shit all round.
“Jesus Christ, you look like your puppy died. Plus, you’re listening to ‘Give Me Love,’ are you going soft?” Ryan asks, making me snap my head up. He’s standing shirtless in the doorway, sucking on a popsicle dripping in sweat.
Raising my brow as I take a deep centering breath, I clear my throat, hitting the pause button on the remote and pull my bass off over my head as he walks in and takes a seat on the stool next to my amp. “Why are you so sweaty?” I ask.
He shrugs. “Was working out,” he says matter-of-factly.
I glance to the sugary popsicle he’s devouring and grin. “And you spent all that time doing crunches, and now you’re eating that? With your health history?” I ask, and he looks down to the treat, his tongue half-way out, and shrugs again.
“Don’t tell, Tillie. I stole it from Lunar’s freezer. It tastes like a Pina Colada!”
“Oh, so it’s sugary and alcoholic. Jesus, Ryan,” I berate, rolling my eyes.
He chuckles. “It had a two-star health rating on the packet,” he defends.
I chuckle. “Ryan, five is good, so therefore two is bad.”
He slumps his shoulders and frowns. “Oh, shit… oh well, I did twelve extra sit ups today that should cover it, right?”
I chuckle. “Doubtful. But don’t have any more, okay?”
He nods taking a long lick up the stick like an adolescent child. “So, enough about me, why are you in here being a mopey Mandy?”
I scoff. “Am not.”
He snorts and licks his popsicle again. “Are too. Dude, you were nearly having an emotional meltdown when I walked in here.”
Sighing, I slump and rub my hands over my face. “How did you know when you’d fucked things up with Tillie?”
He chuckles. “When she threatened to leave. She was packing up and getting the hell out of here because of me. Fuck man… that makes you feel like fucking shit when the woman you love is walking out. Don’t ever let that happen to you, Matt. The panic you feel when you think they’re leaving and not knowing if you’re ever gonna see them again. Fuck. I grew up quick smart right there in that moment.”
Nodding, I gnaw on my bottom lip. “I don’t think I have to worry about her leaving, but I’m not even sure what I feel for her. How do you know when it crosses from friends to mor
e than that?”
He bumps his shoulder into my leg seeing as I’m sitting higher than him. “That’s a tough call that only you and Alex can make, man.”
I open my eyes wide and cough. “I never said it was Alex.”
He chuckles. “Don’t have to. She’s the only female friend you have besides Tillie, Lunar, and Ria, and if you’re crushing on any of those girls, you’re in for a whole new world of hurt, my friend.”
“Yeah… I did something stupid,” I admit, and his eyes brighten as he smiles wide.
“Oh, please tell.”
“I slept with her, then told her we’re still friends and she took it hard. I’m pretty sure she wants something more from me, but I just don’t know if she’s the right woman for me. Plus, we were friends, you should never date your friend. That’s like common law or something.”
He snorts, throwing his head back with a giant grin. “That’s dramatic, Matt, lots of friends end up being in long lasting relationships. You just have to see if the chemistry is there. Which with you and Alex it is from what I’ve seen and heard.”
“What do you mean from what you’ve heard?” I ask, and he tilts his head while squinting at me.
“You think your brother doesn’t talk about you when you’re not around? Especially, when you and his little coworker get along so well. He sees the way you two are with each other. Nate picked it months back that you two would end up in the sack together.”
Jolting my head back, I take a lung full of air at this news. I had no idea. Nate never said anything to me. “Well, if everyone can see us together, how come I haven’t seen it?”
Ryan sighs and slaps my leg. “Sometimes we’re so focused on our path that we’re blinded by the destination.”
Smirking, I try to hold in my laugh. “Ryan, that’s way too insightful for you.”
He chuckles. “I know. It was on one of Tillie’s journals, but in any case, I think it’s fitting right now. Just think about what you want. Think about what Alex wants, and if it is the same thing, then fuck being friends and go the fuck for it I say. She’s hot as fuck, and man, you need to get laid again ‘cause you were totally about to cry like a little bitch just then, you pussy,” he teases shoving my side and I laugh as I almost fall off the amp.
“Fucker… thanks. I need to call her, don’t I?”
“Yes, you do, and send flowers or chocolates or something she loves. Make it up to her, Matt, show her you want to make it right.”
I nod and pull out my cell as Ryan licks the last of his popsicle. He stands up and slaps me over the head as he walks out of the room. “No more sappy music, cock head, you’re a rock star. Act like it,” he says and walks out with a smirk as I dial Alex’s number. My chest tightens and my stomach sinks. I feel sick, but I need to tell her I’m sorry and make things right.
It rings… it rings… it rings, and eventually dies out.
I swallow hard as I sink into myself. Maybe she just didn’t get to her cell in time. So I try again. I ring, and it rings twice, and then it clearly hangs up. My body tenses and all my muscles go rigid. So she’s really pissed at me. Bringing my foot up I kick the stool Ryan was sitting on, it tumbles to the floor, bouncing a couple of times before rolling slightly then settling. It didn’t help.
“Fuck.”
I wanna message Nate, but without Ria being there he might not be able to read my messages completely, and ringing him with Alex there might piss her off even more. So I decide to leave it for a few hours and try again. I’ll wait until she’s well and truly home for the night, and then I’ll maybe message or try and call when she isn’t at work.
Jumping off the amp, I place my guitar back on the top and switch it off, walking over to the sound system and flicking that off too. I’m going to head home for now, and get lost in more ice cream and maybe work out a bit to try to burn off some of this frustration.
Chapter Twenty-Five
The disarray of the bedsheets hits me first as I step into my bedroom to get changed, and then memories of Alex surround my senses. Her smell, her taste, her touch. I tense up as I remember last night—moving against her, moving inside her. My cock twitches thinking about it, and I swallow hard turning away from my bed and walking to my robe. I need to focus my energy on something else for a while, until I can pass enough time to try and make contact with her again.
Once changed, I rush out of my room down to my home gym to work out some much built up tension. I get to work, pushing hard to my limit quickly. I don’t even bother to warm up before moving straight into a fast cardio round. My chest is glistening with droplets of sweat, and my heart is racing as I push myself, trying to propel through the anguish I’m feeling. All I want is to talk to her, but having to wait is a form of torture. I pick up a twenty pound weight then sit on the floor and start doing Russian twists. Puffs of air force out of my mouth with the added pressure, and I groan while pushing harder and harder until I break and fall backward. The weight falls on my chest, and I make an “oomph” noise as it falls. I slide the weight off me onto the floor, and I lay there panting, trying to catch my breath. My stomach aches and I close my eyes just trying to breathe. Not from overworking myself, but from the sheer fact that I’m in limbo and can’t do jack fucking shit about it.
I glance up at the clock on the wall to see it’s gone past six thirty, and Alex leaves the gallery at six, so I’m hoping she’ll be home by now. Feeling slightly unsteady on my legs as I slowly get up, I grab my water bottle and take a long sip. Reaching for my towel, I wipe my brow and head to the kitchen to make a protein shake and to try and call Alex again. I grab my cell, then I quickly add in the protein and water and dial her number putting it on speaker as I give the bottle a shake.
It rings, and instantly I tense up waiting for her to answer, but again, it keeps ringing as I continue to agitate it a little more vigorously than normal until it rings out.
I sigh and take a sip of my shake as I dial her number again.
It rings and rings and rings.
Nothing.
My sneaker taps aimlessly on the floor as I wait impatiently for her to answer.
But nothing.
I figure if she doesn't answer my calls then maybe if I send her a text, at least then she will read it, and maybe see that I want to talk to her and apologize?
So I walk over to the sofa and take a seat. I need to word this right, I can’t say the wrong thing again.
Me: Alex, I’m so, so sorry. Please pick up the phone so I can talk to you, and we can hash this out. I know I fucked up. You are worth so much to me. I can’t imagine my life without you, Alex. Please don’t let this be it for us!
I hit send and take a deep breath watching as the signal shows sent, then soon after delivered. I sit and wait, and wait, and wait, but it doesn’t mark as seen. I’m not sure if she isn’t by her phone at the moment, or if she’s completely ignoring my messages now too.
“Fuck, Alex c’mon, just look at it,” I murmur and keep watching my sent text, but nothing is happening. I’m becoming more and more anxious as the time passes, and I decide to try calling her again. It rings twice, and she hangs up on me. My stomach falls through the floor and my heart races frantically. So she is there, just ignoring everything from me.
Wow.
I’ve really fucked up.
Throwing myself back into the sofa, I sink into the cushions. “Good job, Matt,” I murmur as I exhale and decide to let it go for tonight. She’s already super pissed at me, and doing anything else tonight will antagonize her further. I have to let her cool off.
Tomorrow, I will try harder.
Tomorrow, I will get Alex back on side.
***
Every time my cell would go off I was on edge last night, hoping and praying it was from Alex. But nothing came through from her. I had messages from Nate, Ryan, and surprisingly Charlotte from Lovepessimist, but nothing from the one person I really wanted to talk to. Alex has shut me out completely and I hate it. But today i
s a new day, and I’m going to keep trying to get in contact with her. And if she still doesn’t answer my calls or messages then I have an idea for tonight, seeing as it’s Tuesday and we normally spend the evening together. I don’t want to push her, but I want her to know that I’m not going to bow out without letting her know I am here and willing to show her I care.
Rolling over in bed, a bed that still smells of Alex, I grab my cell from my bedside and look at it to see my message from yesterday is still unseen by her. Huffing, I press her name to call her. It rings out and goes unanswered yet again. Pursing my lips in a scowl, I flare my nostrils and try once more. The same happens, and I wonder if she’ll keep this up all day.
Getting up, I walk over to my en-suite, place my cell on the bench making sure the volume is up loud, so if she calls I will hear it over the shower and get on with my day.
Throughout the course of the day, I call her in lots of two, every few hours. And every time the calls go unanswered. The message from yesterday is still unseen, and I’m starting to think I’m going to have to enact my plan for tonight because obviously persistent calling is not working in this case. So, instead, I send instructions to Scott, in fine detail, to make sure he gets nothing wrong. I know technically he’s security and this is not his job, but he’s also my friend, so I’m sure he won’t mind doing this favor for me. A short time later he responds.
Scott: Sure. What time do you want me to deliver this?
I look up at the clock seeing it’s just gone six and she should be leaving soon. So I type back my reply.
Me: In about half an hour. Then hopefully once you deliver it, she will call me with a thank you or at least message me, right?
Scott: I’ll say something like he’d love to hear from you?